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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I will totally go with the consensus...

63 replies

McMummy · 04/02/2008 16:44

OK
I don't know if I am being totally jealous...

In the summer when my dh joined facebook, there was a girl on there who said she "hooked up" with him on one of his skiing trips. I do believe that he didn't do anything with her, but it has awakened the green eyed monster.
We then had conversations about women (mostly from work) that he texts about personal stuff. Not alot of texting, and it has stopped, but I didn't understand why, if he is good enough friends with someone to be texting about personal that he had never mentioned her.
So, fine, we had a discussion about what I think is appropriate.

Last week he was away on a snowboarding trip, and had messaged a girl on Facebook saying Happy Birthday. It was someone I didn't know, and he said she is the friend/girlfriend type person to a friend, and he only met her once.

So, the question is: is this a bit, um, strange? If I were a single girl, and a MARRIED man messaged me while he was ON HOLIDAY, I would wonder what his intentions were. He said he was drunk, and he can't even remember doing it.

I feel terrible, but I feel like my "what is normal" radar is totally messed up.

What'd ya think?

OP posts:
madamez · 05/02/2008 00:39

FFS do you hang on his arm barking at every female of childbearing age he ever speaks to? All this advice of 'if it upsets you he needs to stop having any kind of life' really annoys me - you are the one with the problem here and you need to get a grip. People who want to stop their partners having any friends or any kind of a social life usually end up dumped and quite rightly.

dittany · 05/02/2008 00:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

susiecutiemincepies · 05/02/2008 00:47

not read all of the thread but...
I htink it very strange sorry. If he had only met her ONCE why bother? Why go out of way to find internet to say happy birthday to her?
Its IS odd. and NOT on IMHO...

Its not a case of getting a grip, at all! I dont think you have aproblem. He is YOUR husband. If he knows you dont like it, and it genuinely upsets you, then he should respect your feelings on it, and not do it. simple. your feelings shold be paramount to him. they should matter. I assume, that its should not make any difference to his life at all, if this person knows he remembered her birthday or not. It DOEs make adifferecne to YOUR life however, and there for IS important.

YOu ought to have a chat again about it. If you already have, then he has gone behind your back, and gone against your wishes. HTis is NOT a control thing on your part, it is about your feelings. weather of not other people relate to that, or understand it, is irrelevant. He had not repected you, and your releationship. Therefor it is important that you sort it out.

Dont let what people say about it upset you. YOU have a right to your own feelings, and you also have a right to expect that your husband respects those feelings.

susiecutiemincepies · 05/02/2008 00:58

Before anyone says it, I do NOT see my Dh as a possession at all. I do think though, that when you become someones husband or wife, you owe each other respect and care. If this means not initiating new relationships with random women/men as it will upset or cause hurt and distress to your husband. wife, then that is just what you ought to cease doing. Its only right and fair. He knows how she felt about it bfore, so why continue to do it?

Some things you just have to give up, when you decide 'for better for worse' . Going out and shagging new women/ men is also one of those things. Meeting new women/ men and forming new intimate relationships is also one of those things. Doing things which may well lead to intimate relationships is also on the list...

what is ok in one persons relationship, may not be in someone elses. It is not, in the OP's eyes ok. Her DH should IMHO respect this, and refrain from doing things which upset and hurt her. It doesnt seem that difficult to me.

If this person is a random woman he as met only once, then it should not bother him in the slightest. surely?

madamez · 05/02/2008 00:59

He wished the girl a happy birthday on facebook, he didn't stick his willy in her ear. If this was some bloke saying his wife couldn't use facebook because he didn't want her talking to other men, people would be advising her to contact Women's Aid.

lupo · 05/02/2008 07:25

I now how annoying this is. My dh always seems to get really close to one part girl at every job he has and ends up doing stuff for them. I don't beleieve he has ever done anything, but he def likes having his ego massaged.

Last week he left the hous half an hour early, to drive 30 min in opposite direction to pick this girl up from car garage where she was having her car serviced, then drop her back later to pick him up.

I have asked him lots of times to leave on time and pick ds up from nursery (incidently next to said garage) and he never does...

It irrites me to know end that he is happy to run round after this girls all the time..this one has a fiancee. When I aked why he couldnt do it, well he lives in opposite direction

well so does bloody h ...grrrr. He even asked to borrow my sports car so he could chauffeur her around...

I didnt like it and made sure he knew about it..guess next time he will just do it without telling me

sorry for hijack

I made it

warthog · 05/02/2008 08:08

facebook i wouldn't give a thought.

you were worried about the texting, and it's stopped.

tbh, i believe you should trust your instincts. i don't think you have anything to worry about from what you've described. only you know whether you're being paranoid, or whether you're picking up on something.

OverMyDeadBody · 05/02/2008 09:02

All I can say is I agree with Madamez, and if I where going out with a man who had the same attitude as some of the posters here I'd dump him, fast.

