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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why do I always end up in a controlling relationship?

62 replies

Oceanlover1998 · 11/01/2023 14:56

Hi all. I have Been seeing a guy for around two months and over the weeks he has grown more and more overwhelming with constant control.
Some of this stuff I have been through before like checking my social media following constantly, telling me how I should behave, how he wants to me to behave a certain way so I can be the perfect 'wife'. Yet he is definitely not my 'perfect husband' has some bad habits that I can't get into on here.

I don't know why but I always seem to end up with these kinds of guys. Last night he was really aggressive asking me what movie we had watched a few weeks ago and when I couldn't remember the title he lashed out shouting and swearing telling me to check when I was busy with something . He constantly accuses me of talking to other guys, saying I want attention etc etc when I absolutely don't.

How to avoid these kind of people in the future??

OP posts:
XmasElf10 · 11/01/2023 18:01

Ditch them the very first time they try this bullshit!

Loachworks · 11/01/2023 18:10

What were your parents like? I know anyone can become a victim of abuse but two months in you speak of more and more controlling. This guy barely met you before he felt he could begin.
Your boundaries are way off centre and until you sort that you're ripe for any man who comes along. Please contact women's aid and get some therapy.

Original poster
Oceanlover1998 · 11/01/2023 18:27

Suzi89 · 11/01/2023 17:18

Were either of your parents narcissistic/abusive?

Not at all. I had a very happy childhood! My first relationship at 17 the guy was older and very controlling - probably worse than this new guy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oceanlover1998 · 11/01/2023 18:29

Loachworks · 11/01/2023 18:10

What were your parents like? I know anyone can become a victim of abuse but two months in you speak of more and more controlling. This guy barely met you before he felt he could begin.
Your boundaries are way off centre and until you sort that you're ripe for any man who comes along. Please contact women's aid and get some therapy.

Parents were great and seemingly happy until they divorced when i was 18. The first sign with this new guy was on the third date! When he had been checking my social media

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 11/01/2023 18:42

Having relationships with these sort, especially when young or over a long time period, can set us up to accept future relationships with similar people.

Family, partners...even friends. Bullying in childhood too I would argue.

We accept what we are raised to know.

It can be hard to break the cycle.

Honestly...I'd say about 1 in 4 men will display obvious red flags early on. Trick us to see them quick and walk away.

When you found put this guy had been 'checking your social media' (in what way btw? Like, regarding your exs? Or having a prolem with you having male friends on it?) What were your thoughts?

When you first started to feel discomfort at his behaviour, what we your instincts telling you?
Did they warn you? Did you decide not to listen? To give the benefit if the doubt? Why?

Why are you accepting behaviour that you wpuld never display to others, FROM others? Do you not think you are worthy of the same kindness, compassion, respect and freedom as other people?

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/01/2023 18:49

The first sign with this new guy was on the third date! When he had been checking my social media

When this happens... no next date.

Original poster
Oceanlover1998 · 11/01/2023 18:57

Pinkbonbon · 11/01/2023 18:42

Having relationships with these sort, especially when young or over a long time period, can set us up to accept future relationships with similar people.

Family, partners...even friends. Bullying in childhood too I would argue.

We accept what we are raised to know.

It can be hard to break the cycle.

Honestly...I'd say about 1 in 4 men will display obvious red flags early on. Trick us to see them quick and walk away.

When you found put this guy had been 'checking your social media' (in what way btw? Like, regarding your exs? Or having a prolem with you having male friends on it?) What were your thoughts?

When you first started to feel discomfort at his behaviour, what we your instincts telling you?
Did they warn you? Did you decide not to listen? To give the benefit if the doubt? Why?

Why are you accepting behaviour that you wpuld never display to others, FROM others? Do you not think you are worthy of the same kindness, compassion, respect and freedom as other people?

Yeah he was checking my following on SM. I felt quite taken aback but I have been through this before. But I still saw a huge red flag. I think the fact he was nice afterwards I soon got over it. But I know it was wrong

OP posts:
Nat1833 · 11/01/2023 18:58

Maybe you need to take a break from dating. How do you decide on a suitable date. Do you go on looks or something else? Do you meet people online or in RL?

Original poster
Oceanlover1998 · 11/01/2023 19:00

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/01/2023 15:14

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What are your parents like, how do they treat each other?. Did anyone ever bother to show you what a mutually respectful and loving relationship is because this is not it and I do not think you have any idea of what a truly loving relationship is either.

This current bloke you are with needs to be dumped into the cesspit from where he came.

Your boundaries, already skewed by seeing abuse in experiencing past controlling relationships, are being further messed with by this individual now. Controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour and what you are describing in your post is abusive behaviour from him to you. This "relationship" needs to be over as of now.

Do not embark on any further relationship until you have embarked on the Freedom Programme and have had time to properly heal from being in controlling relationships otherwise you could well repeat this same dysfunctional relationship pattern over and over again. I would also suggest reading "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft. This man is in those pages.

Thank you for this. Currently reading the book on a PDF

OP posts:
MzHz · 11/01/2023 19:05

@Oceanlover1998 you said “The first sign with this new guy was on the third date! When he had been checking my social media”

THIS is the point you end things, and you tell him why.

”mate, I’ve seen you twice and you’re checking my SM and giving me grief? You have no right to police what I do/don’t do. I’ll end this meet up here and now and won’t be seeing you again”

and yes, absolutely the freedom programme will be wonderful for you. You can do it online, in person is better but you’ll get what you need to see from online.

