Alcoholic Husband Drinking Again

[Tatteredlace]

We have been married for 12 years, and the last 18 months have been horrendous... to the point where I've looked into a divorce because of his constant lies, drinking, and even drug taking behind my back.

He knows where we're at, but we decided to give it one last go on the agreement that there are no lies, no drinking, and he gets help. He says this relationship is what he wants, and he won't fall back into the toxic behaviour.

I open the front door tonight to see him walking up the path with a beer, he thinks I haven't seen him and tries to hide it but I make it quite clear that I have and I'm not happy, in the slightest.

Our relationship, marriage, and family means nothing to him, and he is willing to throw it away (again) for drink.

What would you do in my situation? Do I kick him out and start the divorce process?

Unfortunately I sadly doubt his new found state of epiphany will at all last. He has perhaps sensed in and from you that his gravy train is about to hit the buffers.

re your comment in quotemarks
"Now what? Do I still keep him away from us?"

Yes

"Do I swoop in and offer support because I don't want him to mess this opportunity up".

No, you will only enable him by doing that and that gives you a false sense of control. You and your kids need to come first now, not your alcoholic.

We're in the middle of a texting argument, and he is in complete denial, coming up with the usual excuses and explanations, and I can't do the 'supportive' thing anymore. It's selfish, I know, but I don't want this life anymore.
Why do you feel YOU are the selfish one here?

So this morning, the denial has stopped. He has admitted how long he has been drinking for again, around 2 months. He has said he is sorry, that he wishes he could be a better man - the usual.

What's different is that he said he has found a local AANON group, and he is going tonight. This is hugely different because he has never approached any type of addiction support group before.
So he's changed tack.
Nothing is "different" though.
All that has happened is that he has finally owned his lies, & he has told you about a local group.
"Different" is when he has attended that group for a year without fail.
When he stops making excuses.
When he stops looking to you to prop him up with endless support.
There is no guarantee he will be one of the few who are able to do that.

Now what? Do I still keep him away from us? Do I swoop in and offer support because I don't want him to mess this opportunity up.
DO NOT SWOOP.
This is not your disease, & only he can support himself through dealing with it. If he chooses to.
The best thing you can do for yourself now is find an AlAnon group for yourself. YOU are the one who needs support here. YOU are the one keeping the household going & the kids ok. YOU are the one who has been lied to & affected by HIS actions. YOUR mental health is important.

Nobody here can tell you what to do.
But I urge you to do what is best for YOU & the kids, not your H.
And to do what you WANT, not guilt trip yourself with nonsense about "selfishness". It's not selfish - it's survival. & preserving what you can for you & the DC.
Because you could spend the rest of your life enabling a drunk, if H chooses not to engage with recovery. And you, & your DC's lives are too precious to be sacrificed to the whims of an alcoholic.

You can't fix him. No one can, only himself. But he needs to space to do it successfully.

Saying he will go to a meeting isn't enough. He's saying it because he knows you are going to walk. You need to walk away. Give him the time to get better. He can have to option to come back in a year.

Your kids do see his behaviour. They hear him slur his words, fall, argue, wet himself. They will see and understand more as they grow older. It's learned behaviour- don't let them develop this relationship with alcohol.

You can walk away and still leave the door open. But you do need to walk away.

OP this is such a tough one. As an alcoholic in recovery myself, I was ready to type a response saying to leave him, he can only get better when he wants to help himself etc.

Now I have seen your message that he's going to attend AA - this could be what pulls him into sobriety. It might not be. There may well be relapses. He may decide not to engage.

AA is what stopped me drinking and I have now been completely sober for over 3 years. Before AA, I'd tried every single method I could do myself to stop drinking and none of it worked. Alcohol addiction has such a powerful grip over someone that it's often impossible to stop drinking without outside intervention, however it's also impossible to convince an alcoholic to seek help and engage with that intervention unless they genuinely want to get help themselves.

To this day, I don't know how AA managed to help me. I went from someone who was drinking a bottle of wine and a small bottle of vodka every night, if not more, to just never drinking again. I had to hit rock bottom before I sought help, but AA changed my life and it has the potential to change your DP's too.

If, however, he is simply getting in touch with AA to create the illusion he's working on his addiction while still drinking, it won't help him at all. If he's just trying to placate you because he's, yet again, been caught lying to you, it won't have much of an impact.

AA also isn't like therapy. You can't have 5, 10 or 15 sessions and then be done and walk away "cured". In almost all alcoholics who engage with AA, AA is for life. Many of the members I attend AA with haven't touched a drop of alcohol for decades but they keep coming back, because that's how AA works.

