Why are so many women looking for validation from a relationship?

[zonky]

Maybe it's the echo chamber effect of reading threads and posts on MN, but aren't there a lot of women in sub standard relationships who keep staying in them? Is it so bad to be single? Yes, it's expensive, but are women unable to get recognition and respect from other types of relationships? Why is the romantic relationship the panacea to social status and respectability for so many (although in reality these sub standard dynamics sound dreadful).

Lots of reasons. Complex reasons.

One of the main ones being that as an animal we are pack animals, we seek belonging and once you’re an adult and out of the “bosom” of your own birth family, you are primarily seeking to build your own. In crude terms.

then add on the layers and layers and layers of societal expectations, traumatic childhoods, attachment disorders, cultural pressures, self esteem issues and a shit ton of other things.

It’s nice when you reach that stage of no longer feeling it is a “need” to have someone. It does take work for most people though, it doesn’t come naturally to most people

I've never really thought of it that way, and I'm not sure that is really the prevalent view TBH.

Because they get judged by other women mainly.

Either you are viewed as floored for being being "able to keep hold of a man" or you are out to "steal" their man.

You need to want a man and be prepared to be "validated" and "assessed" by him to enter into a relationship, so in a way you do need to be validated by him (heterosexual relationship of course).

for the women who would like children, long-term relationships/marriage have been the most convenient (emotionally, financially etc) way to do this. of course, not all women now would like children so they may not have the same desires re a relationship.

I might have a skewed view regarding relationships, but I just thought people got together because they liked spending time together. Never have I felt married women occupy a more respectable or validated role in society than a single woman. Nor have I ever felt the need to be in a relationship in order to be validated. This thread is very strange to me. Although I have noticed some other women do tend to judge those women whose husbands cheat on them. Almost like they believe they are more capable women because they have managed to hold onto their own husbands who haven't cheated, and that this achievement is somehow an accolade!

God knows, I've always preferred living alone. I have been married and he was under par, lazy, didn't want to work and didn't want to do anything around our home, that apparently was my job and he was a sex pest.
As a result the marriage didn't last.
I don't need anyone because I have my own home and a well paid job and a lot of friends and activities.
If I was going to date he would have to have at least as much as I do and be proactive in the marriage. Unfortunately at 60 I'm not going to find anyone like that, they all want much younger women not older and wiser women who won't put up with their crap.
Can't say I'm bothered really.

So you haven't noticed that life is extremely expensive as a single person? Getting s mortgage as single person unless you're one of the high earners or have help from family? Spending time together may be what excites you as a teenager, but a lot of people once in steady adulthood (men and women) simply wouldn't be able to afford the lifestyle they have if it wasn't for two incomes. Financial privilege is a very important aspect of being coupled up. Not frequently discussed (not sure why) as deemed uncouth but you can't escape the facts

@Januaryspring Never have I felt married women occupy a more respectable or validated role in society than a single woman.

I have - only when reading historical writing! It's just not applicable now and I get frustrated when women think it is.

@Goatbilly I don't know anything else. I bought my house when I was 26. I was in a relationship that I ended in late 2021. But we never lived together and I've always been independent financially. I'd feel afraid to align myself financially, legally and so on with another person.

@Goatbilly yes I have noticed that, financially speaking, it is much more difficult for a single person than for a married couple. But that is a different point. People who stay in sub-standard relationships as referenced by the OP simply for financial reasons are staying for financial reasons, not for reasons related to validation and respectability.

Oh, this so much.

You are seen as less than (at least if you’re a woman) if you’re single.
Mostly by other women, sadly.
There is a strong hierarchy (see women who have kids seen as better than childfree women).

Many people are also co-dependent.
Being in a relationship is a huge status symbol.

Many people want to ’belong’ and it still means being in a relationship.

Also, money.

So so true.
I was at a party recently and the host introduced me to her neighbours, a couple of a similar age to me. The wife repeatedly touched her husband's neck and arm as a clear signal to me - he's mine, lady!!
She may have been doing it subconsciously but I found it really obvious.

Financial security, validation and respectability are all tied up together... sometimes it's difficult to tease things apart from one another.

The wife repeatedly touched her husband's neck and arm as a clear signal to me - he's mine, lady!!

She’s embarrassing!

I don’t know this people, but my experience is that it’s always women with low quality men who do this.
Why they think any other woman would want them is beyond me!

Connection.

Yes it's possible to feel emotionslly connected to friends, adult kids, colleagues etc, but for some those kinds of relationships just don't meet connection needs enough.

I live alone and have for years. I love it. I like my own space. I was single for 8 years as well. I thought I was happy being single but it's very difficult in my situatiom finding close enough friendships to meet that need for connection. I have one Ds who is severely disabled.

Since finding someone who is similar in liking his own space but desiring connection and the intimacy of a relationship I've realised what I've been missing. I don't really seek validation from the relationship because I've spent years finding out who I am and working on trauma, but I'm loving the closeness that being with someone brings.

That said, many people do obviously seek validation from a relationship especially if they haven't been single long or at all. Childhood trauma has a lot to do with it in my opinion. Some people simply don't feel able to be alone and seek any relationship rather than none. Once you can be alone you can benefit greatly from a relationship without losing yourself in it

Being single in your twenties is one thing, but as you get older your friends are busy with their own husbands/families. Your post sounds like a lot of cope, like you’re unhappily single. It’s funny how most actresses/models don’t make the choice to be single if it’s so great.

Who said I was single? Stop making assumptions. So you get together with someone because there was nobody else around?

Most people toe the line of well embedded societal narratives...

Erm no I got together with “someone” because he’s gorgeous, tall, nice person etc etc.

You sound bitter.

Don’t worry about suzy, op.
They are just showing how single people are truly seen as less than.

So someone pointed out to me here that there’s roughly the same number of men as women, therefore if women want a relationship a lot of them are going to have to put up with shitty men.

That slightly blew my mind and doesn’t answer the question as to why they’d want a relationship with a shitty one on the first place but I’m going with what I see in some people around me, any man is better than no man.

Theres a massive debate in there…

Erm no OP is making nasty comments about how people are in relationships because they “need validation”.

People who are happily single don’t feel the need to make snide comments about people in relationships. It makes her sound bitter. It’s perfectly normal/natural to want a relationship, just like it’s normal to want friends and to have kids.

Hmm, maybe because they want and enjoy regular sex, with someone they are sexually attracted to? But don’t want multiple sexual parents for a variety of reasons.

I sometimes see the loudly proclaimed “happily to be single, love myself, don’t need ‘a man’ types” (who seems to feel the need to incessantly share this on social media, often with memes featuring a lion and “I am a strong woman” type of vibe) that they can’t really be that happy or they wouldn’t need to tell everyone.