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Original poster

DH female work colleague - am I overthinking?

75 replies

Thedramalama · 11/01/2023 15:12

Firstly I should start by saying I am not usually the jealous type. I have no issue with male/female friendships etc. I’ve been with DH for 18 years and we’re in our 30s, we have a great relationship and he is a wonderful dad… but something is niggling me about one of his female work colleagues.

DH works in a largely male dominated manufacturing industry and always talks to me about work. I get the usual stories about colleagues who are usually (but not always) male.

However he has recently been mentioning a new name (let’s call her Jemma) quite a bit who is junior to him. I have noticed when he mentions her he smiles/ fluffs his words a little bit and has that glassy eyed look people get when recalling something fondly.

Obviously (like a lunatic) hearing her name so often I decided to look on Facebook to see who she was. She is ten years younger than me and utterly gorgeous.

He mentioned last night that she had been in his office (with another male colleague) over lunch and was asking him why we were having expensive work done at the house (to which his male colleague jokingly quipped ‘you obviously don’t know his wife’) - DH then trailed off and stopped telling the story which I found a bit odd - I was in the middle of cooking dinner and was tired so didn’t really press any further. I did go a bit quiet on him though for the rest of the night and he was almost OTT affectionate towards me as a result.

Now I’m writing this, it really seems like I’m probably being very silly! It feels like this could just be me feeling insecure. Its just it is still niggling me. Am I just overthinking this?

OP posts:
Northby · 11/01/2023 18:13

It’s true not everyone is out to have affairs with married colleagues!

My DH and I are aware that we will both find other people attractive, it’s just human nature. However we are committed to each other. The key is to talk about it in a supportive way. If I were worried I would approach my DH and just say look I get the impression you have a crush on your coworker and that’s fine as it’s just human nature and the rational part of me knows you love me and completely trusts you to be faithful to me, but the emotional part of me feels a bit worried and perhaps a bit sad or jealous! I want to approach this as a team so I would really appreciate if we talked about this and you could let me know where you are/how you’re feeling and perhaps comfort my emotional side who feels a little bruised (and maybe even a little silly!).

venusandmars · 11/01/2023 18:14

When my dh was in a similar situation I approached it semi-directly, but related it to the staff he was managing (they were about to go on 3 week major event tour). I told him, that as manager he had responsibility to look out for inappropriate relationships developing. I spoke about the twin factors of proximity and propinquity (which are basically people working closely together and having the opportunity...) and how it could potentially lead to accusations of abuse/bullying.

Even as I said it (in the context of him looking out for his staff) I could see him reeling with some internal shock. I don't think he had crossed any lines but he was maybe close.

venusandmars · 11/01/2023 18:21

And as Northby posted sometimes it is best to actually talk about the 'mentionitis' and ask directly about the person. Bringing it into full conversation can sometimes make the exciting feelings of a 'secret' passion disappear instantly.

As can some graphic discussion. My friend's dh clearly had a crush on another friend. After a girls night out my friend went home and graphically described the 'crush friend' spewing and vomiting in the street. Worked a treat!

Original poster
Thedramalama · 11/01/2023 18:23

Thank you all this is really good advice. I will keep you updated with developments!

OP posts:
5128gap · 11/01/2023 18:34

Well he's certainly behaving like he has a crush on her with the blushing and stammering. Which is unfortunate as if he can't hide that from his wife, no doubt its obvious to his colleagues, which is embarrassing for him. Personally I'd be pointing that out. He can't help how he feels, but he doesn't have to make a fool of himself.
Him fancying her is a far cry from an affair though. Realistically can you imagine a gorgeous woman in her 20s being interested in him? It happens, but its pretty rare. You know what he looks like, what he might have to offer status/money etc (if she were motivated by that, which most beautiful young women arent, despite the stereotype) is it likely?
As for the comment about the work on the house, I'd not be happy about that. It comes across that the other colleague was trying to portray you as being pushy/domineering. Your H should have said you both wanted the work done.

arcencielpoisson · 11/01/2023 18:43

5128gap · 11/01/2023 18:34

Well he's certainly behaving like he has a crush on her with the blushing and stammering. Which is unfortunate as if he can't hide that from his wife, no doubt its obvious to his colleagues, which is embarrassing for him. Personally I'd be pointing that out. He can't help how he feels, but he doesn't have to make a fool of himself.
Him fancying her is a far cry from an affair though. Realistically can you imagine a gorgeous woman in her 20s being interested in him? It happens, but its pretty rare. You know what he looks like, what he might have to offer status/money etc (if she were motivated by that, which most beautiful young women arent, despite the stereotype) is it likely?
As for the comment about the work on the house, I'd not be happy about that. It comes across that the other colleague was trying to portray you as being pushy/domineering. Your H should have said you both wanted the work done.

