I'm being triangulated with another woman

[vampirelover]

warning - therapy speak incoming. Referencing Karpman drama triangle 😁

I'm posting this because it's bothering me a lot but I'm also anticipating responses that miss the point but oh well
My partner is ND and not very good at friendships. He's lovely, kind and caring and has codependent tendencies due to an abusive childhood. He's fairly emotionally illiterate despite having lots of therapy and sleep walks into unhealthy relationship patterns because he doesn't see warning signs.
on the other hand I am not a therapist but in a similar field, overthink most interactions and relationships that I have and analyse everything. Despite this we get on very well!!

for the past 18 months he has had a friendship with another woman. I like her, and I 100% believe he's not having an affair and (almost certainly) wouldn't. However, they are in a codependent relationship. They have the same ND and same MH condition and she isn't doing that well, whereas he sees himself (I'm not convinced) as 'better' and the voice of experience.

they used to work together so saw each other 5 days a week, and that was when they interacted. Since she left her MH has nosedived and he is trying to rescue her. She is typical victim (won't do anything herself) and he is typical rescuer (wants to fix things for her, feels responsible for her) but I can also see that this dynamic serves them both well due to codependency. I do think she is probably in love with him a bit too. She's married but has positioned her husband as persecuter which my DP has totally bought into. I feel sorry for the man myself, he might be useless but I don't think he gets a chance to support her really.

this has been bubbling for a few months and I've tried to find a way to raise it without a) accusing him of having an affair by accident b) looking like a jealous loon c) ruining his only friendship but it all came out last night. I explained the drama triangle and his habitual roles and he sort of got it but frankly I felt he was making me into the persecutor and I resent it. I don't want any part of this triangle and I want him to see what's happening and take action to deal with it. Unfortunately he is also passive (see abusive childhood) and avoids conflict rather than facing it. So I don't know what I want really.

please dont tell me he's definitely having an affair. I'm 99% sure he's not. That's not what it's about. But is it an emotional affair? Maybe. I can't tell him not to see her. So how do I move forward taking responsibility for my self only and not getting drawn in? Also I'm not going to leave him, we are getting married, he's the love of my life, he's a good man, just screwed up.

thank you!

You sure he doesn't love her? They have so much in common and get on well.

Have you chosen him because he's safe and reliable, because he needs you so much?

This is a powerful statement.

In terms of timing, 4 years together and for 18months he has had focus on her. So whilst you were just out of the infatuation stage he has chosen to spend lots of time with another woman.

Having a neurotype in common doesn't mean he's in love with her, any more than you'd be in love with every NT person you meet.

It just means he doesn't have to mask when talking to her. That's not nothing, but it's also worth not reading too much into it.

You are a rescuer, in the same way that he is.

You speak of him as if he is helpless. He isn't - this friendship is hurtful to you but the friendship is important to him and you are secondary to that.

All the analysing in the world won't change the fact that this man's actions are hurting you and your fear of losing the relationship has rendered you unable to assert yourself. You know what you need to be happy, so why repress that? Its your life.

If you do marry him then it would be good to find a way to come to terms with his friendships because when this one is done, it'll be another. As said he's a rescuer, just as you are.

Could you handle a lifetime of being married to a man who has a pattern of this? If not, and you shouldn’t have to, then I would think about moving on. I know it’s hard but it sounds as though this isn’t a one off (which works still be a problem), but a pattern. People rarely change, particularly if the impetus to do so is external. You shouldn’t be having struggles like this before marriage, it won’t get better afterward.

I think you are both saviours. Time only will tell which of you realises first that you cannot help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. If he realises that she likes him a bit more than friends ( if he is prepared to accept that), would that not be cruel for him to lead her on if he is such a good man and has no intentions of cheating on you? In plain sight or not this smells of EA to me. What you can do if you are prepared to stan by him is listen to all the stuff he tell you about her, be supportive and his interest will fade away.

Hi OP,

Do you think that your partner has it in him to have a friendship with clear and 'normal' boundaries? If not, it will be a lifetime (for you) of repeating this kind of situation. Do you have it in you to do that for your entire relationship? I think that I would get very tired of doing that. It's ok to have to point this out once but not to keep repeating it. It may also damage your self esteem when you seem to be the one last on the list.

I've also observed that some people are really drawn into that rescuing role. I think that both you and he are, in a way, rescuers.

He may be the only person you have found who you can trust and puts you first. But he isn't when he does this (eg. Develops these co- dependent over invested relationships). I think what you mean is that they are at least obvious with no hidden surprises.

Seems like a lot of hard work to me. Relationships don’t have to be so complicated. Why are you settling for this?

You can analyse till the cows come home but what is the point.
Even though he has a lot to deal with being ND and having reached the brink of suicide before he will always be like this.

You get one life op and that’s it, so regardless of any of this you choose your path.

This! Christ almighty it all sounds very tedious and joyless. Could not be doing with this at all.