Husband is a terrible drunk. Is it reasonable to ask him to give it up?

[MontageOfHeck]

I feel utterly pathetic writing this, but here goes. My husband is a terrible drunk. Even after a couple of beers (at home, for example), he goes “dead” behind the eyes, can’t hold a conversation, slurs, is overly clumsy / careless and gets really droopy eyes. It doesn’t have a positive effect on him at all, the way it does for some people.

Over the years, there have been stand out examples of extremely awful behaviour following too much alcohol. Some examples are:

1.) we were on holiday & I was pregnant with our first child. He got annihilated with a group of couples we met whilst there. Had to be carried back to the room by two men & tried to urinate behind a curtain after they left. I asked him what he was doing & he became furious & abusive. I tried calling my dad as I was so scared and he physically wrestled the phone out of my hands, resulting in me falling onto the bed

2.) gave birth to first born at c. 3am, released from hospital 8am and didn’t sleep all day as had family visiting and just trying to adjust to having a newborn. His family came in the evening and plied him with beer (I fully realise he was capable of saying “No” to this). He passed out and left me completely alone all night as he was too drunk to even hear the baby cry etc.

3.) on many occasions following beer, he’ll get up in the night, physically fall on top of me from standing (he’s 6’3” & 16 stone, whereas I’m half his size)…he’ll then act in a way that I can only describe as being in a trance, and I can’t get him to respond to me in a normal way. I’ll tell him he’s scaring me & just he can’t “come round”. It’s terrifying. He’ll knock furniture over. Break ornaments whilst falling around.

Would it be unreasonable to ask him to stop drinking? I very rarely drink (1-2 times per year) so I can’t work out if I have a warped perspective on it as I can genuinely take it or leave it. We’re both professionals and all other regards, we live a very lovely, normal and respectable life, but this is making me want to leave.

He’s had several beers tonight and I felt sick & resentful looking at him. He’s snoring his head off and I cannot comprehend why he carries on drinking when I’ve told him how unhappy it makes me. We’ve been together 12 years & have primary aged children.

I was a heavy binge drinker for many years. Let me tell you that if you are drinking that regularly, 2 beers does eff all. Not even 3 even. In fact, you become so used to alcohol that you need to drink more over time, and then even more, to get to that effect that you are describing. Unless he has an extreme allergy to alcohol, no one gets drunk on 2 beers. Not even 2 wines. He is secretly topping up regularly (probably on spirits) when you're not watching. It is simply not possible to get that drunk on 2 beers or even 3 beers unless it's like, 20% alcohol or something. Your husband has a serious drinking problem. And you need to give him an ultimatum. Get help, or he leaves.

He is topping up op they are so sly snd so clever. Whiskey in a cup of tea type behaviour. Hidden bottles of spirits In wardrobe etc. my relative did all this. After seemingly 2 small glasses of wine eyes half closed like in a zombie state. Looked closed and dead eyed. I know exactly that look. Frightening snd the partner would tell us all its depression and anxiety hitting suddenly!!!! Bollocks

But I don't think he is drinking frequently - OP said the frequency is low, although he loves beer. So don't think he's 'hardened' but it's still a bit odd for such a big man to feel the effects after just a couple.

(Personally I would be quite sloshed/falling asleep after two glasses of wine but I don't drink much)

Sorry, I should have been much clearer. The extreme behaviour would only occur after 6/7 or more beers, but the commencement into vacant, dozy behaviour will happen after only a couple. Often he’ll stop there, but it’s already noticeable to me that he’s had a drink and it’s so triggering that I feel a revulsion towards him at that point. He’s pretty useless then and I wouldn’t be able to have a decent conversation with him as he appears just exhausted and spaced out. It’s almost toddler-like behaviour. His posture will become slack…his belly will stick out. Sorry, I know this sounds weird, but the physical way it effects him is so vivid to me as, like I said, I avoid conversation, so that’s what stands out the most.

I spoke to him this morning and he thinks he had 5 or 6 Bierra Moretti last night (small 330ml cans). He conceded that him drinking was unnecessary, but he felt awkward as my dad had a few. Classic BS.

I very rarely drink (1-2 times per year) so I can’t work out if I have a warped perspective on it as I can genuinely take it or leave it.

That trance-like state you mentioned? - It's an alcoholic blackout. People in blackout can walk & talk - even hold what might appear to be semi-lucid conversation - but they are not 'present' or in control.
Why do you think your dislike & worry about your H regularly getting blackout drunk is in any way warped?

You also say he often falls on you. One day he could hurt you - without even meaning to. Or your kids.

You've already told him how unhappy his drinking makes you. It didn't stop him. Neither will asking him to stop. You cannot police an alcoholic's intake - they have to do that for themselves, & before that can happen - they have to WANT to stop. Your H does not want to stop.

Any alcohol counselling service will ask you to remember that:
Your did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it

So don't imagine that any intervention from you will make a difference.
The only thing you CAN do is make plans to remove yourself & DC from the stress of living with an alcoholic. That's a big thing to get your had round & you will need support - please join an organisation like Al-Anon, which supports & advises partners/relatives of alcoholics - you need their knowledge & experience right now.
al-anonuk.org.uk/getting-help/is-al-anon-for-you/