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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Was I in the wrong? Husband in a huff obviously feels wronged

85 replies

BiscottiBiscotti · 08/01/2023 15:21

for context we’ve both been I’ll since Christmas and are feeling a bit cooped up. Feeling a bit better and we’re taking dog for a walk with her in back of car.

I asked him how he was and semi joking said how’s the sex drive and he sai’oh that’s gone for ever’. I said that sounded a bit harsh to say it’s gone for ever., he said that’s not what he’d said, I said ‘it was exactly what you said’. So he slammed the brakes on, and thrust his head at me saying ‘just hit me then, why don’t you just beat me up?’

I just got out the car and went for a walk on my own. I was back about an hour later and he’s said 2 words and now gone out to see his family.

he’s got form for slamming the brakes on in The car when he’s stressed or frustrated or angry. Sometimes on quite busy roads.

I thought I was doing the right thing by just leaving him to it as he obviously wasn’t best chuffed with me,

OP posts:
HaveYouSeenNancy · 08/01/2023 17:07

I'd love op to come back and say her husband isn't british.

Sandra1984 · 08/01/2023 17:07

Antst · 08/01/2023 17:00

@Sandra1984, yup. It's common knowledge. It drives me to despair that so many women I know in the UK behave like the ones here and entrench themselves in denial. There are very real problems with parenting and particularly when it comes to raising girls who know who to avoid. It's incredibly sad and frustrating to watch.

I agree, I’ve lived in different countries, dated many men from different cultures and now in the UK for 6 years. One of the thing that always shocked me about British men is their drinking, their immaturity, the awful way they treat women and how women normalise it. Boggles my mind.

going back on topic this sounds like a case of mismatched libidos gone wrong and two people with a cold not going through their proudest moment. That pulling the brakes thing is scary and very aggressive. Other ways to resolving issues that don’t involve endangering those in the road.

PinkSyCo · 08/01/2023 17:07

Antst · 08/01/2023 17:02

@PinkSyCo, another great candidate for taking one off the market! You sound just as lovely as the people in this situation!

Nope I’d rather remain single thanks, but it is a bit rich that you single out British men as bad eggs when a quick search tells me that two non British men in your life aren’t exactly saints.

saveforthat · 08/01/2023 17:08

Bettyboop3 · 08/01/2023 16:42

Of course, every single man who is British behaves like this. If this comment was made about any other culture you would be called out, quite rightly, for being racist but nobody else has even cimmented on your post.

Show quote history

I was just about to say exactly the same thing Betty. Sick of everything/everyone British being bad. Other countries do not insult their homeland and people in this way. Some British men are immature, many are not.

Antst · 08/01/2023 17:09

@Sandra1984, I don't even know where to begin with the situation in this thread. Two people who have no concept of what's important and how to identify and solve problems. Poor impulse control, maybe. I'm throwing up my hands!

JudgeRudy · 08/01/2023 17:09

Yes, that in itself is a provocative question. Is it supposed to be flirtatious as in l'm up for it if you are? Or is it accusations as in l expect you'll be pestering for sex now.

Antst · 08/01/2023 17:10

@PinkSyCo, a "quick search"? Interesting you're OK with admitting in public you've trawled through to dig up dirt you can use to deflect and minimize. Go right ahead. I won't respond. You don't know what you're talking about and your attitude says it all, really.

Lucinda86 · 08/01/2023 17:10

Red flag.

Bettyboop3 · 08/01/2023 17:13

Antst · 08/01/2023 17:10

@PinkSyCo, a "quick search"? Interesting you're OK with admitting in public you've trawled through to dig up dirt you can use to deflect and minimize. Go right ahead. I won't respond. You don't know what you're talking about and your attitude says it all, really.

You sound very rude whatever your nationality happens to be. Hope you're not living in Britain when you clearly hate at least 50% of the population

Bettyboop3 · 08/01/2023 17:14

saveforthat · 08/01/2023 17:08

I was just about to say exactly the same thing Betty. Sick of everything/everyone British being bad. Other countries do not insult their homeland and people in this way. Some British men are immature, many are not.

Show quote history

Maybe this isn't her homeland. I kind of hope not!

Antst · 08/01/2023 17:16

@Bettyboop3, if you don't want to hear opinions, maybe reconsider reading them? If you have to deflect away from whatever a topic is and shoot the messenger, you've lost the point. Feel very welcome to ignore my posts so you don't have to see anything you don't agree with and good luck!

Bettyboop3 · 08/01/2023 17:17

Antst · 08/01/2023 17:16

@Bettyboop3, if you don't want to hear opinions, maybe reconsider reading them? If you have to deflect away from whatever a topic is and shoot the messenger, you've lost the point. Feel very welcome to ignore my posts so you don't have to see anything you don't agree with and good luck!

🤣🤣🤣

daisychain01 · 08/01/2023 17:25

the sex thing is because I knew he was pissed off we haven’t shagged since before we got this cold/virus. So I was trying to be a bit light about it but it is a trigger for us rowing and i shouldn’t have said anything.

