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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH female work colleague - am I overthinking?

75 replies

Thedramalama · 11/01/2023 15:12

Firstly I should start by saying I am not usually the jealous type. I have no issue with male/female friendships etc. I’ve been with DH for 18 years and we’re in our 30s, we have a great relationship and he is a wonderful dad… but something is niggling me about one of his female work colleagues.

DH works in a largely male dominated manufacturing industry and always talks to me about work. I get the usual stories about colleagues who are usually (but not always) male.

However he has recently been mentioning a new name (let’s call her Jemma) quite a bit who is junior to him. I have noticed when he mentions her he smiles/ fluffs his words a little bit and has that glassy eyed look people get when recalling something fondly.

Obviously (like a lunatic) hearing her name so often I decided to look on Facebook to see who she was. She is ten years younger than me and utterly gorgeous.

He mentioned last night that she had been in his office (with another male colleague) over lunch and was asking him why we were having expensive work done at the house (to which his male colleague jokingly quipped ‘you obviously don’t know his wife’) - DH then trailed off and stopped telling the story which I found a bit odd - I was in the middle of cooking dinner and was tired so didn’t really press any further. I did go a bit quiet on him though for the rest of the night and he was almost OTT affectionate towards me as a result.

Now I’m writing this, it really seems like I’m probably being very silly! It feels like this could just be me feeling insecure. Its just it is still niggling me. Am I just overthinking this?

OP posts:
gretti · 11/01/2023 15:20

I don't think looking at her social media has helped here, that's absolutely made it worse. If she were 10 years older than you and looked like pat butcher then it would of put your mind at rest and you wouldn't of started this thread.

I'd keep a close eye, there's many things to watch for at the start of a 'possible' affair but try not let it take over your life. Your gut feeling is telling you something is a bit off so listen to it but try not let it win.

It could be he has a crush on her, we all have crushes even when married but it doesn't mean it will go anywhere.

What's he like with his phone? That's usually a tell tale sign. Is he open with it?

lisalash · 11/01/2023 15:25

A similar scenario happened with me and my husband a few years ago. He'd been texting a female work colleague as friends a few years ago and I found out.

He swears to this day that they were just friends, she had kids and a partner too.

This totally took over my life for about 2 years. I used to constantly check her social media and it was very unhealthy.

I don't really have any advice but I couldn't just read and run and wanted you to know that you are not alone.

Thedramalama · 11/01/2023 15:34

Thank you @Grettiyou’re right 😂 if she looked like Pat Butcher I wouldn’t give it another thought! He always keeps his phone close to him but I’ll watch his behaviour more closely.

@lisalash I’m so sorry to hear that, this is how I’m feeling now. I’ve been thinking about her all day and it’s really drained me!

OP posts:
lisalash · 11/01/2023 15:44

@Thedramalama I'd try and nip it in the bud now if you can? I'm not sure how though? Can you speak to your husband about her?

I just don't want it to consume you, like it did me. I think I became obsessed with her looking back.

A few months after this covid hit and my husband starting WFH. After a year and a half we decided to have another baby. If covid hadn't have come I'm not sure what would have happened to our marriage.

SmileWithADimple · 11/01/2023 15:45

It may be true that he thinks she is pretty. I've had male colleagues I have been attracted to but I would never, ever do anything about it. I think you have to trust him OP (unless you have reason to believe that there's more to it).

Isthisexpected · 11/01/2023 15:51

Well if you have ever read Shirley Glass or Esther Perel most affairs start with good people not monsters, developing a friendship at work, then slowly transgressing into more and more talking about interests, values and sharing of oneself. Once a connection is built then it's all about opportunity and a sense of entitlement or being deserving. So I would be wary here personally if he's already got a glow/crush!

merlotlover · 11/01/2023 15:55

Jokingly rib him and say ooh Jemma sounds like someone has a crush make it very innocent jibe
See what his reply is. My fella works with some young pretty girls and I'd be dishonest to say the thought hadn't crossed my mind however fleeting. It might be absolutely nothing to worry about

Aikko · 11/01/2023 15:57

He almost certainly has a crush on this female colleague - with all the mentionitis.

