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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you consider this abuse?

89 replies

Atterfield · 08/01/2023 22:48

I ask because I’ve spent the last few weeks in therapy after feeling on the brink of suicide and I needed to get help.

I am due to give birth in 11 days. For the last two months my partner (or ex?!) has refused to speak to me. We had some awful arguments during pregnancy and it came to a head one week after a particularly shit argument, we both said things we didn’t mean (at least I know I didn’t mean my part). He changed locks when I got back from work, had left my belongings outside in four boxes, and refused to speak to me or explain why he had done this though obviously I assumed it was following the argument. I never considered it an argument that ended things.

I then waited for him to return from work the next day and when he arrived he literally walked past me and I begged him to talk. He carried on walking, wouldn’t acknowledge me. He then shoved past me into his flat and locked the door. I left and spent the next 6 weeks contacting him via email and text, saying I didn’t know what had happened, asking to talk and asking if we could at least discuss the baby. He didn’t reply to any of this, I was distraught and confused and begged him to let me know what he wanted to do about our baby and whether he wanted to be at the birth etc. Right before Christmas I received an email from him saying if I messaged again he was going to report me for harassing him and he had all the emails and texts to show for it. I felt pretty tricked into this as he could have said initially that he didn’t want me to contact him or could have blocked my number with ease or just had a conversation about the end of our relationship as the only moment I knew it was over was when boxes were left outside for me. Instead I had no closure at all and felt so vulnerable as I was heavily pregnant.

I spent the last week since new year in therapy and I’ve been told this is horrendous emotional abuse and rather than beating myself up about how or why we may have broken up, I should stay well away from such an awful man. I did not expect this and expected my therapist to say I had been unhinged and crazy and ultimately quite pathetic and needy. I’ve since researched this sort of treatment and it does indicate it’s abuse, however, I’m seeking validation here I suppose. Do you agree with my therapist? I still feel I’m to blame that I’m alone and my baby presumably now won’t know her dad. Please he honest. I don’t want anything sugar coated, I just want to try and make sense of the last few awful weeks.

OP posts:
daybroke · 08/01/2023 23:11

I ignored him because I didn't want to poke him or give him hope. Engaging is feeding someone like he is and I didn't want to do that (just explaining my situation)

Original poster
Atterfield · 08/01/2023 23:12

Thisisworsethananticpated · 08/01/2023 23:08

Oh Jesus

you lost your hormonal shit in a row, we’ve all done that darling

he changes the locks ?? Not he’s a total vile human being with nothing to redeem him
and then ignores when you have his child IN YOUR BODY

please get help
listen to therapist
call womens aid , please

the sooner you realise he’s a very very bad egg the better

@Thisisworsethananticpated I have come to terms with it being over for good, I could never be close with him in any way after this. I guess I’m quite a sensitive person (not in a good way I don’t think) and this has really hit me hard. I hate having any animosity with anyone and I can’t bear it with my baby’s dad. I’d do anything to understand why he did this and to at least apologise to him and try to draw a line and move on as parents. As it stands he has cut me off entirely and I have no idea what his plans are with our baby and that in itself is making me so anxious as I approach the birth.

OP posts:
5128gap · 08/01/2023 23:12

I can't think of many things a woman could do in an argument that would justify her partner throwing her out of her home while pregnant with his child. Nor any justification for failing to respond to any of her messages, even those relating to the birth of his child, or checking on her wellbeing.
Ending a relationship and refusing contact is not in itself abusive, but this treatment of a woman pregnant with his child is inexcusable, and speaks volumes about who he is as a man.
I don't think you need to worry about the semantics of whether it's 'abuse' or not. It's awful behaviour however you label it, and you don't need someone like that in your life.

Ell95 · 08/01/2023 23:13

He sounds like an immature self absorbed arsehole! He will want to know when the baby is here! Then you can ignore him! The immature twatty little prick

daybroke · 08/01/2023 23:14

Sweetheart you need to plan to be a single parent. You should go to CMS.

Original poster
Atterfield · 08/01/2023 23:15

daybroke · 08/01/2023 23:11

I ignored him because I didn't want to poke him or give him hope. Engaging is feeding someone like he is and I didn't want to do that (just explaining my situation)

@daybroke i can see that absolutely, but given I am weeks from birth I think he may have considered I wanted some sort of explanation and clearing of the air. He will always be the baby’s father and how he could leave me to give birth alone while feeling so confused by all this… i just don’t get it. I don’t think it’s as simple as an ex pestering because they want to get back together, I’m not sure I ever even wanted that. It seems so dysfunction and childish to act like the mother of your child doesn’t exist. I will never understand it will I. I don’t know what I will tell our baby.

