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Original poster

Infidelity suspicions

72 replies

user1479383615 · 09/01/2023 14:28

Name change, been here a while, etc etc.

DH travels a lot for work, obviously not during the pandemic, but it's really ramped up in the last year. International, Europe, US sometimes Asia etc, some low key UK travel but not too much.

A few little things are starting to prick my suspicions. We have been together 15+ years now (married for most of that) and I have never had any reason to doubt him. And the one thing I have never been is paranoid, I am not getting worked up that he must be cheating because he's away a lot. Even with exs in the past, I was always v relaxed about where they were and what they were doing.

But a few things are starting to not quite add up. Taking great care of appearance, lots of exercise, generally out of contact during travel, when previously would check in a lot. Didn't answer a video call one time when he would have been in bed earlyish morning, but it was late afternoon here and DC wanted to chat, not staying in usual places (can't really say more, v outing). Being a bit defensive, and then being super nice and helpful to me. There's something different about the sex too (nothing weird or anything, as I say, it's just little things).

If I am honest, I'm struggling to see how he'd be having an affair, he's not showing any signs of sneaking around at home (i.e. maintaining a relationship with someone). He's always been protective, but not secretive of his phone, and that's not really changed. But this worries me, because it seems to make it more likely that he might be either, just having a fwb type arrangement with a colleague, or even worse, paying for services while away.

I'm not sure what I am asking. I can't really do anything right now, but my ducks are generally in a row. He's also a high earner and he knows I would have no hesitation in taking him for every penny he's got. Which is another thing that makes me think, not an affair, he likes his life, he wouldn't like the financial sacrifice of separating. And he absolutely adores the kids (as long as I'm doing the donkey work of looking after them of course).

I suppose I'm asking is this me? Or should I be trusting my gut, and starting to add the little things up? Or should I be telling myself not to be a daft cow? I'm asking here, because I don't have any friends I can ask. They all know him and I just don't know enough yet to launch that hand grenade. Any wise words to stop me sitting here stewing?

OP posts:
Yeahrightthen · 09/01/2023 14:31

I think the gut is often right!

I would keep your cards very close to your chest and do some snooping if possible.

ICanHideButICantRun · 09/01/2023 14:38

Does he regularly go to the same places? Is there a team that goes or is he on his own?

Shoemadlady · 09/01/2023 14:42

Always trust your gut instinct, it's telling you something your head doesn't want to hear.
Could you put a tracker on his phone or use the find my phone thing?
Would you be able to tell if he lied to your face when asked?
You don't think he is a second phone? Would explain why he's not possessive over his phone if he has another? So sorry though, this is a rotten situation to be in x sending love

Fuckstix · 09/01/2023 14:43

It's obv not possible to say for sure but wanted you to know that if these are all new things you've picked up you're not being daft. I'd keep your powder dry and do a bit more digging, probably starting with finding out which colleagues are travelling with him or joining from other offices. I'm not sure he would bother to change his appearance for sex workers' benefit if he's paying for their company. The changes in sex co

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 09/01/2023 14:44

I think you have to ask yourself a few questions OP such as what was it (eureka moment) that made you think this ?
The sex... can you say how it has changed specifically?
Taking care of his appearance.. in what specific way that makes you wonder ?

Your post is too general unless you explain a little more

NotMyDayJob · 09/01/2023 14:47

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 09/01/2023 14:51

There's something different about the sex too (nothing weird or anything, as I say, it's just little things)

Sorry, OP, that was what tipped me off. Nothing you could describe, just a sort of 'something's different.' And starting to wear aftershave after telling me he didn't like it (ex wasn't a strategic thinker). It's little changes that you can't quite put your finger on.

Original poster
user1479383615 · 09/01/2023 14:53

I've spotted my name change fail and reported it.

@ICanHideButICantRun It's not consistent, but i honestly couldn't tell you who he goes with. But one of the most regular places, he has a usual place to stay and they know me there. He's not staying there any more.

@Shoemadlady can't see when he would be using a second phone, we are generally together in the evenings when he's not away. Even with a second phone he'd have to sneak around to use it.

@ChangedmynameagainforChristmas i take your point, but i can't be more specific really. He's not suddenly asked me to get involved in BDSM, or stockings or some sort of kink for eg, he's just different.

@Fuckstix he might do he's quite vain. Certainly since he got more active. He's very interested in what he looks like. I wouldn't put it past him to want to be attractive to other women whatever guise they came in.

