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Original poster

Husband is a terrible drunk. Is it reasonable to ask him to give it up?

55 replies

MontageOfHeck · 15/01/2023 22:46

I feel utterly pathetic writing this, but here goes. My husband is a terrible drunk. Even after a couple of beers (at home, for example), he goes “dead” behind the eyes, can’t hold a conversation, slurs, is overly clumsy / careless and gets really droopy eyes. It doesn’t have a positive effect on him at all, the way it does for some people.

Over the years, there have been stand out examples of extremely awful behaviour following too much alcohol. Some examples are:

1.) we were on holiday & I was pregnant with our first child. He got annihilated with a group of couples we met whilst there. Had to be carried back to the room by two men & tried to urinate behind a curtain after they left. I asked him what he was doing & he became furious & abusive. I tried calling my dad as I was so scared and he physically wrestled the phone out of my hands, resulting in me falling onto the bed

2.) gave birth to first born at c. 3am, released from hospital 8am and didn’t sleep all day as had family visiting and just trying to adjust to having a newborn. His family came in the evening and plied him with beer (I fully realise he was capable of saying “No” to this). He passed out and left me completely alone all night as he was too drunk to even hear the baby cry etc.

3.) on many occasions following beer, he’ll get up in the night, physically fall on top of me from standing (he’s 6’3” & 16 stone, whereas I’m half his size)…he’ll then act in a way that I can only describe as being in a trance, and I can’t get him to respond to me in a normal way. I’ll tell him he’s scaring me & just he can’t “come round”. It’s terrifying. He’ll knock furniture over. Break ornaments whilst falling around.

Would it be unreasonable to ask him to stop drinking? I very rarely drink (1-2 times per year) so I can’t work out if I have a warped perspective on it as I can genuinely take it or leave it. We’re both professionals and all other regards, we live a very lovely, normal and respectable life, but this is making me want to leave.

He’s had several beers tonight and I felt sick & resentful looking at him. He’s snoring his head off and I cannot comprehend why he carries on drinking when I’ve told him how unhappy it makes me. We’ve been together 12 years & have primary aged children.

OP posts:
MrsElm · 15/01/2023 22:51

You are being unreasonable to think that after all this time he will stop just because you ask him to. I presume you have asked before?

You would not be unreasonable to leave.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 15/01/2023 22:52

This is terrifying. To be honest I'd be asking him to leave until he was sober for good. Not asking him to stop drinking because he won't. How would you live with yourself if he hurt your children or left your children with no mother?
The way he gets is dangerous.
I read a really good book by Mandy Saligari about addiction I highly recommend it.

TrodOnLegoAgain · 15/01/2023 22:54

How often does this happen?

I would consider leaving. He sounds terrifying.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 15/01/2023 22:55

Please please think of your children. I grew up with alcoholic parents. It's so damaging for them to be around and massively raises their chances of addiction problems.
And do not confront him when he is drunk or hungover. If this is most of the time, then you need to find a safe way to say what u need to say.

Original poster
MontageOfHeck · 15/01/2023 22:56

Thank you both for responding; I have definitely thought about leaving, but I suppose the fact he doesn’t seem to be your typical alcoholic has made me think I’m being OTT. It can be weeks between drinks, and it’s usually only a couple each time, but it’s obviously punctuated by these extreme examples. The “dead behind the eyes” thing is every single time though.

I will absolutely look at that book, thank you.

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 15/01/2023 22:56

If you can't leave for yourself, leave for your children. The quickest way for them to become alcoholics themselves is to stay with an alcoholic father.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 15/01/2023 22:58

There's no such thing as a typical alcoholic. All addiction is as individual as the person suffering from it. He might not drink all the time but he's doing it enough for it to be a danger to you and your children. Definitely do some research, knowledge is power. Stay safe xx

Andsoforth · 15/01/2023 22:59

It’s not just about the amount or frequency though. If there was something that I did that put my partner or dc at serious risk, I would stop doing it. Wouldn’t you?

I’n not suggesting it’s easy to stop drinking. But he chooses to drink rather than put your or your dc’s safety first.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 15/01/2023 22:59

Also the dead between the eyes thing are you sure he isn't secretly doing drugs? That's not normal to get like that after a couple of beers.

Original poster
MontageOfHeck · 15/01/2023 23:01

Thank you for sharing your personal experience @Wavescrashingonthebeach . I’m sorry you went through that and I absolutely don’t want my children to go through this.

I will start making plans to leave. Deep down I know I’m not happy, I just couldn’t work out if I was being OTT as men like this obviously make you try to think you are or downplay the severity.

