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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP so rude to me whenever poorly/tired

69 replies

Pureshores · 09/01/2023 07:56

Been together 3 years and don't live together. I have a DC and DP has a DD (ill use DSD). DSD is 11 and currently has tonsillitis and has been really poorly. I've been texting consistently and concerned about her. She now has antibiotics. Anyway DP is the resident parent and hasn't had much sleep as been up in the night with DSD. However DP has just been constantly rude to me. I get DP is tired and has been concerned but I don't get why I'm being spoken to in a bad way when all I've been is comforting.

I went to visit my parents with DC and didn't look at my phone for 1 hour due to taking and playing with DC. DP got in a mood with me for not replying within 1 hour. I called yesterday evening to ask how they both were and checking in as DP had ignored my messages all afternoon asking how they were. DP said on the phone "I'm not ok, I'm tired but is there anything you can do, no!"
I expressed I just called to check in and felt they were being rude. Even after the call I was texting checking how things were. But I just feel when me or my DC is poorly I'm not rude and still ask questions about DP day and I'm pleasant.
This happens anytime DP or DSD is poorly/tired.

OP posts:
Xrays · 09/01/2023 07:57

Oh god he sounds awful. Thank goodness you don’t live together. He’s a controlling arsehole. I’d bin him.

LimeCheesecake · 09/01/2023 07:59

Throw this one back.

Original poster
Pureshores · 09/01/2023 07:59

Xrays · 09/01/2023 07:57

Oh god he sounds awful. Thank goodness you don’t live together. He’s a controlling arsehole. I’d bin him.

Would you say this is controlling

OP posts:
icelollycraving · 09/01/2023 08:01

Stop messaging so much. If he gets grumpy when tired, perhaps the messages are irritating him. Discuss it when he’s more himself.
It isn’t great but telling him right now will not help,

icelollycraving · 09/01/2023 08:02

As in, is he generally nice? If not, get rid. If he is, discuss.

Original poster
Pureshores · 09/01/2023 08:05

icelollycraving · 09/01/2023 08:01

Stop messaging so much. If he gets grumpy when tired, perhaps the messages are irritating him. Discuss it when he’s more himself.
It isn’t great but telling him right now will not help,

Well I can't seem to win tbh. If I don't message then I don't care apparently

OP posts:
Original poster
Pureshores · 09/01/2023 08:06

icelollycraving · 09/01/2023 08:02

As in, is he generally nice? If not, get rid. If he is, discuss.

Recently things have been good and better. I would say though that DP can get moody or I've felt they have been unsupportive. I had a big assessment last week and was diagnosed with something however I feel DP and DsD trumps me and DC so DP has hardly asked me how I am

OP posts:
KalvinPhillipsBoots · 09/01/2023 08:07

Another man child, stop running round messaging him, he is a parent and it's his child who is poorly, not him.

Xrays · 09/01/2023 08:08

Pureshores · 09/01/2023 07:59

Would you say this is controlling

Show quote history

Of course it is.

Been with two men exactly like this and it’s all about control. I now see it for what it is.

WhenDovesFly · 09/01/2023 08:08

Life is too short for this kind of drama. Don't assume it would be any better if you lived together. In fact it would probably be worse because your DC would be party to the moodiness too.

If your DP sulks if you don't text, and is moody if you do, then consider if you want this in your life OP. If it was me I'd be calling it quits and finding someone a bit more mature.

Original poster
Pureshores · 09/01/2023 08:17

Xrays · 09/01/2023 08:08

Of course it is.

Been with two men exactly like this and it’s all about control. I now see it for what it is.

Show quote history

Oh wow, ok. Don't know how I didn't see that it was controlling. Thinking back, I have had some silent treatment a few times...

OP posts:
EVHead · 09/01/2023 08:32

In these circumstances I would message twice a day to check on how they are.

If I got told off for not responding within an hour, I’d be messaging less. Fuck that shit - you’re a grown woman. Men don’t get to tell us how to be.

Changingplace · 09/01/2023 08:37

Double standards red flags all over this - why does he think you have to reply within an hour (even when you’re actually busy) but he can purposefully ignore you all he likes?

