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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Alcoholic Husband Drinking Again

67 replies

Tatteredlace · 05/01/2023 20:46

We have been married for 12 years, and the last 18 months have been horrendous... to the point where I've looked into a divorce because of his constant lies, drinking, and even drug taking behind my back.

He knows where we're at, but we decided to give it one last go on the agreement that there are no lies, no drinking, and he gets help. He says this relationship is what he wants, and he won't fall back into the toxic behaviour.

I open the front door tonight to see him walking up the path with a beer, he thinks I haven't seen him and tries to hide it but I make it quite clear that I have and I'm not happy, in the slightest.

Our relationship, marriage, and family means nothing to him, and he is willing to throw it away (again) for drink.

What would you do in my situation? Do I kick him out and start the divorce process?

OP posts:

Mumjugglingkidsandteaching · 05/01/2023 20:48

He won't change. You need time apart to think. Do you have kids?

Always4Brenner · 05/01/2023 20:48

Start divorce you’re life is ruined otherwise the worry of eats away at you as you know hugs handhold.

JamSandle · 05/01/2023 20:50

Has this been a repeated pattern over a long time?

Is there anything that has set off his drinking?

Cyberworrier · 05/01/2023 20:53

I’m sorry, OP.
I think you know the answer, which is sad and difficult to face. I had to separate from my husband in the summer, due to a year of chaos caused by his drinking, drug taking and lies. I tried so hard to fix things and get him help- but ultimately he didn’t want my help and he needed to want to change for any change to happen. The good news from my perspective and I think this will be true for you, is that life is much more peaceful and happy when you’re not living with- and feeling responsible for- an alcoholic. You never know- you leaving may be a catalyst for him to actually get help and change. But while you’re there putting up with his behaviour, he has no incentive to change. Ultimately you need to focus on yourself and your children.

Dottymug · 05/01/2023 20:54

Depends on whether you want to continue to be lied to and live a life which you say yourself has been horrendous. He isn't taking your ultimatum seriously and any promises he makes now can be taken with a wheelbarrow of salt. But it's up to you what you do. Can you live like this or not?

Original poster

Tatteredlace · 05/01/2023 20:57

We have 2 children.

He's done it before, a few times actually, and blamed it on 'demons'. There's a family history of alcoholism and I've chosen to stand by him but not without giving very clear expectations and boundaries... no drugs and no alcohol. I don't even have alcohol in the house because I don't want to tempt him.

OP posts:

Dottymug · 05/01/2023 20:58

@JamSandle if the Op asks him he will come up with a multitude of reasons. There will be so much blame attributed and so many excuses made. But when it comes down to it, the reasons aren't the Op's problem. His behaviour is.

Starlightstarbright1 · 05/01/2023 20:58

I have been where you are.

It isn't as simplistic as he doesn't care but will continue as he is .. you gave an ultimation . If you don't follow through he will continue anyway.

Its really hard to accept drink has a higher priority than you... you will be happier on your own

Lividity · 05/01/2023 21:00

I’ve been in your shoes.

You have to understand that your ultimatum won’t and can’t change someone else’s behaviour.

You can only choose your own actions.

He won’t change, so you either accept a life with a drunk or you leave. I know it isn’t easy and you probably won’t do it right away. But he will grind you down until you have to save yourself and your kids.

pointythings · 05/01/2023 21:04

You leave. You've given him enough chances. It's now time to put yourself and your children first so yes, get that divorce started. Your life will be so much better without having to worry about whether he has been drinking, how much, what he will be like (voice of bitter experience). Good luck.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/01/2023 21:16

Like so many posts of this type, it’s mainly about the alcoholic.

I would start to firm up your plans now to divorce your alcoholic husband. His primary relationship is with drink, it’s not with you and it’s not been with you ever either.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. Many such spouses play out the usual roles of codependent partners, enabler and provoker (because you never forget). BTW did you yourself grow up seeing a heavily drinking parent?.

The 3cs of alcoholism are you did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it.

You have a choice re this man, your children do not.
Do not make your husband’s drinking the cornerstone of their childhood. They are learning about relationships from the two of you so do not further do your bit here to continue to teach them such damaging lessons.

hopeahead · 05/01/2023 21:28

I was in your exact position. I divorced my husband. Nothing or no one could have prepared me for what was to come. It took me five years to get through the divorce because at the beginning I thought I was dealing with someone who cared about our children. But when it's a choice between family, the right thing to do or drink, drink always wins.

Original poster

Tatteredlace · 05/01/2023 21:30

Both of his parents were alcoholics and both died as a result of their addictions. He's witnessed that first hand, so why is he choosing that for himself?

He's a great Dad, he really is, and our children are blissfully unaware of his issues with addiction.. but they see the struggles we have with each other. I'm just so devastated that he has chosen alcohol over his family. Again.

