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Original poster

Would you take someone back who left you because you didn’t want more kids?

74 replies

Cutlerydraw · 16/01/2023 16:46

Just wondering what people would do in this situation. I’m the one who left because he didn’t want more kids but I’m constantly going back and forth in my head about whether I have done the right thing. We have been split up 6 months but have remained in touch and still have to see each other now and again and when we do there’s still that spark there. So months after us splitting up I’m still wondering if I have done the right thing. If I decided that I could give up having kids though, I am also trying to see what people would do from his point of view. If you didn’t want more kids and your partner did so you split up, would you consider taking them back in this scenario? We both haven’t met anyone else. I haven’t even tried to as I’m not ready and still have feelings for my ex. Just trying to figure things out in my head so was hoping to get any advice / opinions on here that could help.

OP posts:
PerpetualFailure · 16/01/2023 22:01

Yeah cut contact if you can. Date others!

Mamoun · 16/01/2023 22:06

Haven't read the whole thread but bits.
He sounds like a respectful guy and the fact that he let you go gracefully makes it hard for you to leave and turn the page.

To he honest your life is ahead of you and because of the heartache of the break up you are probably not thinking straight. If you get back with him within a few months, after the initial honeymoon, your desire to become a mother will come back. Children are everywhere, it'll be on the back of your mind... and it'll be worse as the years go by as you will no longer be fertile.

Having children, while incredibly hard, is absolutely amazing (still blows my mind how on the one hand it is the most ordinary thing and on the other hand so extraordinary!). Not for everyone but if you want them it would be a shame not to give yourself the chances.

I would try and move on.

Good luck.

MermaidMummy06 · 16/01/2023 22:23

Don't go back. My SIL forced a baby on her partner, who had young-ish DC from a previous marriage. (She's a bully determined). BIL protested, even to me, even on their wedding day, but complied. No idea why.

He left when their child was 18 months old, I'm guessing SIL wanted another baby (she moans about us having two). He did come back, eventually, but I think SIL had to compromise a lot & it's more from comfort and finances than love.

All I see is two mismatched people who should never have gotten married and pursued what he wanted, individually.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 16/01/2023 22:33

No, I wouldn't take them back, because I'd expect them to leave me again for the same reason. The drive to have children is primitive and vital and, unless you're totally at peace with the decision not to have children, you should give yourself the chance to have children. A real chance.

OP, I think you need some tough love here. It sounds like you have not actively tried to move on. Just having a half-hearted browse through Plenty of Fish and not being able to imagine being with anyone else doesn't mean you should get back with him. It means you need to work on your imagination! You are not star-crossed lovers destined to be together etc... Think of ways you can actively work on moving on. Minimise contact with your ex - don't chat with him if you have to deal with him at work. Consider therapy. Go to Meet up groups maybe. Perhaps go on some dates - just to meet, and talk to, some men who aren't him.

SunflowerTed · 16/01/2023 22:40

Cutlerydraw · 16/01/2023 21:57

His kids are 18 & 20 so he feels he can’t go back to babies. Which is fair enough. I do think the contact with him is maybe clouding my judgement.

My advice would be to cut ties and move on. You’re not allowing yourself to feel the spark with anyone as you are still having contact with your ex. You are on different pages so let him go

Upsidedownagain · 16/01/2023 22:42

The desire to have a child can't just be put aside so if you went back, you'd go through the same feelings all over again, with the same outcome. Of course, other men on dating sites will seem completely uninteresting when you still have feelings for someone, but that won't last forever. Either force yourself to meet some new guys or give yourself more time to come to terms with the break up.

You may never have a child but at least you'll have given yourself that chance. And you're more or less bound to meet someone else eventually.

Stay strong, you'll get through this.

Suzi89 · 16/01/2023 22:47

If you want kids and he doesn’t then don’t go back! You’re not fertile forever and you don’t want to give up having children for a relationship that might not even last.

catandcoffee · 16/01/2023 22:48

You're never going to get over him if hes still in your life, so you've got to make a clean break.
Assume animal keeps you in contact ?

Original poster
Cutlerydraw · 16/01/2023 22:52

Yes partly due to shared pets which keep us in contact. I would find it very hard to never see them again.

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 16/01/2023 23:30

You need to not waste the rest of your fertile years stuck in the last.
So - I’d cut contact. And give yourself a proper chance to meet someone.
Also - I’d freeze eggs so you have a longer window.

In the end of the day - he doesn’t really love you. Well, certainly doesn’t love you enough to want you to be happy. The whole talk of not wanting to go back to babies stage, is crap in my book.
I am guessing he is older than you - and so was flattered by having a younger gf. So - kept you around with talk of love, etc.
Older men going for younger women, but not wanting to inconvenience themselves by having the relationship/family younger women clearly want and need - isn’t uncommon. Just purely selfish on their side.

category12 · 17/01/2023 06:24

Cutlerydraw · 16/01/2023 22:52

Yes partly due to shared pets which keep us in contact. I would find it very hard to never see them again.