If I want male friends as well as a partner, and want to sometimes go out of my way to help them, and my partner tried to make me stop this, I'd tell him to get stuffed.

Everyone needs different people to interact with and different levels of friendship from different people. FGS why does it bother so many women if their partners have female friends who they care about?

postingatlast · 05/02/2008 11:08

Clearly a divide forming here and I am totally with OverMyDeadBody and Madamez.

I think it is very pertinent to turn this situation the other way round, as Madamez did. There are plenty of threads in this section about controlling husbands who stalk their wives' emails, who don't let them use internet, who limit their ability to meet up with anyone else. Telling a partner not to use facebook is no different, IMHO, and is in itself controlling behaviour.

Look, facebook is slightly addictive and even slightly immature. I sometimes find myself doing a movie quiz, answering questions about East Enders or fighting wherewolves when I should probably be working. But, as such, it is no different to reading a newspaper at work/ having a fag/ going to the loo. It is entertainment.

When I joined, it found loads of people (using the email addresses in my contacts list) I hadn't been in touch with for ages and also found lots of people who I had only briefly met, maybe when travelling. It was actually quite cool to catch up with many of these people. They see on my page that I am married (pics of DW all over it!). It's nice to reconnect with people, even if they only came into my life briefly. DW has no issue with this whatsoever.

And... when will people realise that men who have healthy interractions with other women are likely to be better partners. Ok, stereotype alert but they may have a more intuitive, sensitive side to them. Often, bouncing things off female friends can be really constructive to a relationship, just to get a female view. As I say over and over again, not all men are cheating bastards and not all women are predators.

in fact, there is something very attractive about a married man because many women will feel safe and not feel they have to worry about him hitting on them. This creates boundaries for nice friendships - and the same rules apply for brief friends as well as longstanding ones.

As for flirting, that is a loaded word. I happen to believe that everyone flirts all of the time, with both sexes. When we meet someone, be it at work or play, we are trying to create a chemistry with them in some way. We are basically saying "hey, i want you to like me and get on with me and interract with me". We are trying to create a chemistry. I wish people could understand that trying to create a chemistry with others does not threaten our relationships at home. There is a big line between chemistry and sexual chemistry - or, as Madamez puts it, sticking a cock in a girls ear!!

Finally, let me give you an alternative steer. I personally feel that it is the strength of my marriage which enables me to make and have and keep my friendships with women. It is a sign of our mutual trust that I have the confidence to have these friends. And the same is true for my DW.

So far from my friendships (and acquaintances) being viewed as bad or as a threat, they are actually viewed as a sign of me being a healthy individual, able to interract with a rainbow of different people, from foundations and the security of a strong and loving mariage.

OverMyDeadBody · 05/02/2008 11:46

I find myself nodding in agreement yet again to everything postingatlast has said.

As a single woman, I particularly agree with this bit: 'in fact, there is something very attractive about a married man because many women will feel safe and not feel they have to worry about him hitting on them. This creates boundaries for nice friendships - and the same rules apply for brief friends as well as longstanding ones.'

I do feel more at ease with male friends or acquaintances who have partners, as I asume they are genuinely being friendly because they like me as a person rather than just because they are trying to get into my nickers! So far they have never tried to 'jump' me! I also don't worry about giving them the wrong message or worry that they't interpret my friendliness as flirtiness.

I hope you're feeling better about all of this McMummy

postingatlast · 05/02/2008 12:17

thanks OverMyDeadBody.

Just reread Susiecutiemincepies last post.

"Some things you just have to give up, when you decide 'for better for worse' . Going out and shagging new women/ men is also one of those things.

of course, totally agree, goes without saying.

"Meeting new women/ men and forming new intimate relationships is also one of those things".

so marrying someone ties you down to 30 or 40 years of never creating intimate friendships with anyone ever again??? I am not a flamer by nature, but how spiteful can you get?? The most important part of a happy relationship is happy and enriched partners. And relationships and interractions with other people is a key part of being enriched. I find that belief frankly a little scary.

"Doing things which may well lead to intimate relationships is also on the list..."

i.e. live your life in fear of what may happen? If someone is going to have an affair, it will be down to a number of issues, both personally and within the couple, not whether they are starting friendships with others. What you are basically saying is we need to ban our partners from even looking or smiling at someone else. Again, I find this really scary and, as was pointed out before, if you were a man talking about his wife, people would be saying that your wife is abused and you are treating her like a possession.

