Infidelity suspicions

[user1479383615]

Name change, been here a while, etc etc.

DH travels a lot for work, obviously not during the pandemic, but it's really ramped up in the last year. International, Europe, US sometimes Asia etc, some low key UK travel but not too much.

A few little things are starting to prick my suspicions. We have been together 15+ years now (married for most of that) and I have never had any reason to doubt him. And the one thing I have never been is paranoid, I am not getting worked up that he must be cheating because he's away a lot. Even with exs in the past, I was always v relaxed about where they were and what they were doing.

But a few things are starting to not quite add up. Taking great care of appearance, lots of exercise, generally out of contact during travel, when previously would check in a lot. Didn't answer a video call one time when he would have been in bed earlyish morning, but it was late afternoon here and DC wanted to chat, not staying in usual places (can't really say more, v outing). Being a bit defensive, and then being super nice and helpful to me. There's something different about the sex too (nothing weird or anything, as I say, it's just little things).

If I am honest, I'm struggling to see how he'd be having an affair, he's not showing any signs of sneaking around at home (i.e. maintaining a relationship with someone). He's always been protective, but not secretive of his phone, and that's not really changed. But this worries me, because it seems to make it more likely that he might be either, just having a fwb type arrangement with a colleague, or even worse, paying for services while away.

I'm not sure what I am asking. I can't really do anything right now, but my ducks are generally in a row. He's also a high earner and he knows I would have no hesitation in taking him for every penny he's got. Which is another thing that makes me think, not an affair, he likes his life, he wouldn't like the financial sacrifice of separating. And he absolutely adores the kids (as long as I'm doing the donkey work of looking after them of course).

I suppose I'm asking is this me? Or should I be trusting my gut, and starting to add the little things up? Or should I be telling myself not to be a daft cow? I'm asking here, because I don't have any friends I can ask. They all know him and I just don't know enough yet to launch that hand grenade. Any wise words to stop me sitting here stewing?

AFAIK airline luggage tags have dates on them. If tags are left on, it might be worth discreetly checking for a date.
Yes - he'd remove the ones with dates but the other tags you sometimes get would be on there 🤦‍♀️

it wouldn't be massage parlours. it would be high end escorts

I don't think someone would spend a lot of time grooming themselves for a high end escort. He's guaranteed she'll turn up and act like she's enjoying herself.

I'd be looking at someone he works with or someone closer to home.

His increase in interest in his appearance could indicate sex/hook up sites in the countries he visits. If he had profiles on a sex sites he could simply connect with women when he was in town. He may have regular women he hooks up with.

But I disagree this precludes escorts. If he’s a regular client of one or very good looking young women it may optimise his sexual experience to feel he’s looking his most attractive.

op this happened to me , he was working away from home every few weeks, I knew he would go to the hotel bar etc with his work colleague another male but he was bringing fancy clothes he would wear on a night out with me . I text him good night one evening and he didn't reply which made me worry as he would always reply so I looked at his last seen and it was 5am in the morning , I just knew even though we had a great relationship. I went to erase history as was booking a surprise birthday trip for him and came across Google maps and didn't even know you could track your location on that , well let's just say my heart broke in 1000s of pieces with what I saw . I don't think I've been the same since .

Trust your gut instinct x

Or should I be telling myself not to be a daft cow

Why would you be so disrespectful to yourself?

You have an uncomfortable feeling within your relationship. If you don't feel you can discuss it with your partner, and trust his response and support, you don't have a healthy relationship, whether he's cheating or not. Deal with what you know, and respect your feelings: you don't trust him.

Trust your instincts
and line your ducks up
and keep looking
and keep a diary

most critically try and get back to work if not, as if the shit does hit the fan …. You might need it to get your own life back

@Thisisworsethananticpated I'm on mat leave, I'm not a SAHM (at least, I am but only temporarily). Going back to my current job is tricky but getting a job is definitely on my agenda and a priority. But it's OK, if anything happened, we could go 50/50, he can work out who looks after the kids on his time.

@ICanHideButICantRun @Mirabai mirabai has the measure of it. He'd be telling himself he's an attractive prospect (tbf in many ways he is), it wouldn't just be about sex, he'd be wanting some intellectual convo and to be told how wonderful he is. And I honestly don't see how it could be closer to home, he wfh full time when not travelling, and his domestic trips are actually few and far between.

Anyway, I've done some snooping, the little I could do without his phone (which I think is going to be next to impossible to get hold of). And i think I've found some evidence of onlyfans, which in itself is disappointing. I need to ponder that. This is why I've never snooped around before, I'm not naive that the vast majority of men look at porn. I was happy not to know about that (assuming legal etc - what I found was fairly dull, nothing extreme).

Ouch I’m sorry
that the search is yielding results already
and good you have a job

look I don’t think anything from what you said by the way

but we must listen to our instincts and tummy x

He's also a high earner and he knows I would have no hesitation in taking him for every penny he's got. Which is another thing that makes me think, not an affair, he likes his life, he wouldn't like the financial sacrifice of separating.

If anything, I think the above would make him more likely to have an affair as he knows that doing the right thing and leaving would be financially crippling. So it's easier to stay in the relationship but have some fun on the side.

Taking that to one side, I would trust your gut instinct. Even if it's not an affair, there's definitely something going on.

