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Original poster

So many red flags - am I wrong to ignore?

52 replies

StLevanBlackcaps · 13/01/2023 10:18

I met someone online about a year ago, we spoke for a few weeks then met and got on well. It developed into a relationship and I'm very happy with him. He's kind, funny, generous and loving. Sex is fantastic. We've got lots in common and really enjoy each other's company. We've both got fairly good jobs and our own social lives so we dont live in each other's pockets but we love spending time together. He's never made me uncomfortable or given me any reason not to trust him.

But... his past is like a ticklist of things that people on here would call red flags. I dated a fair bit online before I met him and I'm aware of how many losers/weirdos/messed up people there are out there. I really dont think he's one of them but I cant help wondering if I should be concerned about some of what he's told me.

He was abused as a child and has a tricky relationship with his family as a result. He has 2 children by 2 different mothers, both relationships were difficult and he doesnt speak to either woman now. One of his (now adult) children no longer has contact with him, the other has a LOT of issues. He was also married to a third woman who was abusive.

The kind rational side of me says what happened to him as a child has led to the other situations and that he deserves sympathy. The more suspicious side finds it hard to believe that everything was someone else's fault and thinks that he is the common factor.

I dont want to lose him but I'm very concerned about getting into something I'm not comfortable with. He's always been completely open and honest about his past and asked me to judge him on who he is today, not his past mistakes. Am I right to do that or should I be more cautious?

OP posts:
spinachmonster · 13/01/2023 10:23

This sounds really difficult! What's your gut feeling when you're with him?

prettygreenteacup · 13/01/2023 10:27

Everything being everyone else's fault and an "abusive" ex = Run for the bloody hills, over the hills and as far as you can

Newusername21 · 13/01/2023 10:38

It does sound like a lot of red flags so I think you are right to be cautious.

However he's clearly being open with you about his past - and really you can only judge him but his behaviour with you.

As long as you're not considering moving in or anything like that. I think you should carry on as you are (it does sound like you are happy with him) but also just keep yourself aware of his behaviour towards you.

Aikko · 13/01/2023 10:49

"He has 2 children by 2 different mothers, both relationships were difficult and he doesnt speak to either woman now. One of his (now adult) children no longer has contact with him, the other has a LOT of issues. He was also married to a third woman who was abusive."

Too many red flags for me. Remember that you only have his side of the story.

Chrimbob · 13/01/2023 10:55

How do you know he's being completely honest and open? And asking you to judge him on his current actions is a bit of an ask. He did all those things on the past, it wasn't a different person.

ThirtyThreeTrees · 13/01/2023 11:03

It's 5 people who want nothing to do with him- 3 exs and 2 children.

Two sides to all stories and that but it's unlikely that they are all wrong. I would end it unless you want to be number 6.

Babdoc · 13/01/2023 11:07

A year is quite a long time for him to pretend to be a good partner if he is actually abusive - with most of them, the mask slips by about the six month mark. So either he is more plausible than most, or he genuinely has learned from his past.
I would continue the relationship OP, but have a very low tolerance threshold for any bad behaviour.
Dumping him now because you think he might become abusive in future, with no evidence, is rather a case of “Give a dog a bad name and hang him”. It would mean none of us can ever be forgiven or move on from our past selves.
There is also the possibility that his abusive childhood led him to make bad choices of partners - perhaps abusive women (yes, they do exist, though not as common as men) as he felt a familiarity in receiving continued abuse.
Give him time - to either reveal a suspected nasty side, or to prove himself a good partner. Judge him on deeds, not words or his past.

minticecreamisjustok · 13/01/2023 11:21

Reading him written down sounds dreadful, however you're the one that's in a relationship with him, depends on how much you spend time with him, to know what's he's like.

Original poster
StLevanBlackcaps · 13/01/2023 11:36

@spinachmonster my gut feeling is that he's a good guy, my radar for arseholes is pretty fine tuned after a few years of OLD!