He knew what the consequences would be, but he went and did it anyway because that's what he wants.

OP posts:

cosmicbabe · 05/01/2023 21:32

He needs rehab. If he hasn't tried that yet surly that's worth a go before giving up on him ?

OverTheRubicon · 05/01/2023 21:33

Great dads don't drink like this, nor act like this.

He needs to leave, and you should contact Al Anon in your area to find others who have been in your situation.

Wolfiefan · 05/01/2023 21:34

He isn’t a great dad.
They will know.
You have set boundaries and he’s repeatedly trampled all over them. Enough is enough.

ShakespearesBlister · 05/01/2023 21:35

The question is where are your boundaries really if you have them in place but they are constantly ignored and you just keep taking him back? As painful as it is going to be I think your boundaries need to be enforced now. Ask him to leave to give you space apart so that you can think clearly about this because you know he can't change. It isn't possible until he gets help off his own back. Make this about the children. Remember that how you handle this going forward is what they are being taught about what a relationship looks like. This isn't the kind of relationship you want them to be in as adults. Perhaps contact AA as a loved one to get your own support and advice for life without an alcoholic.

Grimsknee · 05/01/2023 21:41

Please don't think your children are blissfully unaware.

GrumpyOldBastard · 05/01/2023 21:46

I left my alcoholic exH after 7 years and 2 children. It was hard to leave because there was always the hope that he’d stop drinking and become the lovely guy I fell in love with again, but he did stop drinking on and off, and you’re just on eggshells the whole time, worried that something will set him off.
Alcoholism is sad, painful and absolutely infuriating.
Since we divorced, my ex has got so bad that he can’t even stay sober for a day to have the kids, so he has no access.
No one would choose to be an alcoholic. I do feel sorry for him, but only he has the power to change.
I went to Al-anon meetings (for families of alcoholics) for a long time and found it really helpful to hear from people who’d been there too.

Sandra1984 · 05/01/2023 21:49

He can’t do this by himself, he needs psychological help. You don’t quit addictions by Will power, that’s just nonsense. He needs to spend a month in a rehab facility, get counselling, medication that helps you quit etc… staying at home and hoping will power will have him quit drinking is magical thinking.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 05/01/2023 21:50

It is so hard for addicts to kick their addictions. I don't necessarily think it is a reflection on how much he loves you. However, as you know, you cannot trust anything addicts say and only you can decide how much of this you can tolerate. I would also be concerned about the impact on your children - they always know more that we think they do.

Proteinpudding · 05/01/2023 21:51

Tatteredlace · 05/01/2023 21:30

Both of his parents were alcoholics and both died as a result of their addictions. He's witnessed that first hand, so why is he choosing that for himself?

He knew what the consequences would be, but he went and did it anyway because that's what he wants.

Child of alcoholics here too. Everyone's experience will be different of course, but in ours - of four of us, one developed a heroin habit and died from suicide, two developed alcohol issues albeit have by and large managed to overcome it.
From the outside it looks like a choice but from the inside it isn't. Usually it's complicated - emotional issues from the bad childhood, lack of positive role modelling, lack of healthy coping strategies. And once you've drank enough of it, alcohol starts to change how your brain works, so that only alcohol 'helps' (albeit very temporarily) and nothing else will do.

None of this justifies you or your children being around to witness it of course. But please don't take his addiction as an indication of his choice, or how he feels about his family. The life of a dependent drinker, once progressed, is horrible. No one logically chooses it.

Sandra1984 · 05/01/2023 21:52

By the way, my ex became an alcoholic (police officer with lots of stress), he spent one month in a rehab facility and that seemed to do the trick. He’s a new man 3years later. God bless rehab.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/01/2023 21:53

Do not ever kid yourself your children are unaware. They are not daft and they know that things are bad between you and their dad. At the very least they pick up on all the vibes, both spoken and unspoken, between you.

Why did you write that he is a good dad?. Women in poor relationships write that when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. If he is not a good h to you he is not a good dad to his children.

Unless he himself and of his own accord decided to address the issues behind his alcoholism, there is nothing you can do to help him and he is not candidate for rehab at this time either.

Cyberworrier · 05/01/2023 21:55

OP, I’m not surprised to read his sad family history of alcoholism. My husband had a traumatic family history involving alcohol, violence, etc.

It isn’t as simple as him choosing alcohol. He may well be traumatised and in this state thinks he copes or manages better by drinking (clearly not true). The whys and hows are irrelevant however. The bottom line is that you can’t fix him, he needs to want to fix himself.

I assume you have tried to get him to get help in past 18 months to no avail? If only it was as simple as getting an alcoholic to try rehab. Some will go, but some won’t. It’s not easy or recommended to try to get someone there against their will.

I recommend smart recovery friends and family for support OP. And I know others have mentioned AlAnon. It makes such a difference hearing to other people in a similar position.

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