He cheated.

[0shit]

I found out 6 weeks ago my partner has cheated with a woman at work. They met 3 times after work and have kissed, been texting etc. I also found messages between them before we got pregnant in 21.
We have 2 young children and I am broken.
We were not in a good place and haven't been for a long time but this is not an excuse. We have had conversations at length about how we got here and why he did it, he says he feels I didnt love him and he didn't have anything to get home to - how cliche. He wants to stay, has now realised that he could lose everything, will never do it again blah blah.
We are doing couples therapy and I've said I am willing to try and make it work - I don't want my children's lives to implode although I do recognise if this happens it's not my doing.
I thought it would get easier as time passes but it just seems to be getting harder - I know me and my children deserve more than this but its so hard to remember how it was when he seems to have completely changed and is now talking to me, being helpful with the kids and round the house. Ultimately this is because he's been caught though isnt it?
I just dont know how I will get past this and trust him ever again, I dont even know who he is anymore.
Has anyone been here before? I am so hurt😞.

Yes, been there. Tried to make it work. Couldn't.

Sorry OP, it's shit.

@crisscrosscringle did you leave?

No, I wish I had as I would have been in control. I tried everything to make it work (Google the pick me dance) then he cheated again and I got "the script"- he loved me but wasn't in love etc.

Just to be clear - he was the one that left eventually; only on his terms. Wish I'd thrown him and his stuff out on the driveway!

@crisscrosscringle I'm really sorry to hear that. I hope you're doing OK now💐

Yes, stayed with him the first time he strayed.
Reconciled after the second.
Suspected the third time and ended it for good. I was right and he was cheating again.
Don't be me and waste your precious time.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

In the same place as you Op.

It's really hard to know what to do for the best.

Counselling helps.

I'm doing much better now. I went from surviving the first few months - first year really- to thriving. I am content which is a nice place to be.

You'll get there too.

I’m 6 months into this process and it’s been incredibly tough, but it’s much better now. Are you having individual therapy as well as couple’s counselling? For me this has been vital. You say he’s changed, but what else is he doing to help you feel safe? Have you read any books together? Is he in therapy?

Also, I’d recommend the Surviving Infidelity forums and r/asoneafterinfidelity on Reddit - you’ll get much more nuanced support on there than Mumsnet.

I've been there too. Kept together for too long afterwards. I couldn't come to terms with what he had done and it ruined me mentally and physically. I could not find a way back - he turned out to be so different to the man i thought he was. It destroyed my trust in him completely and ultimately ended a long marriage. Good luck in whatever you decide.

Once a cheat, always a cheat - something else i learnt!

Is he still working with her?

I'm so sorry, this was heartbreaking to read. I don't know what you should do. I'd definitely work through your own therapy then decide. I'd give it a few months. At the end of the day HE broke this. Not you. If you can trust and love him again that's up to you, It's your decision xx

@crochetandacuppa he let's me access his phone, sends live locations etc but I don't want to have to check his phone when I know he can invariably delete any messages anyway (as he had been doing this time around). Live locations don't matter because its not where he is its who he is with. I dont want to be a paranoid mess everytime he leaves the house. He is seeking his own therapy as he definitely has a lot of his own issues he needs to deal with which have all become very apparent in this 'wake up call'.
I also need to seek my own, it's just bloody expensive to do that alongside couples but I guess you can't put a price on mental health. @Ghostbuster2639 sort of, they work in the same building but different roles - I have told him he needs to find something else otherwise we are over anyway which he is in the process of doing.
He is saying and doing all the right things at the moment but ultimately he has lied to me for so long which I didnt realise he was capable of doing I'm not really sure what to believe or who he even is anymore.

It hurts me to the heart to read this. Especially as he's still trying to blame problems in your marriage for his actions. There were any number of things he could have done rather than hurt you in this way. It's a shame he didn't go to counseling before he made the decision to risk your marriage and your family.

Please find a way to get individual counseling for yourself. Ideally, before couples' counseling, you need someone on your side who can listen and give you the tools you need to get through this, without blaming yourself and feeling you have to stay together. You're allowed to change your mind at any time.

@beenwhereyouare I wish he had too, sometimes feel like it's too little too late now and the damage is done.
I'd give anything not to be in this situation but ultimately you are right so I will look to find some counselling of my own.

Additionally, I read this in another post last week. I think it's really good advice and hope it helps you.

*SandyY2K · 07/01/2023 20:52

The steps a spouse who has cheated must take towards a successful reconciliation.

Not all of them are required in every situation but, you get the idea:

S/He must be totally honest with you about everything

1. S/He must answer every question that you ask truthfully and fully.

1. S/He must do everything in his power to prove to you that you are the one that he wants to be with.

1. S/He must prove his love to you...he must be patient, gentle, compassionate and understanding.

1. S/He must feel your pain.

1. S/He must fully understand the devastation that he caused you.

1. S/He must accept full responsibility for his actions.

1. S/He must stop all contact with OM/OW and not try to protect them.
2. S/He must reassure you that it is OK to ask questions.

10. S/He must reassure you that you will not drive him away by doing the things that are necessary to heal.

11. S/He must recognize when your struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort you.

12. S/He must be able to tell you how sorry he is and show you.

13. S/He must re-enforce to you, that you are not responsible.

14. S/He must put his own feelings of guilt and shame aside and help you heal first.

15. S/He must reconnect emotionally, mentally, and physically with you and stay connected.

16. S/He must work on rebuilding trust. No secrets. No privacy.

17. S/He must be willing to seek counseling.

18. S/He must learn what is and is not acceptable when communicating with the opposite sex...he must establish boundaries and not cross them.*

Here's a link to the thread, which is also about some level of cheating with someone at work: I hope this helps.

