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Original poster

Would you take someone back who left you because you didn’t want more kids?

74 replies

Cutlerydraw · 16/01/2023 16:46

Just wondering what people would do in this situation. I’m the one who left because he didn’t want more kids but I’m constantly going back and forth in my head about whether I have done the right thing. We have been split up 6 months but have remained in touch and still have to see each other now and again and when we do there’s still that spark there. So months after us splitting up I’m still wondering if I have done the right thing. If I decided that I could give up having kids though, I am also trying to see what people would do from his point of view. If you didn’t want more kids and your partner did so you split up, would you consider taking them back in this scenario? We both haven’t met anyone else. I haven’t even tried to as I’m not ready and still have feelings for my ex. Just trying to figure things out in my head so was hoping to get any advice / opinions on here that could help.

OP posts:
LaLuz7 · 17/01/2023 15:25

Having a child you don't want uproots your whole life, it's a huge sacrifice to make for someone. It's a forever commitment to that child. 18 years of hands on hard work and a lifetime of feeling responsible for them. Starting over at 50ish when you were essentially done with parenting and ready to enjoy your time and freedom is a huge upheaval.

Not all children are blessings. If you don't want them they can absolutely feel like a total burden.

Original poster
Cutlerydraw · 17/01/2023 17:09

Yes he is older than me, he is 44. He knew I might want them, I knew he didn’t really, so both are to blame for going along with the relationship but it wasn’t really an issue until it was an issue if that makes sense. Together 3 years. I know there’s arguments to both sides but I personally think someone who already has kids to have one more is not as big a sacrifice as someone to not have any.

OP posts:
category12 · 17/01/2023 17:19

Cutlerydraw · 17/01/2023 17:09

Yes he is older than me, he is 44. He knew I might want them, I knew he didn’t really, so both are to blame for going along with the relationship but it wasn’t really an issue until it was an issue if that makes sense. Together 3 years. I know there’s arguments to both sides but I personally think someone who already has kids to have one more is not as big a sacrifice as someone to not have any.

It's just an intractable incompatibility - there can be no compromise between having a child and not having one.

It's horrible for the child if one parent doesn't really want them and never gets over that reluctance/resentment (which does happen). And it's 18 years of responsibility and going back through all the stages of babyhood & childhood again.

Neither of you are wrong, you just don't want the same things in life. It's sad but some things aren't meant to be.

Sarah2891 · 17/01/2023 17:33

I don't know why the guy is getting a hard time from some people. Good for him for deciding he doesn't want more. It's never good to force anyone to have (or not have) kids. As another poster said, neither of you are in the wrong.
It's best you try and meet someone new.

LaLuz7 · 17/01/2023 17:38

Sarah2891 · 17/01/2023 17:33

I don't know why the guy is getting a hard time from some people. Good for him for deciding he doesn't want more. It's never good to force anyone to have (or not have) kids. As another poster said, neither of you are in the wrong.
It's best you try and meet someone new.

Exactly. He was the one who has the wisdom and maturity to end it. It sucks, but there's no other solution to this type of incompatibility.

It's never selfish not to have a child you don't want ffs

Upsidedownagain · 17/01/2023 17:40

If he's 44 now, he would be mid 60s at the earliest before he was free from most parenting responsibilities. As someone who had kids relatively late in life and who is approaching that age now, I can well see why it would be a massive deal to start over even though I desperately wanted children back in the day.

He's not being unreasonable or selfish at all. OP, you admit you allowed yourself to get involved knowing his position. I do understand, but many women anxious to become a parent would not have done the same.

You need to cut contact and start looking for someone new. It may not be easy, but it's your only hope of finding a partner to become a parent with. Believe me, life is short and it soon passes you by if you don't set out to achieve what you want from life.

WhatNoRaisins · 17/01/2023 17:53

It's not "just another child", it's going all the way back to the beginning when you've done that period of your life. It would be a huge sacrifice going back to the relentlessness of small children when you're about to move on to another stage of life.

