Alcoholic Husband Drinking Again

[Tatteredlace]

We have been married for 12 years, and the last 18 months have been horrendous... to the point where I've looked into a divorce because of his constant lies, drinking, and even drug taking behind my back.

He knows where we're at, but we decided to give it one last go on the agreement that there are no lies, no drinking, and he gets help. He says this relationship is what he wants, and he won't fall back into the toxic behaviour.

I open the front door tonight to see him walking up the path with a beer, he thinks I haven't seen him and tries to hide it but I make it quite clear that I have and I'm not happy, in the slightest.

Our relationship, marriage, and family means nothing to him, and he is willing to throw it away (again) for drink.

What would you do in my situation? Do I kick him out and start the divorce process?

Alcoholism can also be learnt and the fact his parents were both alcoholics is of no surprise to me at all.

You have a choice re this man, your children do not. Make better choices with them at the forefront of your mind along with your own self, not him.

I’ve definitely known alcoholics who managed to stop.
None without rehab though (and not the couple of weeks type) : he’s not choosing alcohol over you anymore, at this level his brain has been wired to the addiction. It can definitely be somewhat rewired (not quite completely) with time and appropriate treatment (as in proper rehab with proper specialists, and definitely not a couple of weeks). If he’s willing to change you can give him an ultimatum to rehab, but to stopping is pointless.
Right now it’s at the level of a medical condition : once his brain has healed a little, then yes, the personal strength/will does strongly step in. Support groups can help.

If you haven’t tried this option and wish to, it’s worth it. If you have (it can take a couple of stays - after a couple though I admit I don’t know anyone who managed, but 2 is frequent), it’s a bit more complicated.

Please don’t think it’s about putting alcohol above your family. It is a medical condition at this point.

But he needs to do the work. Actually many of the people I know (I’ve volunteered a lot with children in social care, so it’s only second hand witnessed) weren’t authorised contact with family first couple of weeks, then progressively).

I hope this helps if only a little. I’m not in any way judging your reactions, or whichever choice you make, but it is not true that alcoholics can’t be proven, there is extensive research on this. It depends a lot on the individual, but it can work. I don’t know the statistics, but they’re not as dismal as commonly thought.

That’s great to hear, 3 years is great indicator.
I probably should have added that length of stay also depends on severity of addiction and quality of rehab is very important also

I can't believe the amount of people telling you to give up on him. Addiction isn't easy to get over. He needs rehab

Thank you all for the advice and support.

You're all absolutely right, I need to focus on my children and what is right for them. They don't deserve this and as much as they love and adore him and won't understand, I have to do whats right and he needs to go.

I've invested 16 years in this relationship, and I just don't have it in me to go through this anymore, and I can't allow my children to go through it either.

We're in the middle of a texting argument, and he is in complete denial, coming up with the usual excuses and explanations, and I can't do the 'supportive' thing anymore. It's selfish, I know, but I don't want this life anymore.

Regarding why would he do what his parents did, when my mum was depressed she turned to smoking (tobacco). When I got older and went through a depression : tobacco. I don’t have an explanation for it, I’ve never asked my doctor. But I’ve noticed it in my teens I volunteer with too sometimes, a psychologist once told me it could be a kind of way to prove to themselves that by not becoming addicted themselves it was absolutely their parents’ free choice to ruin their lives, or just some kind of reflex coping mechanism they knew. I can’t say really, it was only one conversation, and it’s not the age group I’ve mostly worth with (I’m with primary age)
I had been removed by SS younger (which is why I volunteer now, for 10 years now) for context

Tell him that, you can’t be supportive anymore and you don’t want this life anymore.
Tell him you can’t change him, only he can do that. You can only chose how to respond to the situation and you chose to withdraw until HE decides what is important to him.
Good luck 💐

Choose

It’s not selfish at all. There is nothing you can personally do, all I wished to convey that if he hasn’t tried rehab it can be the only ultimatum worth trying, a medical condition needs medical help.
You can tell him if he goes through with it you’ll reevaluate after X time how he’s doing, at least for safe future contact with children. You don’t have to stay in the relationship yourself though, like in any relationship.
Best of luck

ALANON gave me the courage and support to leave - other members prefer to stay and accept the situation

I am sure if you try it can help you make decisions as well as understand him and yourself better

I am not religious in any way and I didn't feel the need to stay in the programme past separation - but I don't believe I would have the strength to make decisions without their help

There was a wonderful online forum support back then, as helpful as the meetings - if you want to have a look, let me know and I can try and dig it out for you

I am completely on your side here. This isn't the life you wanted. You have told him again and again and it clearly means nothing to him. Time to put your money where your mouth is and tell him it's over.

