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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He cheated.

46 replies

0shit · 14/01/2023 18:09

I found out 6 weeks ago my partner has cheated with a woman at work. They met 3 times after work and have kissed, been texting etc. I also found messages between them before we got pregnant in 21.
We have 2 young children and I am broken.
We were not in a good place and haven't been for a long time but this is not an excuse. We have had conversations at length about how we got here and why he did it, he says he feels I didnt love him and he didn't have anything to get home to - how cliche. He wants to stay, has now realised that he could lose everything, will never do it again blah blah.
We are doing couples therapy and I've said I am willing to try and make it work - I don't want my children's lives to implode although I do recognise if this happens it's not my doing.
I thought it would get easier as time passes but it just seems to be getting harder - I know me and my children deserve more than this but its so hard to remember how it was when he seems to have completely changed and is now talking to me, being helpful with the kids and round the house. Ultimately this is because he's been caught though isnt it?
I just dont know how I will get past this and trust him ever again, I dont even know who he is anymore.
Has anyone been here before? I am so hurt😞.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 16/01/2023 05:29

You don’t have to stay with him; you can leave

Oopsiedaisyy · 16/01/2023 07:16

As someone who cheated in their marriage, I'd advise ending it.

I honestly don't believe someone would cheat once and then remain faithful in that same marriage, unless there is a profound change in that relationship.

I know too many people who have multiple affairs, who swear they will be "good" and then can't help themselves.

TicketBoo23 · 16/01/2023 09:55

You’re going to hear a lot about what he should be doing and quite frankly it’s ridiculous and it won’t happen. A man capable of having that much love and empathy for his wife would not have traumatised her by cheating in the first place. They are shit people.The infidelity business is really financially lucrative with all the counselling, online coaching and books. The idea that you can transform your shit marriage with a lying spouse who’s give you PTSD into something wonderful is a joke. It’s not possible. Infidelity is done knowing just how much pain, trauma and humiliation it will cause. And they do it anyway, they are not children who don’t know what they’re doing.

Truth.

So refreshing to read this instead of the surviving infidelity, Esther Perel BS recommendations.

Surviving infidelity - I know this can theoretically also refer to coping if you leave or stay. But most of the time it means a relationship/marriage continuing with the betrayed spouse staying.

I always think - should you really have to survive something someone who's supposed to care about you has done to you?

TicketBoo23 · 16/01/2023 09:57

If you have to survive something someone's done to you; would self preservation not suggest you shouldn't have them around you, let alone in the ultimate position of trust, intimacy, enmeshment, investment etc.

Ghostbuster2639 · 16/01/2023 14:59

What is expected now is that you will self betray. You’ll be expected to put all your energy into the marriage and endlessly examine your husband’s reasons for cheating and take some blame about him not feeling loved. You’ll be expected to praise him for the bare minimum because after all he is trying. You’ll be expected to be committed to fixing it with someone who had one foot out of the door and who is a liar.

And your expected to do all this with small children to look after, PTSD, and the endless questions and mind movies which you’ll be expected to not mention after a time because “we’re trying to move past it”.

So if you’re going to try and reconcile you must have real life support, it is severely traumatic. It can cause physical illness and it can take years to recover. The counsellor wont address his shit personality or lying in any meaningful way. And the fact is he’s probably still lying. Adults in affairs don’t meet up for a kiss, they just don’t, it’s ridiculous to even suggest.Most reconciliations are fake and the person is still cheating, not being honest or cheats again later.

Be careful with sites like surviving infidelity. Because while it’s positive to get support and not feel so alone, it can also normalise it in way and I can guarantee you will be spending far more time there than he will. You will get caught up in what he’s supposed to be doing to help you heal ,or fixated on another lie which is a distraction from the bigger issue.

You might hear stories that some people are stronger after an affair, that they're glad it happened and these stories are the holy grail in those community's. It’s what every betrayed spouse wants to hear, that your marriage can be even better after lying and cheating and trauma. It’s magical thinking.

Women who live with men who betray and emotionally abandon them like this have been living with the enemy. In order to continue living with them they must now betray and abandon themselves. It’s the only way.

If you use sites like surviving infidelity you will see that many spouses are alone in their grief. They are alone trying to heal and many still aren’t getting the bare minimum.You will hear endless stories of how their spouse betrayed them and you will see how they are betraying themselves again and again by trying to accept the unacceptable.

