Is he just being friendly?

[SpinningFloppa]

I know this might sound like I’m being paranoid but I just wondered what others thought. Before I met my ex I had a really active social life, I was always out with friends every weekend, girls holidays etc, I was young when we met and in my early 20s but when I met him and had my children my social life completely stopped.
He didn’t like me going out, didn’t like me wearing makeup etc anyway we was together some years but he broke up with me and then refused to ever have the children over night, he would only see them during the day and that wasn’t often think once/ twice a month if that, never wanted more even though I begged him to be more involved (eventually I gave up) because of this my social life disappeared obviously, friends disappeared (I get they weren’t real friends more going out friends) I no longer go out, haven’t been on holiday in 12 years, barely see “friends” and have drifted apart from them as they didn’t have kids so weren’t interested in sitting in the park/ soft play, anyway something that has been bugging me I was trying to stay amicable for the kids sake generally we don’t get on as he isn’t a nice person (he was previously absent for a long while because I was no longer facilitating contact at my house so he stopped seeing them) but since back in contact he will be over friendly towards me and always asking me what I’m doing or what I’m up to, not just asking about the kids. At first I thought this was a good thing, that he was just trying to be friendly and pay an interest but recently I’ve started to question it. So for example he will text me occasionally to ask how I am, or what I’m doing, it will be stuff like “what you up to NYE, anything fun?” Knowing full well I will be in with the kids alone like every single other night of the week, or “what you up to for your birthday, anything exciting?” Again knowing full well it will be with the kids so it will be somewhere children friendly hardly exciting, last year I went to Pizza Hut with my children alone . I get some people might love that but a weekend away would have been nice! It’s like he is messaging me expecting a different answer when he knows what the answer is.

Anyway I’ve come to the conclusion he enjoys hearing that I’m on my own and doing nothing? Like he’s rubbing my face in it? I think he probably enjoys knowing that I’m sat in alone every night? He knows I haven’t been able to meet anyone and have nothing going on and no social life as I’m with the kids 24/7 but it’s constantly “anything exciting/ anything fun?” “What you doing on the weekend anything fun” I’ve started to feel like making things up to not give him the satisfaction of enjoying hearing I’m just sat at home with the children. I know I need to do grey rock and I’m doing that going forward rather than making any attempt to be “friends” but I honestly think he enjoys hearing that I’m stuck home with the kids every night unable to have a life but maybe I’m just being paranoid and he is just being friendly? If so I will continue to make an effort to be friends and see it as him just paying an interest in my life to be friends. It’s just something that happened over new years had me questioning his intentions.

(Just to add I’m not looking for advice on going out or getting babysitters etc I’m fine with not having a social life anymore I’m far too tired/ exhausted to go out now anyway this is just me questioning his motive for constantly asking me what I’m up to and if it’s anything “fun or exciting”)

He's still abusing you. They never change their ways.

Stop communicating with him about anything other than child care arrangements.

Do not make any chit chat whatsoever.

Do not answer any questions, just ignore them.

Put him into your phone "shit father, controlling abuser" or just SFCA if the kids might see it.

He's either winding for sadistic enjoyment.

It is totally stupidly oblivious to your lack of child care.

Or is still, like many controlling possessive men, even now, trying to find out if you have any kind of a social life or sex life etc.
Because men like him think they own every woman they've ever been with.

Or some combo

Sorry maybe I’ve missed something but why does your we ask you what you’re doing of an evening?

just ignore those questions and leave his arse on read unless it’s about childcare or money for kids

Ex

I once went on a night out with a young woman who had been left by her ex & dad of her kids after he started a relationship (overlapped) with another woman and got the ow pregnant.

He had her baby sitting his new baby with ow sometimes.

He was phoning her on NYE while he was with the ow/new partner ... Asking her what she was up to, where she was, who she was with.

And she was answering him.

Fucking insane.

Guys like that want to check up on their harem, while doing whatever the fuck they want.

Maybe he's seeing if he can slide back in with you or add you back in his rotation depending on how lonely or sex starved he thinks you are.

He didn’t like me going out, didn’t like me wearing makeup etc anyway we was together some years but he broke up with me and then refused to ever have the children over night, he would only see them during the day and that wasn’t often think once/ twice a month if that, never wanted more even though I begged him to be more involved (eventually I gave up) because of this my social life disappeared obviously

He did that on purpose I think .... Never having the kids overnight so you couldn't have a social life or meet a new partner.

Some men like to keep any woman they've been in a significant relationship with esp mothers of their kids single. They see them as their possessions ... Even after they've left them. They don't want another man becoming a step dad etc.
They finally that while being free to shag and have relationships with whoever they please (and have more kids with whoever they please).

If you had dated, gotten involved with men etc I bet he would be threatening, nasty, not seeing the kids at all or trying to turn them against you, being as difficult as he could possibly be.

He was a controlling freak during your relationship and he still is. He'd be like that with any woman.

I honestly thought I would be told I was being paranoid, I knew he was controlling during our relationship, when we first met I had a holiday booked before I had even met him that he told me not to go on or he would break up with me, at this point I had only known him a month! Yes I know massive red flags but I was only 21 and it was my first proper relationship. I went on the holiday anyway then he broke up with me whilst I was on holiday, only to beg me back when I got back home and wouldn’t take no for an answer (kept calling constantly till I gave in) if I wore makeup it was because I was “dressing up for other men” that kind of thing. He’s threw the holiday in my face for the whole of our relationship. I have been fully aware he doesn’t want to have the kids over night so I don’t get time off, he’s made that obvious.