OP posts:
Pixiedust1234 · 08/01/2023 23:15

He obviously couldn't take anymore of the arguments and decided enough was enough. It does depend on what the arguments were about but this doesn't sound like he was abusive.

Chasing him and messaging him wasn't a good idea after the first few times considering he didn't reply to them.

Your therapist should be helping you to move on and give you coping strategies to be a strong single women and mother Flowers

daybroke · 08/01/2023 23:16

You tell the baby it didn't work out with you and their dad but you love them. And you claim whatever you're entitled to via CMS.

Original poster
Atterfield · 08/01/2023 23:17

5128gap · 08/01/2023 23:12

I can't think of many things a woman could do in an argument that would justify her partner throwing her out of her home while pregnant with his child. Nor any justification for failing to respond to any of her messages, even those relating to the birth of his child, or checking on her wellbeing.
Ending a relationship and refusing contact is not in itself abusive, but this treatment of a woman pregnant with his child is inexcusable, and speaks volumes about who he is as a man.
I don't think you need to worry about the semantics of whether it's 'abuse' or not. It's awful behaviour however you label it, and you don't need someone like that in your life.

@5128gap i am trying to remember all the things I said. I was very upset he had been drinking and said he would be a rubbish dad if he continued that, I swore at him. I wasn’t very nice at all, I was at rock bottom with his behaviour and in honesty it’s best we are apart but I just cannot understand the way he cut me off when we have a baby. And when I am so close to birth. It’s caused me so much stress.

OP posts:
SunflowerTed · 08/01/2023 23:18

He has been harsh but it sounds a very dysfunctional relationship with abuse on both sides. I’d block him and move on. The last thing you want is a caution for harassment

Original poster
Atterfield · 08/01/2023 23:18

Pixiedust1234 · 08/01/2023 23:15

He obviously couldn't take anymore of the arguments and decided enough was enough. It does depend on what the arguments were about but this doesn't sound like he was abusive.

Chasing him and messaging him wasn't a good idea after the first few times considering he didn't reply to them.

Your therapist should be helping you to move on and give you coping strategies to be a strong single women and mother Flowers

@Pixiedust1234 i think had there been no baby I would be able to accept this and understand it. It just feels so crass and awful to not speak to the other parent if your child and that’s what’s getting to me I think. I would be able to be civil and I can’t understand why he wouldn’t want that too.

OP posts:
RoseslnTheHospital · 08/01/2023 23:21

You don't need to apologise to him. You don't need any explanation from him. You know what happened - you had an argument (from what you've said here and on previous threads you didn't say anything horrific to him at all), and he then showed his true colours by instantly changing the locks and putting your stuff outside in boxes. Personally I think you'd had a lucky escape. New babies are notoriously stressful, tiring and challenging. Would he have done the same if you were a week post partum and with a one week old baby??? Better before hand so you can plan for just you and your baby.

daybroke · 08/01/2023 23:22

You want to be civil.

He doesn't.

You can't change that. I'm sorry.

Original poster
Atterfield · 08/01/2023 23:24

daybroke · 08/01/2023 23:22

You want to be civil.

He doesn't.

You can't change that. I'm sorry.

@daybroke for the sake of the innocent baby in this, we should be civil to each other. I cannot understand such animosity, it’s genuinely beyond me. I hope I can shut him out of my life when I feel stronger, it’s hard right now.

OP posts:
yorkshirepudsx · 08/01/2023 23:27

Yes this is abusive,

Regardless of the argument, everybody argues, there was no need for him to behave like this

You're hormonal and will be going through a lot mentally too now, be easy on yourself!
I just wouldn't contact him, you've tried!

If he can do this to his pregnant partner, he could do this to you with a baby too, I know it's shitty but it's better to get away from him now rather than with a baby,
My friend was kicked out and her ex changed the locks when her little girl was 6 days old, she was having to sleep on friends and family members sofas for 4 months until she got a house 😥xx

yorkshirepudsx · 08/01/2023 23:29

And with my friend, her ex was very very nasty towards her, wouldn't speak to her etc, it wasn't until her little one was 18 months he started talking to her in a civil manner, little one is now almost 3, her ex sees little one occasionally, but my friend is in a really good place. She's got a lovely job, lovely house and an amazing partner who's really supportive and treats the little one like his own,
Her ex still has random episodes of rage and not talking to her for months, she just leaves him to it, he won't change x

barmycatmum · 08/01/2023 23:31

Yep, it’s abusive. I cannot believe the people in this thread who are siding with the scum. He’s a lowlife to treat you like this.
do you want your child knowing this horrible person? He’s likely to continue the stonewalling out of the blue , and that is deeply harmful and traumatic.

as for “harassment,” legally there are steps. He has to have communicated with you to ask you to cease, THEN if you kept going, he would have something to bring to the police.