I suggest your first controller set up the way you see relationships. So it’s that which needs to be undone

Watchkeys · 11/01/2023 19:08

But I still saw a huge red flag. I think the fact he was nice afterwards I soon got over it

OK. There it is: that's why you keep having abusive relationships. From here on in, when you see a red flag, you end the relationship. If you'd done that with him, would you be posting here now about how you 'always' end up this way?

MzHz · 11/01/2023 19:14

And yes… I speak with hindsight … 😊

Pinkbonbon · 11/01/2023 19:17

Oceanlover1998 · 11/01/2023 18:57

Yeah he was checking my following on SM. I felt quite taken aback but I have been through this before. But I still saw a huge red flag. I think the fact he was nice afterwards I soon got over it. But I know it was wrong

Show quote history

Yeah that's what you have to address. It's not your job to 'get over' other people's bad behaviour. It's your job to protect yourself from it.

Abusive men can act nice when it suits them. But good men will never try to control you.

Plus, you were just 3 dates in and he was already starting that shit! Like, if I met you 3 times and then started making comment about your fb mates? You'd think I was a creepy nutter! Because I would be. So why is a guy getting a free pass for that nonsense? Honey, no one is that handsome! xD

Might be worth practicing breaking things off. 'This doesn't work for me. We aren't suited. Goodbye'. In the mirror. Before any dates in future.

No discussing the red flag with them. No excusing it or second chances. The second a person makes you feel uncomfortable, threatened or like your boundaries are being ignored, it's time to go. Break up by text if you feel it would be safer. You don't owe them an in person meet.

If they are abusive, never waste time explaining to them why their behaviour is abusive. They KNOW it is. They just don't want you to know thry know.

Remind yourself - don't excuse behaviour from anyone that you yourself would not display TO anyone.

Pansypotter123 · 11/01/2023 19:18

Have you ended it with him, and deleted and blocked him?

Watchkeys · 11/01/2023 19:23

I don't think it's a good idea to point out their failings after 3 dates. If you know that soon that there's something about them that you don't like, don't give them anything they can argue back against.

'Thanks for the dates, but I'm not feeling it, so all the best for the future' is all you need to maintain your own dignity and self respect.

Wheelyweddingwipedout · 11/01/2023 19:23

You’ve had some brilliant advice @Oceanlover1998 . Can I ask, when you spot a red flag, do you feel afraid/frightened of raising it with them? do you have a fear or worry of what they would do or say to you and you won’t be able to handle it?

EasilyDistractable · 11/01/2023 19:31

Pinkbonbon · 11/01/2023 18:42

Having relationships with these sort, especially when young or over a long time period, can set us up to accept future relationships with similar people.

Family, partners...even friends. Bullying in childhood too I would argue.

We accept what we are raised to know.

It can be hard to break the cycle.

Honestly...I'd say about 1 in 4 men will display obvious red flags early on. Trick us to see them quick and walk away.

When you found put this guy had been 'checking your social media' (in what way btw? Like, regarding your exs? Or having a prolem with you having male friends on it?) What were your thoughts?

When you first started to feel discomfort at his behaviour, what we your instincts telling you?
Did they warn you? Did you decide not to listen? To give the benefit if the doubt? Why?

Why are you accepting behaviour that you wpuld never display to others, FROM others? Do you not think you are worthy of the same kindness, compassion, respect and freedom as other people?

We often get into what is familiar, but not what is good for us.

Swimswam · 11/01/2023 19:41

Freedom Programm and therapy. I think that would be helpful.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/01/2023 19:43

MzHz · 11/01/2023 19:14

And yes… I speak with hindsight … 😊

Yeah this is worth saying. Some of us have battle scars too.

EasilyDistractable · 11/01/2023 19:56

Swimswam · 11/01/2023 19:41

Freedom Programm and therapy. I think that would be helpful.

Recommended

EasilyDistractable · 11/01/2023 20:01

Wheelyweddingwipedout · 11/01/2023 19:23

You’ve had some brilliant advice @Oceanlover1998 . Can I ask, when you spot a red flag, do you feel afraid/frightened of raising it with them? do you have a fear or worry of what they would do or say to you and you won’t be able to handle it?

If you're frightened about asking something, then perhaps it's a flag. Don't anticipate the response to be curious and non-judgemental.

Dery · 11/01/2023 20:06

As a PP said - no need to discuss the red flag behaviour with the guy in question. He won’t accept he’s in the wrong anyway. Just use the neutral statements suggested above. And yes, you end up here because you’re sticking around when you should be moving on.

Pinkbonbon · 11/01/2023 20:13

Also just thought but, id guess that the checking your social media like that was NOT the first red flag. Because that's a reallllly brazen move.

So either he already knew or suspected you would tolerate that (as a result of you not noticing prior red flags perhaps). Or he's like the most brazen abuser ever, as normally bigger things like that are so obvious...don't occur till much later on.

Just to check, you didn't mention prior abuse abuse him did you? As that could also have made him thibk he could get away with it.

Never tell new partners about past abuse.

Pinkbonbon · 11/01/2023 20:14

*abuse to

OnlyOneForMe · 11/01/2023 20:14

You should not hesitate, dump him, and be patient and very choosy in future. Any doubts, it should always be, No!