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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I will totally go with the consensus...

63 replies

McMummy · 04/02/2008 16:44

OK
I don't know if I am being totally jealous...

In the summer when my dh joined facebook, there was a girl on there who said she "hooked up" with him on one of his skiing trips. I do believe that he didn't do anything with her, but it has awakened the green eyed monster.
We then had conversations about women (mostly from work) that he texts about personal stuff. Not alot of texting, and it has stopped, but I didn't understand why, if he is good enough friends with someone to be texting about personal that he had never mentioned her.
So, fine, we had a discussion about what I think is appropriate.

Last week he was away on a snowboarding trip, and had messaged a girl on Facebook saying Happy Birthday. It was someone I didn't know, and he said she is the friend/girlfriend type person to a friend, and he only met her once.

So, the question is: is this a bit, um, strange? If I were a single girl, and a MARRIED man messaged me while he was ON HOLIDAY, I would wonder what his intentions were. He said he was drunk, and he can't even remember doing it.

I feel terrible, but I feel like my "what is normal" radar is totally messed up.

What'd ya think?

OP posts:
wannaBe · 04/02/2008 16:51

if he had male friends that he was texting in this way/was wishing happy birthday to on facebook would you have issue with that?

Just because they are female doesn't mean there is necessarily anything going on. I have male friends who I have been friends with since school. in fact they are some of the best friends I've ever had, and I would be mightily annoyed if my dh started to suggest it was wrong to be friends with them simply because they are male.

besides, if he's wishing this girl happy birthday on facebook then you've obviously seen it, so he doesn't seem to feel the need to lie to you about it/keep it from you.

Original poster
McMummy · 04/02/2008 17:01

She is a girl he met ONCE

OP posts:
silkcushion · 04/02/2008 17:03

can understand you being suspicious but that doesn't mean he does anything wrong. is he a friendly sort of man usually?

policywonk · 04/02/2008 17:05

Oooh power, I can't resist...

If this was my DP I wouldn't like it. It's not like she's a good friend of his.

Sounds as though he likes female attention? Whether it runs any deeper than this, you're in the best position to know. Has he always been like this?

HappyWoman · 04/02/2008 17:07

You are feeling insecure for a reason - and he should understand that however silly it may seem. If this is upsetting you it should be upsetting him too.

Tell him what you feel without getting too angry and ask that he stop this contact (if there is nothing in it he will not miss it)! If he gets angry and defensive then you could have a problem ime.

However it could just be that he is a friendly sort of bloke and you will have to live with that - but he needs to make you feel more special anyway.

Anyway good luck.

Original poster
McMummy · 04/02/2008 17:11

He is a friendly sort of guy.
I don't neccesarily think he has, or wants to do anything. I just think it must seem a bit strange.

I admit I don't like it, and it has sparked something a bit ugly in me. Its just if he would MENTION that he is friends with these girls, then I could deal with it.

OP posts:
PortAndLemon · 04/02/2008 17:13

If you log onto Facebook (it may be only if you have the right applications installed, I don't remember) it tells you the upcoming birthdays of your friends -- and it's perfectly natural, given that you can wish them Happy Birthday in an effort-free manner with a couple of clicks, to go ahead and do it.

I think the nearest real-life equivalent is if someone had told him it was X's birthday today, and then he happened to bump into X, it would be perfectly normal to say "Happy Birthday" even if he'd only met her once before (as opposed to thinking "She is a single girl, and I am a MARRIED man. I shall not say Happy Birthday.").

Original poster
McMummy · 04/02/2008 17:16

The message was something like "Hey Chick Happy Birthday"

OP posts:
postingatlast · 04/02/2008 18:20

PortAndLemon has got it spot on. In some ways, Facebook skews the normal rules of real life. My facebook friends are a mix of:

real old friends
people i met on facebook (having joined special interest groups for example)
People I haven't seen for years who decide to invite me to be a friend.
People I only met briefly but who added me too.

My DH sees my page all the time because it is not password protected. Sometimes she will ask who x or y girl or guy is but it is not born out of jealousy.

Also, on facebook, people are obsessed with having as many friends as possible. That's why random people always try to add us. He simply added this girl after she probably invited him then saw on his homepage (no special apps required) that this girl had a birthday and wished her happy birthday.

If men want to have affairs away from their wives, they would be pretty stupid to do it on an open forum like facebook! Think about it!! If anything remotely sinister had happened, do you really think he would add her as a friend? Remember, once she is added, she can write on his wall. Now, that would be a risk if he had something to hide. If for any reason she was pissed off with him, she could do him serious damage, in full view of everyone, yourself included.

So... clearly absolutely nothing going on there. As for the broader point, no he doesn't have to tell you about every person he interacts with, by text or otherwise. We live in a world of friends and acquaintances and sometimes we just do mention all of the people all of the time to our partners... I have some very random ad hoc friendships, people with whom once in a while I'll have a really deep conversation. And it is the very fact that they are not close to me, that they may not even know my DW, that talking to them can make a lot of sense.

Your DH having these acquaintances is, I would go as far as to suggest, to the benefit of your relationship.

A very interesting thread a few weeks ago, title something like "DH's friendship with colleague, am i being naive" may give you some other interesting thoughts on this.

Good luck

A Daddymumsnetter

postingatlast · 04/02/2008 18:21

i meant my DW of course, not my DH!!

postingatlast · 04/02/2008 19:07

typing way too quickly, I also meant "we just do not mention all the people all the time to our partners"

1sue1 · 04/02/2008 19:14

See, this is the thing I hate about facebook...its a totally false way of interacting.
Like MSN...my kids have loads of contacts that they chat to online from school, street etc, yet I am sure would barely say hi to if they met them out shopping.