It's when he stops talking about her you should perhaps be more alert.

pinneddownbytabbies · 11/01/2023 15:57

Seems to me that the work colleague has done you a favour by quite deliberately mentioning to her that your DH actually has a wife.

It also seems to me that your DH may have had his head turned ever so slightly. Happened to my DH once, I noticed the mentionitis and gave him a monumental bollocking. His face was a picture, and he came to his senses.

wisbech · 11/01/2023 16:04

Might be a 'work wife' - I had two, colleagues/ allies/ friends at work who just happened to be female.

trucklebrunch · 11/01/2023 16:08

Mentionitus: giving away the factt one has a crushh by frequently mentioning the crushh_ object in an "innocent" context.

Trust your sixth sense OP.

BrownDaisy · 11/01/2023 16:09

Is it ok to be Pat Butcher-ist?
Seems a bit unfair on the actress that played her.

Thedramalama · 11/01/2023 16:20

@pinneddownbytabbies i think you’re right I hadn’t thought of that! I now wonder if he mentioned me as the conversation was getting flirtatious

I agree I should nip it in the bud. I’m just worried if I do mention it is bothering me he might hide it

OP posts:
Thedramalama · 11/01/2023 16:21

@BrownDaisy 😂agreed!

OP posts:
CornishCathy · 11/01/2023 16:21

PP's have mentioned "mentionitis", and it's definitely something to watch.

What you might need to be careful about is when you mention it to him. Chances are there will be no future mentions and you'll still not know what you're dealing with. I'd just keep an eye and if your gut is telling you something, you're probably right.

I'm in a similar situation, I did mention it and they were never mentioned again, until yesterday and I'm still not comfortable. I'm mulling over what to do.

Aikko · 11/01/2023 16:31

The OTT affection with you could also be him trying to release some additional sexual frustration built up through the day.

Thedramalama · 11/01/2023 17:01

I’m so sorry to hear that @CornishCathy I hope you can get to the bottom of yours too

I completely agree too around the fact that if I mention to him it bothered me, it might cause him to hide his feelings which I don’t want. I am going to carefully watch him (whilst trying not to obsess)

Im so grateful for all the replies, it feels better to talk about it.

OP posts:
Thedramalama · 11/01/2023 17:04

@wisbech that’s interesting - were they attractive and did your partner/spouse know about them?

OP posts:
TedMullins · 11/01/2023 17:14

I might be in a minority here but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with finding other people attractive or flirting when you’re married or in a relationship. It’s human nature. Yes, I’ve had attractive work colleagues that I like to flirt with and yes my partner knows. But we’re very relaxed about that kind of thing. As long as there’s no deception or lies I think it’s harmless. Other attractive people exist in the world

Maze76 · 11/01/2023 17:36

Trust your gut- my ex husband did the same with his female colleague. Mentioned her, discussed her family and silly me just thought it was all innocent. How wrong was I.. we’re now divorced and they are buying a house together!

lisalash · 11/01/2023 17:36

@Thedramalama I wish I had found this app when I had my struggle end of 2019 🥲

Please let us know how it goes if you can.

QueefQueen80s · 11/01/2023 17:47

TedMullins · 11/01/2023 17:14

I might be in a minority here but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with finding other people attractive or flirting when you’re married or in a relationship. It’s human nature. Yes, I’ve had attractive work colleagues that I like to flirt with and yes my partner knows. But we’re very relaxed about that kind of thing. As long as there’s no deception or lies I think it’s harmless. Other attractive people exist in the world

Are you a man?

Crazypaving22 · 11/01/2023 17:58

This conversation alone would make me question. It does sound odd. And then it sounds as though he realised the rest of the conversation would have rung alarm bells so he pulled it.

I think you need to monitor this, I know that other posters think it could be her appearance BUT you went looking for a reason and the sm pictures backed up your fear that she could potentially be a threat to your marriage.

Sorry but been there got the t'shirt.

Watch closely.

Happygone · 11/01/2023 18:00

I would ask him

Homedeco · 11/01/2023 18:06

I hate when people assume that young, pretty women are out to have an affair with their middle aged, married colleague.

How do you know she isn’t interested exclusively in men her own age? There’s definitely a generational difference here.

How do you know she doesn’t find your partner attractive? Just because he may have a crush, it doesn’t mean she reciprocates it.