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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My H makes me feel sick

88 replies

StrangerBings · 06/01/2023 20:00

To be honest I don't know where to start.

He had an affair for a year, 6 years ago now. Denied he had sex but i am not stupid. Worked with her. It ended, as he was afraid of loosing everything. I took him back. I wish I hadn't.

If this thread is anything, it should be a warning about trying to forgive someone who cheats.

I hate him. I'm stuck here with him. Why didn't I tell him to stay away when he was desperate to 'keep' me. I'm in my mid-50's, with a child still at home. It takes every ounce of strength to pretend I'm happy.

Don't be me. Please.

OP posts:
Nothingbuttheglory · 06/01/2023 20:25

He had the affair yet he is always checking what I'm doing. Even whilst messaging on here hes been asking me what I'm doing. Is that normal?

It's normal for controlling bastards and/or people who cheat.

Not generally normal.

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 06/01/2023 20:28

Don't waste another two years. Your child will understand.

Leave tomorrow. Life is to short op.

Original poster
StrangerBings · 06/01/2023 20:29

Thank you everyone. I've had this for the last 5/6 years. I've tried to fake it. Persuade myself it's right. It's not. It's eating me up. It's not about money. I've had nothing before and I don't care l. It's about living and life. My child is so sensitive so I want to try and get through the next two years if I can. It's just really hard.

OP posts:
Atethehalloweenchocs · 06/01/2023 20:31

Sorry, but if your child is sensitive, wouldnt they be better off out of this environment?

bloodyplanes · 06/01/2023 20:32

defi · 06/01/2023 20:01

Disgust has a purpose, keeps us from poisoning ourselves.

I never thought of it this way, but its so so true!

toocold54 · 06/01/2023 20:32

For your child’s sake, you need to end the relationship.

We are responsible for our own lives and own happiness and you can’t really blame your husband for being miserable when you chose to forgive him and stay all of these years.

Original poster
StrangerBings · 06/01/2023 20:34

The issue is that the environment is fine. Nobody knows I'm so unhappy. I'm a good actor!!

OP posts:
lamaze1 · 06/01/2023 20:35

No him checking on you isn't normal. His mental health issues don't trump your happiness. You can't sacrifice yourself for him.

Goodread1 · 06/01/2023 20:47

Hi Op

Your husband sounds like a Manipulative/Controlling Arsehole ,

Stop letting your Manipulative and extremely Controlling husband sabotage you from leaving him for good,

He is using his mental health issues as emotional blackmail barging chip to keep you in this emotional bondage of a husk of relationship,

He is fearful of being abandoned by you, as he wants the security , home comforts of marriage, but not the extra effort of working /reflecting on himself through anti depression medication and therapy..

He had a affair to give his fragile/or massive ego a much needed emotional boost,

What's stopping in future from needing an extra top up boost, when he is struggling emotionally,
If he doesn't seek help to address this then?

Understandable you have checked out emotionally from this marriage, I don't blame to be honest,

He gives you ick creeps revolts you pointless being with him

Goodread1 · 06/01/2023 20:48

Oops I ment to say your husband is using his mental health as a bargaining chip ect...

Aquamarine1029 · 06/01/2023 20:49

The only person making you miserable is YOU. You absolutely can leave him, you are just choosing not to, for some fucking crazy reason. Stop being your own worst enemy and get divorced.

Branleuse · 06/01/2023 20:51

You do not have to stay with him just because he insists on it. Hes not your owner. His MH is his own problem. He didnt show you anywhere near the loyalty you show him when he screwed his co worker.

Thatsasmashingblouseyouvegoton · 06/01/2023 20:55

StrangerBings · 06/01/2023 20:29

Thank you everyone. I've had this for the last 5/6 years. I've tried to fake it. Persuade myself it's right. It's not. It's eating me up. It's not about money. I've had nothing before and I don't care l. It's about living and life. My child is so sensitive so I want to try and get through the next two years if I can. It's just really hard.

Yeah.
That was my sisters plan.
Til she became suicidal.

Alcemeg · 06/01/2023 20:57

StrangerBings · 06/01/2023 20:34

The issue is that the environment is fine. Nobody knows I'm so unhappy. I'm a good actor!!

