I will totally go with the consensus...

[McMummy]

OK
I don't know if I am being totally jealous...

In the summer when my dh joined facebook, there was a girl on there who said she "hooked up" with him on one of his skiing trips. I do believe that he didn't do anything with her, but it has awakened the green eyed monster.
We then had conversations about women (mostly from work) that he texts about personal stuff. Not alot of texting, and it has stopped, but I didn't understand why, if he is good enough friends with someone to be texting about personal that he had never mentioned her.
So, fine, we had a discussion about what I think is appropriate.

Last week he was away on a snowboarding trip, and had messaged a girl on Facebook saying Happy Birthday. It was someone I didn't know, and he said she is the friend/girlfriend type person to a friend, and he only met her once.

So, the question is: is this a bit, um, strange? If I were a single girl, and a MARRIED man messaged me while he was ON HOLIDAY, I would wonder what his intentions were. He said he was drunk, and he can't even remember doing it.

I feel terrible, but I feel like my "what is normal" radar is totally messed up.

What'd ya think?

I do not think it is right to hijack an OP's thread in a bid to discredit me. Anyway, the thread you linked to is there for anyone to read. I believe I was balanced, responsive and respectful throughout and I am sure that many of those who now read the whole thing through, including understanding exactly what I was talking about and reading my responses throughout the thread, will see how ridiculous your attempts to discredit me are.

In the previous thread you tried to discredit me in (about a DH's friendship with a work colleague and whether the OP was being naive), the OP actually made a point of posting and saying how much she appreciated my posts and how they resonated more than many of the more negative responses (your own included), after you had tried to discredit me.

Anyway, I will continue to post on these boards, offering my own perspective on the issues which come up and enjoying the divergence of opinions and personalities that can be found here.

I am quite shocked at your attempts to discredit postingatlast's advice dittany!

Is that a bee in your bonnett?

sorry but PAL's posts on this thread started to get less like advice and more like a rant/monologue. appears as though there is some degree of self-justification in there

OP - it doesn't sound to me as though there is anything serious to worry about, but saying that, your DH should respect the fact that this sort of communication upsets you and avoid it

I have no idea which part of my posts sounded like a rant, until I was left feeling justifiably annoyed at Dittany's attempts to discredit me.

And thank you, lostandfoundagain, but I do not think that "defending" someone who has wished someone else happy birthday can be remotely touted as self-justification on my part.

Just because you may not agree with the line I have taken here and in many other threads doesn't mean it should be dismissed as a rant or monologue which, need I remind you, means I am talking to myself. I think if you re-read the thread, you will see me constantly interacting with and responding to other posters and the OP herself. In fact, I would say I interreact more than many people on here.

Sorry, I meant interact, not interreact.

no no no, that's not it at all PAL

I always make friends with men, and my dp always makes friends with women; it works very well and happily for us with total transparency and no jealousy at all.

However (bold, good!) if I messaged some hunk(!) while overseas on a jolly, "Happy birthday!" and dp said who's that? I would say 'oh I dunno someone on my flywall(?) in facebook whose b'day it is so clicked on it" - ok with me so far?

I wouldn't blather "Oh I was drunk and only met him the once" because that would seem a bit odd IMO. !

That's it. does not make op crazy jealous chick -just op saying hmm "What do you think MNers?"

(All relationships start off quite publicly and grow intimately from there, so saying Facebook is public ipso facto nothing will happen romantically is rubbish.
NOT that I necessarily think it will ever with op, btw, but just saying.)

Glad to hear that the OP seems more reassured now.

Feeling a bit taken aback by some of the responses on this thread though: the ones that seem to suggest that it is wrong to strike up friendships with the opposite sex without asking dp for permission. As a woman, I never thought of checking out my friendships with dh or asking his permission before I send a postcard or an email to a male friend/colleague, I do that quite a bit. Have never been on facebook, but I do go to work and to conferences, I keep in contact with old students of either sex, I go out for drinks or have coffee with male colleagues; having professional/friendly networks is essential for my career. It would just never occur to me to think about whether this new acquaintance is male or female- friendship in my book has nothing to do with infidelity. Am I doing wrong? My oldest friend is a man, and I can't imagine my reaction if dp suggested I should drop him after 25 years.

Yes, Elephant. I do still think its weird, but now more in a "drunk bone-headed" way.

I do wonder what I would think, if I were a (hot) single girl, and a married guy who I met ONCE - went out of his way on holiday to wish me a happy birthday.

There has been alot of opinions generated here - I don't believe being married means I'm entitled to owning him, or dictating to him - but I tend to tell him about the people in my life - (but hey! I'm a sahm, so my life is narrower) not to be accountable, but just to share with him.

Marriage is a funny old thing hey?

why can't i have male friends, or my dh have female friends? sounds a bit extreme...

If your radars are up, they are up for a reason. Does she not have the sense to realise his wife may not like single women contacting him, or does she just not care? How are half these people in his social circle but not in yours, you might like to ask him. Sorry, similar circs for me once, and I was right to worry.

Postingatlast: I'm not sure why you would be shocked at my sentence which said about forming 'intimate relationships'... I guess it depends what your definition of intimate is.
I know what I meant by it, and certainly think it is not on, when you are married.
Also leading onto what I said about things which can lead to such relationships.

I'm obviously not talking about close purely platonic friendships or relationships that both husband and wife are happy for each other to have. yes I DO think both parties have to agree and be happy about these things, otherwise it will always always be a problem to the person who is not happy with it.

Going back to what i was saying, there are some things you just simply DO have to give up, when you COMMIT to someone in a relationship. you just can't behave the same way as you would if you were single. I'm that you cannot see this!

This does NOT mean I think you should be tied to each other for 30 or 40 years, nor does it mean that you should never speak or get to know another person of the opposite sex for 30 or 40 years. HOwever, there are certain rules within this, and boundaries you have to consider. In the context of the OP relationship, it seems she feels her DH crossed a boundary she was not happy with.

susiecutiemincepies, that's the problem (and the fun!) of the written word, it can be read and mis-read in many different ways.

I see what you were meaning now and there is no doubt that you are right to say that you can no longer behave in the same way as you did when you were single if you are in a relationship. No point in getting into one if that is what you want to do.

I guess it then becomes a question of where each individual's (and each couple's) boundaries lie, as you say.