This. But I wouldn't say anything.

gannett · 11/01/2023 18:44

Crazypaving22 · 11/01/2023 17:58

This conversation alone would make me question. It does sound odd. And then it sounds as though he realised the rest of the conversation would have rung alarm bells so he pulled it.

I think you need to monitor this, I know that other posters think it could be her appearance BUT you went looking for a reason and the sm pictures backed up your fear that she could potentially be a threat to your marriage.

Sorry but been there got the t'shirt.

Watch closely.

"Monitor"? "Threat"? That's very dramatic language to use about a woman who's done nothing out of the ordinary (except have the temerity to be good-looking).

OP's husband probably fancies her a bit, hence the mentioning and the stuttering. Unclear how much of a fool he looks if it's making that obvious but ultimately everyone is going to find other people as well as their partner attractive if they have eyes - the question is whether they have the morals not to act on it.

But there's absolutely nothing to suggest that this poor woman would be remotely interested in OP's husband so let's not jump to the territorial misogyny.

Crazypaving22 · 11/01/2023 18:55

@gannett

Look I've been in this position.

You probably have not.

Experience (and the experience of many others) tells me that monitoring his behaviour will give you more information than talking to him which of course should happen but can make it worse.

As for threat. Badly worded. My point was more around the fact OP sensed this woman could be a potential attraction for her partner through mentionitis and then the images confirmed that for her. Not the other way around.

I also don't consider a man in his 30's to be 'middle aged' and therefore disgusting to a woman in her twenties. So it's entirely possible the attraction is going both ways.

Anon778833 · 11/01/2023 19:17

Crazypaving22 · 11/01/2023 18:55

@gannett

Look I've been in this position.

You probably have not.

Experience (and the experience of many others) tells me that monitoring his behaviour will give you more information than talking to him which of course should happen but can make it worse.

As for threat. Badly worded. My point was more around the fact OP sensed this woman could be a potential attraction for her partner through mentionitis and then the images confirmed that for her. Not the other way around.

I also don't consider a man in his 30's to be 'middle aged' and therefore disgusting to a woman in her twenties. So it's entirely possible the attraction is going both ways.

I agree. Ten years is not even a big age gap. If he earns a lot and is good looking, I would definitely monitor things.

Fairyliz · 11/01/2023 19:29

Sounds like other people in the office have noticed a spark between them that’s why male colleague has mentioned you. Sounds like he is trying to tone down flirting because it’s becoming embarrassing.
Ive been like the colleague where you can see something happening before your eyes and it’s really awkward.

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 11/01/2023 20:41

So now we cant talk about work colleagues to our spouses if the colleague is the opposite sex? He trips over a few words and you go straight to something untoward.

This poor woman has no idea that you are suggesting she has a motive to seduce your husband. How are women meant to progress in society when other women constantly view each other as a "threat"

My "work husband" is male, I tell him I love him. He tells me he loves me. Its platonic, we are both happily married. We hug, we go out for lunch and dinners when he comes into town. Thankfully our spouses arent as ridiculously quick to think the worst of us as half the MNetters seem to be on here with their spouses.

TedMullins · 11/01/2023 20:46

QueefQueen80s · 11/01/2023 17:47

Are you a man?

Show quote history

No, I’m not a man 🙄

TrishM80 · 11/01/2023 23:43

5128gap · 11/01/2023 18:34

Well he's certainly behaving like he has a crush on her with the blushing and stammering. Which is unfortunate as if he can't hide that from his wife, no doubt its obvious to his colleagues, which is embarrassing for him. Personally I'd be pointing that out. He can't help how he feels, but he doesn't have to make a fool of himself.
Him fancying her is a far cry from an affair though. Realistically can you imagine a gorgeous woman in her 20s being interested in him? It happens, but its pretty rare. You know what he looks like, what he might have to offer status/money etc (if she were motivated by that, which most beautiful young women arent, despite the stereotype) is it likely?
As for the comment about the work on the house, I'd not be happy about that. It comes across that the other colleague was trying to portray you as being pushy/domineering. Your H should have said you both wanted the work done.