OP posts:
Itstimetoquit · 15/01/2023 23:02

Get rid of him,he can only change when hes ready,tough love is needed,been here myself its a crap life to live x

Original poster
MontageOfHeck · 15/01/2023 23:04

Andsoforth · 15/01/2023 22:59

It’s not just about the amount or frequency though. If there was something that I did that put my partner or dc at serious risk, I would stop doing it. Wouldn’t you?

I’n not suggesting it’s easy to stop drinking. But he chooses to drink rather than put your or your dc’s safety first.

Yep, I’ve said exactly this to him in the past. I know that if I were in his shoes, I’d never touch alcohol again as I wouldn’t want to jeopardise my relationship. I know it sounds ridiculous, but when he’s sober, he worships the ground I walk on, but this person he becomes when drunk is just selfish and not in control. It’s Jekyll & Hyde.

OP posts:
Original poster
MontageOfHeck · 15/01/2023 23:06

I would say definitely no drugs involved. He’s often just at home, he and I, or with my family. There’s no opportunity for him to take anything.

OP posts:
VioletLemon · 15/01/2023 23:06

Unfortunately, he sounds exactly like a typical alcoholic. Are you sure he doesn't also have a drug habit or could be topping up between beer with spirit. I've known various types of alcoholics and its surprising what can be concealed. I used to wonder why one was getting blotto so fast on just a few beets but they were adding a half bottle of spirits into the drinking, secretly. It's very sad but sadly an alcoholic will never, ever stop because a loved one asks. They have to want to themselves. I hope you can put yourself first and try to create a nice environment for your children. He may decide enough enough but you may feel it's too late. 💐

PossiblyOverstepping · 15/01/2023 23:13

he is more than likely drinking far more than you know. The dead behind the eyes thing rang a bell with me - I thought my partner was just really reactive to beer / tired/ not enough food etc but it turned out he was necking vodka. What you describe is alcoholic behaviour I’m afraid. I’m sorry. Only he can change himself but you can seek help for you

Original poster
MontageOfHeck · 15/01/2023 23:14

I could be being totally naive, but I really don’t think he is topping up or anything. He just loves beer, and it has an almost immediate effect on his senses. His whole family love to drink and are of the belief you have to drink to have a good time. He grew up with very few healthy boundaries regarding alcohol…

I know what I do need to do. I know he’ll think I’m being ridiculous, but I have to do it.

OP posts:
Twen · 15/01/2023 23:32

This is utterly horrendous OP you are not OTT. He is def topping up x

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 15/01/2023 23:48

You'd also be amazed at how easy it is to hide a drug problem from people you live with.
He is the product of his family upbringing. Don't let history repeat itself on your own children xx

smileladiesplease · 15/01/2023 23:54

Op he's topping up. Family member very similar seemed totally pissed after one glass of wine. Used to joke she was a light weight. She had a secret stash of gin.

TrishM80 · 16/01/2023 00:13

A 6' 3 16 stone man should not be getting blotto on a couple of beers.

Nat6999 · 16/01/2023 01:02

Having lived with an alcoholic & watched him kill himself with drink I can tell you he won't change, he will lie, cheat & steal to fuel his addiction & it is no place to bring up children. You are better off without him, either leave him or tell him to leave. Alcoholics are selfish, they only care about themselves & where the next drink is coming from.

Maytodecember · 16/01/2023 01:25

He probably is topping up, alcoholics are very cleaver with alcohol access.
There is no typical alcoholic, my exh had a professional job, ultra smart car, Gucci shoes, the lot —- didn’t stop him falling down on the Underground, blind drunk but because he looked smart he was sat in the First Aid room and given coffee.
Of course when sober he also worshipped the ground I walked on —- because I paid the bills, I kept quiet, I headed his parents off if they phoned when he as drunk, I called work and said he had food poisoning… in other words I was enabling him to drink. But I didn’t know it.
You could contact Al-Anon for support but I cannot see a happy future with your husband. Sorry, but you’re better off leaving.

junebirthdaygirl · 16/01/2023 02:17

While dealing with a member of my extended family who was an alcoholic we were told a person is an alcoholic if their drinking causes problems for themselves or others. So he is an alcoholic My family member had absolutely no tolerance for drink. A few drinks..not spirits..and he was gone. And he became a totally different person with drink. He has not drank now for ten years after going to rehab and support groups. Could you try alanon which supports family members dealing with an alcoholic and the support you get there will help you moving forward. There is also online support groups.
His family sound like they will be no help in seeing the problem but how about your own family?
Never deal with him when he has drink taken .

TheSandgroper · 16/01/2023 02:21

You would be much more reasonable to sort yourself out and move on. He LIKES being the way he is. You are his wife and the mother of his children. Your opinions mean nothing to him. Don’t live this way.

mathanxiety · 16/01/2023 03:43

I don't know why you think you might be unreasonable.

His drinking is causing enormous problems.

There are children who are aware of all of what is going on.