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Original poster

Infidelity suspicions

72 replies

user1479383615 · 09/01/2023 14:28

Name change, been here a while, etc etc.

DH travels a lot for work, obviously not during the pandemic, but it's really ramped up in the last year. International, Europe, US sometimes Asia etc, some low key UK travel but not too much.

A few little things are starting to prick my suspicions. We have been together 15+ years now (married for most of that) and I have never had any reason to doubt him. And the one thing I have never been is paranoid, I am not getting worked up that he must be cheating because he's away a lot. Even with exs in the past, I was always v relaxed about where they were and what they were doing.

But a few things are starting to not quite add up. Taking great care of appearance, lots of exercise, generally out of contact during travel, when previously would check in a lot. Didn't answer a video call one time when he would have been in bed earlyish morning, but it was late afternoon here and DC wanted to chat, not staying in usual places (can't really say more, v outing). Being a bit defensive, and then being super nice and helpful to me. There's something different about the sex too (nothing weird or anything, as I say, it's just little things).

If I am honest, I'm struggling to see how he'd be having an affair, he's not showing any signs of sneaking around at home (i.e. maintaining a relationship with someone). He's always been protective, but not secretive of his phone, and that's not really changed. But this worries me, because it seems to make it more likely that he might be either, just having a fwb type arrangement with a colleague, or even worse, paying for services while away.

I'm not sure what I am asking. I can't really do anything right now, but my ducks are generally in a row. He's also a high earner and he knows I would have no hesitation in taking him for every penny he's got. Which is another thing that makes me think, not an affair, he likes his life, he wouldn't like the financial sacrifice of separating. And he absolutely adores the kids (as long as I'm doing the donkey work of looking after them of course).

I suppose I'm asking is this me? Or should I be trusting my gut, and starting to add the little things up? Or should I be telling myself not to be a daft cow? I'm asking here, because I don't have any friends I can ask. They all know him and I just don't know enough yet to launch that hand grenade. Any wise words to stop me sitting here stewing?

OP posts:
ICanHideButICantRun · 09/01/2023 15:18

I think if he's going to massage parlours, aka sleeping with prostitutes, then that wouldn't tie in with him wanting to look good and being vain about his appearance. I wouldn't rule it out but I'd see it as something he does on the side, not something that you're picking up on now.

My money would be on him seeing someone who's close to home - maybe someone you know or someone he works with. I would be looking at whether he actually is going abroad when he says he is.

Did he ever have mentionitis? This is usual when an interest or affair starts, but once it's underway they learn not to talk about her at all.

ICanHideButICantRun · 09/01/2023 15:19

If he's not staying there any more then can you be sure he's actually going to that country?

EVHead · 09/01/2023 15:20

What you’re describing sounds very familiar. 🙁

Trust your gut: keep your powder dry and do some subtle snooping.

ZaphodDent · 09/01/2023 15:24

Are you able to check his credit card statements? Can be lots of clues there including unusual cash withdrawals. Also check laundry for perfume scent after his trips away.

Neveragain85 · 09/01/2023 15:35

Also sounds familiar to me when my partner was cheating. The trouble is if he wants to hide it he will & he can, the only signs may be you feeling something is off with no clear explanation as to why

ICanHideButICantRun · 09/01/2023 16:19

I agree that his credit card statements will tell you a lot, OP.

HappyNewYear2023 · 09/01/2023 16:25

Protect yourself, keep your mouth shut and do some digging.

Nat1833 · 09/01/2023 16:29

The sex thing is very suspicious for me. This is what made my radar go off with mine. I have always found with partners that after several years you can almost predict what they are going to do in bed. With mine, he suddenly introduced something that he had never done before and low and behold, 2 months later I found out. It sounds very suspicious but you haven’t really got enough to prove it currently. He will deny and then go quiet for a while if you raise these suspicions. I’d be keeping an eye on things and then trying different ways to find out. A friend of mine hired a private detective and got all the evidence she needed.

firstmummy2019 · 09/01/2023 16:36

You know deep down. Sounds more likely an affair. The fact that his travel has ramped up may just be a front, an excuse to meet the other woman.

Original poster
user1479383615 · 09/01/2023 17:22

@GreyTS @Thevoiceofnoreason maybe at some point, but i'm not quite in a positon to be paying out for PIs across several continents without being a bit more certain

@Frankensteinisamonster that's also a possibility, i'm not sure we are there. i mean, bluntly i do still love him and i don't know what i would do if this feeling proves to be true

@ICanHideButICantRun it wouldn't be massage parlours. it would be high end escorts. he can afford it.

he's definitely travelling, we're talking across several time zones, it would be really obvious if he wasn't on the west coast of the US, or in South Korea.

Anyway, i think all i can do is keep my ears and eyes open. He'll trip himself up. I think they always do.

OP posts:
tattygrl · 09/01/2023 17:32

Best of luck, OP. Whatever is going on, your gut is picking up on something. Trust yourself and look after yourself.

