I feel so DONE - when did you know it was over?

[endoftheroadmaybe]

Namechanged.

Typed out a whole long message for context but actually, not sure it's really necessary. I think I'm at the end of the line with my DH for a host of reasons. I'm looking at our life and thinking all the good stuff largely stems from me (friends, lovely house, most of the money) and all the crap stems from him (his toxic family, his career fuck-ups, and all the bad moods and stress that result from all of his shit).

Tonight he had yet another temper tantrum and slammed a door so hard the whole house shook, and I'm just sitting here in a weird state of calm shock thinking that it's the last straw.

It breaks my heart thinking about our gorgeous teenage kids and how they would cope if we separate...so please let's not talk about that yet. I don't have the strength. But I would love to hear about the precise moment that you thought 'that's it' - and if it was the real moment, if you see what I mean.

After him instigating yet another row to "justify" disapearing on another weekend bender, and me thinking thank heavens he's left!
Took many, many years to get to that stage but absolutely no going back.
A peaceful, calm and stress-free life is wonderful.

I think sometimes you need to have the moment a few times for it to really stick. I can't be quite forgiving, especially to people I've known a long time so for me it usually has to that point more than once.

That said, I knew I was done with one of my exes when we stopped arguing completely. I'd just gone beyond caring and I felt so invalidated and unheard in everything I said I just stopped communicating at all. He thought things had gotten better! After that point it was just waiting for him to visit his mother's so I could tell him not to come back.

@Holshicup - thank you for sharing. I wondered after posting if my question even made much sense, because of course there are huge dealbreakers for pretty much everybody - certainly violence, and - for most of us - infidelity, and neither of these apply to me.

There ARE some good things about him/our relationship. But I just feel so tired and sick of his nasty temper and mood swings. And slamming a door in anger seems just so childish - not that any of my children have EVER done that!

You will be done when you stop caring and feel nothing.

@figtrees - yeah. I've had a few moments like this in recent years, but this sort of feels the biggest. Not sure why. Our kids were leapt out of their rooms asking what the noise was, and I pretended something had fallen over so not to make them worry/cover up...and in all honesty, I think they knew it was their dad slamming the door like a horrid aggressive idiot.

I had moments ‘in the moment’ but I wasn’t ready to face up to it and it was all too overwhelming.
i can’t really explain why but all of a sudden on a holiday where the level of detachment and short temperedness had reached new levels I had some sleepless nights, wrote everything down, all the reasons, and knew what I had to do.

the next few weeks were the worst as I knew what I had to do but didn’t know how or when, and then I did it.

i won’t lie it’s been incredibly difficult and I’ve become so tired of being worried and stressed all the time. About the kids: whether I’ve done the right thing, and money etc, all the practicalities.

but 4 months on and the kids and I are in our own (rented) place and whilst I know there’ll be hard times t come as we sort out every thing it feels amazing and I know it was the right thing to do for all of us.

@itsnotmeitisactuallyyou - I feel very upset thinking about breaking up, but that is more about shattering the kids' lives than for me. Yes, I know lots of people will come to say it will be better for them in the long run, but....

And ugh the childishness… I’ve had so much of that. My STBXH’s speciality is throwing things

Plan you exit from the relationship. You don’t have to use this exit plan, but just knowing you have it will be enough.
Slowly get bits and pieces together. Hide any breakable valuables if he is prone to strops.
Do things in your own time.

At his sisters wedding. He’d had few drinks and was doing his usual life and soul of the party bullshit, being the loving, attentive dad and partner etc, when the behind closed doors reality was, he was an abusive (physical, verbal and financial), controlling arsehole. We were sat at a table with another couple, and he had his arm round my shoulders and it was making me feel so nauseous. I made my excuses, said I was ill and went home (I was driving, and it was quite local anyway). When I got home I packed some bags for me and the kids, hid them, then left the next day while he was out fishing.

I think when resentment sets in and respect is lost then things are beyond repair usually.

Would he accept some anger management therapy?

The thing is for me that he wasn’t a present father to my DC so that made it easier in some ways (although hard now they are apprehensive about spending time with him).

Yes it might be the right thing for you but I think you’re right to consider the children.

even with him not being an involved father I have felt incredible guilt and responsibility that this is a defining moment in their lives and is going to shape them.

