Husband is a terrible drunk. Is it reasonable to ask him to give it up?

[MontageOfHeck]

I feel utterly pathetic writing this, but here goes. My husband is a terrible drunk. Even after a couple of beers (at home, for example), he goes “dead” behind the eyes, can’t hold a conversation, slurs, is overly clumsy / careless and gets really droopy eyes. It doesn’t have a positive effect on him at all, the way it does for some people.

Over the years, there have been stand out examples of extremely awful behaviour following too much alcohol. Some examples are:

1.) we were on holiday & I was pregnant with our first child. He got annihilated with a group of couples we met whilst there. Had to be carried back to the room by two men & tried to urinate behind a curtain after they left. I asked him what he was doing & he became furious & abusive. I tried calling my dad as I was so scared and he physically wrestled the phone out of my hands, resulting in me falling onto the bed

2.) gave birth to first born at c. 3am, released from hospital 8am and didn’t sleep all day as had family visiting and just trying to adjust to having a newborn. His family came in the evening and plied him with beer (I fully realise he was capable of saying “No” to this). He passed out and left me completely alone all night as he was too drunk to even hear the baby cry etc.

3.) on many occasions following beer, he’ll get up in the night, physically fall on top of me from standing (he’s 6’3” & 16 stone, whereas I’m half his size)…he’ll then act in a way that I can only describe as being in a trance, and I can’t get him to respond to me in a normal way. I’ll tell him he’s scaring me & just he can’t “come round”. It’s terrifying. He’ll knock furniture over. Break ornaments whilst falling around.

Would it be unreasonable to ask him to stop drinking? I very rarely drink (1-2 times per year) so I can’t work out if I have a warped perspective on it as I can genuinely take it or leave it. We’re both professionals and all other regards, we live a very lovely, normal and respectable life, but this is making me want to leave.

He’s had several beers tonight and I felt sick & resentful looking at him. He’s snoring his head off and I cannot comprehend why he carries on drinking when I’ve told him how unhappy it makes me. We’ve been together 12 years & have primary aged children.

He is not getting into that state from 2 beers.

I was also going to ask how often, once a week or once a month, but I think it's not good at all if it's making you unhappy.

Hang on a sec, I'm not saying this ie his behaviour is reasonable at all. At all. But what you are saying just doesn't tally. Doesn't add up. You say this all happens after a couple of beers. 2? This doesn't make sense.
And you then refer to the birth, which if you have primary aged children must be 6 to 8 years ago?

When he’s sober you need to seriously discuss this. If is “me or the booze”. - which would he choose? If you are seriously not happy then you need to have that discussion. It was years before I realised my OH was hiding vodka and I was enabling the behaviour by not discussing it. You can’t change his behaviour - he’s got to want to change. Fortunately my OH got help and we are now both alcohol free. AL ANON are a great help. You can phone them for advice today,

My brother was an alcoholic. Towards the end of his life his tolerance for alcohol dropped dramatically- he could previous drink a bottle of whiskey before he was falling down drunk, in the last 5-10 years it would only take him 2-3 beers to get to the same state.

My dad wasn’t a drinker at all. Couple of times a year if that (barring a single beer with a meal etc). His tolerance was a joke - his friends called him “2 can Dan” and he was a big man (rugby prop) all his life. Some people get drunk really quickly. OPs husband could be one of them.

My mother is like this still and she’s in her 70s. It will never get better until he admits he has a problem and he doesn’t seem to think he has one

You can ask him, will he change? No- probably not.

He isn't just an annoying drunk, he is dangerous

Oh OP💐

You've had great advice. I'm so sorry that you are in this position.

You need to end it. This is far past ultimatums - the time for that was years ago.

Your DC will normalise this. My ex was abusive, not an alcoholic but had started to hide behind drink and drink a lot. I realised I had to do something when my 3 yo DS said 'when I'm big, I'm going to drink beer like Daddy & fall asleep on the couch'

Is there someone in real-life you can talk to?

Montage

Like so many posts of this type it is mainly about the alcoholic.

Asking him to stop drinking is about as effective an action as peeing in the ocean.

Do not make this life with his drinking the actual cornerstone of their childhoods. You have a choice re this man, they do not.

Your children are already going through all this. You cannot fully protect them from the realities of their dad’s alcoholism whilst you are all under the same roof. At the very
least they see the empties in the recycling bin as well as your reactions, both spoken and unspoken, to him.

Alcoholism is not called the family disease for no good reason, you are all affected by his alcoholism.

What do you get out of this relationship with your husband now?

How many more family occasions is he going to ruin before you finally say enough for your own self?. Your own recovery from this will only properly start when you and he are apart. All you’ve done is ended up being his codependent partner, enabler and provoker because you never forget. Time to get off the merry go around named denial.

I would urge you to seek legal advice re divorce and contact Al-anon. At the very least read their literature and attend their meetings if possible too.

Really? Would you be out of order to ask him to stop?
OP you wouldn't be out of order telling him to leave the house.

What good is he doing there? It sounds like he doesn't offer anything, who does childcare? If you're scared imagine how DC feel.

Yes tell him, demand he stop and actually, start making plans to speak to a divorce lawyer and chuck him out for unreasonable behaviour

He isnt going to change, so you suck it up or you leave, your choice.

In a nutshell... if you love him, then it's ultimatum time. You haven't really mentioned big issues outside of the drunkenness, so remove that from the equation and all will be well?

