So many red flags - am I wrong to ignore?

[StLevanBlackcaps]

I met someone online about a year ago, we spoke for a few weeks then met and got on well. It developed into a relationship and I'm very happy with him. He's kind, funny, generous and loving. Sex is fantastic. We've got lots in common and really enjoy each other's company. We've both got fairly good jobs and our own social lives so we dont live in each other's pockets but we love spending time together. He's never made me uncomfortable or given me any reason not to trust him.

But... his past is like a ticklist of things that people on here would call red flags. I dated a fair bit online before I met him and I'm aware of how many losers/weirdos/messed up people there are out there. I really dont think he's one of them but I cant help wondering if I should be concerned about some of what he's told me.

He was abused as a child and has a tricky relationship with his family as a result. He has 2 children by 2 different mothers, both relationships were difficult and he doesnt speak to either woman now. One of his (now adult) children no longer has contact with him, the other has a LOT of issues. He was also married to a third woman who was abusive.

The kind rational side of me says what happened to him as a child has led to the other situations and that he deserves sympathy. The more suspicious side finds it hard to believe that everything was someone else's fault and thinks that he is the common factor.

I dont want to lose him but I'm very concerned about getting into something I'm not comfortable with. He's always been completely open and honest about his past and asked me to judge him on who he is today, not his past mistakes. Am I right to do that or should I be more cautious?

I think a safer thing to do would be for you to stop discussing all of this with him, and work on your boundaries. Think about what would be a deal breaker for you. It might be one big thing, or a list of smaller things.
If you find he is pushing up against your boundaries, look out for you excusing him and moving them.

Absolutely! This is what I was thinking. Nobody is the entirely emotionally sorted, all-wise, perfectly behaved in all circumstances complete package - and personally I'd be extremely put off by the smug short sightedness of anyone who believed they were!

We've all made mistakes in the past and still have some more to make. The best you can hope for is somebody who is doing their best to be a good person, and is open to reflecting on their experience, learning and adapting as necessary.

Therapy helps some people, but it is not the answer to everything for everyone, and personally I'd be worried by someone who believed that, because of therapy, they now had their emotional life entirely sorted.

I am not quite seeing the heart of your concerns OP. You will never see inside this man's head - and why would you want to? You can only respond to the things he shows you - what he says and does in the world - and that's actually all that matters. No persual of his past will enable you to accurately predict his future behaviour, because people are too complex and don't work like that. You can only really judge whether he makes you happy now - it seems he does? And you have no plans to make yourself especially vulnerable to him - you aren't planning on moving in with him or having a child together or anything.

So the very worst that can happen is for him to start behaving in ways you aren't keen on further down the line, at which point you can finish with him. IF it happens. And there is no evidence to suggest it will ......