There you go, you're right - there's a time and a place to ask that kind of question, and in the car with your DH driving, was poor timing imo.

when I read that, I have to admit I winced on your DHs behalf. It sounded cruel, no matter how light hearted you intended it to be.

believe me I'm not judging, I'm a past master (or mistress) at putting my foot in it. Perhaps having done stuff like that in the past and reflected on my own behaviour, I've come to realise that a successful marriage includes knowing when to say stuff and when to button it Grin

It sounds like you're both on a low ebb atm with bugs, Christmas, midwinter blues etc so probably best to make allowances for each other, ride the storm and pick your timing and battles!

catfunk · 08/01/2023 17:33

Driving dangerously to intimidate and punish you is abusive behaviour.
You were goading him too.
Sounds like you're a very poor match and should call it a day tbh.

PinkSyCo · 08/01/2023 17:33

Antst · 08/01/2023 17:10

@PinkSyCo, a "quick search"? Interesting you're OK with admitting in public you've trawled through to dig up dirt you can use to deflect and minimize. Go right ahead. I won't respond. You don't know what you're talking about and your attitude says it all, really.

I was just interested in finding out where it is that you and all the perfect men live, with a view to maybe holidaying there and nabbing one for myself. What’s wrong with that?

piedbeauty · 08/01/2023 17:37

If I asked my h how his sex drive was, he'd reply like a sensible person, not throw a tantrum. Your h was totally U.

And the slamming the brakes on when driving - abusive and bloody dangerous. Don't put up with that.

How is the rest of your relationship?

Frith2013 · 08/01/2023 17:40

I'd never let him drive me anywhere ever again.

What a prick.

Snoken · 08/01/2023 17:53

Indeed, what a prick!

I do agree with PP though about British men being in particularly immature and really bad at handling most feelings. I have not met every man in every country, but I have lived in 5 different countries and the British men definitely stand out in that regards. I have heard so many nasty stories from friends in the UK about stuff their DHs do, which is very different to my friends where I'm from or the other countries I've lived. I wonder if it's to do with the stiff upper lip attitude. There is just no release until they explode and do completely moronic things.

Choconut · 08/01/2023 18:28

I'm confused, if he's pissed of because you haven't had sex recently as you've been ill why are you asking him how his sex drive is? Surely his is fine, it's yours that he thinks is the problem?

He sounds like an arse to me, sulky and entitled because you don't want sex when you're ill, has a history of blowing up and acting childishly, plays the victim, drives dangerously to punish you when you say things he doesn't like, says strange things about hitting him - part of him always wanting to be the victim no doubt.

My advice would be don't apologise, you're just feeding his victim narrative. You need to get to the bottom of this. Why did you ask that question? What prompted it, there's obviously something going on there for you that you being 'funny' about because you don't know how to tackle it. Why is this a trigger point for him? I would think there is a big problem with your sex life here in one way or another that neither of you can talk about and that is what needs to happen - perhaps with the help of a counsellor.

Please, please stop apologising and feeding his victim narrative though. There was only one person who acted dangerously here and to try and blame you in any way for that is just victim blaming - you should be able to say anything you like without him punishing you by putting your life in danger or making you feel unsafe.

GrumpyPanda · 08/01/2023 18:34

@Mari9999
The simple solution to the car situation may be to not speak to him when he is driving.

No. The simple as well as obvious solution would be to never get in the car again if he's at the steering wheel. If he can't be trusted nit to behave in a violent and borderline abusive manner, then the one remaining adult in the family ought to do the driving.

daisychain01 · 08/01/2023 18:57

If I asked my h how his sex drive was, he'd reply like a sensible person, not throw a tantrum. Your h was totally U.

it's great your DH is the paragon of virtue - this is one of the rare threads where Id like to know the DHs IRL perspective.

layladomino · 08/01/2023 19:14

I'm confused by the (frankly racist) comments about British men. Like those who commented, I can't pretend to know EVERY British man, but I have been married twice, dated several others, and been friends with or worked with a good number of them in my time (and I'm quite old). I have no understanding at all of this 'generally immature' label. I think some people are either very unlucky or just racist.

Anyway. I think the Op was asking for advice not unhelpful generalising comments, so moving on.....

baileys6904 · 08/01/2023 19:20

@Antst can you not see how generalising a gender based on nothing other than nationality is discrimination and single-minded. If you want to write off a whole nation then crack on, but you are missing out on some absolute gems of human beings. Wierdly though, they're not usually spoken about ON A FORUM ABOUT RELATIONSHIP ISSUES....

Herejustforthisone · 08/01/2023 20:11

Don’t apologise. His reaction was insane.

ImBlueDab · 08/01/2023 20:22

How are you picking at him? You asked him how he's feeling, you made a joke, he responded then flipped out. That's hardly picking