I had a friend in the exact same situation... literally has told me the same stories word for word. They went to a hypnotherapist and from that point on, he was amazing... all back to normal.

This is my advice. Be stern with him. Say you are at that breaking point where it is either you or the alcohol. He'll no doubt say one of three things:
1- OK, bye.
2- let me drinking moderation, maybe 'properly' during events (this one is up to you... trial period with a 'no mistakes AT ALL' clause?)
3- OK, let's work through this together, clean start.

Unless the love is actually gone, there's no harm in an ultimatum. At least give him a chance to try...

Thank you, everyone, I really grateful for all the wonderful advice.

Yes, the birth story happened 8 years ago. I mentioned it because it really upset me. I made a conscious choice to have zero pain relief during labour (circumstances permitting, and fortunately they did), so for him to get intoxicated whilst I was still in pain & exhausted completely broke my heart and he knows how much it hurt me. I know I would have given up alcohol if I’d have done either of the first two examples I cited.

The frequency of his drinking is relatively low, hence why I think I have assumed I’m being silly. It’s when everyone has left the party / occasion, the kids are in bed etc, he just turns into this monosyllabic oaf. He’s the life and soul up until then. The children are always in bed by the time the sluggish side comes out, but I fully accept as they get older it’s inevitable that they would start to see him like this too.

I will contact Alcoholics Anonymous for support on how to handle this in the short term. Thank you for listening. It has been a huge relief to just finally write this down.

The time for things like an ultimatum has really long since past.

An ultimatum can only be issued once as repeated ultimatums lose all their power otherwise. If the Op is not either willing or able to follow through on this then one should not be issued.

His drunkenness affects everyone around him.

His primary relationship is with drink, not the op and his family. She can only help
her kids and her own self ultimately, not him. He was never hers to rescue and or save.

*I really am grateful. Sorry for typos, I didn’t sleep very well last night.

It’s Al-anon you need to contact, not Alcoholics anonymous. They are two completely different organisations.

He, like you, is likely and completely underestimating how much he is putting away. The frequency of his drinking is not as important as the effects that has on people around him when he drinks.

Oh thank you for clarifying. Yes, you’re absolutely right, the frequency is largely irrelevant.

You need to leave him. He will not change. My ex was like this and after a couple of drinks you could see the change in him and he just became bull headed and abusive. I walked on eggshells for years because of it and in the end after so many discussions and broken promises I eventually left him knowing he was never going to change.

My ExH did the dead behind the eyes thing, by the end of drink 3. One drink and he couldn't stop. He's not seen his kids since 2015.

Of course it's not unreasonable to ask but the fact is he may well completely ignore your request. Or he may agree and then carry on anyway. It sounds horrible OP.
I used to drink too much in my 20s. I'd never get aggressive but let's just say I wasn't a pretty sight... I knew how much my DH disliked it and I stopped getting in to a state. I realised it was stupid, dangerous and unattractive so I stopped. I now rarely have more than 2 drinks.
So yes, ask him to stop but don't expect him to pay any attention...

I would leave

But I am sure I am not the first person who says you can't just say 'stop drinking' and the person goes 'now why didn't I think of that' it doesn't work like that

You have evey right to leave though

I was considering sending my partner for all sorts of tests because I was so worried he was getting blotto on ‘two beers’. It was all lies. Topping up from a hidden bottle … offering to buy a round then necking a vodka while waiting… I’m sorry, adult men who are frequent drinkers don’t get that drunk on two pints. But does it really matter? His drinking is a problem to you. Please try calling women’s aid or Al Anon. It can be life changing to hear another voice saying ‘this isn’t normal’. It’s not your secret to hide although they make you feel it is. There are lots of us here who have been there x

I had one like this. There are only two options really. He "never drinks again' (which will likely in reality be decades of dry spells of varying lengths, followed by 'incidents' that you're always dreading, every Christmas, wedding, funeral, holiday, on pins, watching and waiting...) Or you leave him now, and have a life where you can relax, without fear or embarrassment or a constant cycle of hope and disappointment.

My first thought was that he's topping up earlier drinking. It would be unusual to go straight to 'dead behind the eyes' after a couple of drinks - especially if he comes from a family where drinking is normal.

I assume it's possible to have and maintain an intolerance to drink so it makes you instantly drunk, but seems more likely that he has a drink problem.

Alcoholics are brilliant at hiding their problem. I mean, really creative and convincing, and willing to look you in the eyes and lie.

That aside, whether he's an alcoholic or has an ectremely low tolerance to the stuff, he has a drink problem. He's vile and unsafe and a threat to you and your DCs when he's had a drink. A loving husband wouldn't want to be those things so would simply stop drinking. If he only drinks very infrequently that's no big deal to him. His choice would be:

Say no to alcohol (not hard at all if he only drinks a couple of beers every few weeks, and stop being a threat to wife and children's safety / happier home life / preserve marriage etc OR

Insist that those 2 beers every few weeks are more important than a safe and happy family.

His choice. If he chooses drinks then he has a drink problem. He's in denial. It will likely get worse. You won't ever feel you can rely on him. You will be in constant worry about what's going to happen next. Drink will always be more important to him that his family.

It certainly doesn't seem like a normal reaction to alcohol and given how extreme it effects him I wouldn't be focusing on the lack of frequency. I would be focusing on why he continues to do it if he knows what it does to him. If anything in think the way it effects him makes him more dangerous than a regular drinker. It's really not normal.