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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you consider this abuse?

89 replies

Atterfield · 08/01/2023 22:48

I ask because I’ve spent the last few weeks in therapy after feeling on the brink of suicide and I needed to get help.

I am due to give birth in 11 days. For the last two months my partner (or ex?!) has refused to speak to me. We had some awful arguments during pregnancy and it came to a head one week after a particularly shit argument, we both said things we didn’t mean (at least I know I didn’t mean my part). He changed locks when I got back from work, had left my belongings outside in four boxes, and refused to speak to me or explain why he had done this though obviously I assumed it was following the argument. I never considered it an argument that ended things.

I then waited for him to return from work the next day and when he arrived he literally walked past me and I begged him to talk. He carried on walking, wouldn’t acknowledge me. He then shoved past me into his flat and locked the door. I left and spent the next 6 weeks contacting him via email and text, saying I didn’t know what had happened, asking to talk and asking if we could at least discuss the baby. He didn’t reply to any of this, I was distraught and confused and begged him to let me know what he wanted to do about our baby and whether he wanted to be at the birth etc. Right before Christmas I received an email from him saying if I messaged again he was going to report me for harassing him and he had all the emails and texts to show for it. I felt pretty tricked into this as he could have said initially that he didn’t want me to contact him or could have blocked my number with ease or just had a conversation about the end of our relationship as the only moment I knew it was over was when boxes were left outside for me. Instead I had no closure at all and felt so vulnerable as I was heavily pregnant.

I spent the last week since new year in therapy and I’ve been told this is horrendous emotional abuse and rather than beating myself up about how or why we may have broken up, I should stay well away from such an awful man. I did not expect this and expected my therapist to say I had been unhinged and crazy and ultimately quite pathetic and needy. I’ve since researched this sort of treatment and it does indicate it’s abuse, however, I’m seeking validation here I suppose. Do you agree with my therapist? I still feel I’m to blame that I’m alone and my baby presumably now won’t know her dad. Please he honest. I don’t want anything sugar coated, I just want to try and make sense of the last few awful weeks.

OP posts:
daybroke · 09/01/2023 06:57

Unless we know who said what and what the arguments were about we can't know if it was abusive really.

If it was his flat and you weren't married he's entitled to ask you to leave any time. It's not a very palatable thing but once you'd split up, he didn't have to have you reside in his home any longer.

I wouldn't want a man staying in my home if we had split up is what I'm saying.

waynesworldpartytimeexcellent · 09/01/2023 07:00

You have posted about this this at least 10 times . All different usernames. All varying different accounts. Everyone told you to leave it over and over again and you are still spouting the same stuff to new people who have not read your previous posts. You have literally stalked him for months. Do you honestly think people don’t remember?

FawnFrenchieMum · 09/01/2023 07:16

I don’t know if it’s abuse or not, I’m also not sure it really matters. He’s ended it. Many woman on MN are told daily to end relationships that are not positives places to be.
He made it clear that he didn’t want contact yet you continued to message and call, again woman would be told to report a man that did that.
It’s not healthy going over and over it daily. It ultimately doesn’t matter if it’s abuse or not on either side. You’re no longer in a relationship. You’re not together. Concentrate on your baby and contact CMS as soon as you can.

Flowersinspringgrowwild · 09/01/2023 07:25

5128gap · 08/01/2023 23:12

I can't think of many things a woman could do in an argument that would justify her partner throwing her out of her home while pregnant with his child. Nor any justification for failing to respond to any of her messages, even those relating to the birth of his child, or checking on her wellbeing.
Ending a relationship and refusing contact is not in itself abusive, but this treatment of a woman pregnant with his child is inexcusable, and speaks volumes about who he is as a man.
I don't think you need to worry about the semantics of whether it's 'abuse' or not. It's awful behaviour however you label it, and you don't need someone like that in your life.

I agree with this. Op I would try and focus less on terminology and more in moving forwards and drawing a line. This guy is an utter scum bag. Wishing you all the best op, in many ways you might find it easier being on your own rather than having a scumbag man like him to deal with too. 💐

AnybodyAnywhere · 09/01/2023 07:36

He doesn’t want to be a Dad and the row was all the excuse he needed.

CMS, block him, forget him, get on with your life.

SugarAndSpiceIsNice · 09/01/2023 07:38

daretodenim · 09/01/2023 06:45

Lots of good advice.

Bottom line, hard as it is, focus on baby.

DO NOT let him come when you're in labour. He has NO RIGHT to see baby being born, which is actually you being incredibly vulnerable. Don't contact him to say you're in labour and tell the midwife you don't want him in there (because you really, really don't want him as a spectator). Who do you trust who can be there for you and be reliable?

And think very carefully if you want to put his name on the birth certificate. If you don't, you can choose to move wherever you want, put the child in whatever school you want, make decisions about any medical care the child may need in his/her life. If you put his name on, you may need to have to have him involved in these things. He's shown that not only does he not care about you, he doesn't care about the well-being of his future child. If he suddenly decides he cares, he can petition to get his name added to the certificate. Personally, I'd make him jump through some hoops to make sure he actually wants to be a father rather than fuck you around.

