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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Men and Sex, are they all like this?

66 replies

QueenConsort · 08/01/2023 15:00

I am single at the moment and have done quite a but of dating.

One thing that really gets to me is I always show men how I like things doing but 90% just ignore it and carry on as they were.

I don't understand, I think I'd rather be told if my partner preferred something different ( ie not being so rough) rather than pretended it was enjoyable.

Do you normally communicate your wants and do they actually listen?

OP posts:

Kenny69 · 08/01/2023 20:59

QueenConsort · 08/01/2023 15:41

boots yes, you have articulated the issue perfectly. Plus men are almost guaranteed to enjoy it, it's different with women.

I give up, it's not easy to tell them but I think it's better to but when they just ignore it what's the point.

I would disagree the men are guaranteed the enjoy it, I’m seeing someone new who is quite rough, I had to remind her that my penis does not come off no matter how hard she pulls it…

MaxTalk · 08/01/2023 21:00

Just stop, get dressed and walk out.

YouWithoutEnd · 08/01/2023 21:01

They are not all like that. The last three men that I’ve slept with have all been very eager to learn exactly what it is I need from them. One of whom is my partner and he is very sex-positive, happy for vibrator to be involved if the O is not forthcoming from PIV.

UWhatNow · 08/01/2023 21:01

QueenConsort · 08/01/2023 15:44

This is the first one in 2 years, I don't do it much!

The one 2 years ago was telling me all woman can squirt, I said I can't. He thought he knew better.

Just listen to women for Christ's sake, it's our bodies I've had mine 40 years so I know what works.

I keep getting emails in my spam folder that say that ‘all women can squirt’. That’s obviously the limit of his sexual education - spam emails 😂

Choconut · 08/01/2023 21:02

Not making excuses for men that are crap in the sack but I think sometimes they get so carried away that they don't even realise they're getting harder and faster. DH was like this, if he was doing it to me and not getting any himself it wasn't an issue but if he was getting it at the same time and getting more and more excited he would just end up getting harder and faster until I pointed it out (he'd then be horrified and stop) but it was something he had to really concentrate on not doing (which wasn't always easy if he was about to explode).

Kenny69 · 08/01/2023 21:05

5128gap · 08/01/2023 17:03

There's only one meaningful definition of 'good at sex' and that's the ability to give pleasure to the person you're having it with. And it's different every time. If men could only grasp that rather than learning a few set moves and techniques and earnestly performing them, oblivious to the reaction they're getting, they'd do a lot better.

And some women need to learn exactly the same thing …

5128gap · 08/01/2023 21:18

Kenny69 · 08/01/2023 21:05

And some women need to learn exactly the same thing …

Show quote history

Do they? Never had sex with a woman so I couldn't comment. Do you tell them?

Wintercandyapple · 08/01/2023 21:25

QueenConsort · 08/01/2023 16:52

Yeah was adamant every woman could as every woman he met has. I said I can't but he ignored me and thought he knew better. After it wasn't working he said maybe you can't, no shit sherlock.

His name wasn’t Richard, was it?

Aussiegirl123456 · 08/01/2023 22:58

No, most are pretty good at listening and then using that feedback. Some though just do not listen and insist they know best. Like after I orgasm, I am so sensitive I need a minute to recover. Not to be pinned down and for him to carry on rubbing my clit like he’s trying to summon a genie. Funnily enough the multiple orgasms he promised were not happening. Had I been given just a minute to recover all would have been good under my hood.

stevalnamechanger · 08/01/2023 23:04

QueenConsort · 08/01/2023 15:44

This is the first one in 2 years, I don't do it much!

The one 2 years ago was telling me all woman can squirt, I said I can't. He thought he knew better.

Just listen to women for Christ's sake, it's our bodies I've had mine 40 years so I know what works.

Trust me , I didn't think I could till I bought one of those foreo suction things 😂😂😂 maybe you can !

But he sounds awful

Andypandy799 · 09/01/2023 01:42

I would prefer to be told what turns my partner on as surely the more she enjoys it the more sex she will want so it’s a win win situation.

Never been a player though so I suppose blokes having ons don’t care as much.

Original poster

QueenConsort · 09/01/2023 09:27

He isn't called Richard no....

What are these suction things? I googled it and just came up with some kitchen gadgets!

OP posts:

Thisistyresome · 09/01/2023 10:43

No, but you have to remember you need two things.
Firstly you need someone who wants to satisfy you.
Secondly you need to communicate to this individual in a way that they “get it.”

As each person likes different things, different people get and retain information differently. So there is no easy solution. You probably can’t get the level of detail you need on an internet forum. Do you know a friend who has been though similar and found someone who they have a good sexual communication with? Unfortunately there is never a single answer. On the plus side “practice makes permanent” so if you find someone you can communicate and also understand and retains that future communication should continue.

In fairness it sounds like roughness is the issue which may be a factor of porn, that is far more of an issue than it used to be.

Kenny69 · 09/01/2023 11:29

@5128gap
yes, I have recently started seeing someone new, very lovely person, but I suspect one of her previous partners might have liked some quite “firm” handling, I have to explain that some parts of me are permanently attached … , and please be a bit more gentle.

inloveandmarried · 09/01/2023 11:39

QueenConsort · 08/01/2023 16:32

My last LTR was also offended if I wanted to use sex toys, asked if he wasn't good enough. He was very jealous of using them whilst having sex. Pathetic.

My husband was a bit like this. He's not the largest but he really hits the spot. No complaints from me. So I was surprised when he was feeling disproportionally upstaged by a sex toy.

I explained that sex with him was like a gourmet dinner, sustaining, delicious, wanted and needed.
Sex toys are like a sprinkle of sugar. Sometimes you need a bit of sugar but you recognise it's a small dose of sweetness and nothing more. But if you want an occasional sweet hit, it's needed.

Since that conversation many many years ago he's been on board and I'm very much enjoying a full menu.

EBearhug · 09/01/2023 14:58

Not all men are like this. Some get their pleasure from giving pleasure, and by their mid-40s have learnt to do it well and that includes listening.

I find chatting to them before bed helps a lot. It gives me the opportunity to let tem know what I like (and vice versa), and it helps build anticipation. It also means you can explain how things change - I can take rougher handling once warmed up, but not at the beginning. It also means you can talk about hard no's as well as what you want, and some of them may filter themselves out at this point.

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