Men and Sex, are they all like this?

[QueenConsort]

I am single at the moment and have done quite a but of dating.

One thing that really gets to me is I always show men how I like things doing but 90% just ignore it and carry on as they were.

I don't understand, I think I'd rather be told if my partner preferred something different ( ie not being so rough) rather than pretended it was enjoyable.

Do you normally communicate your wants and do they actually listen?

Tbh they should find it really sexy. I'm a big fan of text sex in the run up, which will involve describing what I want (and vice versa).

Watching with interest.

Mid-thirties with a very high sex drive but not much experience.

The two men I’ve been with just seemed focused on themselves and had no interest in trying anything different despite my attempts! I thought foreplay/kissing during sex was just in the movies! Never had an orgasm except by myself.

Currently limping along in a sexless marriage (tried everything). The only thing that’s stopped me jumping on the sex chat threads on here was the assumption that it probably wouldn’t be any better with anyone else!

It just puts me off and makes me think there's something wrong with me. The one 2 years ago we had the build up and I told him what I liked, he then thought he knew better with the squirting and was so rough with his hands he made me bleed. He said he wanted me to say etc, seemed to listen and want to make it nice but when we got down to it another one who ignored me and was rough.

It's the foreplay that's the issue for me.

Made you bleed?? Shit! Thats absolutely terrible! Unfortunately yy to the 'all women can squirt, all women love anal, all my previous girlfriends wanted to be choked' knobheads

Well, I still believe there are plenty of good lovers out there. Stay picky x

Yeah was adamant every woman could as every woman he met has. I said I can't but he ignored me and thought he knew better. After it wasn't working he said maybe you can't, no shit sherlock.

I've deliberately gone for a different personality type this time, quieter seemed kind but yet the same issue.

To me it's not foreplay, that's sex. Penetration to me is the (very enjoyable) coffee after a full meal of other stuff. Afterplay if you like.

Funnily enough the two best lovers I've had have also had quite big penises. One told me it had taken several years before he could penetrate someone without hurting her, so they just did other things. He was an absolute magician in the sack.

It's difficult. One of the most disappointing experiences I had was meeting a guy after five months of messaging. He was absolutely brilliant at fantasies and text sex but really pretty bad at the real thing. So it isn't easy to tell.

You're not wrong! I think its a mix of selfishness for some and others unable to adjust their 'routine' moves.

Very occasionally you get some who are willing or able to respond to feedback. They are out there but they are not the norm sadly

Yes I do. Sex should be collaborative and fun. If you're not both able to give and receive feedback and act on it then what's the point of having sex.

I spent decades with a man who wouldnt listen or learn about what turned me on. He also had a PE issue so sex was terrible. I resigned myself to a shit sex life forever.
I left him (not just because if thus but it most certainly contributed…ime men who won't listen in bed tend not to deal with general relationship needs either)

Now with a man who is genuinely incredible in bed. Loves nothing more than to give me pleasure, will routinely make sure I get mine without having to achieve his own orgasm and will spend hours on making me happy. Gently stroking my body, following its cues etc.

there are amazing lovers out there. Don't settle for shit sex if it is important to you.

There's only one meaningful definition of 'good at sex' and that's the ability to give pleasure to the person you're having it with. And it's different every time. If men could only grasp that rather than learning a few set moves and techniques and earnestly performing them, oblivious to the reaction they're getting, they'd do a lot better.

If the men are crap at foreplay and don’t listen to you then why let it even turn into sex?

If someone was too rough with me it would be a complete turn off.

Not all men are like that, I would argue that the more casual the encounter is the less likely they are to actually care about whether or not you’re enjoying it.

I'm not sure if men are supposed to comment on this thread - sorry if not. I just wanted to say that for me, part of the whole experience is feeling like my partner is having a great time too. My now-wife seemed pleasantly surprised by this when we got together. I just assumed that most men want their partner to feel great.

No problem with a man commenting at all, I'd like to think there are more like that

If I was a man I'd be pleased someone felt comfortable enough with me to say what they like.

It's just mind bogging

Even amongst those who do, you get a fair few who will assume she does, just by virtue of his set moves. Because a lot of women are too polite to tell them otherwise, men can get to a fair old age without realising their trusted repertoire is at best tedious.

Yes, that's a good point. I've had positive feedback but there's always a chance that it's actually politeness, which would be very sad for both of us I think!

@QueenConsort Maybe some men don't feel confident enough to feel like they would actually reach the point of being really good in bed, so they think "might as well just do what feels best for me, because I'm never going to get everything else right." I don't know. I struggle to understand how some men really enjoy it if their partner isn't enjoying it too, or maybe they don't notice that somehow.

This is defo part of a larger problem.

have you told him?
yes
have you told him clearly?
yes
have you spoken about it with him tho, he’s not a kind reader?
yes
have you communicated your needs?
yes

eventually the only way to make them listen is to be a bitch, and then it’s wow, you’re such a bitch.

Could it be partly that guys who want something longer-term try harder and listen more, whereas guys who just want one night or something shorter are more selfish? I'm sure that wouldn't explain it all, but might be a factor.

Sorry, that wasn't intended to suggest you were deluding yourself! Just making the point that some men (wrongly) take for granted a woman will be enjoying herself.

@5128gap No problem - it's a good point, and also I'm always willing to admit that I could be misreading things. Good communication both ways is generally a great thing!

Unfortunately OP Ive observed that really rough fingering and clitoris smashing is a part of even really vanilla porn.
Also unfortunate that many women are reticent to complain, let alone instruct. There’s so much neurosis about sex for both men and women. Porn sure as shit doesn’t help.
Ive never been susceptible to taking my cues from porn, as a general rule I find it depressing, but can confirm that I was an utterly shit shag (rub rub, poke poke & done) until I dated a girl in my 20s who was very directive and responsive. tbh I’m probably still a shit shag but at least halfway decent at getting a woman off, for want of a better word.

my new bf is an amazing lover, he keeps asking me what he wants, says I need to train him up, but he doesn’t need any training as he’s amazing and finally in my mid 40’s my sex life is beyond amazing and I can’t wait to see where the next few months takes me! He also waited 5wks until we did have sex, and would have happily waited longer as he’s not just a bloke who wants sex and then will dump women. I have had years of mediocre sex, so much so I’ve been happily single for years as didn’t think I was missing much. If we split up (praying to god that never happens, haha) then I’d definitely be missing sex!

The fact you’ve told him, and he’s ignored it means he’s just out for his own pleasure unfortunately.