Addiction can only excuse so much - he is still lying to you and deceiving you and there's only so much of this that one person can tolerate before it really begins to break them. Don't let yourself be worn down mentally due to his behaviour that he may not have any intention of changing.

Many addicts in the grips of addiction often can't see the damage they are causing to their loved ones and when they can, it doesn't register in the same way. It's as if it's just an obstacle to get past in order to get what they want (in this case, alcohol).

It's completely your decision as to whether or not you stay with him, but if you do decide to give him another chance, I'd suggest for your own mental health it may be advisable to separate and live independently while he works on AA.

Sadly i suspect it is the minimum he can do to keep you.

No don't be all gushing - well done. I very doubt he seen the light more feels cornered.

I've had the begging messages all day saying he can change, he will stay sober, for me not to do this to us... I just can't deal with this right now.

I've been lied to for 2 months. I've been betrayed by this man repeatedly even though I've stood by him, supported him, dealt with the most horrendous abuse and still took him back because its not 'him' its the alcohol and its the addictions but I just can't do this anymore. I don't know this man anymore. I just want to be happy.

He has been violent in the past, and he has been emotionally abusive, too. He spent months gaslighting me, and my mental health took a nosedive as a result, but I still took him back, and he was under no illusion that it was his last chance to get it right.

You're all right... it isn't selfish of me to need and want better.

Unfortunately, I don't have a huge support network that I can turn to, and honestly, I'm a bit embarrassed to tell those who I could trust that this is happening all over again. I feel like a complete fool. I should never have taken him back before and I've put myself and my children through it because I wanted to trust someone that doesn't know how to be honest and doesn't know how to right thing, whether it's his fault or not... I should have known better.

I've had the begging messages all day saying he can change, he will stay sober, for me not to do this to us ...

Unfortunately the underlined bit suggests he's taking no real responsibility for this at all, and that the AANON meetings are likely to be a smokescreen, quickly dropped once you're "back in your box"

The obvious alternative is to tell him to leave while he gets treatment and that you'll reconsider depending on how it goes, but of course only you can make that decision

Given your history and your update I think you should go ahead with the divorce. It isn't even the relapse into drinking, it's the lying that's the killer. That's what prompted me to push on with the divorce when my late H relapsed. If he'd stepped up and told me honestly, it would have been different but he lied to my face, again and again, until I found the fucking bottle.

If he really is willing to change then he can get on and do it whilst you separate from him and put yourself first. You never know this could be the making of him and he sticks to it and you reconcile but where you are at the moment is not sustainable. If you take him back he’ll always think you’ll continuously forgive and support him.

It’s ok to want to not be with him and support him once again, it’s not selfish at all. He’s the one who’s been selfish and words are cheap.

OP there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed about : you’re a lovely, strong person, your kids will honestly not remember after a while, but yes now is the time at some point to leave.

Just please don’t take it personally : he already is vulnerable by alcoholics in the family (I couldn’t explain the details but some people are basically more fragile to addiction than others : if you take me for instance, and my best friend went through the same actually, at different times, for a good 3 months for her she was just drinking when she got home late in the evenings exhausted, me I don’t really remember but I’d say a bit more ; we had no trouble stopping, but we’re lucky, our brains just aren’t fragile re addictions).
It really is a medical issue at this point. Just try not to think too much about what he could have done and focus on what you have done : your absolute best, and I’m sure your children growing up will be proud of you for that.

His brain can heal, just not 100% alcohol wise with rehab : meaning he can’t drink again afterwards because he’ll always have that remaining fragility, it’s a risk.

You have done everything you could. You are right to step away and protect yourself and your children.

Is he actually still going to the meeting tonight ?

Your job is done. You don’t have to give absolute final decisions and ultimatums, simply stating that he will have access to his kids only once he’s better (the sentence is deliberately framed in a positive way). He does need to have something to strive for, and seeing his kids is that. You on the other hand, your job is done, yes. The only thing you can still do is support him in taking those first steps, and include anyone you can think about that could help - and ideally take over : you can set yourself a time limit that you feel comfortable with : you leave, but you remain in contact and him with the kids to remind him about has he started the process. Hopefully he will and they can take over, there’s not much more you can do, just please feel proud that you will be able one day to confidently say to your kids : your dad had an illness, I tried everything I could, unfortunately it was not curable and he is still unwell.

