Would you consider this abuse?

[Atterfield]

I ask because I’ve spent the last few weeks in therapy after feeling on the brink of suicide and I needed to get help.

I am due to give birth in 11 days. For the last two months my partner (or ex?!) has refused to speak to me. We had some awful arguments during pregnancy and it came to a head one week after a particularly shit argument, we both said things we didn’t mean (at least I know I didn’t mean my part). He changed locks when I got back from work, had left my belongings outside in four boxes, and refused to speak to me or explain why he had done this though obviously I assumed it was following the argument. I never considered it an argument that ended things.

I then waited for him to return from work the next day and when he arrived he literally walked past me and I begged him to talk. He carried on walking, wouldn’t acknowledge me. He then shoved past me into his flat and locked the door. I left and spent the next 6 weeks contacting him via email and text, saying I didn’t know what had happened, asking to talk and asking if we could at least discuss the baby. He didn’t reply to any of this, I was distraught and confused and begged him to let me know what he wanted to do about our baby and whether he wanted to be at the birth etc. Right before Christmas I received an email from him saying if I messaged again he was going to report me for harassing him and he had all the emails and texts to show for it. I felt pretty tricked into this as he could have said initially that he didn’t want me to contact him or could have blocked my number with ease or just had a conversation about the end of our relationship as the only moment I knew it was over was when boxes were left outside for me. Instead I had no closure at all and felt so vulnerable as I was heavily pregnant.

I spent the last week since new year in therapy and I’ve been told this is horrendous emotional abuse and rather than beating myself up about how or why we may have broken up, I should stay well away from such an awful man. I did not expect this and expected my therapist to say I had been unhinged and crazy and ultimately quite pathetic and needy. I’ve since researched this sort of treatment and it does indicate it’s abuse, however, I’m seeking validation here I suppose. Do you agree with my therapist? I still feel I’m to blame that I’m alone and my baby presumably now won’t know her dad. Please he honest. I don’t want anything sugar coated, I just want to try and make sense of the last few awful weeks.

Just not wanting to be with someone anymore is a perfectly reasonable reason for splitting up.

Especially when there have been frequent horrific rows.

No I wouldn't consider this abuse and I think a therapist needs to think very carefully before trying to convince someone into victimhood.

I do think he's been a complete shit about the way he decided to break up with you.

I think he has callously discarded you but in doing so, has proved that you've had a fortunate escape. It sounds as though he was making you thoroughly miserable. He is not a nice man.

to be clear, I wrote (ex?) because I was trying to express how out of the blue his actions were at the time he boxed things up. I’ve no desire AT ALL to reconcile but obviously would want to be civil for our daughter’s sake. The fact I don’t want ‘us’ back doesn’t mean I don’t go over what happened given we had a very happy relationship before this. I’m not trying to cling onto hope, I could never forgive what he’s done.

How were they out of the blue if you'd had frequent blazing rows?

@daybroke i guess I would always expect a conversation if you’re about to box up your pregnant partner’s belongings? In fact even without pregnancy I would expect a conversation? So that’s why I found it out of her blue. As I said the day before he was saying thank you for putting up with his behaviour. I had no idea 24 hours later he would then do what he did.

maybe in the past I had exceptionally nice partners, but none of them ever did that.

obviously would want to be civil for our daughter’s sake

This will only be possible if you are both willing and able to be civil. You will leave yourelf wide open to his bullshit, if you're being civil and he isn't.

He's not being civil right now. I'd hold absolutely zero hope of a new civil version of him turning up at some point. Beleive it when you see it, until then back yourself and your baby, he's firmly and clearly put himself on the outside of your new familly. You don't necessarily owe him civil at all or any cost.

But you and him rowed. A lot.

And those rows were at the heavy end of the scale.

Maybe he was abusive, maybe he was, maybe you both were or maybe you were just crap together.

He's entitled to reach the end of his tether.

I do think he should've given you time to organise where to go and pack up.

i guess I would always expect a conversation if you’re about to box up your pregnant partner’s belongings

He didn't do this because of some failing on your part. He did this because this is who he is, and if he can do this once, he will do it again. He doesn't give a hoot about you, or about the baby and the quicker you can cop on to that and save your energy for what's important, the better.

He doesn't need an inch more of your brain space. Save it.

@GreenManalishi thanks. I am trying, I’m just someone who needs to talk things over. I’m probably not as in a practical mess as it sounds here… I have birth plans for next week etc. Just mentally I go over it a lot, it’s hard to understand something I literally could never do. I would never ignore an ex who wanted answers… obviously if they kept on and on after I’d explained then that’s different. But not giving someone an explanation, especially when pregnant? He will have known what distress this has caused. An explanation wouldn’t change the practicality but it would help me stop spiralling about what I must have done

I wouldn't see it as abuse. He ended things, badly, but he ended it. You are chasing him and he doesn't want any contact or involvement with you.
It's shit, he could have handled it better, but you need to stop chasing him. Accept that you will be a single parent and focus on being the best role model and parent for your child. Don't let them grow up seeing you hanging on the coat tails of a crappy man who won't step up as a father.
It sounds like the break up was going to happen at some point if you have been arguing so much, and having a newborn wouldn't help the situation.
You're better off this happening now, than with a baby already in the mix, however crap it is.
Hope all goes well with the birth and you have other support from family and friends.

Is this the one where the OP thought the DP had been drink driving but he actually hadn't, and she threatened to report him to his job?

If this is the one I'm thinking of there's a lot more to it.

It's a strange time for any woman when you're so close to the birth, there's perhaps not much to occupy you practically so if you're a 'ruminative' type you can become obsessed in your thoughts. The crux is, as others have said

1. The relationship is ended
2. He doesn't want to be part of the baby's life and doesn't deserve to be
3. You can't change what he is, focus on being strong and well without him

An explanation wouldn’t change the practicality but it would help me stop spiralling about what I must have done

I totally hear, you. It's really tempting to want "closure" but in reality that isn't something someone else can give you, it's your call.

You're in a vulnerable position with probably more time to think than normal, and a big life changing event about to happen, and what has happened with him is overlaying this. You have pathways in your brain, that get deeper the more you think a thought, and yours are currently like a dog with a bone looking for something that isn't there.

If he gave you the "answer" or explanation you think you want, it wouldn't necessarily stop your brain spiralling, because the neural pathways are laid. A couple of words from him aren't they key, that's within your power, not his.