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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Men and Sex, are they all like this?

66 replies

QueenConsort · 08/01/2023 15:00

I am single at the moment and have done quite a but of dating.

One thing that really gets to me is I always show men how I like things doing but 90% just ignore it and carry on as they were.

I don't understand, I think I'd rather be told if my partner preferred something different ( ie not being so rough) rather than pretended it was enjoyable.

Do you normally communicate your wants and do they actually listen?

OP posts:
YRGAM · 08/01/2023 15:09

I think there are a few aspects of this:

  • sexual feedback wounds some men's pride as they make being good in bed part of their identity
  • some men are a bit pornified and think women have to be dominated/taken control of in the bedroom (seeing as you mention rough)
  • some men are too focused on penetration and think they need to hammer away to make an encounter enjoyable

It's a shame they're not paying attention when you point it out though

YRGAM · 08/01/2023 15:10

I think there are a few aspects of this:

  • sexual feedback wounds some men's pride as they make being good in bed part of their identity
  • some men are a bit pornified and think women have to be dominated/taken control of in the bedroom (seeing as you mention rough)
  • some men are too focused on penetration and think they need to hammer away to make an encounter enjoyable

It's a shame they're not paying attention when you point it out though

Original poster
QueenConsort · 08/01/2023 15:12

It's the foreplay they are too rough with. I understand when it's new they might not know as all women vary but that's why I say. The most recent one just ignored me saying please go softer and even me showing him and was rubbing so hard thought he was going to start a fire.

I just lose interest after them not paying any attention, I've found this is the case with about 90 percent men I've slept with.

Is there any hope?

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Original poster
QueenConsort · 08/01/2023 15:13

Maybe they think they know best and don't like feedback

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fdgdfgdfgdfg · 08/01/2023 15:27

I've found women to be just as bad on this. Think they're god's gift to blowjobs when it's absolutely rubbish, but don't take onboard any feedback and get deeply offended when you offer any.

I've always tried to listen to what women tell me they enjoy, however I've been with the same partner for 15 years now. I reckon the habit there is pretty ingrained now so it'd take a while to "de-program" if I did end up with someone new There'd likely be a period of time where I'm doing the wrong thing because my muscle memory is trying to get the wrong person off.

linak · 08/01/2023 15:28

You should always communicate your wants and those should always be respected. Now, if one hears the feedback but won't listen and even if they listen they don't change, it could be that they're putting their needs (e.g being rough) ahead of yours. If you notice they're like that, don't waste your time. If you're busy with those who aren't ready to listen then you won't meet those who are

Original poster
QueenConsort · 08/01/2023 15:31

That's true.

I guess I just wonder if I'm doing something wrong maybe saying so early, should I just pretend for a while....

I'm not willing to do that though, I ask them what they like as well and take note.

This had just happened so much with men I've met, nor sure if they're offended and just think I should be quiet 🤫

Surely they would want to be told rather than have someone pretend.

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Original poster
QueenConsort · 08/01/2023 15:32

It is always the same issue too, asking them to be softer and even moving their hand to show them.

It's always ignored as they get more excited.

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Deadringer · 08/01/2023 15:36

If someone was being too rough or heavy headed with me I would say stop right away. No way would I let them hammer away at my most sensitive areas. I would listen to them and expect the same curtsey in return. Probably why its ages since I had sex.

Thighlengthboots · 08/01/2023 15:38

There was a discussion about this recently with people insisting you communicate your needs but this is the entire problem! Many of us have done that and nothing changes. I don’t get it at all- with a new partner surely you’d want to know what turns them on- why even bother listening to it if you’re just going to completely ignore it? I’ve experienced this a number of times and it baffles me. Everyone is different and so we all find different things sexy, so surely it’s helpful to be told (in an appropriate manner of course) what that person likes. Then those people wonder why others don’t consider them good in bed!

(this applies to both men and women of course but I’ve only slept with men so I can only go on what I’ve personally experienced and have noticed that a lot of men do this).

KILM · 08/01/2023 15:40

This appears to be a common problem across genders - especially since a lot of people seem to hear 'yes, that's good' (or variations of...) as PLEASE SPEED UP AND HIT IT LIKE A PEDESTRIAN CROSSING BUTTON.

Some people just don't listen, or they are so focused on the goal they don't realise that the journey is the whole point!

Original poster
QueenConsort · 08/01/2023 15:41

boots yes, you have articulated the issue perfectly. Plus men are almost guaranteed to enjoy it, it's different with women.

I give up, it's not easy to tell them but I think it's better to but when they just ignore it what's the point.

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linak · 08/01/2023 15:41

You're not doing anything wrong for saying early, it's never too early to find out if your date will be a good sexual partner! I sometimes talked to dates about sexual preferences well before having sex. A good partner would never be cool with you pretending you like something that you don't, but a bad partner will surely not care if you're pretending or enjoying yourself or not

Original poster
QueenConsort · 08/01/2023 15:44

This is the first one in 2 years, I don't do it much!

The one 2 years ago was telling me all woman can squirt, I said I can't. He thought he knew better.

Just listen to women for Christ's sake, it's our bodies I've had mine 40 years so I know what works.

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Original poster
QueenConsort · 08/01/2023 15:44

The one 2 years ago I had discussed before sex so I assumed he'd taken note. Yet again just being super rough.

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Original poster
QueenConsort · 08/01/2023 15:52

And yes KILM occasionally they start of soft but as soon as they sense you're enjoying it they just up the speed / roughness! Pelican crossing lol.

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Thighlengthboots · 08/01/2023 16:15

Porn has a lot to answer for. Men see women fake screaming in ecstasy after 3 mins of jackhammering with little to no foreplay and then think that’s what women want. It’s sad.

SpringCalling · 08/01/2023 16:24

I think you've been a bit unlucky and had a run of dick heads. There are men out there who listen, ask and definitely want you to enjoy sex with them as much as possible. I'm 52 and have only just found the man who really does this with me. so my dick head run lasted a long time!!

swimlyn · 08/01/2023 16:24

Unfortunately there’s just one aim for the vast majority of them. Shoot the jizz.

It’s useful to know early on of course that they’re like that. The door can hit their arse on the way out…

Original poster
QueenConsort · 08/01/2023 16:28

I genuinely don't know if a lot of women just put up with whatever they do? I used to when I was younger but I'm too old for thar now.

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Original poster
QueenConsort · 08/01/2023 16:30

True about porn too , can understand younger guys but once they reach 45 /50?

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Original poster
QueenConsort · 08/01/2023 16:32

My last LTR was also offended if I wanted to use sex toys, asked if he wasn't good enough. He was very jealous of using them whilst having sex. Pathetic.

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PermanentTemporary · 08/01/2023 16:34

Of course you're not doing anything wrong and yes there are men who are better at sex than this. Much, much better.

If this really only is one in 2 years then I'm afraid I would try some more.

I'm also afraid that I like sex on the first date, or the second at a push. Zero interest in training someone. In my experience if they're that crap at the start, any improvement will be minimal. But I'm in my 50s so I refuse to waste time.

GreenManalishi · 08/01/2023 16:36

*sexual feedback wounds some men's pride
*

And these men are not the men you want to be having sex with.

If someone was blatantly ignoring me during sex I would stop and leave, or ask them to leave, because decent sex needs good communication skills

Original poster
QueenConsort · 08/01/2023 16:36

Ok the consensus is I'm okay asking them early on to do what i like, which makes me feel better.

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