Hard as it is, I think you should make a final goodbye to the pets (or take some if practical). They will be fine with him.

It's standing in the way of you living your life. While you love them, it's just not practical to have that tie if it's keeping you from moving on.

HandsOffMyCarrierBags · 17/01/2023 06:39

Personally I wouldn’t date someone who didn’t want kids.

HandsOffMyCarrierBags · 17/01/2023 06:41

Could you have a proper break from the pets? 6 months. Concentrate on all the things you dislike about him. Start dating.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 17/01/2023 06:59

Cutlerydraw · 16/01/2023 22:52

Yes partly due to shared pets which keep us in contact. I would find it very hard to never see them again.

These shared pets may well be preventing you ever having children because of this continued contact. There must be a way to sort this situation. If it's a horse, for example, could you get a sharer to take over your or his share?

determinedtomakethiswork · 17/01/2023 07:03

No definitely not. He has children, he knows you want children but he isn't going to have children with you. I would not be able to get past that.

EarringsandLipstick · 17/01/2023 07:05

And OP, he's been honest. And clear. He doesn't want more DC. How much worse if he said 'we'll see' until you were in your 40s and still with more DC.

This isn't an issue you can compromise on. You need to stop all contact, however that happens.

It's hard OP 💐

Mamaneedsadrink · 17/01/2023 07:12

Think it depends what you would regret more, not having kids or not being with him Flowers

emotionalpuddle · 17/01/2023 07:14

Cutlerydraw · 16/01/2023 21:57

His kids are 18 & 20 so he feels he can’t go back to babies. Which is fair enough. I do think the contact with him is maybe clouding my judgement.

I'm mid 30s and have no children. I'm dating someone who has 1 child who's in her early 20s. He's said if I want a child then we'll have one as he won't deprive me of that (he actually instigated the discussion). If he's said no and you want them, you need to move on/decide what's important to you. Especially if knows it's important to you.

pinkfondu · 17/01/2023 07:19

So you left because you want kids and he already has them and doesn't want more?

Unless you are willing to be happy not having children don't go back

toomuchlaundry · 17/01/2023 07:20

Has he always said he doesn’t want more children? How long were you together?

LaLuz7 · 17/01/2023 07:22

Don't go back. You would be settling and sacrificing the future you've always imagined just to be with him. Any misstep, any annoyance and the resentment will bubble up in the form of "I gave kids up to be with this person who can't even do x y z?!"

You need to give dating a fair chance if you really want kids. You need to ho no contact with him and free up mental space for something new. Scrolling on an app is not dating. Dating is a numbers game. You need to get out there on many dates and be ruthless about weeding out the wrong ones. Go into it with clear purpose and standards and don't let chemistry distract you. You can't wait around for a man to fall in your lap and you'll never be truly open and available to a new one as long as you are in contact with and pinning over this one.

page1of4 · 17/01/2023 07:24

The harsh reality is, he's not willing to make a 'sacrifice' to be with you. This in itself means you feel more for him than he does for you. I'm sorry for being blunt but if this guy was your lobster, he'd understand you're young, want/need a family, and he'd play the game. Find someone who loves you as much as you deserve and they'll be jumping at the chance to have your baby.

LaLuz7 · 17/01/2023 07:24

Cutlerydraw · 16/01/2023 21:57

His kids are 18 & 20 so he feels he can’t go back to babies. Which is fair enough. I do think the contact with him is maybe clouding my judgement.

Is he significantly older than you?

LaLuz7 · 17/01/2023 07:32

page1of4 · 17/01/2023 07:24

The harsh reality is, he's not willing to make a 'sacrifice' to be with you. This in itself means you feel more for him than he does for you. I'm sorry for being blunt but if this guy was your lobster, he'd understand you're young, want/need a family, and he'd play the game. Find someone who loves you as much as you deserve and they'll be jumping at the chance to have your baby.

I don't agree. You could flip this and say that OP hasn't been able to make a sacrifice to be with him either. What is the bigger sacrifice? Forgoing kids or committing to raising one you don't want? They're equally bad. And neither will sacrifice. And they shouldn't. Love is not enough for a relationship and they both can find love with someone who is also compatible with them. It's just life.

MMmomDD · 17/01/2023 14:30

@LaLuz7

Seriously? What is a bigger sacrifice - giving up on having (any) children Vs having one more?
How many people really regret having one more child and are forever unhappy/depressed/regretful?
In reality, most men who don’t want ‘one more’ - end up falling in love with the ‘extra’ child.
And women who didn’t manage to find the right person; or those having given up on having kids for a man - often end up hurt and regretting not having kids.

So - for an older man to deprive a younger woman of having children is some or the most selfish things people do in a relationship.

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