Why do I always end up in a controlling relationship?

[Oceanlover1998]

Hi all. I have Been seeing a guy for around two months and over the weeks he has grown more and more overwhelming with constant control.
Some of this stuff I have been through before like checking my social media following constantly, telling me how I should behave, how he wants to me to behave a certain way so I can be the perfect 'wife'. Yet he is definitely not my 'perfect husband' has some bad habits that I can't get into on here.

I don't know why but I always seem to end up with these kinds of guys. Last night he was really aggressive asking me what movie we had watched a few weeks ago and when I couldn't remember the title he lashed out shouting and swearing telling me to check when I was busy with something . He constantly accuses me of talking to other guys, saying I want attention etc etc when I absolutely don't.

How to avoid these kind of people in the future??

What's toodle out to me was that he "constantly" checked your social media, "constantly" tells you what you need to do to be perfect for him etc. Anyone I know in real life would never see a man again after the first time he did either of those things and not give him the opportunity to do them constantly. Why are you accepting this? The first time a man polices your social media that's when you end it, especially if you're a few weeks or months in its really easy to walk away.

Date with the attitude that being single is better than being with a dickhead, women need to get better at realising this and being more picky with the men they choose.

I think you need to do the Freedom Programme. It sounds like he has been testing you with ever increasing forms of control, to see how much you will put up with. Ultimately the way to weed this kind of guy out is to put up with zero, i.e. you have to be ready to end the relationship as soon as the behaviour begins.

I would spend some time working on your own boundaries and then be a lot more choosy in future.

Get rid of him. And yes do the Freedom Program.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What are your parents like, how do they treat each other?. Did anyone ever bother to show you what a mutually respectful and loving relationship is because this is not it and I do not think you have any idea of what a truly loving relationship is either.

This current bloke you are with needs to be dumped into the cesspit from where he came.

Your boundaries, already skewed by seeing abuse in experiencing past controlling relationships, are being further messed with by this individual now. Controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour and what you are describing in your post is abusive behaviour from him to you. This "relationship" needs to be over as of now.

Do not embark on any further relationship until you have embarked on the Freedom Programme and have had time to properly heal from being in controlling relationships otherwise you could well repeat this same dysfunctional relationship pattern over and over again. I would also suggest reading "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft. This man is in those pages.

It is NOT your fault.

you might find this useful to help you hone your twatradar though

www.jennisspace.com/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

How to avoid these kind of people in the future??

Go slowly at first and don’t rush into sleeping/ living with them until you’ve had time to see any nasty side they may have.

And dump them as soon as they show any sign of possessiveness, aggression, controlling behaviour or any other red flags. Never give them a chance to ‘train’ you into accepting abuse.

Better luck next time, OP.

If a man did one of those things once to me I wouldn't see him again.
This may sound obvious but don't let a man move in too quickly with you, Under 2 years is too soon, if they don't respect your boundaries they are not for you. They are easier to get rid of if you live separately.

He sounds nasty. If he's like this after two months, imagine what he'd be like after two years. I hope you have dumped him. I see other pp's have suggested the Freedom Programme, that's supposed to be very good.

Try a few sessions of therapy to get to the bottom of why you accept this behaviour and why your view of what love looks like is unhealthy. Do the work and stay single until it's completed. Learn to value yourself more.

The Freedom Programme also looks worth exploring.

Oh, and of course dump this man immediately!

You need to walk away the first time there is any controlling behaviour.

You don't seem in touch with or listen to your instincts.

In my pre DH days, I used to walk away from men on just an off feeling or one comment that seemed controlling.

For someone to have constantly done something, they have to have done it once and not been dropped like they're hot.

We've all met and dated these men. It's when you dump them that's key.

You need a better shark cage. www.jennisspace.com/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

Just spotted you posted this first. Great minds and all that!

I used to be like this. I'd give people chance after chance and ended up marrying an abuser. Now any red flag and I won't put myself through it. I think I had low self esteem and was so desperate to be liked and settle down I put up with alsorts.

Just leave, the very second you see any sign of it. You haven't 'ended up' with anybody, have you. Dating is trial and error. You're getting your errors out of the way. Don't let any error last for any length of time, work your way through as many people as you need to until you meet someone who blows your socks off at every turn. Don't stay with anyone until then.

