I feel so DONE - when did you know it was over?

[endoftheroadmaybe]

Namechanged.

Typed out a whole long message for context but actually, not sure it's really necessary. I think I'm at the end of the line with my DH for a host of reasons. I'm looking at our life and thinking all the good stuff largely stems from me (friends, lovely house, most of the money) and all the crap stems from him (his toxic family, his career fuck-ups, and all the bad moods and stress that result from all of his shit).

Tonight he had yet another temper tantrum and slammed a door so hard the whole house shook, and I'm just sitting here in a weird state of calm shock thinking that it's the last straw.

It breaks my heart thinking about our gorgeous teenage kids and how they would cope if we separate...so please let's not talk about that yet. I don't have the strength. But I would love to hear about the precise moment that you thought 'that's it' - and if it was the real moment, if you see what I mean.

@Alcemeg - hmmmm. Difficult. I know that kids pick up on things - like I said, I think they knew their dad slammed a door tonight, despite me saying otherwise. HOWEVER, after any scene like that things are smoothed over quite fast, by me at least (yes I know, not great) and we do have a lot of fun as a family. It's not like we are seething in a terrible atmosphere all the time....so I'm not sure if they would be relieved if we said we were breaking up. I think they would be devastated tbh.

@endoftheroadmaybe oh he should have won an Oscar for his public persona, family man personified. Unlike your OH though, he had a great, well paid, secure job, loved to brag that he was the provider, and I was a pampered SAHM because we didn’t believe in other people bringing our kids up etc etc. In reality, he forbade me from working, one so I could be financially dependant on him, and two because he thought I’d meet someone else and cheat on him. I wasn’t allowed to learn to drive, so I actually did it and passed my test behind his back. It’s 20 years since I left, I look back now and I can’t believe it all happened.

For me it was death by a thousand cuts, and in the end (to my shame) I stayed through multiple episodes of physical and emotional abuse. Things would improve and I’d convince myself everything was okay.

in the end it was a work trip away for 2 weeks - the first time I’d ever been away from the kids (or him for that matter) in 10+ years. It was quite a special international trip and my family and friends were so pleased for me - he however was furious that I was “leaving him” the the 2 DC for all that time (despite loads of support from nanny, family, friends).

I didn’t miss him at all over those 2 weeks and felt the happiest I had been in years.

When I arrived back after a 30+ hour flight he radiated hostility - wanted to make sure I knew I was being punished for going away - refused to hug or kiss me when I arrived home, screamed at me to get the kids dressed as they opened the gifts I’d bought them.

I just thought - this shit is never going to change. I told him I wanted to separate 5 days later after 21 years together. We are working through the logistics now. I feel sad for the kids (primary school aged) but so relieved and ultimately think it will be better for them not to be exposed to our relationship.

Lol OP @endoftheroadmaybe I’ve just noticed we virtually have the same user name! Funny that

Of course without being a fly on the wall I can't possibly say, but surely they must have noticed his "shitty behaviour behind closed doors" despite your efforts to mop everything up quickly like Mary Poppins! 😊

The CF wouldn't let me get in my own bed on Xmas eve. Then announced we were getting divorced on Xmas morning to the kids. I swore that would be the last Xmas he ruined. This one was great.

I remember vividly. I worked my normal full day having started at 5:30am to walk the puppy he had wanted. I made dinner. His contribution to the day had (as normal) been the school runs and a nap. I put dinner on the table and he huffed. It was like my head exploded and I knew I was done. When I cleared the table I told him I had had enough and I wanted him to pack his stuff and leave and he said ok. There was a huge long backstory and more drama after this but that evening he packed a back and was gone in under an hour and whilst he came back for more stuff he never actually lived with us again. I can still feel it now, the knowledge that the last tiniest bit of give a fuck had drained out of the bottom of my bottle and there was no putting it back in.

I think I was done without actually realising I was done for a while. After many years together it had just become the norm and because it was my only relationship I didn't know any different really. Looking back now, the overreactions to the slightest thing and hitting walls and doors because he was in a mood were just not normal. I know you've said you're worried about your children and how they will cope so I won't focus on this too much but my children are definitely much happier now, as am I. I'm in another relationship now and it is so different, peaceful, not hard work, no anxiety or worry that he's going to be annoyed about something, no constant arguments. My son said to me recently "I remember you and dad used to fight all the time and I just thought that's what a relationship was meant to be like, now I know it's not"...it was heartbreaking to think how that was affecting him without me knowing.

@Alittlebitofthis - good for you calling time. That is truly awful that he risked your son's life like that - that would be it for me too.

@cleanbreak2022 - must admit that one think he IS good at is the household admin, I am a more likely candidate for asking dim questions about the size of the TV 😂 seriously though, I can see how that must have been infuriating to live with. nIn our case, I would say the day to day practical running of the house itself is quite balanced in terms of who does what, so that is something at least. But more importantly, so sorry he had an affair. That would be absolute end for me.

one 'THING' he is good at, sorry for typo.

@page1of4 - so good you are rid of him!

@XmasElf10 - thank you for sharing that. I feel similarly like something has drained out of me tonight.

@Housefullofcatsandkids - this made me cry a bit, but thank you x

Sorry, didn't mean to upset you. It's not an easy decision to make and for a long time I was upset even though I'd made that choice. We've remained good friends though so it was definitely the right decision xx

He'd come home pissed in the early hours again after a Saturday night out. We planned to go to the zoo with the 2 DC and I got him up earlyish. I drove the 20 odd miles there...other families were having lovely times, dad's playing footy and enjoying their picnics.
SB walked ahead of us at a rate of Notts completely checked out.
He couldn't wait to get home as he was off out again drinking or as I found out later shagging the 17 year old neighbour.
Walking around the zoo that day with people actually staring at us or so I thought at the time, was the end for me.

