I feel so DONE - when did you know it was over?

[endoftheroadmaybe]

Namechanged.

Typed out a whole long message for context but actually, not sure it's really necessary. I think I'm at the end of the line with my DH for a host of reasons. I'm looking at our life and thinking all the good stuff largely stems from me (friends, lovely house, most of the money) and all the crap stems from him (his toxic family, his career fuck-ups, and all the bad moods and stress that result from all of his shit).

Tonight he had yet another temper tantrum and slammed a door so hard the whole house shook, and I'm just sitting here in a weird state of calm shock thinking that it's the last straw.

It breaks my heart thinking about our gorgeous teenage kids and how they would cope if we separate...so please let's not talk about that yet. I don't have the strength. But I would love to hear about the precise moment that you thought 'that's it' - and if it was the real moment, if you see what I mean.

As you can imagine, I've spent a lifetime wishing I'd had the guts to do something similar!

@Alcemeg don't keep dwelling on the past, look to your future. Sending hugs. X

What you've written here gives a glimmer of hope if you want it. The fact he has at his heart some positive traits, but those are masked by bad behaviour suggests he's a decent person but maybe has some MH issues going on. Maybe lack of self-esteem, anger about making career cockups and feeling inadequate that he isn't a better provider?

could some MH support eg anger management help him to untangle some of those issues and try to rebuild and reinvent himself so his positive traits come to the fore again?

Also, don't forget, we all have a polished public persona, with a more rough and ready version of ourselves behind closed doors which we often inflict on our nearest and dearest

OP, I could have written your post yesterday as well. This all resonates terribly. I know I’m done, would love him to move out, the house is so much happier when he’s not here. But I’m scared of losing our home, we can’t afford to run two households, I know he’ll be vicious and turn everything on me, and I’m so tired of all the anger, shouting, eggshells, negativity and moodiness. It’s been bad for years and I know I’m not setting my teens a good example. At the moment I’m just being Mary Poppins, basically, because I feel completely trapped with a man who doesn’t love or respect me. He’s behaved so appallingly I don’t even know what he would have to do for me to actually take action. Good luck to you and everyone else struggling.

When I was around 11 years old, my parents separated and then divorced after some arguments, which I never saw and was never exposed to. I vividly remember that what hurt me was that they never told me about it until one of them was gone (moved out). I felt shocked and wished I knew they had problems and it’s okay for people to go their separate ways and so when it happened, I remember fearing the idea of a new stepfather/stepmother. My new stepfather ended up being a very angry and violent person and I was exposed to him for 5 years of weekend visits to my mum and that's the reason I stayed with my dad during the week and not my mum, although my dad was absent most of the time, so I just lived on my own from 16. My stepfather didn't hit anyone but he would scream a lot, bang his fist on a coffee table and intimidate you so I was terrified and slept with a blade under my pillow even though he didn't hit anyone. He was very old but childish, had his own company and managed people who were also afraid of him. What hurt was not the separation but the new relationship my mum stayed in, which damaged my sense of trust, my relationship with her and my relationships with other people. I wish I learnt to identify what a healthy and an unhealthy relationship looks like back then, I wish my parents talked to me more together or separately for the years I lived with them and finally, seeing my mum scared and sad made me very sad too, I just wanted to her to be in a good relationship with anyone or single

I was much younger. We had been living together for 3 years. I got pregnant (stupid negligence on both our parts). I thought 'never mind , it's not perfect timing but we love each other, have a nice home, can afford it, so hey Ho'.

He didn't want it and told me that if I went ahead I'd be out on my ear and on my own. So, reluctantly I had an abortion. I sat in the abortion clinic waiting room by myself (everyone else had a partner/friend) utterly terrified of the upcoming GA (he'd delightfully hired 'coma' film the night before- the one where people go to hospital for minor operations and end up in a coma having organs harvested.nice).

He came to pick me up from the clinic in, with his best mate in tow, whom he'd invited to stay the weekend. I had to battle on with pain and heavy bleeding and after affects of the anaesthetic whilst hosting and pretending that nothing had happened. Abortion should were very shameful in those days. Then off to work on the Monday.

The following weekend we finally got to talk. I told him that I was feeling bereft, alone and very sad. He told me to pull myself together as it wasn't a big deal that I was 'a modern woman and should just get on with it'. Right then and there I knew. Knew that it was over. Knew that he was a total selfish bastard to me. Knew that I'd been a fool. I moved to the spare room and out later on. He smashed up and burnt my stuff, threatened to kill my cats and badly damaged my car.

He phoned me about 15 years later to apologise. I have no idea what made him do it, but it was good to hear that he'd finally realised what he'd done.

I'm now very happily married with 2 wonderful kids, to the kindest most considerate man. He's my soulmate. A lucky escape.

Good luck to you. There are tough times ahead but the hardest part is the realisation. And you've done that.

I'd been married to him for years and early on had realised my mistake. But I had no support network, nowhere to go, I had young children so I made the best of it for a long time. It took years to extricate myself and my children but I suppose if there's a defining moment that made me realise that I needed to get out, it was when my friend and I were discussing our marriages. I told her calmly that I wished he were dead, I wished every day for the police to knock at my door to break the news to me. She looked at me with such horror on her face that I knew then that I needed to split as soon as possible.

You get used to abuse, years of abuse and you become inured. It took the shock of an outsider to bring me to my senses.

I remember very clearly when & where I "detached". My that's it moment. It's powerful & I acted. I could describe XP very much like yours though my Dc were young.

Over Christmas I was visiting the house this moment happened it (it was t at home) and it was like it happened yesterday - it was 9 years ago.

Things get better from here op - you will build your life anew without all the stress/hassle/stroppy mood swings etc of this man. It's fantastic

These lies protect your P not your DC.
Stop lying to them to protect this man. Teens are t stupid & you are possibly damaging your relationship with them to protect him.

I came home from seeing my dying DM and walked in the house without taking my boots off. He shouted at me to take them off so as not to damage the stone tiles. Then continued to shout about fuck knows what. In that incredibly low and sad moment I finally accepted that he didn’t have my back and never would again. I consulted no one and didn’t even consider ‘what people would say’, i just told him that I would be divorcing him. I never faltered from that moment, it was over.

To be fair I had known for 7 years that we had no long-term future. I waited for the DC to reach adulthood and for that moment of full clarity to happen, as I knew it would eventually.

I have zero regrets. And I’m happy with a man now who literally adores me - what a revelation!