5 yr old hitting me, saying "I hate my mother" etc

[TicketBoo23]

Is this within the normal range of 5 yr old behaviour?

The hitting is occasional.

The I hate my mother, I want a different mother, different parents is ... Maybe weekly.

All occasions are when she doesn't get her way.

Or very occasionally if I did something accidentally that "inconvenienced" her, like pressed the wrong thing on her tablet

What is the correct response to this type of behaviour (my instinct is "you little effing bitch" 😫)

She started P1 and I thought she was mercifully not doing anything similar in that context bug today teacher told me she'd scraped a child who took her flower.

As ‘mother’ is a word she usually wouldn’t use do you think she heard it on tv and is just trying it out?

Yes, she must have heard it somewhere.

And the flipside is loads of positive reinforcement for good, positive behaviours - if she deals well with a disappointment, you heap on the praise and if you can, do something nice with her.

I would do rewards too for good behaviour. We used to do jar of marbles with various treats per 10 marbles.

These are good points.

I suppose we're often in danger of only acknowledging bad behaviour.

I'm going to have to prep her for eg play dates, remove privileges if she acts badly like today and see if that works, and also do rewards & acknowledgement of good behaviour.

What if she does had asd traits and this is part of it; is it unfair to do the above (?) Could she maybe not help it, as such. I don't know whether to contact an ASD therapist or whatever the right word is.

One of the Mum's said today that everyone told her her DD had asd and it turned out she has hearing problems & had speech problems. She's had loads of speech therapy and is now not acting that way. I feel like it's so stoned the catch all explanation for everything.

*it's become

I think you have a point, and I think she's on it too much.

It's going to have to be rationed as such too.

I've been trying to get her off it in the evening and do other things, she happily made cakes from play dough the other night for ages, so it's unnecessary and needs cut back.

Maybe things that have a process and need a small bit of patience would be good to try to build it.

My DS has done that a few times. During a particularly bad one i was driving the car and he told.
me he hated me and wanted a different mummy and a different house to live in. He hahd also thrown a drink at me whilst i was driving. Must have been about 5 at the time too. So I turned the car around outside our house after trying to reason/reassure 6 then ignore it.

He asked where we were going. I said if you want a different mummy then you can. I will drop you at nannies or aunties. You choose. He said neither. I said well it's our house or one of theirs so I know who you are with and are safe. He chose to go home. This didn't stop it happening again but the is 7 now and it's rare if this occurs now.

One of the Mum's said today that everyone told her her DD had asd and it turned out she has hearing problems & had speech problems. She's had loads of speech therapy and is now not acting that way. I feel like it's become the catch all explanation for everything.

So her child had traits that made people suspect ASD but when it was investigated turned out to be something completely different? So it isn't the explanation for everything, but flagging it up might indicate ASD and might indicate something different which also needs support, and you have nothing to lose by investigating?

It isn’t really threatening to say ‘we are going to soft play, if you are hitting, shouting, or behaving badly we will leave right away and go home.‘ I’d say it’s just giving your child half a chance! I mean how else does your husband think she’ll know the appropriate ways to behave if you’re not allowed to tell her until she’s done it? It’s so disheartening for a child to not know where the proper boundaries are and then feel they’re always getting it wrong. But if you tell them from the start it’s easier for them.

How much screen time does she have?

I am a fairly strict parent. I begin from the premise that it’s my job to teach my kids boundaries. I have a 6 year old as well (and a nearly 12 year old and a newborn). Before we go anywhere I set expectations. Even with the 12 year old sometimes. I will fess up and say we are a no/low screen family so my kids have to find ways to entertain themselves- books/audio books/games/toys.

We have very few rules but they are enforced strictly- mainly no hitting, throwing and no unkind or mean behaviour. If he hits (and he hasn’t in ages) he gets removed and loses some privilege. Even talk of hitting (he told his brother ‘I want to punch you’ once) gets dealt with swiftly. I get down low, give him a stern warning. Remove him. Make him sit somewhere boring or remove something or cancel what we were doing. I am very very low tolerance on the hitting.

I also operate from the principle that it is my job to bring up good people, to stimulate their minds, to give them experiences. But I cannot ensure that they are never inconvenienced or disappointed. That’s an important life lesson- learning to hear ‘no’. I might say ‘I am sorry you are upset’ or ‘yes that’s hard but a no is a no.’ Sometimes mid tantrum I don’t offer explanations. When they are that wound up they can’t be reasoned with. But I might have a chat later and say ‘I said no then because…’.

Kids don’t get gratitude. But they need it modelled for them. A lot. The 12 year old is almost there but the teenage years loom. 5/6 year olds are self centred. But if they say ‘that was the worst day ever’ I would just raise an eyebrow and say ‘was it then?’

Kids also say and do stuff to get a reaction and not giving them that reaction is critical. (Obviously again it’s a balancing act because I do deal firmly with him if I think he’s being unkind).

In general what ARE the consequences for your daughter? And how do you and your husband feel about imposing them? I think kids know instinctively when parents are half hearted.

Real life example: Kid I know who is violent in DS2’s class was kicking the shit out of another kid at soccer practice. Mother went: come on say sorry. Kid: I won’t. Kicks the ground. Tried to kick the kid again. Other parent removes their child. Mother: don’t do that darling. Say sorry. Kid says: I won’t but stops kicking and runs away. Crisis passes.
But there was no consequence for the kid either kicking or refusing to apologise…
And I know the parent well and she’s lovely but she feels mega guilty about saying no and enforcing boundaries because it makes him unhappy. As a consequence he lashes out a lot, and kids don’t want to play with him. I think it’s quite sad and not his fault.

That really is a lot of sugar and empty calories.
Does she drink plain water?

Fruit juice is loaded with sugar and empty calories and little nutritional value.

www.todaysparent.com/kids/think-giving-your-kids-juice-is-better-than-soda-think-again/

DISCIPLINE asap.
You are the parent.
The child is never supposed to be in charge.

She is 5 ! She is certainly old enough to know that she is being naughty.
and there has to be a consequence for her bad behaviour.

Yes too late if she didn't already KNOW that was the consequence!

I have a dd being assessed for ASD. She used to lash out in very stressful situations, can't remeber when she stopped. The 'mother' at these times. Odd, maybe she's heard the phrase somewhere. It doesn't sound natural. I hate you from my dd would just illicit the response 'well I love you'. Consequences need to be immediate for hitting, anything like that. They may not 'remember' it in a month but it goes in over time. A month or 2 of her instantly leaving any situation where she hits or instantly having favoured items removed and it will go in. Dont feel guilty, you're teaching her how to 'be' in the world.

If your dd does have asd it might take longer than the average child for behaviour to change.

@TicketBoo23 Re: the hitting. Teach her empathy. Every time she hits you or anybody else say: That hurts me/them. How would you feel if someone hit you? Expect her to answer that question. If she doesn’t answer ask her again.

Then if she answers something along the lines of: I would feel upset or I wouldn’t like it then remind her that I/other person feels like that too.

Also make it clear that it’s not ok to hurt people like that and it’s not ok for people to hurt you like that.