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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I shouldn't have dumped her for being "crazy" should I?

55 replies

wallynit · 05/01/2023 13:17

Three years ago I was dating a woman.
Fancied her like crazy and we got on so well.
We were basically in a relationship.
My friend used to be friends with her and started putting doubts in my head.
Saying she was crazy,I was being silly and she was like my ex and would make my life a misery.
She couldn't hold a relationship because of her behaviour etc
So I backed off without explaining and she started texting a lot asking for reasons and that At the time confirmed what my friend was saying.
So I didn't exactly end it well and blocked her on WhatsApp.
We have mutual friends and she got into a relationship 2 years ago and they are still together.
They look happy and I've seen through mutual friends they go on holidays /live together etc
So it's making me question if what friend said was true.
Why am I feeling this way ?

OP posts:

ReneBumsWombats · 05/01/2023 13:21

I suspect because you let a third party tell you what to do about your relationship and then didn't even end it respectfully.

Next time, make your own decisions and treat people properly.

ValerieDoonican · 05/01/2023 13:23

You're feeling this way because you are learning from your mistakes and that can be uncomfortable. But it is the only way to become a well rounded adult who can treat people well in a relationship and learn to rely on their own judgement. So learn from this and go forward and try to treat people better and worry less about what your friends/others think or say in future.

layladomino · 05/01/2023 13:24

You let your friend convince you she was 'crazy' despite your own experience being that you got on well. Why were you so easily led by someone else's opinion?

You then finished the relationship in thoughtless, cowardly and disprectful way.

Why has it taken until now for you to question if your friend was right?

Do you treat people better now?

Original poster

wallynit · 05/01/2023 13:29

I think seeing her still in a relationship and looking happy and her partner looking happy makes me doubt how true my friend was being.
We had a really good connection and we spent 9 months getting on really well

OP posts:

JoyPeaceSleep · 05/01/2023 13:33

I agree with the poster who says that learning from your mistakes is uncomfortable.
She texted you because she needed clarity from you, because she liked you, and she got called crazy, for wanting answers. I feel bad for her. Most of us have been there. Somebody who cannot communicate directly labels us crazy for asking for the truth.

please leave her alone.

iklboo · 05/01/2023 13:36

How old are you, that you listen & take note of everything your 'friend' says? They might have been jealous of you're budding relationship & stuck a spanner in it. Her texting you asking for reasons why you ghosted her is a pretty normal reaction if you were getting on so well.

Original poster

wallynit · 05/01/2023 13:54

I'm nearly 40.
The thing is we have been friends for over 10 years so I had no reason to doubt what she was saying.
Why would she lie?
But I guess people can do so
She just doesn't seem like the person my friend portrayed her as

OP posts:

ValerieDoonican · 05/01/2023 13:58

Your friends opinion may have been sincerely held. But unless she had specific evidence of your gf's "craziness" then it was just that, an opinion.

You are entitled to your own opinions too, based on your own experience and observations.

Dodecaheidyin · 05/01/2023 13:58

Why would she lie?

Because she liked things the way they were before you were with the woman? She prefers it when you're single?
She fancies you?

Are you still in touch with the lying one? How is your relationship with her now?

Original poster

wallynit · 05/01/2023 14:00

@Dodecaheidyin yeah we are still friends and she's fine now -doesn't cause any drama with anyone else I'm seeing

OP posts:

supercali77 · 05/01/2023 14:00

So you're 40 with a 'friend' of the opposite sex who's telling you, erroneously, that your gf of 9 months is mental. And rather than using the evidence of your eyes and ears...you just....believed her?

Sounds like your ex is better off out of it

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 05/01/2023 14:00

Are you both women, OP?

I feel like I've read this before, but from the other point of view.

If you are the ex of the poster I'm thinking of, I'm glad to hear she's in a happy relationship now.