It could be he’s trying to smooth the edges by just showing up at AA with no intention of really engaging, yes.
It could however happen, that they do manage to engage him.
There’s just no way to know, at this point he is quite advanced in his condition, I’m not sure it’s that simple to say it’s voluntary lies.
He does need some type of hope to hang on to though at the end of the day… what motivation could he have if he feels he’s lost everything with no going back.
I agree with your suggestion of leaving and reevaluate later. OP doesn’t have to stay in an unhappy marriage. Seeing his young children grow up with contact hours however they are organized like any separated parents is a good motivator. I think it’s just a bit much to give all the details and ultimatums all in one go, it’s overwhelming if he is truly making the effort. We’ll evaluate later gives him some hope. And again, even going to AA as a smokescreen, who knows if he’ll engage once there.

OP leaving with the kids is essentially that rock bottom stage that several PP have mentioned. She has given him so many chances, he’d taken it for granted.

I’m unsure if it’s necessary to add anything else : rock bottom still needs something to want to fight for. He’s lucky he hasn’t reached that stage because his kids are still young, and even with separated parents he’ll be a part of their life like any other separated parents.
if he actually does end up showing up to an AA meeting, he’ll réalise the true rock bottom : people who lost absolutely everything.

OP in no way do you have to stay in the relationship, it’s just about the final way you phrase it for now : just we’ll reevaluate, and if you want contact with the kids you have to be sober (and I won’t be the one making sure you do, it will be up to you to keep attending meeting or whatever method works for him, and I will require medical proof (there’s some kind of liver test, basically if one enzyme goes up above the norm : drinking). You can add that SS will be informed to ensure the appropriate measures are in place, ex first supervised contacts, then they will require the medical check ups ( which takes that one also off you).

Its really about phrasing before you leave : it’s enough of a shock rock bottom for now, a little hope left is good.

Sorry for all the long messages ! It’s true that the statistics aren’t great, he could still be one of them.

Thinking about it a bit more, I’m only a recent international student, so I don’t know English SS much (in my country I was taken into care at 10, I started volunteering with children in care at university, and am now 32, for context ; for my dad it was a motivator, for my mum it wasn’t (it wasn’t alcohol) ; I will be honest that it took him a while, but that’s to be expected really).

All this to say : can you maybe say you’re informing SS services now ? Other posters will be much more able to advise on this. It makes it very real, and that could be a good thing for him (I’m just wondering about the effect on you and your kids’ lives, I have no idea) ; it means he can no longer try to buy you back with emotions, absolutely no other option than official medical checks to see if sober, SS will handle all of it basically. It takes you out of the picture emotionally, protecting yourself. If you deem this an appropriate possibility and he asks why, you simply say it’s for the best interests of your kids.

It makes it very real : no emotions, no hiding possibilities. You’re leaving and he’s only getting contact back with his children once medical professionals have deemed him capable : the same medical professionals that he himself needs to heal. Rock bottom, all the more because he very probably took for granted you giving him yet another chance. But still a hope to fight for : his kids. If that isn’t enough, well I honestly don’t know what else.

Im back in my home country right now so different time zones (it’s later here), but please do feel free to share if you wish to : has he attended the meeting ?
You can send me a pm also if you wish, but to be honest I won’t be able to share much else, I moved up in ranks, I have legal confidentiality for all my kids I’ve worked with, I know it’s another country and you’d probably never be able to identify, but it’s a principle.

Please take care of yourself : be proud of how much you tried to take care of him, now you need to focus on you and your children, you deserve it.

Keep going with the divorce. He’s an abusive husband and NOT a great dad.

we decided to give it one last go on the agreement that there are no lies, no drinking, and he gets help.

You gave him an ultimatum after what sounds like umpteen opportunities. He ignored it.

There have to be consequences. You let him get away with it yet again then he knows your ultimatums are meaningless and this will be your life going forward.

Please tell me this isn’t true you giving him another chance it won’t happen. OP

@Tatteredlace
How are you now? I only just found the thread and it resembles my own experience to some extent, I keep trying to get through to and help my husband to face and overcome his addiction but he's in denial about the seriousness of the situation. What I can say is that it is ruining his relationship with our children, and that is the saddest thing to see. My children are teenagers and although they love their dad deeply they are troubled and worried and and are pulling away from him. I am still trying to help my husband, but from a distance as we have separated. I think his drinking got worse when he moved out but I continue to care for him and I am still willing to help him up to a point. It's so difficult to handle and my heart goes out to you.