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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My H makes me feel sick

88 replies

StrangerBings · 06/01/2023 20:00

To be honest I don't know where to start.

He had an affair for a year, 6 years ago now. Denied he had sex but i am not stupid. Worked with her. It ended, as he was afraid of loosing everything. I took him back. I wish I hadn't.

If this thread is anything, it should be a warning about trying to forgive someone who cheats.

I hate him. I'm stuck here with him. Why didn't I tell him to stay away when he was desperate to 'keep' me. I'm in my mid-50's, with a child still at home. It takes every ounce of strength to pretend I'm happy.

Don't be me. Please.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 07/01/2023 16:14

I bet your child is more than aware, presumably he/she isn’t blind or stupid.

FictionalCharacter · 07/01/2023 16:22

StrangerBings · 06/01/2023 20:34

The issue is that the environment is fine. Nobody knows I'm so unhappy. I'm a good actor!!

You still haven’t given any reasons why you’re stuck, other than your child being still at school. Loads of people are telling you that staying with this awful man isn’t benefiting your child (year 12 so actually an older teenager, old enough to get a job and leave home if they want, not a little child).
I’m one of many who lived in a toxic family where my mum was told she should stay “for the sake of the children”. Me and my sibling wished she had left for the sake of the children.

Original poster
StrangerBings · 07/01/2023 16:41

Thank you to everyone that has commented. Some not so easy to read as it makes it all so real.

I made a decision after reading the messages last night and feeling so awful. He also helped me make the decision as he was behaving hideously (and now he is being super creepy).

I'm sorting through paperwork and getting my ducks in a row. I'm not leaving right now as my teen is sitting GCSEs this year but I am going to leave once they are done.

You are all right, I can't wait another two years but I can wait 6 months. As I've got stronger, following his affair (which almost destroyed my sense of self), he has become needy and controlling. I'm lucky, I have a good job and we will be fine financially, although he is likely to fight tooth and nail to keep everything! I'm looking at places that I could potentially rent from June/July for 6 months and my aim is to save as much as I can to help make moving out easier. I even put the Christmas decorations in boxes differently, making sure that I can take one box with everything I would need!

Even having this new plan has made me feel like there is light at the end of a very dark tunnel.

OP posts:
Johnduttonsbuttocks · 07/01/2023 16:49

I am picturing the Shawshank Redemption, now, with your tunnel out of that awful situation slowly coming into shape.

Huge congratulations for making that mental shift and committing to a better future for yourself and your children. 💪

Pixiedust1234 · 07/01/2023 17:00

Good for you OP. By the time you've collected all the paperwork, sourced solicitors, house roughly valued (look at rightmove for sold prices on your road over the recent years) it will be 4 months later anyway.

Start making a list of what you will need to do prior to divorce. Another for when you physically leave, ie who needs to know your change of address. Add another list of what you would like to take and what is non negotiable. Copy all old photos onto a memory stick, that kind of thing. Good luck!

uncomfortablydumb53 · 07/01/2023 17:14

Honestly Leave him now, your hate for him will make you feel even worse if you stay
You gave him another chance, which he's blown.
He doesn't appreciate you and you are walking on eggshells
You owe him nothing

Flowersintheattic57 · 07/01/2023 17:36

There’s nothing like making a plan to have an energy shift! He’s likely to notice so keep up with your acting skills. Six months is a reasonable amount of time to get everything in order and it keeps you in control. Sounds workable to me, wishing you all the best. Life’s too short to waste it with joy vampires.

Alcemeg · 07/01/2023 17:46

Good luck, OP! Flowers

"The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step" — Lao Tzu

Freed0m66 · 07/01/2023 17:57

Please please get some counselling. That will help you work it all out. Nothing is worth you staying where you don't want to be. Not money, property or dependents. The life, days and happiness you lose will never be replaced. It's your one life. You can do it.

FictionalCharacter · 07/01/2023 19:19

StrangerBings · 07/01/2023 16:41

Thank you to everyone that has commented. Some not so easy to read as it makes it all so real.

I made a decision after reading the messages last night and feeling so awful. He also helped me make the decision as he was behaving hideously (and now he is being super creepy).

I'm sorting through paperwork and getting my ducks in a row. I'm not leaving right now as my teen is sitting GCSEs this year but I am going to leave once they are done.

You are all right, I can't wait another two years but I can wait 6 months. As I've got stronger, following his affair (which almost destroyed my sense of self), he has become needy and controlling. I'm lucky, I have a good job and we will be fine financially, although he is likely to fight tooth and nail to keep everything! I'm looking at places that I could potentially rent from June/July for 6 months and my aim is to save as much as I can to help make moving out easier. I even put the Christmas decorations in boxes differently, making sure that I can take one box with everything I would need!

Even having this new plan has made me feel like there is light at the end of a very dark tunnel.

Well done. That’s a good plan - to prepare carefully and calmly.

kateandme · 08/01/2023 09:27

Alsotell someone on real life.ypu need a trusted friend.or family.someone you can count on and whpmcan keep you accountable.he will sniff put your change and he worn bloody lime it.and his acting skills will come.do not let him weedle you back.because I'm sure you have said 6months before.then another.do not let this happen or continue.make the plan and stick to it.
Having someone on the outside also gives you s place to take important documents.even renting a storage space or locker.
Don't back down.your free on awaits.
How good will it feel when your on the other side and you don't wake up with a knot in your tummy.with that doom feeling.but one of a nervous giggly feeling of hope.of a future.of being YOU. Scary bit scary in a good way.BECAUSEit's yours.its your future to make.

CovertImage · 08/01/2023 09:41

I think that when people have an excuse to delay it like this it generally doesn't happen

W00p · 08/01/2023 09:41

You're not stuck, you're actively choosing to stay with a man who would light you on fire to keep himself warm.

He didn't care about you when he was shagging someone else and was only sorry when he got caught. Cheating was his choice, you don't accidentally cheat on your wife (or husband, for balance).

Now he uses the "mental health card" by presumably saying he will kill himself if he ever lost you. But he won't, because it's a ruse done for attention and control.

He has you right where he wants you and you're doing yourself a disservice at this point in your life to not prioritise yourself. Your needs, your dreams and your plans you had for your life as a child/teen/young woman still matter.

Does your child know he had an affair?

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