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Original poster

5 yr old hitting me, saying "I hate my mother" etc

66 replies

TicketBoo23 · 12/01/2023 22:49

Is this within the normal range of 5 yr old behaviour?

The hitting is occasional.

The I hate my mother, I want a different mother, different parents is ... Maybe weekly.

All occasions are when she doesn't get her way.

Or very occasionally if I did something accidentally that "inconvenienced" her, like pressed the wrong thing on her tablet

What is the correct response to this type of behaviour (my instinct is "you little effing bitch" 😫)

She started P1 and I thought she was mercifully not doing anything similar in that context bug today teacher told me she'd scraped a child who took her flower.

OP posts:
Original poster
TicketBoo23 · 12/01/2023 22:51

(She apparently did look genuinely contrite and distressed and did apologise).

OP posts:
ItsReallyOnlyMe · 12/01/2023 22:55

The correct response is 'well I love you' and move on.

EatingWormsMichael · 12/01/2023 22:56

Normal in my experience. DS would tell me he wanted to live with someone else (it's just me and him at home) and that i was the worst parent. I think he did sometimes hit me when he was angry or frustrated. He is 8 now and doesn't do this at all.

It was hurtful at the time but I reminded myself that I was his world and he absolutely loved me. They are testing out their emotional power.

Original poster
TicketBoo23 · 12/01/2023 22:56

And what about when she hits me or her Dad?

(And possibly other children if there is any repeat of today's incident).

OP posts:
Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday · 12/01/2023 22:59

Does she really call you mother?

if hitting then I remove them/ me from the situation until they calm down

any I hate you’s etc get a ‘that’s a shame, I love you very much’

I’ve never thought of my child as an ‘effing bitch’ though so hard to tell

Original poster
TicketBoo23 · 12/01/2023 23:00

EatingWormsMichael · 12/01/2023 22:56

Normal in my experience. DS would tell me he wanted to live with someone else (it's just me and him at home) and that i was the worst parent. I think he did sometimes hit me when he was angry or frustrated. He is 8 now and doesn't do this at all.

It was hurtful at the time but I reminded myself that I was his world and he absolutely loved me. They are testing out their emotional power.

Thats very reassuring to hear.

She has said more than once she'd like to go with her (incredibly nice) reaching assistant from school.

It must have been v hard for you as a single parent. (if I got that right) ... At least I can sympathise with her Dad when she includes him in it.

I know they don't really mean it and don't understand but it's hard when you're doing everything for them, having gone through two or more years of sleep deprivation etc. Your whole life is based around them and they're like "I don't want you, I want someone else".

I've told her we're a lot softer and nicer than many parents and she doesn't realise it .... Maybe that's too much to be getting into with a 5 yr old child.

OP posts:
HerRoyalNotness · 12/01/2023 23:01

I have the same issue here. The response to use from what I’ve read is, I can see you’re very angry with me. You can be angry but you’re not allowed to hit

I’ve been using that, might sink in one day

Original poster
TicketBoo23 · 12/01/2023 23:02

Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday · 12/01/2023 22:59

Does she really call you mother?

if hitting then I remove them/ me from the situation until they calm down

any I hate you’s etc get a ‘that’s a shame, I love you very much’

I’ve never thought of my child as an ‘effing bitch’ though so hard to tell

When she says "I hate my mother"; yes.
The rest of the time Mum.

Congratulations on never thinking of your child with extreme irritation ..... You must be very saintly indeed.

OP posts:
Original poster
TicketBoo23 · 12/01/2023 23:03

if hitting then I remove them/ me from the situation until they calm down

Sometimes not possible.

I'm her main carer the vast majority of the time.

She is heavy, solidly built and I do not relish trying to carry or pull her somewhere, with the usual audience that seems to be around if your child is acting up.

OP posts:
Original poster
TicketBoo23 · 12/01/2023 23:04

I wouldn't want to get into that anyway.

