Why are so many women looking for validation from a relationship?

[zonky]

Maybe it's the echo chamber effect of reading threads and posts on MN, but aren't there a lot of women in sub standard relationships who keep staying in them? Is it so bad to be single? Yes, it's expensive, but are women unable to get recognition and respect from other types of relationships? Why is the romantic relationship the panacea to social status and respectability for so many (although in reality these sub standard dynamics sound dreadful).

This is so true. It's also harder to be single if you've got health issues or no kids or limited ability to work or even work from home. No man is an island and we need others, for some in the form of a romantic connection but for others friendships or other forms are enough.

Because the message girls get growing up from absolutely EVERYWHERE is there is no fate worse than being alone, unlovable and unfuckable. It is of course total bollocks and designed to keep women without power, or stop them realising their own power.

Being Brainwashed by society idea of being feminine,which is old as hills and should be consigned to the dustbin of history.

Do you also feel this way about couples who say they are happy?
Do you also feel that prent who say they love being a parent and are proud of their kids must be lying?
You know, since happy people should just be quiet about their happiness…

We need positive, happy single voices, to break the taboo and stigma btw.

I know what you mean OP. I don't think she's referring to people in healthy, mutually fulfilling relationships. But many relationships aren't that – they're codependent, toxic, abusive etc. If you have low self esteem, mental health issues or other factors going on it's easy to place all your sense of validation into what a romantic partner thinks of you, because the societal narrative that partnered women are more worthy is so prevalent.

I've been there when I had poor mental health, but after years of therapy I can see it for the nonsense it is. Thankfully I never felt judged for being single as I have single friends and the coupled up friends I have still make an effort to maintain friendships and do things outside of the relationship. It's weird to me how many people blindly swallow societal expectations without questioning if it's what they really want. I have a lovely relationship now but no intention of living together. I value myself as an independent human.

Sad but true.

I hope one day the narrative will change, but likely won’t.

Women can be incredibly resilient. That's why they stay in sub-standard relationships. Because they can endure a lot for the sake of other factors. Such as, keeping a secure family home. I don't think it has anything to do with their need for validation.

If you are happy single great.Yes some men do want younger and think they deserve it.There is no denying that and the unfairness of that but i also think women give up with men and peddling the view thatALL men want younger women is a way to back outof trying.One wants a decent functioning person which is hard.Unless a man is rich many young women find older guys a bit creepy these days.I am not in denial about how difficult it is for women but i dont think generalising statements help women wh0 might be looking.Also it belittles us to down value our worth as we age whatever society says.

I think there's so many aspects that add to it & its different for each person too.

Men can be like this too (I know alot of men unhappy in their relationships - but they stay) - I think the difference there though, is men tend not to talk about their issues/what's bugging them. Whereas women like to talk and discuss things.
My female friends will literally call me/message me whenever something happens between them/their partner and they like to 'offload' what's bugging them, every little detail and whatnot. Whereas my male friends won't, unless I see them in person and say 'how are things with ' and it's usually just a quick 'ugh the same as usual' and the conversation swiftly changes.

I think as humans, from a very young age, we naturally crave acceptance and approval from the people around us.
However this ranges from person to person, each person has their own tolerance levels to different types of behaviour.
And I think a lot of it boils down to the fact that more often than not - the good in a relationship actually outweighs the bad, but we don't often hear of the good. People are much more likely to speak of a bad experience they've had than a good experience (this is applicable in so many situations too, like with customer service, people are more likely to approach a manager to complain, than they are to approach a manager to compliment).

People also get used to things, they get comfortable and get used to routine. The thought of a big change scares them.

But everybody is different, some people have an absolute 0 tolerance for bullshit, whereas other people are too lenient with another persons behaviour. I think upbringing can affect it massively too. If you get somebody who's been emotionally abused growing up, people have a flight or fight reaction & this can be carried into their adult life.

It's a very messy subject with so many grey areas, there's no easy answer to be honest.

U OK hun?

I also think women can be very resilient and sympathetic. If there's a problem/issue, they want to face it and they want to solve it.
I think men can be very black & white with how they approach something. whereas women see the grey areas and analyse everything.

And there's so many aspects to each relationship too.
You can get couples where absolutely every aspect of their relationship is lovely, but the man doesn't do much to help around the house, the woman has a moan about it & everybody automatically thinks that every other aspect of their relationship is bad, when in reality, he's supportive emotionally, he's affectionate, he's great with the kids, they get along great and there's good banter, he's just a bit lazy. The woman gets pissed off about this every now and then and wants a rant about it.

Everybody has something they're crap at and everybody has something that pisses them off.

I cannot stand laundry being left on the floor, does my head in, sometimes my partner can be really bad for it - is this going to be cause for me to leave him though? No! Because he is amazing in most other ways, we get along really well and there's more to life than that.
Am I going to complain about it though? YES! Because I'm human and I love a good whinge 🤣🤣

Then of course there's also severe situations where a person is actually going through abuse, and they don't leave.
Outsiders can spend forever wondering why they're still with them, etc, but it's not for an outsider to do this, victims of abuse can become very scared to make any sort of changes in their life, they have a lot of fear within them and it's very sad to see. It takes them a lot of time and courage to make the decision to change things, and even once the decision is made for them, they will take time to act on it.
And many victims of abuse also doubt theirselves a lot, their partners are usually very manipulative and narcissistic, so they well and truly believe that their partners are not doing anything wrong - and it can take a long time for them to see it.

