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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can you be a narcissist if...

59 replies

OhPeggySue · 12/01/2023 11:15

...you are sympathetic to someone else crying?

I've been upset and cried and he's just stared at me glassy eyed or rolled his eyes. Someone in his job cried (due to the behaviour of a colleague) and he was sympathetic, relayed the incident to me, thought it was awful etc.

He's loving to his kids (not whilst he was having multiple affairs though), hugs them, dotes on them genuinely etc.

He's the ceo of a global company, so he has no unrealised fantasies about power, status etc. He's never jealous or envious of anyone else re their looks, income, status etc.

He's displayed every other behaviour though...gas lighting, explosive tantrums, sulking, ignoring me, cold and uncaring, verbal and emotional abuse, never apologises, selfish etc.

I'm just confused. Can you really be a narcissist if you're capable of showing empathy to certain people?

OP posts:
Ursuala · 12/01/2023 11:16

Why do you need a label?

if the consensus is “no”, does that mean you’ll be happy to accept his behaviour?

Ursuala · 12/01/2023 11:18

Clearly he’s a nasty piece of work.

So why on earth waste time navel gazing about whether he’s the mumsnet favourite word “a narcissist”? Especially if you have children for goodness sakes

liveforsummer · 12/01/2023 11:18

Exp is loving and affectionate to dc but also sees them as possessions. Controls what they are allowed to do in 'his time' etc. DD 13 isn't allowed to do her hobby, guilts then if they want to go out and meet friends or miss a day at his as they have other plans because it's not fair - he misses them. It's a very different type of love!

Ursuala · 12/01/2023 11:20

Op you’re all over mumsnet on threads you start or posting on other threads about your “cunt” (using the word you deceptive him as on another thread) of a husband.

Nimbostratus100 · 12/01/2023 11:20

doe it matter if you feel you can use the word "narcissist" or not? he is treating you horribly. who cares if he would get what is a very rare official diagnosis, however much the word gets bandied around

Original poster
OhPeggySue · 12/01/2023 11:22

Ursuala · 12/01/2023 11:20

Op you’re all over mumsnet on threads you start or posting on other threads about your “cunt” (using the word you deceptive him as on another thread) of a husband.

I have 2 posts about it, have never called him that and he isn't my husband.

OP posts:
pawprintseverywhere · 12/01/2023 11:23

Of course. Narcs can only display their behaviour to the supply source ie YOU .... never to outsiders or a social circle it'd give the game away.

Original poster
OhPeggySue · 12/01/2023 11:23

Nimbostratus100 · 12/01/2023 11:20

doe it matter if you feel you can use the word "narcissist" or not? he is treating you horribly. who cares if he would get what is a very rare official diagnosis, however much the word gets bandied around

No official diagnosis will ever happen, you're right. No, the label doesn't matter. I'm just trying to unscramble my brain.

OP posts:
Ursuala · 12/01/2023 11:26

OhPeggySue · 12/01/2023 11:22

I have 2 posts about it, have never called him that and he isn't my husband.

Show quote history

Yes you did Op

OhPeggySue · 01/01/2023 16:03

My oh is lovely to strangers and other people. He's a cunt in private to me.

Original poster
OhPeggySue · 12/01/2023 11:26

pawprintseverywhere · 12/01/2023 11:23

Of course. Narcs can only display their behaviour to the supply source ie YOU .... never to outsiders or a social circle it'd give the game away.

He's a hero to the outside world and people would follow him off a cliff. I just thought that narcissists were unable to feel empathy, yet he genuinely displays it towards other people and his children and parents.

OP posts:
Original poster
OhPeggySue · 12/01/2023 11:27

Ursuala · 12/01/2023 11:26

Yes you did Op

OhPeggySue · 01/01/2023 16:03

My oh is lovely to strangers and other people. He's a cunt in private to me.

Show quote history

Oh, ok, fair enough, I hold my hands up but 2 posts isn't exactly all over mumsnet.

OP posts:
Usergjdksndjsn · 12/01/2023 11:28

If we say yes or we say no does it matter?
is he nice? No
is he kind and loving to you? No
Will he change? no
do you want to be with him?

liveforsummer · 12/01/2023 11:29

Ursuala · 12/01/2023 11:20

Op you’re all over mumsnet on threads you start or posting on other threads about your “cunt” (using the word you deceptive him as on another thread) of a husband.