It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.
He will not heal without medical help. You say he is a great dad. You will not be able to leave them with him EOW if he’s still drinking.
Everyone with a medical condition deserves a chance at medical help, ime.
You can separate if you wish, that is completely your choice.
In a way, for now you are protecting your children, but still leaving the door open for a future relationship with their dad.
It can take pushing to accept you are ill, maybe framing it as an opportunity to heal (phrasing it as a medical condition, no fighting, no blame), is worth that last effort at this ultimatum. There is no predicting if he will sink or swim, but you will know you have tried.

Sorry I’m posting so much, I can’t edit.
It as you can imagine a somewhat non unusual with parents of children in care.
It will be easier to explain to your children that dad loved them, but he had an illness that the doctors couldn’t manage to cure. You do have to go through the the doctors route for that. Even pushing to rehab is not necessarily your responsibility, but it is unlikely he will register alone. I only mention it because you mentioned previously ultimatums had worked sometimes for a while.
Again, none of this is your fault - but it’s not at this stage his either.

Your title
"alcoholic husband drinking AGAIN"

This says it all
Why subject yourself and your kids to living with an alcoholic???

You know he's an alcoholic - please do the right thing here and leave

Freaking me again !
Doing it now is the good time for you’re children. I think a major helpful factor for me was being removed at 10 (luckily lovely grandparents able to take me), and even that is not exactly young for these things.
With younger children it’s easier to frame, less damage, teens were so hard as they had seen way too much.
The kids won’t know the difference much now, and really being able to say he did love them but had a medical condition that doctors couldn’t cure, like many others, does make a world of a difference.

It can be horrendous to get them to accept rehab or anything psychiatric in general. I never had that type of closure with my parents. While my doctors strongly suspect a condition she has really all the signs of, she’s never accepted to consult because ‘I’m not crazy’. We’re LC because of this. I would have really wanted confirmation she was ill and not just chose to voluntarily neglect me because she didn’t care.

Sorry, I’ll try to shut up now ! Feel free if you have any questions though

It’s not “giving up on him” by separating or leaving. It is not enabling him any more and not putting your children in a dysfunctional household.

He needs to know that his actions have consequences and he is choosing to not get help for himself (and choosing to lie) and so, the consequences are losing the stability he has taken for granted.

He can choose rehab and to actually get clean. Then he can choose to do anything that you need him to do in order to reconcile but he WILL get worse the longer she stays and he will just likely get better at covering his tracks.

OP you told him no drink or drugs, you have no choice but to stand by that if you want to be respected and valued. Please don’t choose to accept his low efforts and other BS you teach him how to treat you and he is not treating you right OP. He’s just not.

He doesn’t see a problem with how he’s acting and you continuing to support him won’t change that viewpoint. He’s got yo see that his actions are very much a real problem, and that you are serious.

if he wants to get serious then he needs to make this happen for himself, you, and of course the children.

I cannot believe he’s so sloppy as to come waltzing up the walk with a beer in hand… so disrespectful

sorry OP, this must be so difficult. I hope you have a good in real life support system

Just to be clear, I agree with the first three paragraphs.

Except the choosing rehab part : it’s just not that frequent. In the cases I’ve seen where it happened it was the SS issuing ultimatums to be able to get the kids back, or at least contact. OP is doing the same in a way, by leaving. The fact that she says he’s a great dad gives me hope he may heal. It can take a village to convince, and the more people involved the higher chances. OP I think has done all she could. The only last possibility she can explore for the sake of the children is the village approach : ex ask a SS person to clearly tell him he will absolutely not be allowed any access to the kids if he does not enter rehab. If only for her peace of mind, and the future peace of mind of her children. I’m not saying it will work, all you can do is try, and mostly force, for which yes, a first step is leaving, but it needs to be clear to him that he will never have access to his children again.

I think if alcohol runs in his family, it is very hard to kick. It runs in mine too. Both parents 150 plus units a week until they died prematurely. I don’t drink like that but am still 40-50 units a week. The problem is that unlike drugs, alcohol is so accessible. No one ever stops you at the supermarket or pub and tells you to stop. They actively encourage you to drink with their offers etc. it’s hard. I wish I could stop but I’ve tried and I can’t seem to do it for a prolonged period despite my parents woes. It’s a tough addiction.

I don’t think we disagree. I Tom think it should be a village approach with hardline action. i think what I mean by him “choosing” to go to rehab or getting help is that he will be faced with the very real cost of his actions and then he can decide. But if he does not fly straight and get healthy then his toxicity is only a leech on the happiness of those he is around.