OP posts:
Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday · 12/01/2023 23:05

I never said that, I regularly think they are irritating but the formality of ‘mother’ from such a small child and the ‘effing bitch’ piece paints a fairly cold picture.

how often does it happen, what happens in the run up? Have you asked why the teaching assistant seems like such a good option?

Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday · 12/01/2023 23:06

Wouldn’t want to get into what anyway?

Otterleaf · 12/01/2023 23:06

How do you react when she says it? Just wondering if you have inadvertently given this statement power so she knows to use it to push your buttons?

RedHelenB · 12/01/2023 23:07

TicketBoo23 · 12/01/2023 22:56

And what about when she hits me or her Dad?

(And possibly other children if there is any repeat of today's incident).

Then you tell her no and punish her. Seems an alien concept nowadays, but no way would I put up with any of mine doing that at any age.

Original poster
TicketBoo23 · 12/01/2023 23:07

HerRoyalNotness · 12/01/2023 23:01

I have the same issue here. The response to use from what I’ve read is, I can see you’re very angry with me. You can be angry but you’re not allowed to hit

I’ve been using that, might sink in one day

What do we do if it doesn't stop the (occasional) hitting?

I've told her several times not to hit me; that I don't hit her.

Yet her first instinct and action today was to hit me when I wouldn't buy her an ice cream she wanted (having already bought her a slushie and ice-cream alongside her play date pals in soft play). She was possibly hyper from sugar etc, I don't know if that is a factor.

OP posts:
Original poster
TicketBoo23 · 12/01/2023 23:08

but the formality of ‘mother’ from such a small child

I already responded to that point.

OP posts:
Original poster
TicketBoo23 · 12/01/2023 23:09

She does not habitually call me mother. The only time she ever says it is in that phrase, very occasionally.

OP posts:
Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday · 12/01/2023 23:09

If she hit me in that ice cream scenario i’d have taken her home. Fun day out stops

Original poster
TicketBoo23 · 12/01/2023 23:09

RedHelenB · 12/01/2023 23:07

Then you tell her no and punish her. Seems an alien concept nowadays, but no way would I put up with any of mine doing that at any age.

Show quote history

What punishments have you found appropriate/effective for a 5 yr old.

OP posts:
Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday · 12/01/2023 23:10

My point want that I wasn’t claiming to be saintly- just saying what you had presented in your OP painted a picture that may have been part of the problem.

Original poster
TicketBoo23 · 12/01/2023 23:10

I feel like it's so instinctive with her, abc ftes so young that she won't "remember" about them and will do it anyway and then I'll feel bad punishing her.

OP posts:
Original poster
TicketBoo23 · 12/01/2023 23:12

Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday · 12/01/2023 23:10

My point want that I wasn’t claiming to be saintly- just saying what you had presented in your OP painted a picture that may have been part of the problem.

We are very affectionate and loving towards each other most of the time. Wrong tree, barking up.

OP posts:
Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday · 12/01/2023 23:13

Ok- so what have you tried then to stop it? How do you handle it? That’ll make it easier to give suggestions that might be helpful

converseandjeans · 12/01/2023 23:14

@TicketBoo23

Yet her first instinct and action today was to hit me when I wouldn't buy her an ice cream she wanted (having already bought her a slushie and ice-cream alongside her play date pals in soft play). She was possibly hyper from sugar etc, I don't know if that is a factor

What did you do? I think I would take them home if they treated me like this.

Sorry to sound harsh but what about if she is doing this at 15? You need to be stricter.

Mine have never hit me & never said they hate me.

I think it can be normal for them to adore their TA or teacher.

JassyRadlett · 12/01/2023 23:14

TicketBoo23 · 12/01/2023 23:09

What punishments have you found appropriate/effective for a 5 yr old.

Show quote history

It depends on what matters to her.

It also depends on the situation and what triggered it.

So at the soft play, PP's suggestion of leaving immediately is appropriate.

We have also done screen bans, removals of treats/privileges/nice outings.

And the flipside is loads of positive reinforcement for good, positive behaviours - if she deals well with a disappointment, you heap on the praise and if you can, do something nice with her.