Focus on your future. This man is not worth your important energy right now. Give it to you and your baby's future.

Very good advice here. Please don't put him on the child's birth certificate and absolutely do not contact him again even to inform him of the child's birth. You do not want him around when you are very vulnerable.

limoncelloo · 09/01/2023 09:33

waynesworldpartytimeexcellent · 09/01/2023 07:00

You have posted about this this at least 10 times . All different usernames. All varying different accounts. Everyone told you to leave it over and over again and you are still spouting the same stuff to new people who have not read your previous posts. You have literally stalked him for months. Do you honestly think people don’t remember?

This

Somebatshitteryonhere · 09/01/2023 09:40

why are you calling him your partner and putting in brackets ex with a question mark?

my view is both have behaved badly. Him initially in the way he ended it by chucking uou out is beyond appalling.

But I don’t think it’s right to say you’d been tricked as he didn’t say you shouldn’t contact him or block him, to be honest, when it’s been six weeks of him ignoring all your messages and you physically that’s fairly obvious. It does feel like you contacted him a lot, which is in part understandable , it’s a shocking situation

the bottom line is it is over.

op cam I ask are you the poster who was threatening to report him to his employer etc before it even ended ?

BloodyHellHarry · 09/01/2023 09:50

rwalker · 09/01/2023 06:53

Sorry but from the moment he ended it you have harassed him
It was very extreme the way he did it but by the way you’ve behaved perhaps he had a reason

tbh your not going to get any help asking for advice on here
due to we’ve only got your side of things I’m sure he’d have a version of the same events

also default response on here is to blame the man

for your own sanity leave him alone build a new life for yourself

Sorry, but what twisted universe do you come from where putting a pregnant woman out on the street, changing the locks and dumping her possessions outside is in any way acceptable? This is his child! His child that he made homeless without a backward glance! What could his 'side' of the story possibly be that makes his actions ok?

daybroke · 09/01/2023 10:02

If it was his house he was perfectly entitled to put her out.

He should've given her notice and time, perhaps, but given that we don't know how bad the rows were and what exactly was said, I can understand why he might feel she had to leave right away.

baileys6904 · 09/01/2023 10:09

@BloodyHellHarry is it? Or does he have reason to believe its not his? Perhaps angry words could have cast doubt? But that 'side' of the story for sure would explain his actions. As would violence in the relationship. As would controlling or threatening behaviour ( such as stalking).

I'm not saying any of this did occur but there are a number of reasons that would explain his behaviour

Comtesse · 09/01/2023 10:54

Changing the locks on your heavily pregnant partner? He’s a low life.

Original poster
Atterfield · 09/01/2023 11:08

hi, not sure how to tag relevant posters all together but to try and answer a few questions…

the day before this happened he was thanking me for putting up with his behaviour and being patient. Someone mentioned something about his employer, I’d never mentioned his employer to him but as I’m trying to be very honest here, I did say I wanted to get in touch with his friends to see if they would great their partners how he was treating me… I guess that’s a threat? Does that make what he did ok? I’m genuinely trying to make sense of all this. The background to the rows was bouts of silent treatment from hun with no explanation, disappearing for hours a few evenings with no mention to me, so I was waiting and worried, going through my medical pregnancy letters and taking pictures of them and then most latterly getting so drunk after work he could not stand up which really upset me… I come from a conservative background (not a good thing I realise) but I didn’t know how to handle this and was extremely worried. These are a few examples of what led to me rowing with him. However, given he did what he did I feel I must have upset him massively and I beat myself up about it constantly as I just want to know why. Think I feel so guilty about the baby not having him there when she’s born etc and I hate myself for ending up in this situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Atterfield · 09/01/2023 11:09

*treat their partners !

OP posts:
Original poster
Atterfield · 09/01/2023 11:11

For instance I remember saying ‘I’m going to tell Ian (a friend) what you’re doing snd see what he makes of this towards me when pregnant’. I know it’s awful. Maybe that’s what pushed him to do what he did? I remember saying that exact sentence

OP posts:
daybroke · 09/01/2023 11:13

Look. As kindly as possible.

You need to move forward.

I wouldn't accept someone telling tells on me to a friend and I'd dump for that alone. It's not a healthy relationship dynamic - but the whole relationship was not healthy.

daybroke · 09/01/2023 11:16

*tales

Original poster
Atterfield · 09/01/2023 11:17

daybroke · 09/01/2023 11:13

Look. As kindly as possible.

You need to move forward.

I wouldn't accept someone telling tells on me to a friend and I'd dump for that alone. It's not a healthy relationship dynamic - but the whole relationship was not healthy.

