DH female work colleague - am I overthinking?

[Thedramalama]

Firstly I should start by saying I am not usually the jealous type. I have no issue with male/female friendships etc. I’ve been with DH for 18 years and we’re in our 30s, we have a great relationship and he is a wonderful dad… but something is niggling me about one of his female work colleagues.

DH works in a largely male dominated manufacturing industry and always talks to me about work. I get the usual stories about colleagues who are usually (but not always) male.

However he has recently been mentioning a new name (let’s call her Jemma) quite a bit who is junior to him. I have noticed when he mentions her he smiles/ fluffs his words a little bit and has that glassy eyed look people get when recalling something fondly.

Obviously (like a lunatic) hearing her name so often I decided to look on Facebook to see who she was. She is ten years younger than me and utterly gorgeous.

He mentioned last night that she had been in his office (with another male colleague) over lunch and was asking him why we were having expensive work done at the house (to which his male colleague jokingly quipped ‘you obviously don’t know his wife’) - DH then trailed off and stopped telling the story which I found a bit odd - I was in the middle of cooking dinner and was tired so didn’t really press any further. I did go a bit quiet on him though for the rest of the night and he was almost OTT affectionate towards me as a result.

Now I’m writing this, it really seems like I’m probably being very silly! It feels like this could just be me feeling insecure. Its just it is still niggling me. Am I just overthinking this?

OP try and not get all obsessed with Jemma.

It's your husband who made the marriage vows to you no one else.

He should be able to work with anyone, go anywhere, be fancied by whomever, and still remain faithful to you.

Jemma might be flirty because that is whom she naturally is, or is because she is a female in a male dominated world. She is possibly flirting around all her colleagues.

If the moment a young female walks into his workplace, or the fact that he usually only works with males are the only reasons your marriage remains in tact it's not much of a marriage is it?

Your issue is with him, not with her. Even if, and it's a big IF, he does stray, your issue is still with him. You can't control the gender and attractiveness of his colleagues, and as you both get older junior colleagues will continue to be younger.

She's pretty so what? There might be a bit of flirt so what. Your husband might have a sweeping crush so what. My husband works in a male dominated environment but some females do work with him. They are brilliant, gorgeous, but he works with them. He likes working with them. He also "wouldn't fuck up his whole life" for a fumble behind the bike sheds. Do you think, honestly, your H would fuck up his marriage and his job for a fumble behind the bike sheds?

Where has the OP said that Jemma is flirting?

Is a gorgeous woman of 10 years younger likely to be interested in your husband though? Just a different angle to consider.

@frozendaisy It's the OP that's overthinking about Jemma because her DP talks about her. I bet Jemma doesn't talk or even notice him other than work stuff. the DH probably finds Jemma a pleasure to work with. End of.

Everyone saying it's unlikely to happen cos of age and how she's better looking. An example there's two in my work he is much older and the younger girl is much better looking. Both married but the whole office sees the chemistry between them and people comment that there's something going on between them but no actual proof. It does happen as people form connections and build relationships.

Drama, your H’s frequent mentionitis featuring glassy eyes and stumbling words does suggest infatuation. His new colleague Jemma is in his head and that is spilling out at home. His crush will be very evident at work.

It’s telling that he halted his recent story in mid-stream and decided not to go there. Whatever the reason his male colleague inserted you into the chat — to neg you or to mention (albeit clumsily) your existence out of loyalty to you — H should have had your back and countered his insinuation.

Have you and H ever discussed the protection of fidelity in your marriage? While it’s natural to find others attractive and be flattered by attention, monogamy requires strong boundaries in the face of the temptation of illicit ego validation. Even if this is a one-sided crush, H’s actions are causing you to feel unsettled and are sabotaging the stability of your marriage.

Drama, in your shoes, I would tackle this now.

OPs DH is only in his 30's, so it's not completely outside the realms of possibility that his crush might also be reciprocated by her, but as other posters have said - it is the DHs responsibility to act appropriately, not let his thoughts consume him and end up doing something he may regret. He is the one who has made vows to OP.

As someone in their early 20s, a man in their 30s may as well be my dad. There is a definite age gap and it’s vile to assume young women would be interested simply due to the man‘a money or perceived seniority. It’s 2023. Women in their 20s find men in their 20s more attractive, and have other dating options than someone’s husband.

I agree with those flagging the the trailed off convo ….. what did DH reply to his colleague’s quip? Or Jemma? Who replied and what they said may be why he trailed off.

That’s you though, you can’t speak on behalf of all women in their 20’s. Many of whom, myself included, are attracted to older men. And power is the ultimate turn on for a lot of women. Look at all those ugly, middle aged politicians etc who have young gorgeous wives.

I think it's perfectly healthy to feel insecure if your husband is banging on like a besotted teenager about another woman. And plenty of 20 somethings fancy men ten years older!

