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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My H makes me feel sick

88 replies

StrangerBings · 06/01/2023 20:00

To be honest I don't know where to start.

He had an affair for a year, 6 years ago now. Denied he had sex but i am not stupid. Worked with her. It ended, as he was afraid of loosing everything. I took him back. I wish I hadn't.

If this thread is anything, it should be a warning about trying to forgive someone who cheats.

I hate him. I'm stuck here with him. Why didn't I tell him to stay away when he was desperate to 'keep' me. I'm in my mid-50's, with a child still at home. It takes every ounce of strength to pretend I'm happy.

Don't be me. Please.

OP posts:
LadySweetPea · 06/01/2023 21:31

Honestly, you seem to be portraying yourself as a martyr. But you are actually responsible for your own unhappiness, and 100 percent your child picks up on the unhealthy vibe.

There are no medals for staying in a toxic relationship. You will pay for this with your wellbeing, and reduced opportunities for a good relationship.

What is it you get out of staying in this situation?

Maytodecember · 06/01/2023 21:42

He makes everyone around him feel guilty and that he has to have support from us. As he still works in a high pressure, well paid job, we have to continually praise him for

Well practiced controlling strategy. And how bad can his MH be if he is still working in a high pressure job?
If you’re determined to stick it out for 2 years, start preparing now. Put away as much money as you can. If your dc can spend a weekend with friends or family take yourself off for a weekend in a hotel, a spa weekend, anything you want to do.
Plan how you’ll leave , where you’ll go, speak to a lawyer well in advance.

StClare101 · 06/01/2023 21:43

Please don’t be my aunt.

She was waiting for the kids to finish school. She was waiting for the mortgage to be paid off, his fake illnesses to improve etc. etc.

She is now 67 years old and completely broken from years of coercive control. All her sisters have begged her to leave and she has offers of a house being bought for her, lawyers paid for etc. Her own children see what he’s like and want her to go. They don’t speak to their Dad and call him “the toddler”.

She’ll never leave.

Rainbow1901 · 06/01/2023 21:52

You are allowed to change your mind!! Living with the after effects of someone who has had an affair eats away at your self esteem. (Been there done that!) My ex-H wouldn't leave (even to allow me space to think!) as he thought I wouldn't have him back. It took 11 years before I upped and left!
Don't stay - if you don't want to be there! Don't make excuses - be it paying off the mortgage, his MH, whatever. You are entitled to have a happy life!!

Notsuchaniceguy · 06/01/2023 22:02

I'm with others who question the seriousness of his mental health if he has a high paying job that he holds down. Now he might say that if you leave his MH will deteriorate but YOU are NOT responsible for that. He is controlling and a cheater. HE IS responsible for that - his choice to behave that way. He might say that was down to his mental health but take my word for it, it isn't. I have met many deeply compassionate, caring people who treat others with respect and kindness who also have serious mental health conditions. And more than a few assholes who blamed mental health conditions for gaping flaws in their personality and behaviour - myself included for much of my life as it happens.

I appreciate there are many difficulties in leaving someone. But you only have one life.

And no it isn't normal to be checking what someone is doing all the time on their phone or in their life. He doesn't trust you either because he fears you may talk about him or leave as he knows his behaviour is shitty or he doesn't trust you because as a cheater he assumes everyone else will cheat. Living under unfair suspicion is no way to live. Neither is living with hatred.

Imagine yourself and your child in a two bed flat above a late night takeaway on a noisy street in a poor part of town - but able to make your own choices, talk to whoever you wanted when you wanted and not having to see someone you hated every morning and night. I'm around your age and the older I get, the less material stuff seems to matter and the more peace of mind and psychological freedom seem to be what I want. Maybe take some time to reflect on what truly matters to you?

Best wishes.

Notsuchaniceguy · 06/01/2023 22:06

Oops I thought you put an approximate age in a post. I can't see that so ignore my me being around your age comment, I don't know how old you are!

ItWasDobbinAtTheMareAndSpare · 06/01/2023 22:07

I suspect a small bit of you knows that you have choices and you are here for permission to leave. You don’t need permission, you can leave for any reason and the ones you’ve given are overwhelmingly good regardless. But just in case you need it - Go. Save yourself.

Aubree17 · 06/01/2023 22:19

Start plotting your escape.

Where will you go?
Will your house be sold?
Will your children live with you?