He seems immature to me, and probably likes the attention but thats probably all. Sound s like he needs to grow up

Doingitallagain · 04/02/2008 19:34

You maybe are being totally jealous, but I'd be exactly the same. I just can't bear the thought of my dp interacting with other women in what I view to be an "inappropriate" manner - on internet forums, via email or facebook. I can't get my head round why he needs to talk to them when he has me. I do understand this is a bit of a problem of mine, but he has also (after I threatened to end the relationship last year) come to understand just what a big deal it is to me.

I ended up asking him to stop using facebook, because it distressed me so much. And eventually, he did. He couldn't really understand why I needed him to give it up, but nevertheless has done, to help preserve my sanity.

Perhaps if you could let your dh know that you realise you may be over-reacting, but that doesn't stop you feeling threatened by what he is doing, and you would rather he didn't, he would stop? Maybe not without a fight, but he needs to see that this upsets you. And if it upsets you, then he shouldn't be doing it, whether other people think it's okay or not (all in my own "psycho" opinion of course ).

postingatlast · 04/02/2008 19:34

really cannot for the life of me see what is immature about wishing a facebook friend happy birthday?????!!

saying he needs to grow up is a tad judgemental...

OverMyDeadBody · 04/02/2008 19:38

Am I alone in thinking he's done nothing erong? I don't think he's being imature or needs to grow up.

Postingatlast talks a lot of sense (as always).

The thing to realise here is your DH has different assumptions and expectations about what is normal behavious than you do. Everyone does. You need to not expect your DH to have the same assumptions as you or assume he knows how you feel etc,. or expect him to behave in a way that you deem right. So what if he wished a girl happy birthday on facebook? fwiw I'm single and I have male friends who are in serious relationships who interact with my via facebook, texts and emails. I don't think for a min ute that they are interested in anything other than friendship and would hope that fact that I'm a girl wouldn't affect how they interact with me.

postingatlast · 04/02/2008 19:39

but of course he needs to talk to them even though he has you, doingitallagain. No one can get everything they need all of the time from their partners. It is an unreasonable aspiration and the cause of huge stress.

Facebook is such an open forum that I really fail to see what can be at all inappropriate about it. All of his friends, who no doubt know you too, can see absolutely all of his activity. There is no way it can be inappropriate.

If I may be so bold to sound a note of caution (I don't mean to be rude as I don't know you) but banning a partner from using facebook really runs the risk, IMHO, of driving them away. It is such a non-illicit activity. And if it doesn't actually drive them away, it may drive them to be more secretive, which would be worse for you, no doubt.

Anyway, most important thing is that you found a route which works for you both.

dittany · 04/02/2008 19:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

S1ur · 04/02/2008 19:41

Right not read thread yet.

So gut response. I think you're over-reacting.

I don't think it is especially weird to email saying happy birthday. Birthday reminders come up on facebook anyway so if he'd logged in then it's nothing to just send quick message. Feck knows why he'd bother facebooking on hol but that's beside point.

'Hooking up' is the kind of facebook descriptor that means jack. Not a friend not a relationship, just met.

So I wouldn't worry but the fact you are suggests you have other concerns? Or are you just in a bad patch?

Sorry if any of that's been said already. will go and read responses now

postingatlast · 04/02/2008 19:47

thanks for the compliment, overmydeadbody

you too always talk a lot of sense.

I just try to give a balanced view so that people stop giving themselves grief, ISWIM. There are so many other things to get het up about that I try just to reassure with a mail point of view.

God, weren't things simpler before internet when the lines were clear?! Affair or not affair. Physical contact or not. It was simple. Now things have moved on and there are all these grey areas (I have posted on these at length elsewhere).

Still think facebook is not a grey area though, FWIW

postingatlast · 04/02/2008 19:48

my spelling is terrible today!! I of course meant male, not mail!!

D'oh

Fireflyfairy2 · 04/02/2008 20:00

You're over reacting!

He has done nothing wrong.

And really, you must trust him as he goes on skiing & snow boarding holidays without you

1sue1 · 04/02/2008 22:43

PAT you ask why he's immature for wishing a friend happy birthday on facebook - well, if that were REALLY how it was, then obviously thats not immature...but,this female is not a friend as OP said, he's only met her once...and he logged in whilst on his hols to leave the facebook message. Whilst drunk..and couldn't remember it.

So yes, immature, a married man behaving like a teenager. He'll be wearing baseball caps back to front soon.

OverMyDeadBody · 04/02/2008 23:08

I recon the 'forgetting it' is a symptom of his relationship with the OP though. Of course he hasn't forgotten doing it, but it is the easiest thing to say when faced with an over-reacting posessive irrational spouce who's interrogating you for wishing an acquaintance happy birthday.

I'm surprised at some people's responses on here actually, it seems some people view their partners as possessions who aren't allowed to enjoy the compny of anyone of the opposite sex except themselves!

It's unlikely he logged on to facebook just to leave the birthday greating 1sue1, more likely he logged on (nothing wrong with that) and then got notified that it was the firl's birthday, so quickly posted. Nothing immature about that

Elephantsbreath · 05/02/2008 00:30

I think I know where you're coming from with this Mcmummy. In your shoes my radar would be spinning round going '"FLIRTING!" in a really annoying whine. And it would probably piss me off just a little. (& I do find Facebook a bit immature actually)

That and, "I was drunk, DW" and "Only met her the once" yada yada.

So probably nothing much in it at all, but y'know

AuntyThesis · 05/02/2008 00:32

you know hat is norkmal, he is lying and its not the girls fault.

if facebook is not being helpful wih rust issues - get rid.

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