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Original poster

My partner and his family have forgotten about our daughters birthday and booked a retirement party instead

78 replies

Millymoo14 · 07/01/2023 08:14

I’m feeling really hurt that my partner and his family haven’t remembered our daughters 2nd birthday in March and they’ve gone and booked/arranged a retirement party instead on the day of her birthday. I feel really hurt, however we don’t see much of his family either (but they don’t live far away, only 30 mins away).

I don’t know to react…!! I’ve had to be ok with it for now but the more I think about it the more I don’t want to take our daughter to the party. I know my partner will be upset and angry as he’s in a band with his brothers that are performing for his mum’s retirement. Yes I can arrange a party for my daughter the following day, but his family won’t come as they all either still be drunk or very hungover. His family really frustrates me, they never make the effort to come over to see us, we always have to go there.

any advice I’d appreciate x

OP posts:

TulaDoesTheHula · 07/01/2023 09:14

booked/arranged a retirement party instead on the day of her birthday

Plus we’d be at work on the day of her birthday so that’s why I was planning weekend celebrations

Right so he hasn’t forgotten her birthday or made plans on that day then, he just hasn’t read your mind that that’s the particular day you’ve chosen to celebrate it on as you haven’t actually discussed plans with him either it seems.

Purplepuddle · 07/01/2023 09:15

Eilan50 · 07/01/2023 08:44

Who knew a retirement party for relatives was a thing🤷🏼‍♀️
I've only ever experienced people having a work retiral do with colleagues.

Misses whole point of the thread.........,

I thought it was pretty common, it is amongst the people I know anyway.

Regarding OP, I hear your frustration!! I also agree that a 2 year old doesn't need a party, they won't be missing out BUT it's not really about that is it?

SheilaFentiman · 07/01/2023 09:16

Had you mentioned Thomasland plans to him?

toocold54 · 07/01/2023 09:16

Plus we’d be at work on the day of her birthday so that’s why I was planning weekend celebrations.

So when is the retirement party?

On her actual birthday or the weekend after/before?

DrMarciaFieldstone · 07/01/2023 09:18

So the day of the retirement party isn’t actually your DC’s birthday?

Were you planning on asking others to come to Thomasland with you?

I think it sounds like lack of communication tbh.

fajitaaaa · 07/01/2023 09:18

Millymoo14 · 07/01/2023 08:59

Thank you for all your comments. It’s the fact he’s known about this for weeks and hasn’t bothered to mention anything to me until now when it’s all booked. The fact I was planning an outing to Thomas Land that weekend. Plus we’d be at work on the day of her birthday so that’s why I was planning weekend celebrations. My partner is the father of my daughter but when it comes to band and gigs the family become a second priority.

Hang on what.

It isn't on her birthday then!

But you should still go to Thomas land.

arethereanyleftatall · 07/01/2023 09:18

You've said two different things op. In your op you said 'on the day of her birthday' (bad dad) but in your update you've gone for 'we'll be at work on her actual birthday so it's at the weekend (totally different thing)!

So he hasn't actually forgotten the date at all?!

We had our dcs parties completely at our own convenience when our dc were too young to be any the wiser. I think for one of them it was about 4 months later!

fajitaaaa · 07/01/2023 09:19

toocold54 · 07/01/2023 09:16

Plus we’d be at work on the day of her birthday so that’s why I was planning weekend celebrations.

So when is the retirement party?

On her actual birthday or the weekend after/before?

I'm confused too. Is the retirement party on the weekend or on her actual birthday?

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 07/01/2023 09:20

A retirement is a one off thing, and maybe in their eyes more important than a very young child’s actual birthday ( which you were not planning to celebrate in the actual date anyway).

As to your partner’s involvement and commitment to his music, wasn’t this a thing when you got together , and when you decided to have a child together? I don’t think you are going to induce him to make his child and you as their mother more important by resenting it . I know that no one on here is supposed to say it, but very young children are not especially fascinating to many men ( although they would cheerfully jump into the river to rescue one).
Compromise is the art of getting your own way without upsetting people.

PermanentTemporary · 07/01/2023 09:20

Sounds that if you feel he puts his band first and you resent that. Cant help feeling this would be a total non-issue if you weren't feeling angry with him for other reasons.

No idea whether there's a right or a wrong here but I would say that a man with a passion is generally a good thing.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 07/01/2023 09:20

If the actual birthday is midweek and the retirement party is the weekend before/after it, can’t you just celebrate on whichever is the opposite weekend?