You might not be as good an actor as you think. People notice more than we realise.

To feel this way, be conscious of it, and still stay is not a sensible way to live, OP. I hope you can find your way out this year.

Worldpeaceandallthat · 06/01/2023 21:00

Happened to my mum, the cheating. She took him back for 3 years before she decided she couldn't take it anymore (domestic abuse too). I honestly thank her from the bottom of my heart for being so brave. I didn't realise how unhappy I was until we were in a new place and able to heal and feel happy. You can do the same. You absolutely can. As for exams, DC has your love and support, that's all that matters.

Isthisexpected · 06/01/2023 21:04

His mental health issues aren't your problem. If he was well enough to make an affair work for a year I'm astounded you gave the relationship another chance given he never stopped lying to you. Staying with someone who cheats isn't the wrong thing to do for everyone. Staying with someone who continues to maintain they didn't cheat after a year's affair is absolute madness though. There can be no hope of moving forward from that.

WTF475878237NC · 06/01/2023 21:05

The only person making you miserable is YOU.

^ this. You're sabotaging your own happiness.

Whydidimarryhim · 06/01/2023 21:06

He sounds a very manipulative man - he’s high functioning - his behaviour is to control you - is it not time to focus on YOU. 🌺

Always4Brenner · 06/01/2023 21:08

I’ve walked from someone with mental health issue I was so miserable it wasn’t true it’s only since leaving I now realise how miserable I was. I’m much happier now. Please make plans

LordSugarTits · 06/01/2023 21:09

Oh give over. You're not a good actor. Your kids know, everyone knows and he's doing alright to be able to hold down his high pressures job so there's only you stopping you from leaving.

Sorry to sound harsh but you're just making up excuses.

sianiboo · 06/01/2023 21:11

My mother took my father back after he cheated - and it wasn't the first time - when I was 10. But she never actually forgave him for cheating and our home life was 'difficult' until he finally had his exit affair and left her for another woman when I was 21.

It was obvious to anyone with working eyes - especially her 3 children - that my mother was not happy. She probably still thinks she had us all fooled, that she put on a good act of being happily married...couldn't be further from the truth. There was zero affection between my parents and none shown to us, either. Constant bitchy comments from my mother and just plain non-participation in family life from my father. Most weekends you'd be lucky to get 10 words out of him, he'd just sit in a corner of the living room, headphones on listening to his records on the stereo system. We never went anywhere, or did anything, as a family...no holidays, days out etc. I can still see my mother sat in the front passenger seat of the car, arms folded and a face like a cat's bum if we did have to go anywhere as a family. Towards the end she stopped pretending full stop and I didn't dare have friends/boyfriends around to the family home as I never knew if she was going to try and pick a fight with my father in front of us all (not that we were encouraged to have friends home).

That was over 30 years ago, and I still say the biggest service she could have done myself and my two brothers as a mother would have been to leave him when I was 10. Even she admits that now.

Francisca459 · 06/01/2023 21:13

OP I would do it now, honestly. The older you get, the harder it will be to leave, not easier!

RamsayBoltonsConscience · 06/01/2023 21:19

dylanthedragon · 06/01/2023 20:08

His mental health problems are not your responsibility.

This, absolutely!

RunnerDown · 06/01/2023 21:21

People who have serious mental health issues don’t usually work in high paid, high pressure jobs unless they have an illness which is being very well controlled by medication. And people with severe mental health issues usually have support from mental health services. Are you talking about a formally diagnosed mental illness or are you talking about difficult behaviours as there is a huge difference.
Regardless of any of that there is little point in continuing on in a relationship that makes you feel sick. Your resentment can only grow and it’s hard to imagine that a sensitive child won’t pick up on that vibe no matter how good the acting is

QueenOf1969 · 06/01/2023 21:26

I’ve been in your position and I’m not going to tell you it’s easy as it’s anything but, but you absolutely can and should leave. I took 2 years to do it and the following 12 months were horrendously difficult dealing with the guilt and the emotional manipulation I got, but 7 years down the line I’m a totally different woman! I’m so much stronger, happier and my only regret is not doing it sooner!

To repeat your own words - please don’t be me! You can do this xx