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Original poster

Can you be a narcissist if...

59 replies

OhPeggySue · 12/01/2023 11:15

...you are sympathetic to someone else crying?

I've been upset and cried and he's just stared at me glassy eyed or rolled his eyes. Someone in his job cried (due to the behaviour of a colleague) and he was sympathetic, relayed the incident to me, thought it was awful etc.

He's loving to his kids (not whilst he was having multiple affairs though), hugs them, dotes on them genuinely etc.

He's the ceo of a global company, so he has no unrealised fantasies about power, status etc. He's never jealous or envious of anyone else re their looks, income, status etc.

He's displayed every other behaviour though...gas lighting, explosive tantrums, sulking, ignoring me, cold and uncaring, verbal and emotional abuse, never apologises, selfish etc.

I'm just confused. Can you really be a narcissist if you're capable of showing empathy to certain people?

OP posts:
Original poster
OhPeggySue · 12/01/2023 12:05

ugifletzet · 12/01/2023 11:56

I can understand the obsession with labelling. My abusive ex had a formal psychiatric diagnosis of borderline personality disorder and I spent so much time trying to work out what was "the illness" (and therefore treatable) and what was "the real him", and whether he'd still be abusive to me if he didn't have BPD, and so on and so on. Eventually I realised...it was irrelevant. It didn't matter. The only relevant thing was how awful I felt in that relationship. His reasons for being abusive didn't change anything. The best thing I ever did was go no contact and stay no contact. It's tough, but OP, you need stop analysing his behaviour and trying to categorise it and focus on getting yourself out of a situation that is obviously damaging you and leaving you unhappy.

I'm out of it but only by a week or so and my head is just spinning. I feel utterly traumatised by what's happened and am trying to pick up the pieces.

OP posts:
Minimalme · 12/01/2023 12:13

Narcissists love pretending they are sympathetic to gain admiration.

When he told you about his colleague crying, he was basically tell by you that he is superior that the person who made her cry because he is a better person.

ButterflyOil · 12/01/2023 12:19

I think you’re thinking of psychopaths vs narcissists. Interestingly, psychopaths seem to have the ability to ‘switch on’ empathy at will - www.bbc.com/news/science-environment-23431793.amp

They are also over represented among people like CEOs.

So if you’re looking at that angle, he may well have the ability to emphasise with people when he wants to (i.e when it suits his interests)

unsync · 12/01/2023 12:19

If you have now left him, you need to start focusing on you and your children. What he is or isn't no longer has any relevance. You know the truth of how he treated you. You need time to recover and move forward. If you want to understand what happened, contact Women's Aid and do th Freedom Programme. That will help you more than a bunch of us (albeit well intentioned) randoms on MN.

Gem123J · 12/01/2023 12:28

Yes it is possible to be a narcissist if they can show sympathy to another person. It’s another person. It’s this persona they show to others but not to those who are close to them, like a spouse or child etc.

My Mum is the kindest person to those around me. For example, my Bridesmaid was unable to come to my hen night for financial reasons so my Mum said to her she would give her £150 so she could come, shame if she missed out, and for me to tell her it’s the money she would put towards the hen night anyway. Bridesmaid still didn’t come because of another reason, not financial, my Mum still gave her £50 and an expensive ring (which was part of a set that I had the rest of, the earrings). And my Mum didn’t put any money towards my hen night in the end either! Not that I would have expected it, but I kind of was after her saying she would have put it towards it!

I have many, many more examples but the main thing is it’s how they portray themselves to others and then are the total opposite to us.

Mirroredlove · 12/01/2023 12:29

Yes you can, because it’s not real sympathy, some people just get good at how they are SUPPOSED to act during certain situations, doesn’t mean it is genuine

Original poster
OhPeggySue · 12/01/2023 12:35

It seems genuine. Constantly worried about his children, showing genuine interest in their lives, hugging them etc. Concerned about colleagues welfare. Paying for people to have medical procedures privately. He's truly not doing it to be bountiful or come across as the good guy. It's not done publicly. It's just such a mind bending experience when he then gets behind closed doors with me and its like Jekle and Hyde.

OP posts:
liveforsummer · 12/01/2023 12:37

Are these shared dc OP?

supercali77 · 12/01/2023 12:37

People with these kinds of characteristics, whether you label them or not, are often profoundly different behind closed doors in intimate relationships than they are publically. They're aware of the look of the thing, they know how they are supposed to respond socially, appearances are everything. Something I heard once which gave me a bitter laugh was a description of an abusive husband who was also the head of some kind of church, so there was confusion about how that could be the case. A respected experts opinion on it was 'they so often are the head of a charity or church id almost consider that a red flag in itself'.

Original poster
OhPeggySue · 12/01/2023 12:39

No it doesn't matter what the label is really. He's nasty and abusive ultimately but he's done such a number on me that I'm struggling to process the whole thing.

Lovely at times too but christ only knows why I feel the need to defend him. I guess I still love him really.

OP posts:
Mirroredlove · 12/01/2023 12:39

Well yes, because if he did it publicly people wouldn’t like him, it’s behind closed doors so only you know, so you’re being isolated. It’s abuse.

That how people get away with things isn’t it-…..Oh no not Tommy, his one of the nicest guys you could ever meet!