Same page I think!

loving the village idea. No sugar coating it or hiding. He will knows exactly how his actions hurt others and more than that, he will know that everyone else is aware of what is really going on here.

It is my experience that addicts wise up only when they realize they have no one else but themselves to blame and nobody but themselves to save. I know of people and family members where they either got clean because:

1. They hit TRUE rock bottom and (I know of one who got HIV back in the 90s… he got clean soon after). True rock and total bottom.
2. They realized that their family was hurt by their addiction and was no longer going to co-sign on their BS and enable. They were all alone and nobody was going to give them a hand in their race to the bottom.

I am sure others know of other ways addicts decide to get help. My experience is just my own but I can say this….

It is very unwise to let an addict of anything around your children. It is neglectful of their needs and safety. Accountability and responsibility are things healthy people grow up with and learn. Addicts are incapable of modeling that behavior.

Just really shitty for OP. He comes up the walk sipping his beer without giving one toss of what that will mean to his family.

So this morning, the denial has stopped. He has admitted how long he has been drinking for again, around 2 months. He has said he is sorry, that he wishes he could be a better man - the usual.

What's different is that he said he has found a local AANON group, and he is going tonight. This is hugely different because he has never approached any type of addiction support group before.

Now what? Do I still keep him away from us? Do I swoop in and offer support because I don't want him to mess this opportunity up.

That’s really great to hear.

Is he violent in any way when he drinks ? Is there a risk of violence to you or your children ? This would be my main worry re: leaving right now, obviously you can still support him from afar. I’d say just focus on tonight and then you’ll see how things go.

At this stage it’s fingers crossed the group will encourage him to go to rehab. They would I imagine know plenty, and they will be able to introduce him to people who have succeeded.

Do you know which group it is by any chance ? You might just want to ring them, to know their general approach, advice for yourself. You can just say you want to be on the same page. I doubt they’d accept names (well, I don’t know, but as the whole point is anonymous and they have no proof who you are…).

It’s great that he’s willing to go. I imagine, I hope you don’t mind me mentioning, that you may be wondering is this really what he thinks or is he doing it to placate you : try to focus that it’s really hard to take the first step, even a tiny seed of doubt planted in his mind is great.

This is the part where, I really hope for you, that you can hope the professionals will take over. AA isn’t therapy, he won’t need likely 10 sessions. They will be very accepting and non judgmental hopefully, and a huge factor is being around absence of stigma and people who have succeeded.

Be prepared that he may freak out and run ; you can only hope the group will handle it well, he wouldn’t be the first. Ex suggest coming back in a little while, this part is just guessing though, I don’t know the inside. You’ll at least get some sort of estimate idea of the timeline.

I would definitely focus on today : on praise and how happy you are and proud. That you know it’s a medical condition that’s not his fault, that you know he wants to be a could dad (maybe avoid the word husband, don’t make false promises.
So, for now, yes, all positive attitude, if possible big hugs from the kids before going, just focus on getting him to that first meeting.

Afterwards there’s less you can do. You can only hope. Ideal scenario is he gets into rehab and it’s all managed there by the professionals, you won’t have to decide much, they’ll advise you. As would happen with any medical condition.

There’s never any guarantees, but this is a good step towards at least trying (don’t phrase it like that to him). I would think a call to AA to ask for their advice would be worth it : tell them exactly what he told you this morning.

Then just take it from there.

Best wishes, hang in there for today, and try not to think about tomorrow or even further, life can go so many ways, all you can do is give it a chance. Re getting your hopes up or not, it’s the same re anything you try to achieve in life, it’s just trying your best (you have, and now you can only hope professionals will step in), and hope for the best.

My DH is an alcoholic. Was admitted to hospital last year with liver impairment, was referred to SMART recovery unit. AA was not a good fit for him, but he goes to daily meetings with another group and has had 10 days residential detox.

Its an ongoing battle and he has had 2 periods of relapse (a few days each time. I am staying for the battle - we don't have children though

He needs to reach rock bottom to admit there is a problem. Realative spent 3 months in rehab 5 yrs ago and never looked back. Had lost licence job home marriage. Different person now and part time dad. Still goes to NA and AA...counsels youngsters. It had to come from himself.

Probably mentioned above but AL anon al-anonuk.org.uk/ has some great advice.

personally I think you step back and concentrate on you and the kids. Let him work it out but have an exit plan.

If he shows he's serious about getting sober this time fair enough,i but be careful - it's so easy to get sucked back in. He needs to commit to rehab, regular meetings (preferably daily if possible near you or online) and he needs to address his reasons for drinking to excess. If he's just toughing it out he will relapse again and again.

Admitting he has a problem is a big step though, mine never did that.