Highlyflavouredgravy · 07/01/2023 09:21

She's two and won't be aware it is her birthday. Everyone will make a big fuss of her at the party- you could maybe have a cake there.
Then the weekend before or after, take her to Thomas land.
This doesn't have to be a big deal unless you want it to be and wanting it to be is really childish.

TulaDoesTheHula · 07/01/2023 09:26

Yes I can arrange a party for my daughter the following day, but his family won’t come as they all either still be drunk or very hungover.

Were you taking them all to Thomas Land then?

ChristmasCakeAndStilton · 07/01/2023 09:26

So, her birthday is mid week.
You've decided to move it to a weekend. That happens to be the random, not a relatives birthday, retirement party date?
Your PiL have done nothing wrong. Move the Thomas land trip to the other weekend around your child's birthday.

TheOrigRights · 07/01/2023 09:26

I'm with you OP, not sure why loads of people are brushing it off with "oh she won't remember" or finding ways to make your partner's actions seem fine.
The lack of communication is concerning. Birthday or not, how come the retirement party is being presented to you w/o any discussion? Does your partner not discuss plans with you.
Sure, you can celebrate with your DD another w/e but that's not the point. Your partner had put you and his DD very low in his priorities.

letthatmango · 07/01/2023 09:29

Your partner hasn't done anything wrong if the dates thing is true. Your in laws have not done anything wrong. They didn't forget the date of her birthday they just didn't ringfence the date you wanted to celebrate!

Your daughter will be absolutely doted on at a family event that weekend. Take her to Thomasland another weekend.

Feelallright · 07/01/2023 09:29

Wow, you are out of order. It’s not even your DD’s birthday. Of course you can have the outing any other weekend. And even if it was her birthday, she’s two - too young for a party anyway. Why would relatives attend a birthday party for her that’s a trip out to Thomas land?

FeinCuroxiVooz · 07/01/2023 09:31

Millymoo14 · 07/01/2023 08:59

oh you have a waster manchild in your life. not a partner.
but if the retirement party isn't on the actual day of DD's birthday then it's not a big deal. pick a different day for DD's birthday outing

arethereanyleftatall · 07/01/2023 09:33

Op - you are upset that he hadn't communicated to you the retirement party plans, but had you communicated to him your Thomas land plans?

Eilan50 · 07/01/2023 09:34

TulaDoesTheHula · 07/01/2023 09:26

Yes I can arrange a party for my daughter the following day, but his family won’t come as they all either still be drunk or very hungover.

Were you taking them all to Thomas Land then?

I wondered this too! I note you have an ongoing problem with your partner and his attitude to family life and this is an issue you need to address. But regarding the birthday outing it's not on her actual birthday and not booked yet so it can be moved.
Organise Thomas Land for the day after and go with your DD and partner. Invite the rest for birthday cake afterwards and if they're too hungover to come then that's their problem.

AngelDelightUK · 07/01/2023 09:35

When I thought it was the day of your daughters birthday I thought it was really out of order. But now I’ve been it’s not and it’s just the day you were going to go out then do that another day

I would be tempted not to go though

toocold54 · 07/01/2023 09:36

Have you already booked Thomas land? And did your DH know that you had booked it before the retirement party was booked?

nc1013 · 07/01/2023 09:36

I'd say a one off retirement part trumps a 2nd birthday party (especially when the party isn't even on the day of the party).

In your original post you'd said the party was on the actual day of her birthday. 2nd post you say you're working on her birthday so had decided to celebrate at the weekend?

Did they know what day you'd picked? Would they expect it to be an evening party for a 2 ye old?

Like PPs have said it sounds like you have other issues with them to be annoyed but this on its own sounds like a non-issue to me

BatshitCrazyWoman · 07/01/2023 09:40

Eilan50 · 07/01/2023 08:44

Who knew a retirement party for relatives was a thing🤷🏼‍♀️
I've only ever experienced people having a work retiral do with colleagues.

Misses whole point of the thread.........,

I similarly missed the point of the thread. I've been to work-related retirement send offs, but never a family and friends one. I totally didn't think it was a thing, and definitely won't be doing one for my retirement (apart from the work do, of course).

Herejustforthisone · 07/01/2023 09:44

letthatmango · 07/01/2023 09:12

I'm confused, I thought the weekend retirement celebrations were on the day of her birthday NOT that her birthday is mid week.

So you're angry that he and his family haven't ring fenced the day you 'planned' to celebrate her birthday. Not her actually birthday?

Show quote history

Yeah, that does change things entirely.

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