Stop trying to figure it out!! You don’t think like this person and it doesn’t matter anyway, concentrate on yourself and what you think and feel, stop trying to justify why this happened and accept it and move on, love is not a good enough reason to live a shit life!!

Original poster
OhPeggySue · 12/01/2023 12:40

liveforsummer · 12/01/2023 12:37

Are these shared dc OP?

No.

OP posts:
supercali77 · 12/01/2023 12:40

My ex is the father of my dd. He is at great pains over her welfare. Equally he was abusive and controlling to me and to his elderly mother. You have to understand, some people are like prized possessions (their children for example) others are like convenient tools for their own comfort and advancement

saltofcelery · 12/01/2023 12:40

Not sure why you care if he's a narcissist or not when he's clearly just an abusive knobhead?

Original poster
OhPeggySue · 12/01/2023 12:42

Thank you for your kind and supportive words. They matter. It makes a difference. Thank you.

OP posts:
DivorcingEU · 12/01/2023 12:42

OhPeggySue · 12/01/2023 12:35

It seems genuine. Constantly worried about his children, showing genuine interest in their lives, hugging them etc. Concerned about colleagues welfare. Paying for people to have medical procedures privately. He's truly not doing it to be bountiful or come across as the good guy. It's not done publicly. It's just such a mind bending experience when he then gets behind closed doors with me and its like Jekle and Hyde.

I know what you mean. Mine (not yet ex...) is SO kind to friends and family outside our house. If I'm in pain it means nothing. If I'm crying it means nothing - other than being irritating. He's similar with the kids too, but almost never in public.

You will drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out. I'm glad you're out of the situation. The more you try and figure it out, the more he's actually still in your life - he's controlling your thinking.

Bottom line is this: you're probably a normal person. You have some good points, some bad, but you're not a manipulative gaslighter. As such you cannot get into the Ming of a person who is because their moral compass is so skewed your brain cannot do the infinite line of contortions to actually think like him and then be able to figure him out.

See it as a really good sign that his behaviour is not something you can make sense of.

DivorcingEU · 12/01/2023 12:44

*mind, not Ming!

And probably should have put a couple of full stops in that paragraph! 😅

liveforsummer · 12/01/2023 12:47

I wonder if their mum thinks he's as amazing and caring as you do? I know my ex's current partner thinks he's an amazing dad, partly because he can act it (ie is affectionate) and partly because he tells her he is and he's a very convincing liar. On top of that he really does care - just in a very different way to you and I. It also depends on the compliance of the dc. I can see the cracks now dd is a teenager and sometimes challenging him.

wonderwhattodo · 12/01/2023 12:56

When a narc lovebombs at the start it generates a high
When they are mean, there’s a drive to do anything anything to recapture that high

This is the trauma bond - it feels like love but it isn’t

Narcissists have paradoxically a lot of shame and low self esteem
To cope they require narcissistic supply from others
Kids, being nice to others etc are all forms of narcissistic supply

Original poster
OhPeggySue · 12/01/2023 13:04

liveforsummer · 12/01/2023 12:47

I wonder if their mum thinks he's as amazing and caring as you do? I know my ex's current partner thinks he's an amazing dad, partly because he can act it (ie is affectionate) and partly because he tells her he is and he's a very convincing liar. On top of that he really does care - just in a very different way to you and I. It also depends on the compliance of the dc. I can see the cracks now dd is a teenager and sometimes challenging him.

Their mum/his ex loathes him. Very nasty divorce due to his treatment of her and cheating. Gloves came off in a very acrimonious divorce and ruinous settlement. Very difficult on-going relationship with his daughter ever since. His boys think he's wonderful, although the eldest has the measure of him too.

OP posts:
Ursuala · 12/01/2023 13:08

OhPeggySue · 12/01/2023 13:04

Their mum/his ex loathes him. Very nasty divorce due to his treatment of her and cheating. Gloves came off in a very acrimonious divorce and ruinous settlement. Very difficult on-going relationship with his daughter ever since. His boys think he's wonderful, although the eldest has the measure of him too.

Show quote history

What drew you to him? Was the affair with you? Any trust issues? You have been with him almost two decades, this sounds like a hellish existence, why subject yourself to another two decades?

greenspaces4peace · 12/01/2023 13:18

But everyone has narcissistic traits absolutely everyone. He may have more.
Again like others have said, it doesn’t matter, you and him are simply a poor match at this point.

Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday · 12/01/2023 13:25

Are you financially secure OP?

you aren’t married, they aren’t your DC - why are you allowing yourself to be treated this way?

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 12/01/2023 13:28

Well it sounds like he has very different public and private personas. He isn't the only one. It's weird and chilling to people like me who are an open book.

Whatever that is, it's no fun to live with given that you're on the private side, which is the ugly side, and your refusal to do that is fair and valid.

liveforsummer · 12/01/2023 13:33

Their mum/his ex loathes him. Very nasty divorce due to his treatment of her and cheating. Gloves came off in a very acrimonious divorce and ruinous settlement. Very difficult on-going relationship with his daughter ever since. His boys think he's wonderful, although the eldest has the measure of him too.

Sounds about right. His daughter maybe questioned him. The eldest is now realising. Its really helpful for me to have realised how it all happened and that it wasn't a reflection of me, and certainly I know I will never get involved with such a man again. Red flag radar is very high now. You'll heal OP but it will take time