The reality, which is not popular in the lucrative world of websites and counsellors, is that your marriage ended when he cheated. He chose to end it. If you allow him, he will drag out the ending for another few years.

crochetandacuppa · 16/01/2023 15:14

Long-term relationship are hard. People are fallible. Don’t crowdsource major life decisions on internet forums. OP, ultimately only you know if your relationship is worth working on. Nobody else can superimpose their experiences onto you. For me, reconciliation is going well. It’s taken a lot of soul searching and a lot of work on both sides. But it might not work for you, and walking away might be the best option. Only you can determine that, ideally with the help of therapy (individual, not couples). Whatever you decide, there’s no easy path, so I wish you lots of strength 💐

Ghostbuster2639 · 16/01/2023 16:42

Don’t crowdsource major life decisions on internet forums. OP

Yet you’ve told op to do exactly that, to go to surviving infidelity forums and Reddit forums. And you’ve suggested that her marriage can be even stronger after this betrayal. And this is my issue with those sites, it’s full of traumatised people advising each other and telling each other silly stories that if you just put up with this shit, the lying, the gaslighting, the trauma and the counselling you’ll eventually be rewarded in relationships heaven with an even better marriage.

Trauma does not result in an even better marriage. How on earth could it, it makes no sense. What trauma does is create trauma bonds and ptsd.There is absolutely no evidence that cheating improves marriages which is effectively what you’re saying and it’s utterly ridiculous. This lie is also told by counsellors for obvious reasons. It’s a myth, it’s a lie, it’s bullshit.

Some people want to give their spouse a second chance and that’s fine. But they should not be under the illusion they are going to have an even better marriage because that’s really fucked up. It’s not going to happen, it’s a symptom of the denial and trauma they are experiencing and a way to soothe themselves.

Diffuserqueen · 16/01/2023 16:46

This is about you and him op. Not about the kids, their lives won’t implode and its you he is cheating on. He can still be a good father even if he isn’t with you. Please do not make this about them, it’s about you and him and your relationship. Make a decision based on that.

Ihaveoflate · 16/01/2023 17:11

I am only a few weeks into finding out the extent of my husband's sexual and emotional affair at the end of last year. The betrayal is breathtaking and incredibly painful - I can truly empathise with your feelings.

We've decided to attempt to heal the marriage. I know it's not for everyone but I've made the right decision for me. It's early days but I'm cautiously hopeful about the future.

My husband is doing all the things listed on a previous post but he also knows I wil never forgive what he did. I'm not aiming for forgiveness, only acceptance.

💐 solidarity and strength for whichever path you choose.

Apairofsparklingeyes · 16/01/2023 17:14

Why wasn’t he being nice and helpful before you discovered his affair? (It’s really the bare minimum you should expect from him as a husband and father)

I think you know that the marriage is over but you’re not quite ready to accept it, which is very understandable. My advice is to use the therapy sessions to work through what will happen if you separate, as well as staying married. It’s much easier to divorce when children are very young as they adapt quickly.

LaLuz7 · 16/01/2023 17:21

The way i see it, when you forgive a cheater they usually take as permission to do it again/they gain the confidence that they can cheat and get off consequence free because you are weak and will forgive it. It's a dangerous precendent to set.

If you choose to stay, at least kick him out for a cool off period and make him grovel. And even then he might just see you as a doormat anyway...

Freeflight · 16/01/2023 19:14

I am so sorry OP, it is a really tough time and everyone will have their own ideas about what they would do/you should do etc.
I am over 7 years post infidelity. It was only a one time thing, but there were messages between them afterwards.
The list of what someone who has been unfaithful should do is spot on. I don't think it all rests on the incident, it is how that person responds to what they have done.
The remorse, the attempts to amends, therapy for them to understand why they did it, it all adds up.
My dh did none of them and I spent the next 7 years trying to recover, find reasons, blame myself, the impact on my already low self worth was huge and I don't think i realised. I've been over compensating for his behaviour ever since and I'm done.
We've recently had marriage counselling after I had personal counselling and we are now trial separating (but in the same house due financial constraints)
Take your time, but make sure you decide for you. The kids won't be kids forever so don't stop your life for them.

Freeme31 · 17/01/2023 19:12

6 years since Dday and wish id seen Ghostbusters 2639 she is spot on. You will never feel the same about your husband. You will never have that unconditional loving trust its gone forever. So sorry OP but if your financially able to - leave before it destroys you

ExtraJalapenos · 17/01/2023 21:33

Ask yourself. Do you want to keep tabs on every movement of his so you feel reassured he isnt going to do this again?
Are you willing to spend years doing this as your main focus in life on a day to day basis until your satisfied he is trustworthy?

Because I know I couldn't. I have blind faith and blind trust. The moment its broken I fear I'd turn into someone I'm not - someone who is heavily paranoid. I wouldn't be able to trust if I don't know where he is/who he is with. I'd probably over analyse every thing he says and every conversation about work would be scrutinised in great detail in my head wondering whether he would have even just walked passed her in the office. I couldn't live like that. I couldn't risk that becoming my life from now on. Watching his location. Needing to know in detail who he's going out with and where if its with anyone but me. It would destroy me.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you but I'm just talking from how I would be if this happened. I just don't think I could forgive. It's devastating. His apologies might be sincere. But he still didn't think anything of stamping all over heart 3 times with this woman.