If you think a woman in her 20s would not be attracted to a male colleague in his 30s in a position of seniority to her in work, then you're being very naive. Happens all the time.

Bababluesheep2 · 11/01/2023 23:53

Well he probably has a bit of a crush on her and doesn’t normally get the chance to be around attractive women in his male dominated job so it’ll all be new and exciting!

If he was my husband I’d tell him that I’m not happy about him going on about a younger attractive woman at work and if he’s got any ideas about her he better get over them or he’ll regret it. I think the direct approach is always best not sure why you’d tip toe around this?

Bababluesheep2 · 11/01/2023 23:55

Oh and yes i can absolutely imagine a young gorgeous woman in her 20s being attracted to an older more senior man at work!

Thestagshead · 11/01/2023 23:59

I’m not sure the phrase is over thinking, you’re jealous and insecure. As he works with a woman you perceive as attractive and think he likes her. Which probably he does, but it doesn’t mean he will cheat.

more critically it doesn’t mean she would deem to touch your husband with a barge pole. If she’s younger and gorgeous. It’s quite likely she wouldn’t.

put simply just as you think he’s all that, doesn’t remotely mean she does.

and quite frankly most women, even the attractive ones are professional enough not to fuck their older male colleagues.

Thestagshead · 12/01/2023 00:02

Bababluesheep2 · 11/01/2023 23:55

Oh and yes i can absolutely imagine a young gorgeous woman in her 20s being attracted to an older more senior man at work!

I hate this level of misogyny, it’s horrific that it still exists in this day and age. We strive for equality and still; still people exist who think women in the workplace are easy pickings for older more senior men.

it is sickening.

SardineStitches · 12/01/2023 01:53

I hate when people assume that young, pretty women are out to have an affair with their middle aged, married colleague.

Yet it happens so often. Especially when the young unattached think the man is well off. Happened to me, little did she know he wasn't as wealthy as he made himself look and they're shacked up and struggling along, doubt it will last but he lost his comfortable life and his kids, who want nothing to do with him, over it. So so so many people have told me similar stories to mine since it happened to me.

For the OP don't let it consume you but trust your gut along the way. So many don't and find out later though you can't stop it happening if it's going to.

Fraaahnces · 12/01/2023 02:00

Honestly, mentionitis is the first sign I’d be looking for to check his phone. I will probably be slated for this, but I’d rather know that there were messages happening sooner rather than later.
If there are, screenshot them all and send them to yourself.

LordSugarTits · 12/01/2023 02:06

"Realistically can you imagine a gorgeous woman in her 20s being interested in him? It happens, but its pretty rare"

Eh? It's ridiculously common

Aussiegirl123456 · 12/01/2023 04:10

Thestagshead · 12/01/2023 00:02

I hate this level of misogyny, it’s horrific that it still exists in this day and age. We strive for equality and still; still people exist who think women in the workplace are easy pickings for older more senior men.

it is sickening.

Show quote history

It is, but it’s also true.

Se7ener · 12/01/2023 05:01

Talk to him about it now. The sooner the better. Me and my wife have a pact not to let things fester. Any problems are talked about straight away, however foolish they may be.

Nicecow · 12/01/2023 05:04

I think just keep an eye on it, he may have a tiny crush. Tbh why would someone 10 years younger and gorgeous want him anyway (no offence). But it's probably nothing. If there was then he'd probably not mention it at all

Monty27 · 12/01/2023 05:12

OP she's probably got nothing on you|. Except you have insecurity issues.
In her life she probably wouldn't look at him twice. And he probably hasn't even thought of cheating. She's bright she's good looking. Many young women are it doesn't mean she's going to sleep with your husband. Nor him her. She's easy to work with. Duh

kateandme · 12/01/2023 05:27

How many woman if a very very attractive man came to work in their office wouldn't have a crush. It's a bit diet coke advert of old isn't it and perfectly accepted still.
It's his mentioning her and other behaviours that take this away from that someone finding a very attractive person gorgeous but end of.
And why you'd suspect he would/ might cheat?
My cousin work with an absolute dream boat.the whole office knows it. Would she ever cheat on her husband if the opportunity even did arise? no way. Does she blush,mention,talk in a certain way about him?Nope?But she certainly knows he's fanciable but that is it.its a very different kind of attraction or relation to him.