That's who you'll 'end up' with.

Your first paragraph answers your question.

You say he grew 'More and more controlling' - wtf did you hang around after you spotted the first sign of controlling behaviour?

Your problem isn't that you attract them, it's that even when you zee what they are, you keep them around!

You let him shout and swear and lash out at you and don't think 'fuvk this, this is dangerous, I need to get away from this person!' ?

Why not?
Stop dating until you've learned to love yourself.

The "constantly" stood out to me too. You've only been seeing this guy for about two months, so the "constantly" must have started very early on in the relationship (Not that two months is even really a relationship)

Look back, when was the first time he did any of those things? Because that was when you should have stopped seeing him.

People who don't end up in controlling relationships do so because they recognise the red flags early.

Might also help you to watch out for obvious red flags from the offset.

These fir example are all warning signs you may see in and around the first few dates/month:

*love bombing behaviour like wanting to message or text you all day every day. Or looking at you like they are in love...when they've known you all of 10 minutes. Telling you they've never met anyone like you. When they know you are busy or doing something important,they suddenly desperately need your attention more.

Or the opposite of that

*blowing hot and cold or playing you off against other women they are/were dating. Or making you feel like you should be thankful as hell for him spending their time with you (yet, ironically, not valuing your time. Eg: cancelling dates at the last minute or being late all the time)

*talking badly of others. Rude to people they çonsider 'beneath' them like service staff.. Talk of all their exs being crazy. Derogatory or mysoginisyic language. References towards violence towards women.

• woe is me attitudes. Their life is so, so hard

*competitive nature. Your life is hard? Theirs I soooo much harder. You're have a cold? Pft, that's nothing, they have the flu.

*any sign of aggression or violence
(Or talk of aggressive, violent or law breaking activities)

• any talk along the lines of 'you're too good for me', 'I make people unhappy', 'I hurt people', 'I'm a natcissist'or 'my ex says I was mean to her'. Basically, them telling you exactly who they are and how they will treat you.

*comments about you not suiting certain colours or clothing.

*thinking they know you better than you.

*not taking 'no' for an answer. Regarding things like you not being free to meet that day ect...

*sulking, moofs, totally vanishing for a few or longer n order to make you wonder where you stand and then coming back with shit excuses.

*saying one thing one day and the opposite the next. Making you wonder if you misheard (may be the beginnings of gaslighting)

*slagging off your friends or family or trying to make you think these (supportive) ppl don't have your best interests at heart.

Any signs of snow of these things - run away. Don't wait for more red flags, just go.

Ps: to be extra safe - never move in with someone you haven't known at least 18 months. And don't get pregnant!

Perhaps have some counselling to examine why you always go for these types of men.

Dh is very particular, has a tendency to be controlling, but I would never put up with such nonsense, so it's never been an issue.

Because it feels familiar, in a nutshell. It fulfills a need in you that is more than likely set up by your family of origin.

Bin this one without delay, how does he make your life better?

Put the time and energy into changing your mindset so you're able to say no at the first sign of controlling behaviour, so it doesn't ever get to more and more. As above, the freedom program is well worth doing and perfect for your situation.

If this is a regular occurence it's worth being on the lookout for early signs - little things that suggest he's trying to control stuff. They usually don't come over with the full control programme straight away! I remember being in a relationship in my 20s with a man like this, whose demands - where I could go, what he wanted me to wear, who I was allowed to talk to on the phone - got more and more stringent. The crunch came when he wanted me to give up my job, which would have been a major sacrifice as my career was just starting to go somewhere. So now he's merely a distant memory, thank goodness. People often push the boundaries to see what they can get away with.

It's perfectly possible to have a close and loving relationship without acceding to a partner's every whim. Maybe they'll even respect you more for having some boundaries!

If you can afford it, go to therapy and work on yourself and understand your family of origin. I used to be drawn to controlling men but after a lot of therapy I'm better at knowing where my boundaries are and what the first signs of a controlling man might be. It sounds like you would benefit from working on your self worth and beliefs about yourself and relationships.

Oh I see GreenManalishi's already said it, but much more succinctly than me.

Why are you still with him? You should have dumped his arse at the very first hint of abuse.

Were either of your parents narcissistic/abusive?