Original poster
0shit · 18/01/2023 22:19

Thanks all, its much appreciated.
It breaks my heart but I think I am just torturing myself and ultimately need to take my hand off the stove and call it a day as I don't think I will ever be able to forgive him.
The thought of splitting and not putting my children to bed every night makes me feel sick but ultimately I didnt put us in this position and I'm sure with time they will be none the wiser.

OP posts:
StarDolphins · 18/01/2023 22:33

Ghostbuster2639 · 16/01/2023 04:43

You’re going to hear a lot about what he should be doing and quite frankly it’s ridiculous and it won’t happen. A man capable of having that much love and empathy for his wife would not have traumatised her by cheating in the first place. They are shit people.The infidelity business is really financially lucrative with all the counselling, online coaching and books. The idea that you can transform your shit marriage with a lying spouse who’s give you PTSD into something wonderful is a joke. It’s not possible. Infidelity is done knowing just how much pain, trauma and humiliation it will cause. And they do it anyway, they are not children who don’t know what they’re doing.

It might help you to look at John Gottomans cheaters cascade. His research has shown that resentment and negative comparisons are what causes cheating. In other words it’s the cheaters personality. These are people who choose to see the negative in everyone, who think they can do better, who make negative assumptions about people’s intentions and they stew about it without communicating.

Lots of cheaters also have avoidant attachment style and refuse to communicate. They create distance by flaw finding and focusing on your flaws. At the moment you will be focused on his affair but it will help you to look at the bigger picture. Have you been happy? Does he communicate, does he meet your needs? Before his affair did you feel he wanted to be married to you?

Because many cheaters say they don’t want a divorce yet they don’t want to be married. They are not present in the marriage ,they’re not communicating, they’re not solving problems. They’re checked out long before this happens.

It will be better to focus on the bigger picture because although he might not cheat again, counselling will not change his core personality if he has these traits. You will still have a spouse who secretly makes negative comparisons and doesn’t communicate and secretly seethes with resentment.

Im sorry this has happened. I hope you know this is not about you. Be wary of what is known as a fake reconciliation, it sounds like this has been going on for a long time and it’s unlikely it’s only been kissing.

I agree completely with all
of this.

Freeme31 · 19/01/2023 11:37

You are making a very brave decision i wish you the best of luck. You never know the break away might give you time to clear your head. I honestly believe at @Ghostbuster2639 is 100% correct its the best description of someone who stays has ever written.

Buttercup198 · 17/12/2024 03:07

I couldn't forgive a cheater trust would be gone forever

AvalancheOfCheese · 17/12/2024 03:28

You children will adapt and be fine. They need a happy mum more than anything else.

Once a cheater always a cheater.

AvalancheOfCheese · 17/12/2024 03:30

Ghostbuster2639 · 16/01/2023 14:59

What is expected now is that you will self betray. You’ll be expected to put all your energy into the marriage and endlessly examine your husband’s reasons for cheating and take some blame about him not feeling loved. You’ll be expected to praise him for the bare minimum because after all he is trying. You’ll be expected to be committed to fixing it with someone who had one foot out of the door and who is a liar.

And your expected to do all this with small children to look after, PTSD, and the endless questions and mind movies which you’ll be expected to not mention after a time because “we’re trying to move past it”.

So if you’re going to try and reconcile you must have real life support, it is severely traumatic. It can cause physical illness and it can take years to recover. The counsellor wont address his shit personality or lying in any meaningful way. And the fact is he’s probably still lying. Adults in affairs don’t meet up for a kiss, they just don’t, it’s ridiculous to even suggest.Most reconciliations are fake and the person is still cheating, not being honest or cheats again later.

Be careful with sites like surviving infidelity. Because while it’s positive to get support and not feel so alone, it can also normalise it in way and I can guarantee you will be spending far more time there than he will. You will get caught up in what he’s supposed to be doing to help you heal ,or fixated on another lie which is a distraction from the bigger issue.

You might hear stories that some people are stronger after an affair, that they're glad it happened and these stories are the holy grail in those community's. It’s what every betrayed spouse wants to hear, that your marriage can be even better after lying and cheating and trauma. It’s magical thinking.

Women who live with men who betray and emotionally abandon them like this have been living with the enemy. In order to continue living with them they must now betray and abandon themselves. It’s the only way.

If you use sites like surviving infidelity you will see that many spouses are alone in their grief. They are alone trying to heal and many still aren’t getting the bare minimum.You will hear endless stories of how their spouse betrayed them and you will see how they are betraying themselves again and again by trying to accept the unacceptable.

The reality, which is not popular in the lucrative world of websites and counsellors, is that your marriage ended when he cheated. He chose to end it. If you allow him, he will drag out the ending for another few years.

Agree with this 💯

SnoopySantaPaws · 17/12/2024 13:07

Buttercup198 · 17/12/2024 03:07

I couldn't forgive a cheater trust would be gone forever

Well that's your choice, but why revive someone's thread after almost 2 years??

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