Suzi89 · 17/01/2023 17:56

WhatNoRaisins · 17/01/2023 17:53

It's not "just another child", it's going all the way back to the beginning when you've done that period of your life. It would be a huge sacrifice going back to the relentlessness of small children when you're about to move on to another stage of life.

Ok well he should date a single mother his own age then instead of stringing a young childless woman who wants kids along.

PatsyJStone · 17/01/2023 18:01

I'd strongly recommend you don't go back. Been there done that. Over ten years later relationship broken down and too late for other options. Resentment can be a hard emotion and in this situation it's not easily forgotten.

MMmomDD · 17/01/2023 18:02

OP’s Ex is getting a hard time because in his 40s got into a relationship with a woman in her early 30s, knowing perfectly well she wanted kids. So - they got a pet together - maybe to refocus her from remembering she wanted kids?

He wasn’t some noble guy who walked away from it. She walked away. He was perfectly fine with continuing as they were.

He wanted a fun younger gf. But not to have a family with her with all that it entails.
This isn’t love. It’s plain using of someone.

Yes - she should have not stayed, or entered into a relationship. But many women do, and hope the man would change. And - many men do change.
And go on to have more kids, and it’s very rare that people regret having that one more kid. We are all programmed to love the kids we do have.
As to that gruelling raising of the kid. Most of the early years are done by the women anyway.

So - when this is raised as a reason not to have a kid - to me it just sounds like a man who wants to have a sexy playmate/housekeeper in the house.

Rather than sharing his partner with a kid.
This is why he is getting a hard time. At least from me.

LaLuz7 · 17/01/2023 19:05

Suzi89 · 17/01/2023 17:56

Ok well he should date a single mother his own age then instead of stringing a young childless woman who wants kids along.

Show quote history

He didn't string her along. OP admits she knew from the beginning he didn't want any more kids. It was her choice to get involved despite that.

Thesealsknowsheismagic · 17/01/2023 19:18

MMmomDD · 17/01/2023 18:02

OP’s Ex is getting a hard time because in his 40s got into a relationship with a woman in her early 30s, knowing perfectly well she wanted kids. So - they got a pet together - maybe to refocus her from remembering she wanted kids?

He wasn’t some noble guy who walked away from it. She walked away. He was perfectly fine with continuing as they were.

He wanted a fun younger gf. But not to have a family with her with all that it entails.
This isn’t love. It’s plain using of someone.

Yes - she should have not stayed, or entered into a relationship. But many women do, and hope the man would change. And - many men do change.
And go on to have more kids, and it’s very rare that people regret having that one more kid. We are all programmed to love the kids we do have.
As to that gruelling raising of the kid. Most of the early years are done by the women anyway.

So - when this is raised as a reason not to have a kid - to me it just sounds like a man who wants to have a sexy playmate/housekeeper in the house.

Rather than sharing his partner with a kid.
This is why he is getting a hard time. At least from me.

So getting into a relationship was only his decision? It was entirely up to him. Op had no choice but to be in a relationship because he wanted it?

Could Op also just not dated him knowing he didn’t want kids? Does she qualify for just as ‘hard a time’?

Are you suggesting he should have agreed to have a child he didn’t want if Op promised to do most of the early years care?

SandyY2K · 17/01/2023 19:18

I know there’s arguments to both sides but I personally think someone who already has kids to have one more is not as big a sacrifice as someone to not have any.

Not when the kids they have are already adults.

You knew he didn't really want any more kids.

A lot of women end up in your situation, because they hoped he would change his mind once further in the relationship.

People don't want an 18 year age gap and going back to the baby years.

This isn't his fault and it's not a sign he didn't love you.