Original poster

wallynit · 05/01/2023 14:00

@ValerieDoonican she told me years ago she was obsessed with a guy who she introduced her too

OP posts:

Original poster

wallynit · 05/01/2023 15:00

Yeah both women.
Maybe that's why it feels even more intense

OP posts:

TedMullins · 05/01/2023 15:03

It sounds like you’re feeling guilty for how you treated her which is justified tbh. You ghosted and blocked her after a 9 month relationship? Anyone would go “crazy” if that happened to them. Maybe don’t put so much stock in your friend’s opinions of people.

Justcallmebebes · 05/01/2023 16:36

supercali77 · Today 14:00
So you're 40 with a 'friend' of the opposite sex who's telling you, erroneously, that your gf of 9 months is mental. And rather than using the evidence of your eyes and ears...you just....believed her?
Sounds like your ex is better off out of it

^ This nails it

Oher · 05/01/2023 16:40

I think you’re probably slowly realising that you dumped a fun and attractive woman on the basis of spiteful behind-her-back gossip.

I’m guessing that you’re still single. Maybe have a chat with a therapist to work out why.

Ihatethenewlook · 05/01/2023 16:53

You’re feeling this way because you’ve behaved appallingly to someone who sounds like they could have been the love of your life. Assuming she’s in the same age category as you, I’m assuming she’s at the stage of her life where she was looking to find and settle down with a life partner. She found you, and from the sounds of things it was going amazingly and she probably thought she’d found ‘the one’. Then your cunt of a friend stuck her oar in, from the sounds of it she could see you had something special, and while she doesn’t mind you slightly happy she obviously wasn’t impressed with you being head over heels. So you decided to believe your twatty friend, ended the relationship in a disgusting way, and decided to twist her words and use your exes hurt and confusion against her. I hope she’s happy with her new partner because she deserves FAR better than you and your so called ‘friends’.

Dery · 05/01/2023 17:26

Honestly, OP - ending a happy and fulfilling relationship on the basis of a so-called friend’s spiteful gossip and in such a cowardly way - you sound about 12 (I nearly said you sound like a teenager but I think most teenagers would have a bit more about them). It’s very hard to believe you were in your late 30s at the time.

But we’ve all made mistakes (well at least, God knows, I’ve made some huge ones). All you can do is learn from this - and a big lesson for you could be around why you let this friend influence you to such an extent.

Isittrueornot · 05/01/2023 17:30

This isn’t your friends fault, it’s yours, stop passing the buck.
You was silly to listen to someone else over what was right in front of your eyes. The way you ghosted her was awful, I don’t know how people do that to others, it’s so nasty.

she is better of without you and maybe that’s why your hurting. It’s not all bad though, you can learn from this and not make the same mistake again, you will find someone who makes you happy and now know how not to treat them.

Pennyforthezombies · 05/01/2023 17:30

God - the misogyny in your post, woman = crazy . I’m not sure why OP’s are giving you the time of day…

BeyondReleaseTheKraken · 05/01/2023 17:35

I've been the "crazy woman" in an almost identical scenario. And it throws you horribly off balance a lot to have what you thought was a good relationship suddenly sour and disappear, with no idea what happened.

I sincerely hope you have learnt from the experience.

Mom2K · 05/01/2023 17:37

Hmm, well your so called 'friend' sounds like she's jealous/manipulative so maybe you ought to end this friendship with her.

You won't though, right? Because you're going to make choices based on what you've observed for yourself over the past 10 years in that friendship. I'm not sure why 9 months of your own observations with the woman you were dating wasn't enough for you to make your own decisions regarding that relationship. Hopefully you will learn from this. And next time don't be cruel. Seriously - ghosting after 9 months? :/

Blossomandbee · 05/01/2023 17:57

Sounds like your friend was jealous. You were gullible and not wise enough to make your own mind up about her.
Ghosting someone is nasty and cowardly. Looks like she's now found someone who deserves her.

Facecream · 05/01/2023 18:17

Are you saying she is now in a relationship with a man OP? Perhaps I misread.
Its absolutely horrible to call someone crazy or unhinged and I hate when people say that about other women.
Your friend sounds vile tbh.
Im amazed that you are still friends with her.

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