I think you just come to the point where you can't be bothered anymore.
But don't worry about your children they're resilient and it maybe a relief for them too.
My biological father was horrible, we would have had nothing if it wasn't for my mum and granddad.
He'd flit from job to job harebrained schemes.
At aged 10 I looked at my mum she looked a shadow of herself, I told her I was going to stay with my Nan for the weekend and if he wasn't gone by Monday I would stay with Nan permanently.
Thankfully he was gone by Monday, our house was quite, peaceful and happy and we wasn't any worse off financially as he never brought anything to the table anyway, it maybe a relief to your children as it was to me and you will all be peaceful.
Some people never change and it's a waste of your life hoping they will. X

The morning he was having another tantrum and told me in front of the children that I'd be better to hang myself. Compared to other stuff he had said or done over the years that was a minor thing. But I just looked at him and realised it was enough. I never looked back and neither did the kids.

Sorry to everyone who has dealt with arseholes, there seems to be a bit of a theme where a lot of them are pretty useless along with being a prick.

That we may raise our children with the knowledge to avoid men like that.

I've found it really Interesting reading all of these posts, so many of them resonate.

For me, I think I've finally made the decision to separate over the last week or so. Ive been here so many times before, and have been staying for the kids, but I've decided that being exposed to him, and our pretty toxic relationship, must be so damaging. Something needs to change, I'm just hoping I have the strength to do it now. Sending positive thoughts to you OP

I loved my ex H and thought he was my "soul mate". But in the end his highly selfish behaviour ruined our marriage. I remember I'd been really ill with a three month horrific flare up of arthritis which eventually led to a hospital admission, I was working full time, doing everything at home and was out mowing the 100 foot garden crying because I was in so much pain.
I came in and he had cooked himself dinner and hadn't made me any. I absolutely blew my stack and he used my rage as an excuse to run away with his mistress.
Good bloody riddance. I'm much happier now.

As a kid, my mum stayed with my dad who did the same, door slamming, nasty temper etc. As a mother now, I would never put my kids through having to live with someone like that. I was actually utterly relieved when she told me they were (bloody finally) getting a divorce, I remember her sobbing and wailling and saying to my poor little brother "Your the man of the house now!" and I just remember thinking, thank God! Does that mean we don't have to live with him (my dad) anymore! Phew! Sadly, I was still forced to stay with him and his bad temper on weekends etc. But yes, I will never, ever force my kids to live with another human who fouls the atmosphere like that with their temper and nastiness.

Me and dh have slept in separate rooms for a few months and I have just said that I want it to be permanent.
To me this means the road to separation, but financially in the current climate we can't really stop living together.
I'm half scared, but also feel a sense of relief. I just wish he was in agreement as then I think it would be easier.
I'm not sure I really saw the point where it felt like the end as it has been so up and down for such a long time.
Even now I question if I am making the right choice, but then I look back and remember all the things he put me through and I just don't want to accept the past anymore, stop putting everyone else first.
He showed his true colours and I want to be away from it.

When he started a huge argument because I asked him to buy some ingredients whilst he was in the shop that totalled to £5 for our 9 month old son that I was batch cooking for. We were engaged and he told me I should be going in myself and paying for it myself. We were engaged and parents to a baby and he was being petty over FIVE POUNDS. This is a man that had over £250 to himself a WEEK after bills, I had less than £50 to myself a MONTH and had to practically beg him to give me £10 a week so I could afford to take our son out somewhere a couple of times a week (I was on 'maternity' from my university course).

He then proceeded to drive very fast around the island to scare me (he did this regularly in arguments) whilst knowing I was newly pregnant with our second child. I knew in that moment I was done, I just needed to get my ducks in a row and leave.

I ended up having a termination, ended the relationship and left him all within a month.

Fast forward to now, I'm in a relationship with an amazing man in our own home who's also an amazing step-dad figure to my little boy, and I truly couldn't be happier. He's just surprised us a 2 week holiday to Disneyworld Florida followed by a cruise around the Bahamas and Jamaica. I chose right this time

Same here, except mum stayed with him for life. They were together for over 70 years. Things calmed down a bit but you'd never call them happy. I wish one of them could have been, or preferably both! Such a vicious waste of two lives, and it completely ruined my understanding of what a loving relationship looks like.

Thank goodness you helped your mum out of that horrible situation, well done. It should have been the other way round. I'll never understand how parents assume their children want "stability" at all costs, even when the situation itself is unpredictable and toxic.

Many years ago now, so back in the days when your phone didn’t necessarily work when you went abroad. had had it before when my ex travelled and I found it really stressful.

anyway, if he went on a work trip and I found myself hoping his phone wouldn’t work. It did. I realised then that it was over.

when I ended it upon his return, the relief at not having to speak to him, or deal with any of his shit again, was so overwhelming.

it didn’t stop him calling and you couldn’t block numbers in those days, and once he even turned up at my house, but it did cement in my mind how done I was.

Off he went in a work trip*

Thank you @Alcemeg
Sometimes the child has to be in adult, always felt that I'm afraid had to responsible. X

4 years 2 hour distance "relationship" me doing all the travelling. Multiple issues promised he would sort out over and over again. Lost my dad November and he couldnt even come to see me when i was distraught. I couldnt get past it so i finished it. Im struggling though right now trying not to weaken and contact him