I wouldn't swap my wife for the world and neither would I swap the other relationships in my life for the world either. They are all mutually compatible, make me the person I am and contribute to our relationship being the relationship it is. [shock horror, DW actually really gets on with many of my intimate female friends and, shock horror, I actually really like and get on with most of her many close male friends too!!!]

hmmmmmmmmm, sometimes these attitudes really make me angry...

sorry!

madamez · 05/02/2008 12:22

THe thing is, it's not possible to stop your partner from ever having sex with anyone else unless your partner wants to be monogamous. No matter how much you whine, stalk, snoop, threaten or even get violent, someone who is determined to have sex elsewhere will find a way to do so, and anyone who is sane will run a mile from self-obsessed clingy bucketheads who are incapable of having a life that isn;t based on treating another human being like a possession.

postingatlast · 05/02/2008 12:40

stern tone but, if I may say, beautifully put, Madamez! Seriously, you sum up perfectly why relationships where partners are possessive often end at best in a break up, at worst in infidelity (although not always of course) and why relationships where the partners are not possessive often remain the most monogamous of them all (yes, although not always, of course).

OverMyDeadBody · 05/02/2008 12:57

I also think the more control someone tries to have over their partner the more secretive they will become, and the more reluctant they will be to share things with you incase they are misinterpretted or you react irrationally. Hence the OP's husband 'forgetting' why he facebooked the girl when interrogated by her. Slippery slope imo.

AllFallDown · 05/02/2008 14:12

Facebook and other social networking sites do something odd: the tone used makes everything appear more intimate than it really is. Transpose those conversations to real life and they'd be horrifying to a poster's partner. That's one reason why I barely use Facebook - I'm much more comfortable with people I actually know well, where I'm absolutely sure in my own mind where the boundaries are; I don't care for the overfamiliarity of Facebook. I guess that OP feels much the same way. But I don't think a Facebook exchange is something to get worried about - like other posters here have pointed out, it's so public for a start.

Following the exchange on a similar thread last week I've been thinking about the nature of opposite-sex friendships. It's odd, isn't it, how when single we want partners who are able to empathise with and be friends with the opposite sex; once we're in relationships we then wish our partners would forget about that side of their personality.

postingatlast · 05/02/2008 14:23

such a good last point, allfalldown.

I think you hit the paradoxes of relationships right on the head. And I firmly believe that if more people bore this observation in mind, it would save a lot of grief!

And it's not just in the example you mention... we forget so quickly what attracted us to someone in the first place.

And the reality is that every quality also has its downside/ direct flipside.

It's too easy to want the cake and eat it!!

McMummy · 05/02/2008 14:30

Thanks everyone
I'm not sure what the consensus is...LOL!!!

We did have a chat last night, but in the meantime, I did come to the conclusion that I was being oversensitive.

I do love that he is friendly, and I am not (ahem!!!) a "self-obsessed clingy buckethead"

I wasn't dealing with him going away very well. And not out of bucket-headedness (this is about the 5th time he's gone. He also does a surf weekend every year). Generally I am very happy that he goes: As long as we can afford it, and this year we couldn't. He went anyways. I've been really hurt and sad (and pissed off!!) that he would be so selfish.

So, the facebook thing was just one thing (yes, one tiny thing) too far.

So, thank you everyone

OP posts:
McMummy · 05/02/2008 14:34

Posting - I agree that you can forget what attracted you in the first place - I do love he is friendly - I love it that he will make easy conversation with my friends.

OP posts:
dittany · 05/02/2008 14:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

postingatlast · 05/02/2008 14:41

Glad that you have sorted things out McMummy. Sorry the thread did a bit of a loop-the-loop but that's what I really like about this site - the diversity of responses.

Sounds like the question of how you spend your time together and apart is important to you and it is certain that you and the friendly guy you love will find the right solutions.

All the best...

postingatlast · 05/02/2008 14:47

"Is his friendliness directed equally to both sexes, in other words does he send Happy Birthday messages to new male acquaintances on FaceBook?"

Dittany?????

We are not seriously still saying it is wrong to wish someone happy birthday?? [had to put that in bold!] Or that he could wish a guy happy birthday and not a girl??

I despair, I really do!

facebook is no different to the workplace or anywhere else for that matter. "Happy Birthday Chick" is about as non-committal as a simple courtesy actually can be.

madamez · 05/02/2008 14:50

Hmm, sounds a bit like the issue is less his friendliness with other people and more the fact that he gets more holidays than you do: it's easy to start feeling like you;re his domestic servant or something when he's off enjoying himself and you're at home with the DC. You probably need to negotiate more about free time and fun activities for you with your DH ie let him look after the kids and the house while you go off on a jolly somewhere. Feeling put-upon is not the same as obsessing over monogamy, and I do sympathise with you over this.

dittany · 05/02/2008 14:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Meeely2 · 05/02/2008 15:03

steamy conversations dittany?

postingatlast · 05/02/2008 15:03

"Kerchunk", Dittany, is that the sound of an old chestnut crashing on the floor?!

This is the second thread you have tried to discredit me in. First time round I tried to defend myself and was rightly told not to take what you said so seriously.

This time round I will stay quiet and simply say that anyone who has read my posts in this thread and in the many others I take the time to contribute in will make their own mind up as to the value, the balance and the credibility of what I have to say.

Anyway, if I may say, the fact that you feel the need to twice put me down says rather more about you than it does about me.

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