There is also the possibility that his abusive childhood led him to make bad choices of partners - perhaps abusive women (yes, they do exist, though not as common as men) as he felt a familiarity in receiving continued abuse.

This is exactly what I think - I think he just wants to be loved and that's led to him making bad choices. But I know that sounds like a terrible cliche and naive at best.

However I also had an unhappy childhood (for very different reasons) so I feel I understand him to an extent because of that. I chose the wrong person too, mine wasn't abusive but he wasn't right for me - I was trying to find what was missing in my life at the time.

OP posts:
NothingButSpace · 13/01/2023 11:39

Three marriages?! What do you see in your future, in general not particularly with him? If it’s marriage it would be no 4 for him. It would be a non-starter for me sorry.

Chrimbob · 13/01/2023 11:42

However I also had an unhappy childhood (for very different reasons) so I feel I understand him to an extent because of that.

Okay this sounds even worse now. Like you're soulmates, you can be the one to fix him... I would absolutely judge him on his past behaviour.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 13/01/2023 11:43

I agree with @Babdoc , that would be the explanation which potentially means his past isn't an automatic No!
But, massive proceed with caution, for your own sake, take extra long to get to know him. See him in all his colours and don't share finances or home until you've seen him at his worst as well as his best, because he could have had a lot of personal growth to do to leave his abuse behind, or he could be the problem and it's anyone's guess which it is!

Original poster
StLevanBlackcaps · 13/01/2023 12:07

No - 3 relationships, only 1 marriage.

Okay this sounds even worse now. Like you're soulmates, you can be the one to fix him... I would absolutely judge him on his past behaviour.

That's definitely not how I feel although I can see why you'd say that. I just understand how you can screw up in that way. But he knows I'm cautious about his past, we're both very open about it.

I'm not sure what 'past behaviour' there is to judge though. I doubt he's totally blameless for the relationships not working but I'm not aware he did anything majorly wrong and I've certainly not seen any sign of bad behaviour from him. Of course, as someone pointed out above, I only have his word for what happened.

My independence means a lot to me so I've no intention of living together or sharing finances let alone anything more - at least not for the time being. But I do feel like it's a relationship that could last.

OP posts:
Idontknowhatnametochoose · 13/01/2023 12:24

People can learn and change and in my view everyone deserves a chance if they seem genuine. I think it would be an awful world if everyone was immediately judged and discounter based on their past alone.

Give it more time, if it all otherwise feels good it would be a shame to throw it away. If he's controlling abusive or otherwise horrible he won't be able to hide it for long. Hopefully he's a guy who just made bad choices in the past due to his upbringing and that is the case for lots of us.

2bazookas · 13/01/2023 12:33

You could just carry on but keep it casual and independent; don't move in together, buy a property, get pregnant, give up your job or lend him money.

Just carry on enjoying his company, sex and fun as long as it lasts. Stop when it doesn't.

Florissant · 13/01/2023 12:34

Yes. You are wrong to ignore the red flags. Do so at your peril or accept the consequences.

NoSquirrels · 13/01/2023 12:38

One of his (now adult) children no longer has contact with him, the other has a LOT of issues.

Why is his adult DC no-contact? What are the ‘issues’ the other DC has? Why does he think both relationships broke down?

mewkins · 13/01/2023 12:39

StLevanBlackcaps · 13/01/2023 12:07

No - 3 relationships, only 1 marriage.

Okay this sounds even worse now. Like you're soulmates, you can be the one to fix him... I would absolutely judge him on his past behaviour.

That's definitely not how I feel although I can see why you'd say that. I just understand how you can screw up in that way. But he knows I'm cautious about his past, we're both very open about it.

I'm not sure what 'past behaviour' there is to judge though. I doubt he's totally blameless for the relationships not working but I'm not aware he did anything majorly wrong and I've certainly not seen any sign of bad behaviour from him. Of course, as someone pointed out above, I only have his word for what happened.

My independence means a lot to me so I've no intention of living together or sharing finances let alone anything more - at least not for the time being. But I do feel like it's a relationship that could last.