Once you get a plan you'll realise your not stuck,

Baleroo · 06/01/2023 22:26

Your story resonates with me so much. I tried to make my marriage knowing that he's a cheat, cause I convinced it was fhe right thing to walk. But after years of me trying I finally broke away. The first few weeks was difficult but then I had a sense of relief that it's over our relationship is over, I can finally accept things and move on. The pain is there but no as much as it was trying to make it worth. Your self esteem is down, and it's like you are fighting with yorhslef because you have compromised with your boundaries. I hope things go well for you

KateofGhent · 06/01/2023 22:34

OP, as you say your STBX is always watching you, please delete your history.

frozendaisy · 06/01/2023 23:43

StrangerBings · 06/01/2023 20:14

He makes everyone around him feel guilty and that he has to have support from us. As he still works in a high pressure, well paid job, we have to continually praise him for it.

I work in a high pressured job but he never appreciates it. Our youngest is 2 years off leaving school (6th form). I'm planning to leave then but it's hard when he is such a cunt.

"I work as well"
"I work too"
"Oh sorry we are talking about you and your work again"
"Oh yes poor you I work as well"

frozendaisy · 06/01/2023 23:44

OP imagine, visualise, a home that doesn't have someone who makes you feel sick not in it.

Then make 2023 about achieving that home.

DC will be fine.

Smooshface · 06/01/2023 23:53

Your kid won't thank you for being unhappy on his behalf.

Aquamarine1029 · 06/01/2023 23:57

StrangerBings · 06/01/2023 20:34

The issue is that the environment is fine. Nobody knows I'm so unhappy. I'm a good actor!!

No, you are not, so you can stop lying to yourself about this. Your child knows exactly how miserable you are. Children always do.

Ofcourseshecan · 07/01/2023 02:09

AmandaHoldensLips · 06/01/2023 20:15

You are not stuck.
You can divorce him.
His mental health is not your responsibility.

You only get this one life.

Everyone is agreeing because it’s true, OP. Please save yourself - and probably give DC a happier home life.

user764329056 · 07/01/2023 02:24

You are far less stuck than a lot of women who have left

Pixiedust1234 · 07/01/2023 02:43

Has he sought help from the GP regarding his mental health, is he taking any medication?

His health is not your responsibility although I do understand why you feel guilt. But you don't need to feel anything. If he ever threatens suicide then tell him you will call the police every single time to deal with him. That usually stops the threats as they only threaten to control you.

Don't wait two years to leave, it will break you. Start planning now. Get copies of financial records, deeds, marriage and birth certificates, passports etc. Find a solicitor that offers free or fixed fee consultations to find out your rights (get a list of questions together). Get that in place now. It might give you the strength to start the divorce. Both you and your child will be happier when gone.

BabyOnBoard90 · 07/01/2023 02:58

At this point you're responsible for your own unhappiness.

kateandme · 07/01/2023 03:44

Your child knows.so does he.thats why he's checking.
Sounds like your a bit stuck in this way of being though too.the role you've put yourself in.how scary to live a different way when at least this is a known. Out there who would you be?
But that control for you.thats being trampled on.degraded.
Nothing is stopping you.
Your not waiting 2 years for your dc.sorry.
That's an excuse.2 years of 6th form is plenty old enough to both be aware and support you leaving.
You'll have lost so much more if you wait.
It never gets easier to leave.afraid to saycespecidlly with age increase.

StarsSand · 07/01/2023 03:49

Oh my goodness leave him!

What if you were hit by a bus tomorrow, and you'd wasted your last days being with someone horrible.

Leave leave leave. Your child will be better for it.

JobSeekingMissile · 07/01/2023 05:18

Leave. Stop making excuses and end it. Your child needs you to set an example and will be far happier out of the situation.

his mental health is not your problem- even if he is telling the truth, you can't take that on as your responsibility. I doubt it's true from what you say, and it's more likely out of the abuser's handbook of manipulation tactics.

dooneyousmugelf · 07/01/2023 05:34

It's actually a horrible feeling as the child when you realise a parent stuck it out for your sake. Not only terrible guilt thinking it's your fault but knowing home life would've been happier if they'd have just split do it was pointless. All such a waste. People should stop putting that on their kids.

dooneyousmugelf · 07/01/2023 05:35

So* it

RenovationsUnderway · 07/01/2023 05:54

I agree with a PP. Start the admin side of leaving now. Paperwork etc. Do at least 20 mins per day if possible. It will make each day meaningful and build your confidence. That way, even if you do endure two more years, you'll have hardly anything to do when the two-year limit is up.

Alcemeg · 07/01/2023 08:24

dooneyousmugelf · 07/01/2023 05:34

It's actually a horrible feeling as the child when you realise a parent stuck it out for your sake. Not only terrible guilt thinking it's your fault but knowing home life would've been happier if they'd have just split do it was pointless. All such a waste. People should stop putting that on their kids.

This. I can understand staying if you're still trying to work out how you feel etc, but to already know this and choose to continue is very wrong.