He sounds childish and hard work.

Bananalanacake · 09/01/2023 09:25

What are his good points.

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 09/01/2023 09:32

Bin him.

If he's like this when you don't live together can you imagine what hell it'd be living together?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/01/2023 09:43

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Silent treatment is an example of emotional abuse and abuse is about power and control.

Please end this relationship today and especially before you are further harmed by it. Its over anyway because of the abuse he metes out.

Original poster
Pureshores · 09/01/2023 09:56

When it's all low level stuff I guess you're like the frog in boiling water and don't see the bigger picture. I guess I'm seeing this from a different angle now.

I've tried to have a discussion this morning as DP has said they are annoyed at me for how I spoke to them last night. I reacted to DP rudeness by telling them I felt they were being rude when I had called to check in on them and they shitty behaviour continued so I said I was going to go. DP doesn't recognise the rudeness. They never do. Even admitted to me that they are always right and hate being told what to do by anyone and wants to do what they want to do.

Also yes major double standards. This has been a theme across the relationship and I guess has been my biggest frustration.

OP posts:
Xrays · 09/01/2023 10:38

Can I ask something gently - I’ve noticed you haven’t used “him” unless I’ve missed it, is DP a woman? You’ve used “they” throughout. I’m asking because quite often we recognise controlling behaviour far more quickly in men. Maybe it’s been easier to overlook because your dp is a woman perhaps? Just pondering. It makes no difference of course, as others have said abuse is abuse and this is definitely coercive type behaviour.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 09/01/2023 10:42

For the thousandth time I wonder "Why do women put up with this shit? WHY??!"

Why would you rush to comfort him when he's being an arsehole? Why would you allow him to send you shitty messages because you haven't looked at your phone for an hour? Just WHY?

LimeCheesecake · 09/01/2023 17:54

sorry just realised you don’t say DPs a man and I’ve just presumed. I think it should be the relationship makes you both feel happier than being single, yet neither of you seem to get the relationship you need.

As you aren’t even at the living together stage, why continue with this? Relationships should be easy in the early days and this seems overly stressful.

id call it a day. (But perhaps wait until DP and their dc are feeling better, not really kind to make someone deal with being dumped while also sick.)

Original poster
Pureshores · 10/01/2023 08:42

Dp ignored me yesterday and I stupidly asked if they were annoyed with me. They said yes and apparently I lack any empathy.
Even though I had constantly checked in to see if they were both OK. I then got blocked and then unblocked.
So I told DP I didn't want to speak to them.
Hours later I got sent a pic of DSD asleep on the sofa and a caption saying this is the worst.
It's so manipulative, I'm really angry and I think I'm going to end it.
I have been here before though and haven't ended it, just need to follow through with it.

Yes DP is a women

OP posts:
totallyoutnumbered · 10/01/2023 08:46

Pureshores · 10/01/2023 08:42

Dp ignored me yesterday and I stupidly asked if they were annoyed with me. They said yes and apparently I lack any empathy.
Even though I had constantly checked in to see if they were both OK. I then got blocked and then unblocked.
So I told DP I didn't want to speak to them.
Hours later I got sent a pic of DSD asleep on the sofa and a caption saying this is the worst.
It's so manipulative, I'm really angry and I think I'm going to end it.
I have been here before though and haven't ended it, just need to follow through with it.

Yes DP is a women

Just get out. This person is not your DP at all. She's a manipulative arsehole. You deserve significantly better x

Xrays · 10/01/2023 08:55

They sound horrible. Honestly you wouldn’t accept this from a friend would you so why from someone who’s supposed to love you? Dump.

Sparkletastic · 10/01/2023 09:00

So do the people who have replied see this any differently now they know the DP in question is a woman?

Xrays · 10/01/2023 09:02

Sparkletastic · 10/01/2023 09:00

So do the people who have replied see this any differently now they know the DP in question is a woman?

Nope. I’m the one who asked / suspected that the dp is a woman.

I do wonder if the op was more forgiving of her because she’s a woman though. We tend to be quicker to pick up when men are controlling and narcissistic than when it’s a woman.