While your independence may mean a lot to you, the fact that he has got through three marriages suggests he is very much the settling down type.

It's ok to say that this relationship is all fine as more casual thing but is that really how he sees it? Is the rest of his life stable in terms of job, money, friends etc?

LordSugarTits · 13/01/2023 12:48

"He was abused as a child and has a tricky relationship with his family as a result. He has 2 children by 2 different mothers, both relationships were difficult and he doesnt speak to either woman now. One of his (now adult) children no longer has contact with him, the other has a LOT of issues. He was also married to a third woman who was abusive."

Nope. I'd be sprinting away from this.

Original poster
StLevanBlackcaps · 13/01/2023 12:52

While your independence may mean a lot to you, the fact that he has got through three marriages suggests he is very much the settling down type.

It was only one marriage, one short relationship and one longer one. But yes I think he'd perhaps he'd like to be.

It's ok to say that this relationship is all fine as more casual thing but is that really how he sees it? Is the rest of his life stable in terms of job, money, friends etc?

Yes, he has 2 degrees and a good job, he's OK for money - not rich but not skint - and has the amount of friends I'd expect.

Why is his adult DC no-contact? What are the ‘issues’ the other DC has? Why does he think both relationships broke down?

There was a falling out with the older DC and they dont want to get back in touch at the moment - I dont think they were that close as they didnt live with him growing up. He's close to the other DC and sees them regularly but they have a lot of mental health issues that they refuse to acknowledge or get help with, he's very supportive and does a lot for them - practically, financially, emotionally - but it's hard work. Their mum does nothing so it's all on him - that's not him playing the 'evil ex' card, it's just a fact.

OP posts:
Goldpaw · 13/01/2023 12:52

I would say that as long as you don't intend to settle down with him or have children with him, you will probably be fine.

I definitely wouldn't marry this man or have children with him.

Three different women. His ex wife was abusive, and his other two ex partners don't speak to him. One of his children, now adult, has nothing to do with him, and the other has serious problems.

He's the common denominator in all of this. Since he says he's had an abusive childhood and family relations are strained, I'd suggest he may have his own issues around 'family' that means everything is fine with you now, and could be fine forever as long as you stay in the relationship as it is.

I think if you decided you wanted something closer like living together or you wanted children, cracks would soon start to show.

Original poster
StLevanBlackcaps · 13/01/2023 12:55

@Goldpaw that's really interesting.

He's the common denominator in all of this. Since he says he's had an abusive childhood and family relations are strained, I'd suggest he may have his own issues around 'family' that means everything is fine with you now, and could be fine forever as long as you stay in the relationship as it is.

I think if you decided you wanted something closer like living together or you wanted children, cracks would soon start to show.

How do you think his issues would come out if in a different situation? Sorry I know you're not psychic!

OP posts:
Goldpaw · 13/01/2023 12:56

Also, like others have said, his family background may mean he has made a lot of poor choices - many women end up with a string of abusive partners after all!

But what women are advised to do is sort out their issues before getting into another potentially unstable relationship, so has he made moves ever to have therapy?

Lilaccape · 13/01/2023 12:57

Every abused woman I have worked with was abused by a man who had at least one ‘abusive’ ex. In more than one case the man has told them, or they have found out, that he only said his ex was abusive incase they were told by anyone else he was abusive/found out about his arrests or jail time, so he could say it was in self defence.

Can you look into Clare’s law?

Lilaccape · 13/01/2023 12:59

StLevanBlackcaps · 13/01/2023 12:55

@Goldpaw that's really interesting.

He's the common denominator in all of this. Since he says he's had an abusive childhood and family relations are strained, I'd suggest he may have his own issues around 'family' that means everything is fine with you now, and could be fine forever as long as you stay in the relationship as it is.

I think if you decided you wanted something closer like living together or you wanted children, cracks would soon start to show.

How do you think his issues would come out if in a different situation? Sorry I know you're not psychic!

A lot of abuse doesn’t start until pregnancy, the birth of a child or marriage.