Why do I always end up in a controlling relationship?

[Oceanlover1998]

Hi all. I have Been seeing a guy for around two months and over the weeks he has grown more and more overwhelming with constant control.
Some of this stuff I have been through before like checking my social media following constantly, telling me how I should behave, how he wants to me to behave a certain way so I can be the perfect 'wife'. Yet he is definitely not my 'perfect husband' has some bad habits that I can't get into on here.

I don't know why but I always seem to end up with these kinds of guys. Last night he was really aggressive asking me what movie we had watched a few weeks ago and when I couldn't remember the title he lashed out shouting and swearing telling me to check when I was busy with something . He constantly accuses me of talking to other guys, saying I want attention etc etc when I absolutely don't.

How to avoid these kind of people in the future??

I think you should dump much earlier. I would not get with anyone who is at all pushy. If there is something I don't like, I state the boundary, and if they try to push it or ignore it, we're done.

Are you attracted to people who are kind of teasingly pushy, or persue you hard despite your ambivalence? That kind of behaviour rings alarm bells for me.

The 3rd date should have been the last date you had with this idiot. As soon as he looked through your social media you should've dumped him.

I love this part from the Shark Cage analogy:

A shark cage is a set of ideas and skills that create good boundaries and self-esteem. People with good shark cages will weigh any potential new relationship against how happy they already are. Some of the things that contribute to having a good shark cage include:

• Being raised to believe you’re valuable and important.
• Having adults in your life who model healthy, mutual relationships.
• Being taught from an early age that your body belongs to you and no one can touch it without your permission.
• Believing that you are fundamentally equal to other human beings.
• Knowing how to say “no” effectively.
• Knowing how to tell the difference between interest in you as a person and as an object.
• Trusting your “spidey-sense” when it tells you to turn someone down.

What gets in the way of building a shark cage?
People with shark cages that need work will weigh any potential new relationship against the terrifying prospect of being alone. Some of the things that contribute to having a shark cage that’s a fixer-upper are:

• Believing that you are fundamentally not good enough in some very important way. (Not pretty enough, or smart enough, or sophisticated enough, etc. )
• Being raised with unhealthy relationships, especially domestic violence, as your primary model.
• Being abused as a child, especially sexually abused.
• Having your wants and needs continually disrespected as a child
• Believing that you owe anyone who is “nice” to you a portion of your time and attention above a simple “thank you”.
• Thinking that saying “no” is rude.
• Being so starved for touch and/or love that you are willing to accept being treated as an object in exchange for touch and occasional affection.

Definitely! Yes I feel scared of the consequences I guess I am too much of a people pleaser maybe with self esteem issues. I try to just brush it off but it buries itself deep inside me and I don't forget about it

You should give yourself credit for how you are protecting yourself, as well as thinking about how to do it even better next time - you’ve recognised and honestly described what’s going on, and shared that here. It’s early days, you aren’t ten years into it with three kids with this guy! Those skills are massively important, and if you can do that you can do the rest of it. And yes therapy, freedom programme etc are a great help at bringing those protective mechanisms online sooner if they’re required in the future!

You've learned the pattern somewhere in your history that people pleasing was the best thing to do for you, to avoid consequences. Were you pressured to be 'good' when you were younger? Was there something going on where your feelings had to be put aside? It doesn't have to be parents being horrible or bad... it could be something like a parent being ill, or a sibling who got more attention, or pressure to do really well at school because you learned to read early and so your identity became 'The Clever One'. What was the structure like when you were a kid? Were your feelings heard and respected, or did something else take precedence?

Nobody is born a people-pleaser. Where did you learn that your self esteem was linked to saying yes to other people when you'd rather say no?

UPDATE- i ended things but he is trying to contact me by any means possible eg calling on friend's numbers. hopefully he won't turn up

If he turns up, don't open the door. ( I sincerely hope he doesn't have a key 2 months in)

Don't engage, don't talk to him through the door. Just ignore him.

If he doesn't go away, then phone the police. Don't tell him you're phoning the police, just do it. And then ignore. (If you have any big beefy male friends, brothers, father etc, these will also do)

Yes, it'll probably cause a bit of a scene, but thats preference from having this go on any longer.

dear @Oceanlover1998

firstly WELL DONE! You ended things a couple of months in… that hindsight I spoke of… 10. Fucking. Years. Lost. so you’re definitely not the biggest idiot on the thread.. I know you think so, but you’re not.

You saw something and you checked it out. It’s very easy for a hundred people to come along and give you fantastic and heartfelt advice, and perhaps you think you’re the last to know this stuff. You’re not. And perhaps this thread will help others in similar situations.

So you have a cling-on.

that’s another red flag.

think about it. This guy promised the earth, moon and stars on a stick for you somehow? Then comes the SM police. I’m sure there are other things too that have pricked your instincts.

the guy he’s presenting himself to be is not who he is. He’s an abusive person who would go on to tear you to shreds to make himself feel better about the shitty twat he is.

abusers abuse out of WEAKNESS. Not strength. A strong man won’t need to destroy you to make himself look more powerful, he’s confident in his own abilities.

your ex has ploughed all this effort into pretending to be a nice person, and he showed his cards too soon and you’ve made the best decision in the world, to end it. You’ve not done this lightly, you know exactly why you’re ending it and how wrong his behaviour was

hes not respecting that boundary- a red flag all by itself

the reason he’s making all this effort to hoover you back in again is because he’s made all that effort to pretend to be a nice guy, if you end it, he has to go through the whole tortuous process of “being nice” to someone else. (when it’s the opposite to his nature)

laziness basically.

so if he turns up, don’t answer the door, call the police to remove him. Tell them you’re frightened by him.

and yes… when I extracted myself from the 10 year mess, eventually I met someone like this guy and I called the police and they told him to back off. He still emailed from time to time, but it all went into junk

the main thing is to NEVER reply or acknowledge his contact.

UPDATE- i ended things but he is trying to contact me by any means possible eg calling on friend's numbers. hopefully he won't turn up

Excellent. Good on you, stick to your guns until the message really lands that you are not interested in him and his behaviour. The only way he will understand this is no contact. Do not try to explain yourself. He won't hear what you say and he will take it as a green light.

Ignore him, he is now hunting for your attention, and a sign that there's a way back in, do not give this to him. Ignore, block, delete, repeat, go and stay with a friend you trust, or ask one to come and stay with you if you can.

That should have been the last date.

It sounds harsh but people will only treat you how you allow them to. You can't change someone so you don't let them by dumping them.

Of course, some abusers only shown their true colours Uchida further down the line but there are often little nods to controlling/abusive behaviour early on that people often ignore or talk themselves into accepting.

It's nothing you're doing to attract them - these kinds often try it with countess women but they only.end up dating or in relationships with women who tolerate it and for as long as they tolerate it.

If he does, don't open the door. Just shout through it 'You have 5 seconds to fuck off or I'm calling the police!'

Then go away and watch TV until he leaves. If he won't leave or he does but comes back, call the police and tell them you are scared because he's outside again an won't leave.

Do not go out. If you think there's any chance he has a key, get your locks changed.
(You can also Put your keys in your lock now so he can't get in btw)

Warn your family and friends you walked away from him, he was controlling and to block him.

Do not agree to meet him under any circumstances.

Well done though op! Hopefully he will fuck off sharpish.