Good luck, and you in no way deserved this. Don't let him tell you otherwise. ❤❤

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP. I completely understand asking for people’s experiences because you don’t want to feel alone. I guess what concerns me about doing that is that these experiences are heavily reflected on their own feelings and the outcome years later. None of us can tell you if your partner is being genuine, it depends on a large variety of factors. Is he otherwise very trustworthy, does he have form for being dishonest, what sort of battles have you been able to put behind your before and learn from? Personally I don’t like that saying “once a cheat, always a cheat”. I know of many times where it’s been spot on, but also quite a few where it wasn’t. If a couple decides to stay together and work through it, and nothing else happens, they’ve often made a vow to each other to move on and forgive. That’s the only way forward, isn’t it? If you decided to stay with someone and kept bringing up the past to them, eventually it would lead to the relationship breaking down. Also, in my experience people often feel ashamed of admitting they’ve been cheated on and they decided to stay. Based on comments
like “once a cheat, always a cheat”. People are often quick to say “Well I would never be anyone’s second choice, I’d rather be alone” and “You deserve better, LTB”. It sounds great on paper but in reality you could end up never finding the right fit. In long relationships (a lifetime) mistakes are made. Should they happen?? No. But can you live 50/60 years together without one single temptation? Doubtful.

There’s no doubt in my mind you do 100% deserve better than being cheated on. But there’s nothing wrong with trying to make things work either. If you can’t look at him the same way, if you don’t think you can forgive him, if you truly think it might happen again - of course, it is entirely your decision to leave. What I’m trying to say is that it is YOUR decision and people should not judge you for it.
Whatever decision you come to, it is entirely your right to do so. Always remember that.
Good luck and I wish you all well.

I just wanted to wish you luck OP. I discovered my ex was cheating after many years together. We got back together but only lasted another 6 months. I just couldn't trust him, I hated the new paranoid person I did become. Most of all my feelings entirely changed for him. The person I thought he was would never have cheated and so I ended it. I just couldn't look at him in the same way anymore. I was done and to be honest as hard as it was I've never looked back.

…he says he feels I didn’t love him and he didn’t have anything to get home to.

0shit, that kind of cop-out blame shifting doesn’t wash, and suggests that he isn’t authentically remorseful. If he had issues, he had an array of ethical options to use to deal with them. The truth is he wanted to have an illicit adventure with this OW and he made it happen. To that end, he was perfectly willing to treat you and the children with contempt and callous disregard.

I echo posters’ advice to seek IC and to check out the Surviving Infidelity site.

I would say you’re going to struggle to move forward until he’s no longer working with the AP. And, like others have said, it’s absolutely not your fault that he cheated - if the marriage ends, it’s on him. But marriages can - and are - reconciled after infidelity and can even be made stronger. It’s possible, but it’s entirely dependent on individual circumstances and the work couples do (together and on their own).

I was in your position pretty much this time last year, but with the roles reversed. That moment you find out, is the worst kick in the bits you can ever have, nothing prepares you for it.

It's the realisation that for you, the person and relationship will never be the same again, the trust is eroded and you feel you don't know them anymore. That change is on them, it's their extremely poor choices and actions that have caused it, so no matter what the excuses, it's on them, not you. It's not your fault.

My mental health went rapidly down hill for a long time, but I'm better than I was, but I'm certainly not the person I was and probably never will be.

Do I know everything that happened? No, I know I don't, but the honesty would be very much appreciated. Do I want to know? Well, yes, I'm owed that.

Only you will know if you can work through this and carry on. It will never be the same again though. If you do keep going, just remember, it's you that is in control and if at any point you think, no, this isn't for me anymore, you can walk away with a clear conscience, knowing you tried your best.

It's hurts like hell though OP.

Can he move out to give you some space.

You’re going to hear a lot about what he should be doing and quite frankly it’s ridiculous and it won’t happen. A man capable of having that much love and empathy for his wife would not have traumatised her by cheating in the first place. They are shit people.The infidelity business is really financially lucrative with all the counselling, online coaching and books. The idea that you can transform your shit marriage with a lying spouse who’s give you PTSD into something wonderful is a joke. It’s not possible. Infidelity is done knowing just how much pain, trauma and humiliation it will cause. And they do it anyway, they are not children who don’t know what they’re doing.

It might help you to look at John Gottomans cheaters cascade. His research has shown that resentment and negative comparisons are what causes cheating. In other words it’s the cheaters personality. These are people who choose to see the negative in everyone, who think they can do better, who make negative assumptions about people’s intentions and they stew about it without communicating.

Lots of cheaters also have avoidant attachment style and refuse to communicate. They create distance by flaw finding and focusing on your flaws. At the moment you will be focused on his affair but it will help you to look at the bigger picture. Have you been happy? Does he communicate, does he meet your needs? Before his affair did you feel he wanted to be married to you?

Because many cheaters say they don’t want a divorce yet they don’t want to be married. They are not present in the marriage ,they’re not communicating, they’re not solving problems. They’re checked out long before this happens.

It will be better to focus on the bigger picture because although he might not cheat again, counselling will not change his core personality if he has these traits. You will still have a spouse who secretly makes negative comparisons and doesn’t communicate and secretly seethes with resentment.

Im sorry this has happened. I hope you know this is not about you. Be wary of what is known as a fake reconciliation, it sounds like this has been going on for a long time and it’s unlikely it’s only been kissing.