CornishGem1975 · 09/01/2023 20:11

I wouldn't dismiss the phone thing. I had an affair (I know, I know, don't come at me, I know it was wrong) and I wasn't secretive or protective over my phone because I kept nothing on there relating to it, and messages were all deleted immediately and we used a 'secret' email address. In fact, I was more open with my phone, so I didn't look like I was hiding anything.

Original poster
user1479383615 · 09/01/2023 22:02

@CornishGem1975 no judgement. this is much more likely than him having another phone. hiding in plain sight and all that

OP posts:
CornishGem1975 · 09/01/2023 22:05

@user1479383615 I hope you are wrong OP. But your spidey senses have been alerted so I think so as you've suggested, and keep your eyes and ears open. It's not something that can be hidden forever, like you say, he'll slip up eventually and if you're already suspicious, you'll spot it.

paintitallover · 09/01/2023 23:33

i made an (admittedly stupid) joke about having an affair, and his response was just off"

That is definitely suspicious.

Soonenough · 10/01/2023 10:50

You could be me OP . Travelled a lot too . I also had the sudden interest in grooming and yes yes to the different sex thing too. And he did have a secret phone - check his car . He only used it when he was away but got sloppy whilst home and I caught him . Turns out a whole secret life.
Trust your gut . My instinct knew something was off . I put it down to issues at work , depression, MLC . My mind never went to cheating as we were married a long time .
I am sorry that you are going through this . 😔

Ladybug14 · 10/01/2023 11:04

Sending you love, OP Flowers

80s · 10/01/2023 11:50

Which is another thing that makes me think, not an affair, he likes his life, he wouldn't like the financial sacrifice of separating.
They honestly think they're not going to get found out. And they are in denial that they're even having an affair. They don't have their rational mind switched on when they start it - and then once they've started it, they might as well continue.

Any other signs, such as

  • different "work hours" (whatever the explanation)
  • mentioning a new "work colleague" or similar
  • unexplained mood changes
  • new interests, e.g. buys a new book/watches a new TV series that "someone" recommended
  • unexpected tan
  • change in social media habits - new apps
  • negative about things you do/did that he was previously OK with
  • "not tired yet" when you go to bed so stays in another room
  • other excuses to be in a different place from you
  • not wanting to make plans
  • not joining in conversations, as if not part of the family
  • funny about you potentially tracking him, e.g. if you say you phoned his hotel or your friend is in the same town, or suggest sharing locations
rockingbird · 10/01/2023 11:57

I'm so sorry but a lot of what you've said in your original post is almost a carbon copy of my pie situation back then.. he was indeed having his cake and eating it. To the point he pretty much loved a double life. Check mobile phone bills - that told me a lot! Same numbers over and over. 2 affairs I knew of both overseas and it's very common apparently. We are no longer together. I hope I'm wrong 😌

rockingbird · 10/01/2023 12:06

Some terrible autocorrects there.. but you get my drift. There was a second phone, he bought new clothes, joined a gym.. how I never knew is beyond me! All the signs were there stacking up. Also unavailable to talk at certain times (because he was whacked up with someone else). I only found out when I hacked his iCloud whilst he was on a trip back overnight to his overseas workplace. I'll never forget those images downloading in front of me!! He got off the plane and panicked obviously. I changed all his passwords blocking him out whilst I gained shitloads of evidence. That was round one.. he came home begging form forgiveness, only to find out 4 months later there was another one living in a penthouse apartment out there that they shared together! I'm just about to take his sorry ass to the cleaners. 🙅‍♀️ my advice to you is say nothing, keep looking out for signs, if he sends pictures see if the location is turned on or off. Look for a second phone..

80s · 10/01/2023 12:06

My ex used to travel a lot for work too (before his affair), and like your dh, OP, started travelling more "for work". And we was travelling to other countries. But not always for work, and not to the countries he said. I believe he even kept and re-used old airport luggage tags to make me think he'd been to one country when he was in another.

80s · 10/01/2023 12:07

*he was travelling

nc1013 · 10/01/2023 12:09

CornishGem1975 · 09/01/2023 20:11

I wouldn't dismiss the phone thing. I had an affair (I know, I know, don't come at me, I know it was wrong) and I wasn't secretive or protective over my phone because I kept nothing on there relating to it, and messages were all deleted immediately and we used a 'secret' email address. In fact, I was more open with my phone, so I didn't look like I was hiding anything.

Exactly what my exH did

Soonenough · 10/01/2023 12:12

@80s Unexpected Tan !! Yes .

Chersfrozenface · 10/01/2023 12:21

80s · 10/01/2023 12:06

My ex used to travel a lot for work too (before his affair), and like your dh, OP, started travelling more "for work". And we was travelling to other countries. But not always for work, and not to the countries he said. I believe he even kept and re-used old airport luggage tags to make me think he'd been to one country when he was in another.

AFAIK airline luggage tags have dates on them. If tags are left on, it might be worth discreetly checking for a date.