OP posts:
2catsandhappy · 09/01/2023 14:53

If you said to him, 'I really miss the way you used to stay in touch.' How do you think he would reply?
Has he reached an age where he is competing with younger men for the same work?
The subtle differences in your sex life would bother me. Something has sparked his imagination and I would want to know what.
Short of looking at his google map trips or messages or contact list not sure how you would get the answers to your doubts. Maybe phone head office to email his itinerary?

Original poster
user1479383615 · 09/01/2023 14:54

I won't be putting a tracker on his phone. If nothing else he is extremely tech savvy (as am I, but he would know)

OP posts:
ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 09/01/2023 14:57

So can you remember the time when you thought something was up? And why?

Original poster
user1479383615 · 09/01/2023 14:57

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 09/01/2023 14:51

There's something different about the sex too (nothing weird or anything, as I say, it's just little things)

Sorry, OP, that was what tipped me off. Nothing you could describe, just a sort of 'something's different.' And starting to wear aftershave after telling me he didn't like it (ex wasn't a strategic thinker). It's little changes that you can't quite put your finger on.

That's exactly it. I have only had sex with this man for the best part of 15 years, something is just different.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1479383615 · 09/01/2023 14:58

2catsandhappy · 09/01/2023 14:53

If you said to him, 'I really miss the way you used to stay in touch.' How do you think he would reply?
Has he reached an age where he is competing with younger men for the same work?
The subtle differences in your sex life would bother me. Something has sparked his imagination and I would want to know what.
Short of looking at his google map trips or messages or contact list not sure how you would get the answers to your doubts. Maybe phone head office to email his itinerary?

I'm not sure, but this is a good approach, I think i may do this when he is back after the next trip.

OP posts:
ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 09/01/2023 14:59

With my husband it was when I found an earring in the car as I was cleaning it. He had no idea where it had come from and I didn't like the way he dismissed it. I left the earring on the mantelpiece and it strangely disappeared. From then on I knew. I just did.

Original poster
user1479383615 · 09/01/2023 15:01

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 09/01/2023 14:57

So can you remember the time when you thought something was up? And why?

Honestly, it's just been subtly building for a while. but a few days ago, i made an (admittedly stupid) joke about having an affair, and his response was just off, and it just got me thinking. it wasn't an accusing me of anything, just a 'why would you think that' as if there was actually a reason I could give him, as oppose to the fact he'd been so distracted he'd done some stupid things.

Again, it doesn't sound much to a third party, but I know this man very well. And yes I can tell when he's lying. I might not know why, but i know when he's lying.

OP posts:
theemmadilemma · 09/01/2023 15:02

Go with your gut. Especially after all that time. You know someone well enough after all that time to spot the small changes.

And yes to the sex thing. I know exactly what you mean. Small nuances.

Thevoiceofnoreason · 09/01/2023 15:03

Would you consider a Private Detective to set your mind at rest?

newlove22 · 09/01/2023 15:04

As a woman you just know. That feeling is the worst. The trouble is men are not very good at hiding it and we pick up on the small signals.

Starlitestarbright · 09/01/2023 15:05

It sounds like he's playing away. Alot fo the tell tale signs are there and you know him the must when things don't add up

ICanHideButICantRun · 09/01/2023 15:06

Do you think he is actually going away when he says he's going? Do you think he might be going into work here, but staying somewhere else?

GreyTS · 09/01/2023 15:08

Thevoiceofnoreason · 09/01/2023 15:03

Would you consider a Private Detective to set your mind at rest?

This is the only thing you can do tbh, someone I know had similar suspicions, a pd found everything she needed to know

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 09/01/2023 15:09

So you do know then OP. You know he is lying and that is the key. Now you just have to keep your eyes and ears open and wait.
If he is doing something wrong he will slip up in some small way because living a lie is not easy especially when the other party suspects you.
Have you asked him why he does not stay at that p[ace any more? be careful because you would be buying into the lie also

Nowthatlovehasperished · 09/01/2023 15:14

Your intelligence and intuition are most likely correct.

Think about what you want before you act.

Frankensteinisamonster · 09/01/2023 15:17

I don’t know but you have basically just said he will stay with you only for money and as he loves his kids.

that’s a shitty shitty marriage, if that’s what it’s now reduced to, he doesn’t want to pay and he wants to see his kids, and you do all the chores, then that’s miserable way to live.

maybe that’s why it’s changed. There is no love there, it’s all about convenience

Yeahrightthen · 09/01/2023 15:18

ICanHideButICantRun It's not consistent, but i honestly couldn't tell you who he goes with. But one of the most regular places, he has a usual place to stay and they know me there. He's not staying there any more

Hmmm… have you asked him why? This would set off major alarm bells for me.