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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is my husband cheating?

66 replies

iamhurt · 15/01/2023 20:36

From last three months, husband is acting fishy. He has joined snooker club etc . He is out most of the time and he has started drinking a lot recently. He doesn't like me to interrupt him by calling etc when he is out.
This afternoon I was cooking food but he left without eating. His response was that he was getting late for his game.
After three hours , I noticed he didn't take his car. His club is about 3 miles from our house.
I texted him about car and his reply was that he walked down.
I couldn't digest the fact that why would he walk if he is already getting late etc.
Then I noticed that he left his other phone on his desk. This phone is only for his WhatsApp and Tiktok . I couldn't control and looked at his phone. All his tiktok watch history was watching other women and he has sent five or six requests to local women in one particular day on facebook, a day before our 12th wedding anniversary.

He sleeps in different room because of mattress issues and always on phone .

I feel very unsettled and don't know whether to confront him just yet . I have taken all the screenshots.

Our sex life was used to be good but from few months it's only once a month.
I feel heartbroken.

OP posts:
Original poster
iamhurt · 15/01/2023 20:59

anyone please?

OP posts:
DestinysGrandchild · 15/01/2023 21:05

I don't really have any advice but I hope you find some answers soon. You deserve to be happy.

minticecreamisjustok · 15/01/2023 21:18

The story about being late but not taking his car for a 3 mile trip doesn't seem right, put that together with him messaging local woman, I can see why you are suspicious. Can you apple tag him, see if he's really going there?

Original poster
iamhurt · 15/01/2023 21:28

@ minticecreamisjustok can't apple tag him. He has android phone.

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Original poster
iamhurt · 15/01/2023 22:14

bumping for more advice

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gonnabeok · 15/01/2023 22:19

When he tells you he's at the snooker club, ring their number and ask them to put him on the phone. You'll soon find out if he:s there or not or you s teenshot the messages he had sent to women and confront him on it. Definitely cause to be suspicious.

frozendaisy · 15/01/2023 22:23

Whatever all this is it isn't an equal marriage anymore is it?
All what he wants
He goes out
Sleeps alone on his phone
You are not allowed to call him
He drinks
Requests to other women
A grown man on tiktok FFS

I presume you cook for him, wash his clothes, tidy the house?

So he is happy to keep you as a house servent he can treat how he likes but not a wife.

Do you need more proof of anything?

Can you announce you are not bring a husband I shall no longer be a wife. See what happens?

Original poster
iamhurt · 15/01/2023 22:54

@frozendaisy That's what it feels like.
I have confronted him. He ignored me and went to bed.He was angry and defensive.

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Jossse · 15/01/2023 23:07

Sounds fishy and a really rubbish situation op and I'm sorry you're feeling like this. I think you need some more information, can you call the snooker club or maybe even go there and see for yourself if he's there.
The whole situation doesn't sound good. Maybe it's time to start doing your own things too

Closetbeanmuncher · 15/01/2023 23:13

Agree with @frozendaisy

it certainly looks as if he’s checked out and is fishing for other women - you seem to be the only one participating in this marriage.

I don’t think this is going to end the way you want it to in truth OP, are you financially independent?

Original poster
iamhurt · 15/01/2023 23:24

@Closetbeanmuncher I work full time and is going to start new job next week with better pay. we have three children DD11, DD9 and DS 4. I just want to leave the house

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Grandmasword · 15/01/2023 23:31

Getting angry and defensive is a tell tale sign. Ignoring you is him being in control of the situation. I would say there is a reason why your spidary sences are going.

MsDogLady · 16/01/2023 00:22

@iamhurt, I don’t like the sound of this. Your H is acting like a single man, sniffing around other women, drinking more, and treating you and the children with utter contempt.

His wants are front and center, and he couldn’t care less about your feelings or boundaries. It speaks volumes that when confronted he dismissed you with defensiveness and anger instead of responding with respect and reassurance. That was a manipulative tactic to make you back off.

His disengagement and absence from your marriage and family life is an unsustainable situation. My advice is to tell him that you aren’t prepared to be treated with such contempt and callous disregard, and remind him that he has much to lose. I would probably consult with a solicitor to be informed of my options. Of great concern is the toxic relationship model that the children are witnessing.

Keep posting for support, @iamhurt.

Icanflyhigh · 16/01/2023 00:48

Certainly sounds like he's not behaving entirely as he should be, and his attitude to you is horrible.

okrrr · 16/01/2023 01:01

If he was cheating with someone already, surely he wouldn't be adding 5+ random women on Facebook? Sounds more like he's emotionally checked out of the relationship and his eye is wandering.

Monty27 · 16/01/2023 01:26

Keep your cards close to your chest. Watch him like a hawk without him realising. Shame about confronting him. You watch him squirm and collect yourself and evidence.

momtoboys · 16/01/2023 01:43

Who was the one to suggest he sleep in a different room?

Original poster
iamhurt · 16/01/2023 02:59

@MsDogLady He works from home and he is getting away with all this going out as he carries on moaning. I don't say anything to in order to keep peace in the house. In his defence, he says to me that you can go out as well but I don't. I love to spend my time with children.
Another red flag is that recently he always mentions that he pays the mortgage. In our marriage we had an agreement that He will pay for the mortgage payment and I will pay for other stuff which is equal to mortgage amount. He is carry on saying that he will stop paying it and will sell the house.It's very out of character.

I feel like just packing my bags and stay in hotel on my own.

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Original poster
iamhurt · 16/01/2023 03:03

@Monty27 Since I have found all this , I feel sweaty and has come down with temperature. It must be co incidence or am in shock? I don't know.
He went out at 1 and came back in taxi at 10:30. I couldn't control myself . confronted him. I should not have done this but felt my body was pushing for it. I am composing myself to get this sorted for once.

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Original poster
iamhurt · 16/01/2023 03:06

@momtoboys It's his idea. He is getting very repulsive. He doesn't want to stay in the same room with me. It's affecting my self esteem and I honestly feel that I might not be attractive to him anymore.

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Original poster
iamhurt · 16/01/2023 03:08

@okrrr My biggest fear if he is sleeping with other women rather than an affair. or perhaps he is looking for one.

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Guavafish1 · 16/01/2023 03:12

Sounds like he is checking out of the marriage.

I think you should sit down with him properly and talk about your marriage. You both seem unhappy.

dolor · 16/01/2023 03:17

Yep. He's cheating. The only other explanation for this is he's developed a hard drug habit. Or both.

I'd speak to a solicitor if I were you.

Original poster
iamhurt · 16/01/2023 03:26

@Guavafish1 He acts like child when I am trying to have a chat. He accused me that I am controlling him by asking why he is going out three times a week. So he is planting the seed in my brain that something is wrong with me and I honestly believed, But now I am realising there is nothing left to save in this marriage anymore.

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Original poster
iamhurt · 16/01/2023 03:28

@dolor He has certainly drinking a lot atleast 4 times a week and has started smoking in last couple of months.He gave up smoking years ago so this is all not adding up.

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