Is he just being friendly?

[SpinningFloppa]

I know this might sound like I’m being paranoid but I just wondered what others thought. Before I met my ex I had a really active social life, I was always out with friends every weekend, girls holidays etc, I was young when we met and in my early 20s but when I met him and had my children my social life completely stopped.
He didn’t like me going out, didn’t like me wearing makeup etc anyway we was together some years but he broke up with me and then refused to ever have the children over night, he would only see them during the day and that wasn’t often think once/ twice a month if that, never wanted more even though I begged him to be more involved (eventually I gave up) because of this my social life disappeared obviously, friends disappeared (I get they weren’t real friends more going out friends) I no longer go out, haven’t been on holiday in 12 years, barely see “friends” and have drifted apart from them as they didn’t have kids so weren’t interested in sitting in the park/ soft play, anyway something that has been bugging me I was trying to stay amicable for the kids sake generally we don’t get on as he isn’t a nice person (he was previously absent for a long while because I was no longer facilitating contact at my house so he stopped seeing them) but since back in contact he will be over friendly towards me and always asking me what I’m doing or what I’m up to, not just asking about the kids. At first I thought this was a good thing, that he was just trying to be friendly and pay an interest but recently I’ve started to question it. So for example he will text me occasionally to ask how I am, or what I’m doing, it will be stuff like “what you up to NYE, anything fun?” Knowing full well I will be in with the kids alone like every single other night of the week, or “what you up to for your birthday, anything exciting?” Again knowing full well it will be with the kids so it will be somewhere children friendly hardly exciting, last year I went to Pizza Hut with my children alone . I get some people might love that but a weekend away would have been nice! It’s like he is messaging me expecting a different answer when he knows what the answer is.

Anyway I’ve come to the conclusion he enjoys hearing that I’m on my own and doing nothing? Like he’s rubbing my face in it? I think he probably enjoys knowing that I’m sat in alone every night? He knows I haven’t been able to meet anyone and have nothing going on and no social life as I’m with the kids 24/7 but it’s constantly “anything exciting/ anything fun?” “What you doing on the weekend anything fun” I’ve started to feel like making things up to not give him the satisfaction of enjoying hearing I’m just sat at home with the children. I know I need to do grey rock and I’m doing that going forward rather than making any attempt to be “friends” but I honestly think he enjoys hearing that I’m stuck home with the kids every night unable to have a life but maybe I’m just being paranoid and he is just being friendly? If so I will continue to make an effort to be friends and see it as him just paying an interest in my life to be friends. It’s just something that happened over new years had me questioning his intentions.

(Just to add I’m not looking for advice on going out or getting babysitters etc I’m fine with not having a social life anymore I’m far too tired/ exhausted to go out now anyway this is just me questioning his motive for constantly asking me what I’m up to and if it’s anything “fun or exciting”)

Yeh that’s a good point.
I had to explain to him how does he think I possibly get the time to meet a new man when I’m with my kids 24/7, he still didn’t get it and thought I could bring someone round when they are in bed 🤦🏻

No one to have them unfortunately and he won’t change his mind on having them he can’t have them at his house so he has nowhere to take them hence not having them overnight. No cm.

No. You didn't have to explain it to him and you shouldn't have done.

He either gets a kick out of humiliating you or is so dense/lacking in imagination he isn't worthy of your time and headspace.

Apply for maintenance through cms. As overnights reduce the amount paid, you might even find he decides it's worth it 😉

He doesn’t work, so no payments.

Why no cm

Tell him friends came over after the kids were in bed on new years. Not actually helpful but will drive him mad.

Then you have nothing to loose.

Either lie and just keep repeating the same lie

Or tell him your social life is nothing to do with him. And tell the ch that dad keeps being nosy about your life so you've decided to be a bit rude (age appropriate etc)

Is he on benefits?

They will stop some of his benefits for it. Not much but it's the principle. There's a CM thread at the moment and someone suggested it's £7pw. Not a lot but that's c£30 a month and better than a smack in the chops and holds him accountable.

No he’s not working or claiming benefits, the money doesn’t actually bother me as much as his lack of interest, I would rather he had the children regularly but that isn’t going to happen. Think I will start making things up!

My ex wouldn't take all the kids at the same time and actually told me it was because he didn't want me to meet anyone!

its Horrible how they still have this control even after they leave

He doesn't have to have this control though. Why are you answering? Just say, I'm only prepared to talk about the kids and then just do that.

Don't tell him you are stuck in/can't go out/what you are up to, he's not your partner anymore and you don't have to tell him anything or have him in your life whatsoever apart from communicating and picking up the kids.

you can't waste any more energy on him.

Oo what about 'my private life is my business'

Not actually lying but will drive him insane

How does he survive then?

He is renting out the rooms in his flat, that is why the children are unable to go there overnight, he won’t change this he would rather not have them overnight.

So that's an income, and he should be paying maintenance (which you could put towards a babysitter).

Do you know any parents you could swap babysitting with? You need a life of your own.

I agree he is deliberately making it difficult for you to have any social life, and asks to check that his plan is working, as even though he left he still thinks he is entitled to control you. Honestly, he's a cunt, stop playing nice for him and letting him pull all your strings. You were his puppet, but you don't have to be now. Don't answer any personal questions, ignore, change the subject, or reply that it's none of his business. He can only control you if you let him.

Never tell a controlling ex anything. Nothing, zip, nada.
He’s unemployed, loads of time to wind you up for his own amusement.
Tell his lazy arse nothing.

He won’t pay, and cms won’t do anything about it and unfortunately I’m not willing to report him as he will know it was me and I won’t get anywhere so it’s completely pointless. I’ve looked into it. He’s down as not working or claiming benefits. So cms comes back as nil assessment.

no there’s no one I can ask to babysit.

Why won't you get anywhere?

This isn't about whether you need the money or not, this is about asking him accountable for the child he fathered.

That money could pay for a babysitter so you can actually go out.

Don't martyr yourself to motherhood.

I’ve taken advice and nothing can be done about it

How many kids and how old are they?

I don’t think I am free of him, he has me trapped and he knows it which is why I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction

You are under no obligation to discuss anything with him apart from access arrangements and finance for the children, so stop responding to anything that doesn’t relate directly to those. You don’t need to even respond.