I can now understand why some people wait until the kids are older

but then you also get those people who say they wish their parents had done it earlier

@User0610134057 - thank you so much, your story is so interesting and also inspiring. The practicalities for us separating certainly wouldn't be easy. I have zero family support (only child and my parents are both dead, sadly) and although I have a few truly amazing friends who I know would support me whatever, I also have many friends who view us as a 'great couple' and think DH is a brilliant guy. I'm sure it would come as a huge shock to many if we broke up, and that is weirdly tough to think about...

How old are your kids, if you don't mind me asking? x

I spent a great weekend away with friends and felt so happy and carefree. Came back home to ex giving me silent treatment yet again over something trivial. He wouldn't speak to me for four days and I realised that I was done and would rather enjoy single life with friends and family than deal with his crap.

Mine are 7, 11 and 14.

its all quite fresh but their first overnight with him went ok and they seem to have taken it in their stride largely. I think because I’m their stability really in that he hasn’t been around a lot. But I do wish in hindsight I moved out sooner, I think the atmosphere for the 4 months between having the chat and us moving out was not good for them.

i must say though that having my own space with them is amazing, living free of walking on eggshells and that sinking feeling of car in the drive/key in the lock/footsteps on the stairs

When I looked over at him snoring with his disgusting mouth wide open on the sofa having got himself so drunk AGAIN he'd spilt a can of lager over his legs.
I sat there calmly and thought fuck this shit, I'm knocking 30, there's not a chance I'm doing this at 40. He refused to leave so I walked out the next day with the kids and our clothes 3 months before my 30th.

I spent 3 years single and it was hands down the happiest time of my life.

@CockSpadget - interesting. My DH can also be the life and soul type and people often remark how adoring and devoted towards me he seems. And sometimes, he is, but there's also too much shitty behaviour behind closed doors. And, without meaning to sound like a 50s housewife, he's made a lot of crappy career choices and as a result, isn't really a provider financially. He does TRY but falls back on my own (better) financial position all the time. I hate to say it, but I am beginning to resent that too.

I hear your pain op. It’s not my situation but you know you are done. Listen to your inner voice. I didn’t hear my voice, it didn’t shout and it doesn’t always.. it wasn’t abusive enough? Other people’s opinions? If you stay, it leaves a taste and you don’t forget. And you always question yourself. It’s hard

I realised that despite having a stressful job, I felt more stressed at home.

OP, please understand that whatever is going on in our DH's life does not justify his nasty temper and mood swings.

You seem certain that the kids will be torn apart if you split, but I'm willing to bet they would be relieved.

@Pkgts - I know that feeling. If DH goes away for work, our house suddenly feels lighter and more fun to me...

@User0610134057 - thanks again. I also have three! Slightly older but similar. Glad the overnight went okay and the kids seem to be coping. Do you have lots of support around you?

@Lollypop701 - I hear you. So hard. And though something has snapped in me tonight that feels different, I have been in similar frames of mind before, and then just put it down to a bad day in retrospect. Too many bad days for sure. But then, there are some good days...and I question myself.

I honestly think you just know, something clicked for me. I could sense it coming and it was like slowly taking steps in a sense.

For example, I finally let on to a friend about 6m before that I knew something wasn't right (I knew way before that but that was when I finally let myself say it out loud).
At the Christmas, I distinctly remember looking around and just knowing this might be the last one I spent at my in laws house - despite having no plans in place to leave.
In the feb I talked to another friend.
In the March I ended it and set the ball rolling on separation and divorce.

Wednesday! When my ds told me that his dad had driven whilst drunk with him in the car back to a party! Things haven't been great for a while but that was the icing on the cake.

From a different perspective, my relationship with ex was like a death by 1000 cuts.

I was (like you) the bread winner, the default parent, the bill payer, the home maker. There will little to none gratitude. He was lazy. He was selfish. He'd put on an act in front of people pretending to be a hands on father, a devoted partner. When in reality he did sweet FA and was absolutely clueless about everything! E.g when he moved out he actually asked me 'does a tv licence depend on the size of your tv, so a bigger tv costs more?' I looked at him and said 'that there, is a great example of what has been our problem'.

I had, years before, spoken to a friend, I told her I didn't love him any more, I didn't see our lives together in years to come, but I knew I wouldn't leave and I had no idea how it would end.

He then had an affair, what hurt about the affair, was he was able to do something I never could. He put his own wants and desires above that of the children and that's what I could never forgive him for.

If I could live it again, I would have left earlier, without question and without regret and without all of the fall out the affair caused.

Absolutely this for me too!