@Homedeco I'm a similar age and that's not the case for me at all. I would never go out with a married man but I definitely have been attracted to single men in their 30s and I doubt that's that unusual.

My DH had a partner at work who I didn't meet for nearly a year. He loved working with her and they got on brilliantly. I didnt think much of it as I have lots of male friends. Then one day I met her unexpectedly as they drove here to pick something up. She was fecking gorgeous and it definitely through me. I am 100% sure nothing happened but it through me for ages. If she looked as middle aged and frumpy as me I wouldn't have cared at all 😂

Ewwwww.

Mine got mentionitis with a female colleague which turned into an affair. I was thrilled though as he was an abusive cunt and i'd been wanting to leave but couldn't find a way to do it safely.

"LordSugarTits
"Realistically can you imagine a gorgeous woman in her 20s being interested in him? It happens, but its pretty rare"

Eh? It's ridiculously common

OPs DH is only in his 30's, so it's not completely outside the realms of possibility that his crush might also be reciprocated by her, but as other posters have said - it is the DHs responsibility to act appropriately, not let his thoughts consume him and end up doing something he may regret. He is the one who has made vows to OP."

And? What's your point? Of course he's the one responsible for his own marriage vows. That's got fuck all to do with my post though. Why wouldn't a woman in her 20s fancy a man in his 30s? It's ridiculously common, as I said

A lot of very naive people on this thread! Young 20-something women in the workplace have always been attracted to the silver fox in a senior position. The "power" and the money is as big an aphrodisiac as looks. 2023 or not, you can't deny thousands of years of human evolution!

Sounds like just has a crush, but hopefully it will stay at that. I've learnt you can't police who people find attractive or have crushes on, but I would expect my DP to know his boundaries and certainly not be telling me all about her. If he brings her up again in that silly way, I'd say something jokily like, "She sounds lovely and you sound like you may have a wee crush there." He'll deny it but at least will be aware that you have noticed.

Nothing else you can do and definitely don't spend all your time monitoring his behaviour. You'll find something dodgy if you want to. Best to just carry on with your life, trusting that even if he has a crush he'll never act on it and most importantly believe you're a goddess yourself and he knows that.

I've been the young, pretty thing in a male dominated industry and sometimes I'm aware married colleagues have crushes. I am very good at maintaining distance, talking about my own bf often and always asking about their wives and kids. For all you know, she's exactly the same. And most of the blokes in the office have a crush on her because she's like a breath of fresh air in a male environment. If she's like me, she'll be used to it and value her career and reputation too much to dabble in a work affair. I have to work extra hard to be taken as seriously as the men in a hard, male dominated industry and the last thing I'd want is to be gossip fodder for them and tank my career!

@Thedramalama I’ve been your husband, pretty much to a tee.
A friend collared me and told me that at best I was going to make an epic tit of myself, at worst I was going to drive my family life into a tree at high speed.

If my wife had said the same to me (possibly using different words) I would not have had a problem with it, but we are very close and open and always have been. So why was I interested in this other woman? Dunno, biology I guess.

And really, the people who are, ooh! so astonished at the suggestion that this could ever happen and that you are a paranoid fantasist are away with the fairies. Happens all the time, with considerably bigger age differences too.

I'm in my 20s and am not interested in staying from my OH and child, but why would age put anyone off? Especially 'only' ten years. Not all men post 35 are rough/gremlins either, so not necessarily reassuring for a worried wife to hear.

What magical event happens between 20s and 30s to make all men unattractive 😂

Anyway, I hope it's not the case for you,
OP, I'd be really annoyed by this

I have been in your situation it escalated and he should of shut it down. It wasn’t a work colleague though. I would ask him outright for more details and tell him how you feel. Mentioning his reactions. Just watch him carefully he may realise his head has been turned. But knows he has more at home. Hopefully.

I don't think its her that's the issue.

I think its more the fact you are in your 30's and been together 18 years.

You have never known life as an adult without each other. He would probably get giddy if a nice looking girl said hello to him on the bus, but realistically a guy with little experience away from you is never going to have the bottle to do anything about so just let it pass (as he hasn't actually done anything).

Hardly naive given I speak from the benefit of experience, both of knowing countless attractive women of this age over many years, not to mention having been one myself.
I never said never. I said it's a lot rarer than women who think their husband is so irresistible his attraction to a woman is going to meet with her agreement to an affair seem to think.
A young gorgeous woman is going to have far better offers than someone else's husband from work, as few of us deliberately enter into relationships where we have to share a man with his wife.
Where women do, bluntly, the man is usually bringing a lot more to the table than the average Nigel from accounts with a crush.
If your husband has a crush on another woman it's his mooning over her when he should be focused on his wife and family, with the risk of him behaving in an inappropriate way to a collesgue, that's far more likely to be a threat to the marriage than the woman herself.

@Thedramalama

How's it going? Have you manage to speak to your husband?

Has he mentioned Jemma again?