@daybroke i understand about moving on but for me part of that process is trying to understand how it got to this. I know that’s not the same for others but it’s just how I am, I guess talking it over helps? I know not indefinitely but I still feel in the thick of it at the moment. Maybe it was that comment that did it, I never thought that was the worst thing so it’s helpful to hear that it may well have been.

OP posts:
daybroke · 09/01/2023 11:19

It got to this because the two of you weren't suited. Either he was abusive or you were or between the pair of you you were just crap together. That's it.

(Am autistic. Am aware my view might seem simplistic but you've a wee baby coming and that's such a fantastic good and exciting thing and that's where your focus needs to be)

KnitterNat · 09/01/2023 11:22

I remember your previous posts.

You need to stop framing this in terms of a relationship in which he is being abusive, and see instead that the relationship has ended. The fact that you say "partner or ex" is telling. He is your ex and the relationship is over. You need to try to stop analysing his behaviour, going over who is right or wrong etc., as it changes nothing- even if everyone agreed that he's treated you unfairly (and he probably has) that doesn't change the fact that the relationship is over. This protracted denial is not doing you any good at all.

Much better to look forward and plan for your future with your baby. Make a CMS application (he can't opt out of that). Decide who you want with you in labour, as he will not be there. Do not put him on the birth certificate or give the child his name. You can build a great life but it has to start with acknowledging that this relationship has ended- until you can do that, you cannot move forwards.

Good luck with it all.

beastlyslumber · 09/01/2023 11:23

Yes, he was abusive towards you. No one should treat anyone the way he's treated you. It sounds like there's been a lot of emotional abuse from him throughout your relationship. The real question is why you are looking to blame yourself. Do you really think anything you could do would mean you deserve this treatment?

Your ex abused you because he is abusive. He would have abused any woman he was in a relationship with.

You need to realise you've had a lucky escape. Focus on healing and your new baby. You're well rid of this horrible man.

Yeahrightthen · 09/01/2023 11:31

I feel for you op, his treatment of you in probably the most vulnerable part of your life is completely heartless.

I think he obviously isn’t ready to be a father and didn’t want this baby and has used the argument as his reason to end things and cut you off. Very convenient for him.

As hard as it is now at least he has shown his true colours (which often come out in times of change and stress) and you can now take steps to move on and prepare to be a single parent.

I wouldn’t entertain ideas of ever going back to him even if he came grovelling. He will kick you to the kerb and cut you off anytime things don’t go his way. Listen to your therapist - they sound like they are giving you some home truths. The fact you think you deserve this treatment for shouting and calling him a bastard suggest you have been brainwashed for some time into questioning yourself and being made to feel like the one at fault. The fact he can’t seem to take any form of criticism and cuts you off along with his subsequent treatment of you sounds very like a narcissist to me.

What do his family/friends think, if anything?

Lindtcat · 09/01/2023 11:32

Stop contacting this awful man, stop harping on what happened before and what he said, all you have to do is look at how he's treating you now. You're pregnant with his child and he doesn't care how you feel. No one wants to be a single parent but it's better than dealing with this, don't put your child through a life time of this. You're due to have your baby very soon, you need to focus and being calm and prepared for what's about to be a big change in your life. Don't put him on the birth certificate. Take care of yourself, in time you will see this man was not the man for you.

GreenManalishi · 09/01/2023 11:34

There's nothing he can say that will be of any help to you. He is telling you everything you need to know, by his behaviour. He is showing you very very clearly where is at. Do yourself a favour and stop looking for anything from this waste of space, he's incapable of anything more.

There has obviously been mud slung both ways, but ultimately, he's out. You don't need a letter or a conversation to tell you that, it's very clear.

You can take back some contol and stop looking to him to fix this, and concentrate on setting yourself up for the birth of the baby and finding as much support as you can elsewhere.

Your therapist is not biased. She's not being paid to tell you what you want to hear, she's trying to support you objectively, believe her.

I would also, whatever you do, even if you feel it will leave the door open for the future, or be the right thing to do, or a gesture of unification, whatever, do not put him on the birth certificate. It will give him parental responsiblity for the rest of the childs life and he can blow in at any moment and cause you unending worlds of hassle. Don't do it.

Yeahrightthen · 09/01/2023 11:35

The fact that you say "partner or ex" is telling. He is your ex and the relationship is over. You need to try to stop analysing his behaviour, going over who is right or wrong etc., as it changes nothing- even if everyone agreed that he's treated you unfairly (and he probably has) that doesn't change the fact that the relationship is over. This protracted denial is not doing you any good at all.

also this.

Going over and over this and hoping for a reconciliation isn’t doing you any good, it’s just prolonging your ordeal. He probably won’t ever explain or give you reasons because he doesn’t have any viable ones other than he just doesn’t want to be with you anymore - and he knows that is a feeble excuse. Better to leave you hanging and analysing the situation and wondering what you do wrong.

Narcissists often do this - they can’t bear to be at fault so just cut people off without explanation.

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