He’s just threatening and bullying you if he didn’t clearly ask you to stop contacting him - that’s the first thing the police will ask: “where is your request that she stop?” and he will have to prove it.

the best way to balance the scales here is to never, ever contact this person again, (aside from through a representative to get support.)

if someone wants to live the rest of their lives without you, they deserve exactly that - with a f*cking vengeance.

daybroke · 08/01/2023 23:33

as for “harassment,” legally there are steps. He has to have communicated with you to ask you to cease, THEN if you kept going, he would have something to bring to the police.

This isn't true.

Blueglazzier · 08/01/2023 23:37

Poor love I feel your pain loss and confusion, at this time you feel your world has collapsed and life may feel so dreadful , the world you thought you had has gone and can never come back , it will be very different now and you may feel you don't want it this way because of your fear and pain , but one day my darling girl you will look back and be glad this unkind man is not permanently or at all in your life , you have had a lucky escape , you won't feel this now but you will , one day in your beautiful future , one day when you smile looking into your baby's eyes , you will be glad you no longer need want or feel a tiny bit of connection to him . Believe me , I'm one who truly knows . Now you must start to see the future you wish for you and your sweet child , plan it in your mind and visualise yourself strong happy and independent. He would never have been someone to lean on or truly loved you , for he would not treat you this way if he did . Walk on , hold your head high , love yourself , adore your baby . Get the help suggested here. Had I done this when a young girl many years ago life would have been better and kinder . You deserve better , never ever settle for second best, ever . Best wishes , have a good life , don't wish him back in your life . ❤️

TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 08/01/2023 23:43

Sounds to me that he was engineering the arguments to break up as he doesn't want to be a dad.

gamerchick · 09/01/2023 06:29

TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 08/01/2023 23:43

Sounds to me that he was engineering the arguments to break up as he doesn't want to be a dad.

Definitely seems to be something as simple as that. You probably didn't do anything wrong so he can't meet you and give you the closure you are craving.

Concentrate on the coming birth, make sure you have people around you and put in for child support. He doesn't deserve another tear OP.

Shoxfordian · 09/01/2023 06:39

Sounds like a toxic relationship anyway when you’re arguing like that. He’s your ex op: your post still says partner ? - there’s no ? about it, he chucked you out and won’t contact you- he’s your ex and you need to move on. Don’t put his name on the birth certificate, don’t give the child his surname (obviously) and let him go to court if he wants anything to do with your child.

daretodenim · 09/01/2023 06:45

Lots of good advice.

Bottom line, hard as it is, focus on baby.

DO NOT let him come when you're in labour. He has NO RIGHT to see baby being born, which is actually you being incredibly vulnerable. Don't contact him to say you're in labour and tell the midwife you don't want him in there (because you really, really don't want him as a spectator). Who do you trust who can be there for you and be reliable?

And think very carefully if you want to put his name on the birth certificate. If you don't, you can choose to move wherever you want, put the child in whatever school you want, make decisions about any medical care the child may need in his/her life. If you put his name on, you may need to have to have him involved in these things. He's shown that not only does he not care about you, he doesn't care about the well-being of his future child. If he suddenly decides he cares, he can petition to get his name added to the certificate. Personally, I'd make him jump through some hoops to make sure he actually wants to be a father rather than fuck you around.

Focus on your future. This man is not worth your important energy right now. Give it to you and your baby's future.

NalaNana · 09/01/2023 06:48

I don't feel like I know enough about it to know if it's abusive - abruptly ending a relationship and not responding to messages doesn't seem abusive to me (indeed LTB and never look back is often advised on here!) but it does seem unnecessarily cruel especially given you are pregnant and had a long term relationship.

That said it's clear he doesn't want contact right now. Is it possible that he feels you are using the baby as leverage to ignite conversation? I.e you didn't get a response to your messages about the relationship and then started on the baby? I'm really not trying to be insensitive here I'm also pregnant and it's an awful situation to find yourself in, I'm just shocked that someone would ignore messages about their child's birth for seemingly no reason.

You seem keen on him having contact with the baby once it's here, could you contact his mum/sibling once baby has arrived and ask them to let him know? He might be avoiding contact until baby is here and hoping he can have a relationship with it outside the relationship that he has with you.

Wishing you all the best x

rwalker · 09/01/2023 06:53

Sorry but from the moment he ended it you have harassed him
It was very extreme the way he did it but by the way you’ve behaved perhaps he had a reason

tbh your not going to get any help asking for advice on here
due to we’ve only got your side of things I’m sure he’d have a version of the same events

also default response on here is to blame the man

for your own sanity leave him alone build a new life for yourself

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