To be fair she cunt as a description of his behaviour towards her rather than calling him a can't of a husband.

And yes OP. My ex couldn't wait to bend over backwards to help virtual strangers yet left me to fix our broken bed involving heavy lifting the day I came home from hospital after having a c section because he couldn't possibly do anything to help me. This is a pretty common trait I believe

Ursuala · 12/01/2023 11:29

I am confused Op

last week you posted It's over. It's done. I reached the end of my line. I am broken.

on your other thread you say that he is “absolutely” a “narcissist”

why are you spending so much brain space on trying to label him?

Ursuala · 12/01/2023 11:32

liveforsummer · 12/01/2023 11:29

To be fair she cunt as a description of his behaviour towards her rather than calling him a can't of a husband.

And yes OP. My ex couldn't wait to bend over backwards to help virtual strangers yet left me to fix our broken bed involving heavy lifting the day I came home from hospital after having a c section because he couldn't possibly do anything to help me. This is a pretty common trait I believe

Show quote history

he is a cunt in private to me

seems pretty clear to me what she means

dnaconundrum · 12/01/2023 11:32

Disagree with posters here. Getting the Narc label is extremely helpful. It allows you to understand the behaviour, feel validated and then find the right help. There’s a great book “surviving and thriving after narcissistic abuse” and I think I’d never have read it until my therapist informed me my ex was a narc. It changed my life.

liveforsummer · 12/01/2023 11:32

Why are posters being so unkind to a woman obviously distressed and suffering an abusive relationship. If it helps her to make sense of what's going on (and realise he's not going to change) then why not ask on a forum that is mean to offer advice and support.

liveforsummer · 12/01/2023 11:33

seems pretty clear to me what she means

Yes - that he carts like a cunt, is vile too her?! Sounds true, why are you tearing her apart for it? Nasty!

Ursuala · 12/01/2023 11:35

liveforsummer · 12/01/2023 11:33

seems pretty clear to me what she means

Yes - that he carts like a cunt, is vile too her?! Sounds true, why are you tearing her apart for it? Nasty!

Yes so I was confused with you saying to be fair she’s saying he behave like a count to her rather a cunt of a husband.

Both I’d say!!

Ursuala · 12/01/2023 11:37

i am not being unkind

I am urging her not to waste time navel gazing about a label but actually to focus on leaving what seems to be a profoundly unpleasant and abusive partner who doesn’t seem to like her let alone love her

liveforsummer · 12/01/2023 11:50

Sorry, so many typos. If someone is being a cunt to you though it's ok to say it. It can help to vent. I and a pp have already explained why it might be helpful for OP to consider the fact he's a narcissist. @dnaconundrum has worded it better. There are also other books such as why does he do that which can help make sense of his actions and feelings towards them.

Trinity65 · 12/01/2023 11:50

Oh here we Go

Mumsnet favourite word Narcissist.
Sigh

Ursuala · 12/01/2023 11:51

liveforsummer · 12/01/2023 11:50

Sorry, so many typos. If someone is being a cunt to you though it's ok to say it. It can help to vent. I and a pp have already explained why it might be helpful for OP to consider the fact he's a narcissist. @dnaconundrum has worded it better. There are also other books such as why does he do that which can help make sense of his actions and feelings towards them.

FGS

read my posts. I have NO problem with the OP calling her partner a cunt. It would seem he is

ugifletzet · 12/01/2023 11:56

I can understand the obsession with labelling. My abusive ex had a formal psychiatric diagnosis of borderline personality disorder and I spent so much time trying to work out what was "the illness" (and therefore treatable) and what was "the real him", and whether he'd still be abusive to me if he didn't have BPD, and so on and so on. Eventually I realised...it was irrelevant. It didn't matter. The only relevant thing was how awful I felt in that relationship. His reasons for being abusive didn't change anything. The best thing I ever did was go no contact and stay no contact. It's tough, but OP, you need stop analysing his behaviour and trying to categorise it and focus on getting yourself out of a situation that is obviously damaging you and leaving you unhappy.

wonderwhattodo · 12/01/2023 11:57

Narcissist has become a common term
but that doesn’t take away from the fact that narcissism exists

An important step in recovering from narcissistic abuse is working out that is what it is, and understanding what happened

I think this is what OP is going through

OP he puts on a mask to the outside world
He has learned how to outwardly display empathy, through his intelligence but doesn’t really feel it deep down and this is what emerges at home, with you