Bigbadfish · 18/01/2023 10:37

Cutlerydraw · 17/01/2023 17:09

Yes he is older than me, he is 44. He knew I might want them, I knew he didn’t really, so both are to blame for going along with the relationship but it wasn’t really an issue until it was an issue if that makes sense. Together 3 years. I know there’s arguments to both sides but I personally think someone who already has kids to have one more is not as big a sacrifice as someone to not have any.

Because you don't have kids you don't understand how ridiculous this is.

The idea of having another child makes me recoil in horror.
It's not just one more biscuit it's another life.
And you've no idea the mental and physical torture it can be.

And he's 44! So no spring chicken.

You need to separate. That's it. But this whole oh it's just one more is laughable.

WhatNoRaisins · 18/01/2023 10:50

I'd argue if anything it's more of a sacrifice to have another child when your youngest is an adult because you aren't blissfully ignorant of what parenting involves.

billy1966 · 18/01/2023 11:43

Do not go back.

This is the hard bit.

Help yourself though by not seeing him at all.

He's a scab that you are picking by seeing him.

Give yourself a solid chance to heal.

billy1966 · 18/01/2023 11:47

Bigbadfish · 18/01/2023 10:37

Because you don't have kids you don't understand how ridiculous this is.

The idea of having another child makes me recoil in horror.
It's not just one more biscuit it's another life.
And you've no idea the mental and physical torture it can be.

And he's 44! So no spring chicken.

You need to separate. That's it. But this whole oh it's just one more is laughable.

Show quote history

I so agree with this.

When you have gotten children to 18/20 you fully understand how awful going back might be.

Mind you lots of people might recoil at the idea with only a 5 year old.

When you are done, you are done.

whattodo1975 · 18/01/2023 11:50

He's moved on. He might not have told you that, and he does not need to tell you that, but he has.

whattodo1975 · 18/01/2023 11:52

Cutlerydraw · 16/01/2023 21:57

His kids are 18 & 20 so he feels he can’t go back to babies. Which is fair enough. I do think the contact with him is maybe clouding my judgement.

How old is he ?

Original poster
Cutlerydraw · 18/01/2023 11:57

@whattodo1975 he’s 44. Do you mean he’s moved on from me? He hasn’t.

OP posts:
whattodo1975 · 18/01/2023 12:04

Cutlerydraw · 18/01/2023 11:57

@whattodo1975 he’s 44. Do you mean he’s moved on from me? He hasn’t.

How do you know ? Because he has said ? Doesn't mean hasnt moved on, could just be saving your feelings.

Ultimately someone who is 44 with 2 adult children is done when it comes to kids, and rightly so.

You can chose to be with him, but do you really want this hanging over the relationship ? I personally would find it very difficult (for both sides) to just simple forget the issue.

If I were him, before you got back together, I would get a vasectomy. If he did that would it change your view on getting back with him, as there is no chance of "winning him round" to what you want.

Original poster
Cutlerydraw · 18/01/2023 12:17

@whattodo1975 I’m not trying to win him round to what I want? The question is whether there’s a possibility of going back & me giving up kids & whether he would take me back anyway as I left him. We both haven't let go, I know that for sure. He definitely has no one else. But I know that also doesn’t mean we should get back together. I’m just thinking out loud on here.

OP posts:
BadNomad · 18/01/2023 12:51

You're both just finding it hard to move on because your relationship didn't end because you fell out of love. You need to remember that the reason you are doing this hasn't changed. You want a child. Still holding on to feelings for your ex is preventing you from achieving this goal. Is there a way you can go no contact with him? Even just for a few months. You need real time apart.

whattodo1975 · 18/01/2023 13:04

Cutlerydraw · 18/01/2023 12:17

@whattodo1975 I’m not trying to win him round to what I want? The question is whether there’s a possibility of going back & me giving up kids & whether he would take me back anyway as I left him. We both haven't let go, I know that for sure. He definitely has no one else. But I know that also doesn’t mean we should get back together. I’m just thinking out loud on here.

There will always be an element of "I hope he changes his mind" if you got back together. That is 100% inevitable.

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