Agree with what everyone else is saying - trust your gut

Thing about gut - it can be right. Can also be wrong. And certainly on it’s own own isn’t enough to warrant filing for divorce just yet.
He might be having an affair; or having FWB; or having a crush on someone; or a plain midlife crisis. Wait and see is the only thing you can do.
Also - I’d make it harder for him. I’d make sure to increase the communication on my side when he travels. Regular chats; needing him for this and that; kids wanting to be in regular contact, etc. I’d develop a keen interest in his life - how IS Korea now after pandemic? What restaurant did you to go? How is the new hotel? If he doesn’t answer - mobile - I’d be calling the reception asking to connect to the room.
I’d insist I always knew where he was staying - ‘honey, what if we have an emergency and need to contact you’..::
let him sweat a bit - Especially if something is going on.

Yes that. You've lost your trust. Be more clear about emergency contact and his time zone and immediately contactable in case of emergency. (Agree to location share).in the meantime don't rock the boat. Watch and learn and be prepared.
I hope your gut instinct is wrong but it rarely is.

MMmomDD's post is suggesting a whole bunch of game playing, @user1479383615

If you need to go down the game playing route, your relationship is already in a very big mess, even if he's inocent.

It's not advisable to play games. Not if you're an adult.

I agree BUT the OP needs some info. If a little game playing might help gain info, might it be worth it?

I do agree that once the doubts and lack of trust set in, the relationship is generally doomed.

But the OP needs some information to move forward

Words and definitions can mean different things.
To me - ‘game playing’ is a behaviour meant to manipulate the other person into something you want/need.
Here - I am just suggesting a way for the OP to get to a place where she may be able to better deal with whatever is going on in her head.

And I disagree that once you have a doubt, it’s all over. It is entirely possible to get an irrational idea, get all worked up about something in a relationship - and come out of it. Gut feel is not always right - people can be right OR wrong.

But without some more information - OP’s mind would just continue to make the same conclusions over and over. Minds tend to seek out patterns that support what we think and discount other information.

So - all I suggested is a strategy of coping and possibly getting more information for her mind to consider. More frequent communication with him, initiated by her - may actually lead to her doubts being either dispelled OR confirmed.
To me - it isn’t game playing.

To me - ‘game playing’ is a behaviour meant to manipulate the other person into something you want/need

Suggesting that OP does particular things in order to find the proof she feels she needs is exactly that.

The relationship is over when your gut instinct tells you you can't trust the other person, whether they are guilty of anything or not. If they are guilty, the relationship is over because of that. If they are not guilty, it is over because of your incapability to trust a trustworthy person.

Gut instincts don't care about right and wrong. It's like telling someone they should eat broccoli because it's good for them, even if they feel horrible when they eat it. Gut instincts are preferences for certain behaviours, just as oral tastes are a preference for certain foods. If OP's partner's behaviour results in her not trusting him, and talking to him doesn't help, then that's that; she either has to put up with not trusting her partner, or leave. Just like a person has to put up with the revolting taste of broccoli, or simply choose to honour their preferences, and not eat it.

You are essentially advising someone who doesn't like broccoli to eat it, because they might be 'wrong'.

The other thing is that whilst she may be able to find proof that he is doing wrong, she can never find proof that he isn't. So, this situation can only continue as it is, or turn out with infidelity. People who validate their own feelings don't choose to quash their own suspicions.

@Watchkeys

Interesting. Does your theory about ‘gut instinct’ translate to other areas of life?
Should we take ‘gut instinct’ of someone’s guilt in court, for eg?
Sounds ridiculous? Because it is.

Some people are more jealous than others. The ones unlucky to be the jealous types - with that gut instinct firing up (and often misfiring for no particular reason ) - in your world view - need to leave immediately when ‘gut instinct’ fires up.

People who base their suspicions on observations - sometimes simply need more data to see if their suspicions are irrational or justified. This thinking is why I said OP can try to be more in contact with H, initiated by her. It maybe that she’ll discover there is nothing really there.

And of course - they need to continue talking with their partner in general. But rather than ‘interrogating’ them that can lead to defensiveness (even in an innocent person) - it’s better to see if general relationship’s communication can be improved.

Anyone can get irrationally suspicious. Especially in a long marriage, with kids,
work, travel, middle age approaching, peri, etc. Advocating immediate divorce is, in my opinion, is plain wrong. A grown mature adult should be able to look at themselves and at least consider the origin of their feelings. And try to make a decision not based solely on gut.

You'd allow your kids around someone who gave you the creeps, then, despite them having been cleared of abusing kids in court? Right.

What does a random comment on someone giving you the creeps have to do with anything?
Do you suggest incarcerating people based on your feelings about them?

Not really interested in pursuing a debate thanks MM. I don't need to convince you, and you're entitled to your opinion.

OP, my advice would be to respect your gut instinct. It's the deep down feelings of the real you, and those feelings are there for a reason, regardless of the guilt or innocence of anybody else involved.

As PP have said, keep smiling and observe carefully...

Absolutely trust your gut. Its trying to tell you something. From what you've said, I'd agree, the signs are there. How you'd prove it is another thing all together. Good look. Prepare your emotions and keep on lining up the ducks.