I think a lot of people put up with bad relationships because they haven't been taught/shown any better. You see it all the time on here, women who don't realise that by staying in their shitty relationship, they are demonstrating to their kids that 'shitty' is how adult relationships look. Then the kids follow that example. Humans are very 'monkey see, monkey do'. We all follow the example set by our parents, unless we're lucky enough to learn otherwise. I was 'monkey doing' relationships until I had counselling. I genuinely didn't realise until then that a relationship that nourished and supported me could exist. I thought I was faulty for not being able to find nourishment and support in the shitty relationships I had.

I don't know why self respect isn't taught in schools.

It’s taken me many many years to realise that being attractive to a man is not the be all and end all. Women do tend to crave this though and can end up in absolutely shitty situations. When I was younger I just wanted what I thought was normal, a boyfriend, a husband and children. I didn’t even think about wether any of these would suit me and I made mistake after mistake with men all for validation. Now I’m much older it just doesn’t mean anything to me: I really do wish I knew then what I know now. I would have saved myself a lot of angst and pain.

Oh my god yes the low quality man thing is true of course. Never joined the "my man type" and quality of their prize but yes looking back........

Thing is, he wasn't low quality.
He was a good conversationalist and discovered he used to work in my organisation.
He brushed away her hands more than once.
At one point mid-conversation she showed me a holiday photo on her phone - "this is our family".
Right, ok, then I removed myself and mingled with other guests.

I can't think of anything worse than having a relationship. I do think there is something wrong with me mind you that I feel this way.

I cant stand the thought of having to share my bed, my finances, my beliefs. Maybe I'm just a selfish cow.

I've had relationships but they've always fallen apart, not surprising really.

All I hear and read is how women are cheated on, abused financially etc

I do have a child by choice on my own. I worry I will project my thoughts on to them. I do try not to.

I've had therapy as I think there is something wrong with me that I am so against a relationship. Even the therapist said I had a point as all she sees in her job is damaged women from relationships.

Not sure my point here to be honest.

I think the difference there though, is men tend not to talk about their issues/what's bugging them. Whereas women like to talk and discuss things.
My female friends will literally call me/message me whenever something happens between them/their partner and they like to 'offload' what's bugging them, every little detail and whatnot. Whereas my male friends won't, unless I see them in person and say 'how are things with ' and it's usually just a quick 'ugh the same as usual' and the conversation swiftly changes.

I think that's a myth. Many men do talk about their issues, and when it comes to serious mental health crises, in my experience men are far more likely to be open about them than women. People are also far more likely to take men seriously about their issues than women, and if a man doesn't open up but something seems off the people around him are more likely to notice than they would with women.

Many also do talk about relationship issues with their friends, they might not with you because you're female (sorry, just assuming that you are) because it is considered a no no and inappropriate for men to discuss relationship issues with female friends. Many women would feel betrayed by that and worried about the closeness between them.

This

@Regularsizedrudy Because the message girls get growing up from absolutely EVERYWHERE is there is no fate worse than being alone, unlovable and unfuckable. It is of course total bollocks and designed to keep women without power, or stop them realising their own power.

This ^ with big brass knobs on.

I am convinced that if women had more encouragement to get skilled up/educated, reach their full earning potential and be financially independent there would be a rush to the divorce courts tomorrow.

There was another thread on MN about wedding attire and young women wanting to wear dresses showing lots of skin.
IMO some females are their own worst enemies. They display themselves as a collection of body parts and then wonder why they aren't taken seriously as people.

I don't see it that way at all. Most of us want to be loved, cared for and to feel attractive. Companionship is sought after by most. It's not validation I seek. Are you not happy within yourself, for starters? Good life, good friends, isn't that enough? Most of my married friends are happy in their relationships, with good men. Only on MN do I see that everyone is single, having dumped a useless twat. Why did you marry a useless twat in the first place. None of my previous boyfriends were that useless. Life is easier as a couple, booking a holiday, having 2 incomes, someone to share all the nice bits with. It's not un-natural to want that. You get validation from other areas, but your kids are supposed to go off and marry someone else so probably not best you rely on that validation! Maybe just your viewpoint / attitude needs adjusting.

@Oblomov22

Most of my married friends are miserable and still in these marriages/relationships due to convenience and security, they also started out to a degree out or convenience. Yes exactly life IS easier with two people which is one of the attractions Op was stating. It's not true that "useless twats" are just on MN.

I was enjoying my drama free single life a lot before joining MN again in December and now I absolutely LOVE it.
The bad relationship threads here remind me of my posts back in the day when I was in a terrible relationship. It is such an eye opener to see how far I’ve come.

I think women should wear polo necks at all times. Then they will be taken more seriously. (Not tight ones though, of course, they would be their own worst enemies if they wore clothing that drew attention to their “body parts”.)

@PigleyWibbly I think women should wear polo necks at all times. Then they will be taken more seriously. (Not tight ones though, of course, they would be their own worst enemies if they wore clothing that drew attention to their “body parts”.)

I know your response is tongue-in-cheek but women are judged by how they dress whether we like it or not.

Ever heard the expression "when everything is in the shop window there won't be much in the store" ?