Find a baby sitter. Or at least tell him you have one and sorry can't text off out.. And block him. If he isn't seeing the dc there is no need to text you.

Sorry I should have been clear he has started seeing them again recently but is still unwilling to have them overnight.

What a father.

I hope you're getting full child maintenance off him

Because the only thing that counts for reducing cm is over nights.

What a nasty bastard he is .... Left you but still wanting to make sure you have no social life or relationship.

Yes that’s true he knows I haven’t met anyone in the 5 years we’ve been split up (haven’t been able to!) he often asks if I’ve met someone yet, he doesn’t want to be with me I’m not suggesting that just that he likes that I’m alone.

When I left my ex he refused to have our son unless it was during the day when I was working - he’d drop him off the moment I finished work. Friends said at the time it was deliberate, so I didn’t have time to meet anyone else - I didn’t believe it then, but now I think it was true - and I now realise it’s a common theme with men in general

I did think that but then he is the one that broke up with me so it makes no sense!

Why are you replying to personal questions?

As I said I thought he was just making an effort to be friendly! Sometimes he will ask me in person (so not just over message) so hard to just ignore

maybe I’m just being paranoid and he is just being friendly? If so I will continue to make an effort to be friends and see it as him just paying an interest in my life to be friends.

Why are you planning to make your response to his annoying instrusion conditional on what HE is thinking?
He's your ex, he's also an arse, he can barely even be bothered to see his kids - HE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND.
It is up to YOU how you feel & how you respond. Stop trying to second guess him or his intentions.

Either Grey Rock him, or invent fantastic lies. Whatever feels right to you.
Or a bland "seeing a friend" - if he interrogates further "none of your business". You don't owe him any response at all, & that is also an option for you - simply ignore anything that is not specific to DC.
And for goodness sake stop gauging his intentions. Just assume they are not in your best interests, & bat him & his questions off.

More importantly - you mentioned he was crap with contact, & stopped seeing his kids when you stopped allowing visitation to be in your home. I hope you have not backtracked on that? - because this man should not be in your home. He does not get to invade your space & use you to facilitate contact.

Why do you think he is trying to be friendly?
This cock has NEVER been your friend.

Do you feel you owe him friendly responses? You don't.
If he asks you in person, you CAN ignore him. Pointedly, if you wish. WTF is he going to do about it?
Or tell him it's none of his business.
Or ask him why he's asking.
Or tell him you have plans, but don;t need to run them past him.

If he pushes, you know you can just laugh at him? Tell him to fuck off? Call him a nosy parker? Tell him to get a life & stop poking his beak into yours?

You need to get a lot more assertive about your right to be left in peace by this arse.

Agree with everyone else here.

He's not your friend and he's not being friendly.

He should know its inappropriate to ask you questions about how you're spending your free time which suggests he's only doing it to keep tabs on you.

If he messages you, ignore. If He asks you in person say you haven't decided yet.

He has no right to any knowledge of what you're doing at night or who you're with. He's your children's (rather useles) father but he's nothing to you.

I am amicable with my exhusband. His starting point was that happy children need a happy mother and so, if I ever needed him to have the children additionally to the EOW + 1 night in the week contact, I shouldn't hesitate to ask him. He's never asked where I'm going, what I'm doing or who I'm with at these times but has always had them if I needed him to. He said to ask him before I asked anyone else because he was their dad and should be the one looking after them if I wasn't, not babysitters. We always took the children so that the other could have an adult night out for our birthdays as well as spending time with the children and we alternate NYE.

We split up 10 years ago. And this has never faltered. The children are adult/mid teens now so it's less relevant. But you do not have an amicable relationship with him.

He is still.controlling you and you are letting him to keep the peace. That's not the same thing.

He's a prick.

I’ve come to the conclusion That’s definitely what it is, he would never have the children for me to have a night “off” he doesn’t feel I should be allowed a night off, he deliberately created a situation so he could never have the children over night and I wonder why a father wouldn’t want to have their children overnight but I think that is to spite me. I’m going to stop telling him my plans and just change the subject.

This is not being friendly. As others say, just ignore anything that isn't directly childcare related.

I see it now, he often asks me if I’ve met anyone yet knowing I’m with the kids 24:7 I don’t understand why he would think I could possibly meet someone!

He’s trying to find out whether you’ve met another man. The fact the he left you and you don’t have time to meet anyone else is irrelevant to him. Men who don’t look after their kids don’t understand the concept of “don’t have time” anyway, because they always have time for themselves. He’s still trying to control you and interfere in your life. Ignore the messages, don’t give him the satisfaction of a single word in reply.

Do you have friends (even children's parents who could conceivably baby sit.

Even if this never happens, just tell him it did. Start to be ridiculous with your answers of where you are.

If he says 'did you go anywhere this weekend?' Think of a reply to have up your sleeve. Maybe grey rock it and reply the same thing each time.

I wonder if he thought you went out despite his behaviour that he might actually have his kids overnight.

But please tell me he pays cm

PP have posted about Grey Rock - I think you need to extend this into shutting down any 'chatty' texts or in-person conversation.

Next time he asks you this rude (& goady?) question, IGNORE IT & instead of answering, get distracted by the sudden necessity to ask DC if they have their bag/coat/whatever. If he pushes it "no time to chat, here's DC's bag, see you at X o'clock" & WALK AWAY.

You do not owe him chat, information, or even a response.
It is absolutely fine to blank his interrogations.